“You’ve had your fun now it is my turn, Bella.” He snakes across the burgundy comforter and crawls over top me. “These need to come off.” He yanks my black yoga pants down the length of my legs, over my ankles, and tosses them to the floor. He runs his finger from my jaw down to my throbbing clit. His warm fingers sink inside my wet, pulsing center. I buck my hips urging him to go deeper. I swear I can feel my heartbeat all the way down in my pussy.
“Harder, Cutter, right there. Go faster.”
A shadow passes over the doorway. I blink, I—no he can’t be here. Harlan is standing in the corner of my room, with a sad expression on his face. The darkness wraps around my throat and I let out a scream before it sucks me into the void.
*—*
“Come on. Wake up. I was just about to put you in the shower. Are you alright? You passed out on me after we made out a little.” Cutter is next to me, concern etched over his handsome face.
“So, we didn’t?”
He shakes his red stained cheeks at me. I am beyond mortified. I’m not sure what is real and what is a dream. Did I just dream Cutter was about to fuck me? Or was he really about to do it?
“So, what happened exactly?” I sit up finding myself on my couch.
“You…um, well you kissed me, we started to fool around and then you just fainted. You really freaked me out. You sort of screamed in my face like I was about to attack you.”
“I’m okay.” I push my knees to my chest and hug them close. “Maybe we should just start over tomorrow and pretend today never even took place. I will work on my list like I promised. Today just isn’t a good day. It’s the anniversary of Harlan’s death. I think I would really like to be alone,” I ramble looking everywhere but at him. I am so embarrassed. I probably won’t see him again after this. Why would he come back for more of my crazy show? Maybe for free entertainment but not to be with me.
I’m a disaster.
“I feel bad leaving you alone, but today has been strange,” he admits with a shaky laugh. “I am only three doors down. Apartment 3C. I will be home all night so just knock, okay.” The concern in his voice sounds genuine.
“You don’t even know me, why do you even care?”
“Let’s just say I once knew someone who wanted to die, and if we are being honest— I feel an undeniable attraction to you. I don’t know how or why, but I was meant to find you, Bella. When I first saw you, something told me to follow you. I just knew that for whatever reason you needed me, and I wanted to be with you. Have you ever had the feeling that you just had to do something? When I saw you leaving the diner it was like my feet were in control, and before I knew it, I was sitting on the bus feeling the urge to protect you, to do whatever it takes to make you mine.”
“Yes, on the bridge at the falls, I had an overwhelming feeling, telling me to take the deal with you—to shake your hand,” I confess even though saying it aloud terrifies me. “And I am glad you were there. That there with me. I promise, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” I stare at him, hoping for a response, because I am sure he is going to say goodbye before we have really even had a hello.
He stays silent.
His silence cuts.
I don’t know what I was expecting.
Maybe I don’t have things figured out like I thought.
Cutter walks into the kitchen and takes his clothes from the dryer. He squeezes my knee as he passes back by and leaves.
I must admit watching him walk out my door is a remarkable sight. He really has a nice ass. An ass I could get used to looking at, if I planned on being around long enough to admire it.
Feeling all dirty from the rain and from almost getting physical with my hotter than balls neighbor, I go to the bathroom and untangle my hair with my brush. As I wash my face I can’t get Cutter out of my head.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I’m Lost.
Confused.
Happy.
Sad.
Mad.
Haunted.
Crazy.
Chapter 5
Today was one mind trip. This morning when I woke I had planned on this day being my last day. And now, I am entered into a twisted deal with a stranger. But what a handsome stranger he is. I shouldn’t be thinking thoughts like these when Harlan is waiting for me. I know where I need to go. I slip my chucks on and grab my umbrella just in case the rain picks back up.
I make the three-block walk to the town cemetery. Harlan is buried here somewhere, I haven’t been here before—to his grave, but I need to talk to him. I don’t trust myself at the falls.
I walk through the rows of the dead and wilted flowers. I am slightly thankful that I’m not here, well not yet, anyways. His grave is easy to spot, it is the one adorned in fresh flowers. There is a picture of him in his football jersey etched on the headstone. I trace my fingers over the letters of his name.
Harlan Jones Rivers, born July 19, 1991, died August 12, 2012 — Loving Son & Brother. I lay my head down on his grassy knoll, as my tears start to fall. Seeing his grave really makes the fact that he is gone and never coming back real.
“Damn you, Harlan. Why did you have to listen to me? I just need to you to tell me it's okay. I’m sorry. I really want to be with you—I do. But something has happened. I met a boy, well, more like a man. For the first time since you left, he made me feel…alive.” I squeeze my fingers against my temple willing him to answer me.
“What do I do Harlan? I miss you, and I wanted so badly for us to be reunited, but now I made a deal with this guy. His name is Cutter, and he wants me to make a list of everything I want to do before I die. He said if I complete my list in a year’s time that then he would let me do what I set out to do today. Talk to me Harlan!” I pound my fist against the ground. Mud splatters up my arm and onto my cheek.
Why won’t he answer me?
He calls to me all the time.
Always giving me signs that he’s with me. That he wants us to be together.
“Did you give up on me, Harlan? Are you angry with me? I saw you watching me with him. Why were you there, what do you want from me?”
I feel a firm hand on my back. “I had a feeling you’d be here. Your Gram called me and said you canceled dinner on her yesterday, she is worried about you. I know this day is hard for you. How long have you been off your medication?”
Of course, Gram called Dr. Peters. I sigh and get up from the dirt and grass. I brush the grass from my dampened knees, but it is of no use.
“I take it daily,” I lie to him through gritted teeth.
“Bella, you don’t fool me. How long have you been hearing Harlan speaking to you?” When I don’t answer he continues speaking. “I don’t want to take you in, I know classes start soon. I want to see you succeed, but you must take your medication. Bella,” he stresses my name. “It isn’t negotiable. Have you been having the hallucinations again?”
There isn’t much point in lying to him. He will just keep pressing and pushing me until he hears what he wants fly from my lips—the truth.
“Alright. You caught me. I have been off my meds for two months, and I feel fine.” I throw my hands up in defeat. “I’m not crazy, Doc. I just miss him. Is it so wrong that I want to hear his voice, so much that it hurts? There is an ache in my chest for him. It is like a tumor growing stronger and wider. It spreads through my veins like poison. Is that descriptive enough for you? There—do I feel enough for you, go write that down in your notebook for your file on me.”
I jab him in the chest with my finger. “Do you know how much it hurts—to ache so deep that the darkness consumes you and fills you with a black poison. A poison that has embedded itself so far into my heart that I have to bleed it out, to make it stop. Some days I want to pray to God to make the pain stop, to take me from this Hell on earth that is my life. But I gave up on him answering my prayers long ago. Besides, I deserve to ache, to suffer, to wallow in my misery.” The tears begin to blur my vision. I am emotionally ex
hausted and on the brink of collapsing.
“That’s the most honest you have been since you started coming to see me. I think you are making progress, but I want you to promise me that you will go home and take your medication. Do not make me regret not taking you in. As your care provider it is my responsibility to look after you.”
“I get it, Doc, don’t worry. I promise. I will take my meds.”
“You better. This is your one get out of jail free card,” he states firm.
“Okay.” I nod. My skin is crawling, and I just need to get out of here.
I decide to go see my Gram, after talking with my doctor, my guilt has kicked in. I don’t want her worrying herself about me and losing sleep. I take the long way there and enjoy the fresh air.
I look at my Gram. I mean really look at her for the first time in what seems like years. She was nearly sixty years old when she took custody of me, but her hair was darker then. Now, she wears her hair a blue/silver shade. Her face carries more wrinkles. She calls them wisdom lines. She looks tired, and I feel like I have worn her down. I mean, I know that she is old, but I feel like I am to blame for her extra wisdom lines.
She appears so relieved to see me. I know I shouldn’t cause her to worry so much, but I can’t help it. It is hard to care about the feelings of others when you don’t care about much of anything.
*—*
I awaken to a loud pounding on my apartment door the next morning. I rub the sleep from my eyes and let out a yawn. I steal a glance at the clock, noticing it is nearly noon. This is another reason I hate the medication I am supposed to be on, it fucks with me and makes me sleep like the dead. And it happens to make me feel like shit on dry toast.
“Alright. I’m coming, hold your horses,” I yell to whomever is about to get it for beating my door down.
I unlock the deadbolt and swing the door open to find Cutter waiting on the other side.
“Hi, my name is Cutter. I recently moved into the building and wanted to introduce myself. I live a few doors down from you.”
I can’t help but laugh at the serious look he has on his handsome face.
“You are lucky you just made me giggle, you were about to get a dose of my inner bitch unleashed.” I have to admit I am both surprised he came back and happy to see him.
“Sounds…kinky.” He smirks shoving his way past me with coffee in his hands.
“Come on in, please be my guest.” I kick the door shut. “Well, you do get bonus points for the coffee. This is a beautiful start to our friendship.”
“Ah, so we have graduated to friends, next comes intimate buddies.”
“Lame, really—intimate buddies. You really pulled out the big guns for that one,” I tease.
He chuckles and blows over his coffee before taking a drink. “Get ready. We have to get started on your list.”
“The list. Rrr-ight. I haven’t written it yet.” I bat my lashes innocently at him and have a drink of my coffee. “This is delicious. What’s in it?” I have never had a coffee this good before, it must be laced with his vampire like lust oozing pheromones. I had better not drink it, but it is too good to stop. I am not addicted to his coffee after three sips, I am not an addict, and I can stop anytime I want. Okay, who am I kidding? This is some good shit.
“It’s pumpkin spice, with a hint of vanilla and my special ingredient. It’s my special brew.” He gives me a cat that swallowed the goldfish grin.
Special ingredient my ass. I knew it. He laced it with something, so he can get me addicted to some kind of drug, so he can get me to do whatever he wishes, so I can get my fix once he has me hooked. My own personal crack—coffee dealer.
“Awe, is this your way of saying you think I am special.”
Cutter chokes on his coffee, and sputters out, “Lick the windows special.”
“I am wounded.” I clutch my chest in a dramatic fashion.
I excuse myself to the bathroom. Bracing my hands on the white Formica sink, I exhale and hold a deep breath. Flirting with Cutter is too easy. Why do I feel like I have always known him? A lump forms in my throat. taking my medication from the cabinet I get two pills out. I toss them down my throat and cup water in my hand to wash them down with. I scrub my face. I feel like hell. Like I am hungover. It will take some time to adjust to the medication again.
I brush my teeth then run a brush through my hair. Next, I secure my hair with a headband and spray some hair spray over my head for extra hold. I apply my favorite banana scented lip-gloss. Letting out a whoosh of air I prepare myself to write out my bucket list.
I laugh to myself and picture Cutter and me checking off my list like it is a school science project, and he is my ultra-sexy lab partner. Finishing with deodorant, I change into my cutoffs and my black and white striped tank top.
I peek down the hall at Cutter and he is sitting patiently on my sofa. He looks nice today, dressed in a plain black t-shirt and holey jeans with the knees ripped out. The top of his hair is long enough to be slightly spiked in a messy just rolled out of bed, but damn sexy way, like he spent the night rocking someone’s world. Looking down at his feet a smile spreads across my face, he is wearing riding boots.
“You have a bike?” I ask curiously, as I take a bite from my banana nut bread, if I don’t eat something, my medication will destroy my stomach.
“Oh, yeah.” he runs his fingers through his hair nonchalantly. “Why do you ask?”
“Your boots, I want you to take me for a ride. Can I drive it?”
He gives me an all-knowing sly grin. “Your wish is my command but be careful what you wish for. My one desire is to make your dreams come true. Except for driving, at least not today. I like my bike and well, I have seen you on your bicycle, and well to be honest, your sense of direction scares me.”
“Wow, does that make all the girls panties drop?” I notice he is taking in my appearance and appreciating what he sees. It gives me a little more bounce in my step. He makes me feel like a woman, a desired woman.
“No, usually the bike does all of the work for me.” He continues to sip his coffee oblivious to the effect he has on me. He has a smile that stuns you.
“Oh, confident, are you?” I tease him. Back to flirting.
“Yep, I had my Wheaties this morning.” He flashes his smile at me once more. Too sexy.
“You are quite the smart ass, but I like it. It becomes you,” I flirt more.
“I am quite gifted in many areas, and if you behave I might show you all of my gifts one day.” He winks and puts his sunglasses on. I take it he is ready to roll. I grab my white cat-eye shades and follow him to the elevator after locking my door.
Chapter 6
Being on the back of Cutter’s bike feels so freeing, I feel ready to tackle anything right now. Bravely, I peel one arm from around his waist. I lean back slightly and let out a yelp of excitement. He chuckles getting a real kick out of my enjoyment. I can feel his laughter tensing through his stomach muscles. Where do they breed guys who are naturally ripped like this? Harlan had a nice body, but he had to work hard to maintain it.
We speed through town and everyone is staring at us, but today I don’t care. I don’t know if it is because I took my meds or because of the effect Cutter is having on me. Or maybe I am just so lonely, the slightest attention is getting me excited. Either way, I am having so much fun for the first time in over a year.
Cutter is so easy to be with. I know I just met him, but Harlan always blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in his life. It feels good to be with someone who just lets me be me and doesn’t have any great expectations of me. Even when I am with my Gram, I feel like I am always letting her down in some way.
Classes start next week, and I am so nervous about it. Being I didn’t plan on attending, I am going to have to get a move on in preparing myself for them. But today I want to be anyone but me and being on the back of a motorcycle with a cute guy, makes me feel anything but myself. We turn down a winding road heading aw
ay from town. He takes me to the falls, it’s like he can read my mind.
He gives me some space on the bridge, but not much. I think he is afraid I will try to jump. I look to the cliff and close my eyes. “Harlan,” I whisper his name. The wind rustles slightly. I know he is here watching and listening to me.
“Don’t be angry with me, Harlan. I know you aren’t happy with me right now, but I need you to understand.” The feeling that he is close leaves me, so I figure it is time to go. He will forgive me soon enough. I reach into my bag for a cigarette, and I find the envelope I put all my paper daisies in.
“Whatcha got there,” Cutter asks as I pour some of the flowers into my hand.
“Oh these, they were a gift. I believe Harlan left them for me. I used to find them on my pillow at night.” I throw a few over the rail and out to the falls. I want Harlan to know I haven’t forgotten him, just because I am spending time with Cutter.
“So, he used to leave them for you when you were dating?”
“No, it might sound crazy but when I was in the hospital after Harlan passed, he would leave them for me.”
“Not crazy at all, but how do you know they weren’t from someone who wanted to see you smile. I’d bring you flowers if it would make you smile.”
I put the rest of the daisies back into their envelope and back into my bag. It is definitely time for that cigarette. The flowers had to be from Harlan, who else would have known how badly I missed being able to hide away in my Gram’s garden while I was in the hospital?
We go for a short hike around the falls before we hit the road again. I show him the best spots for spotting the bald eagles when they come here, but that isn’t until January. He makes me promise to come back here with him sometime to see the eagles. I say that I will but who knows.
The falls is supposed to be my special place for being close to Harlan. It feels wrong to be here with Cutter. Like I am bringing a new dog home and letting it mark his territory for his own. Not that I can keep someone from enjoying the falls, but I shouldn’t be in our spot with someone else, even if Harlan can never truly be here to enjoy it with me like he used to.
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