It doesn’t necessarily mean that I love Harlan any less.
I am broken from my epiphany by Cutter tackling me into a pile of snow. “Babe, your nose is cold, how about another beer to warm you up.”
Cutter goes down to the truck to get me another drink and comes back with fireworks instead.
“Woo, hell yeah,” Hurley calls out ending in a belch.
Eww, glad I am not Brianna having to kiss that mouth.
“Real attractive.” Brianna smacks at him playfully as he grabs her by the waist and twirls her around.
The guys are such little boys when it comes to the firecrackers. Their eyes light up like Christmas as they shoot off the roman candles.
I walk down to the truck to get a cigarette and another beer. I check the time on my cell phone it is nearly one a.m. I am feeling tipsy but exhausted at the same time. I look up the hill at my friends running around in the snow having a snowball fight under the glow of the moon. Life couldn’t be any better in this moment. I finally feel freed, somewhat.
Maybe it is the beer talking, but maybe I want more than a year.
Drunken Cutter has very loose lips. He has told me in my ear he loves me twice now on the ride home. I am going to blame it on the alcohol. How can he possibly think he loves me? I have always heard that people tell the truth when they are drunk, but whoever came up with the saying has got to be sadly mistaken.
Drunken Cutter is also very touchy feely, which I like, a lot. He is trying so hard to break through the layers of clothes I am wearing, and it is so cute that he is pissed about it and pouting.
Cutter gave the keys to his apartment to Brianna and Hurley for the night. The roads are getting pretty slick and with how much we have all been drinking, they don’t need to be on the roads anymore tonight. I take my sloppy, loose lipped, kind of boyfriend home with me.
He passes out on my couch before I even get his boots off his feet.
Ugh, he is like dead weight. It takes me nearly a half hour to undress him from his wet clothes. I run down to his apartment, before Hurley and Brianna pass out or start doing other things, so I can grab Cutter some dry clothes.
I grab a t-shirt and ball shorts that are lying on his bed. I open up his dresser to find some socks, but all I am finding in this drawer are his boxer briefs. I open the second drawer and jackpot, socks. But socks aren’t the only thing I find in his drawer. There are papers about his sister’s disappearance, newspaper clippings, have you seen this child posters. There is a manila file, but I don’t want to intrude on his privacy any more than I have already, so I snap the drawer shut and say goodnight to Brianna and Hurley.
Waking up the next morning in Cutter’s arms is such a good feeling, I feel safe. I have been weeks now without any contact or vibes from Harlan. Am I moving on and letting part of him go, or is it the increase in my medication doing its job? Was I imagining everything that was happening with Harlan? Did I create it all within my mind because I yearned so deeply for him?
“Morning, beautiful,” Cutter grumbles in my ear, hugging me closer.
“How are you feeling? My head is pounding. I need caffeine.” I roll out from under his hold on me. “I like to have never gotten you in the bed with me last night and you were snoring something vicious.”
“At least I don’t sleep with eyes half open like I am dead,” he says, then yawns before throwing a pillow at me. “How did I get into these clothes?”
I tell him all about his passing out on the couch on me, how I was thoughtful enough to go to his place to get him clean, dry clothes.
Instead of saying thank you, he seems irritated that I was in his apartment.
“Why were you in my drawers, Bella? What did you see?” I can’t tell if it is anger or hurt that is flashing in his eyes, but the look he just gave me is pissing me off.
“Damn, Cutter. I didn’t touch anything. A simple thank you would suffice. I’m not some nosy ass snoop. I didn’t touch your things. Just your underwear and socks.” I cross my arms over my chest. Asshole. I don’t wait for a response. Instead, I stomp my way into the kitchen and start my coffee maker. Fuck that, I didn’t do anything wrong.
“I didn’t mean to give you a death glare, honest. I have a surprise for you for Christmas, I was just afraid you may have seen it when you were in my drawers is all.” He crosses the room and hugs my waist from behind, resting his head on my shoulder. “I don’t want to fight with you, okay?”
“You mentioned a surprise. That may soften me up some.” I bat my lashes at him trying to be seductive while begging with my eyes.
“Oh no you don’t, it doesn’t work like that.”
“But you did say that you love me last night. And if you love me you want me to be happy, right?” I pout my bottom lip out at him.
“I said that last night?” he looks confused, like he is concentrating so hard on remembering. I could use this fact to my advantage and screw with him. I should quit while I am ahead, but I don’t. “It was really cute. It’s okay, Cutter, you love me. No need to be embarrassed. I mean, I am pretty loveable.” I give him a naughty wink and go back to making my coffee.
Cutter starts to add more to the conversation, but there is a knock at my door before he is able to get the words out.
“Please tell me you have coffee.” Brianna comes into the kitchen massaging her temples. “Have you looked outside this morning, it really is a winter wonderland.”
I hand her the cup I had just poured for myself and go look out the window in the hall outside of my door that overlooks the parking lot. Dang, I can barely make out the shape of my car. Looks like Hurley and Brianna might be stuck with us for at least another day, until the salt trucks have run and cleared the main roads.
I am supposed to have a session with Dr. Peters this morning, but there is no way I can make it to his office. I receive a text from him that he wants me to call him. Cutter is going to his place for a bit to shower and change. Hurley goes with Cutter to his apartment. I think he needs a little space from Brianna; she sticks to his side like glue.
Brianna is making use of my bathroom, so I tell her I am going to my room for a bit that I have some final changes to put on my brochure project before I email the finished product to my professor.
Locking my bedroom door, I turn my flat screen on that hangs on the wall across from my bed. I don’t want Brianna to hear me on the phone with my shrink. The walls in these apartments are paper-thin. I open my closet, sit in the floor and call Alex. I tell him about the epiphany I had last night about my medication and my feelings towards my situation with Harlan.
We talk about my being able to accept that Harlan is gone and whether or not I live a happy and full life, or a sad and miserable existence can never change the fact that he is gone and never coming back. Our call ends on a good note with him telling me how proud he is of the progress I have made these past few months. He says we will discuss my taking my relationship with Cutter to the official boyfriend level during my next session.
I wish we could have phone sessions more often. It was so much easier talking to him over the phone than it is face to face.
Chapter 19
The weather has given us a reprieve and the snow is slowly melting away. Cutter hasn’t brought up the l-word since he was drunk, and I don’t want to force the topic on him, but I think I am falling for him too. I haven’t been back to the falls since my therapy session with my camera, but I want to talk to Harlan. I want to tell him how I feel about Cutter. I can only hope that his soul is at rest and that he will be happy that I am deciding to get my act together and take advantage of all the opportunities before me.
I have decided that I no longer want to be a professional photographer. I enjoy doing it as a hobby so much more than as a career. I guess that is the great thing about college, you find out who you are, who you want to be during these years. I don’t know what I want to do with my life right now, but I am happy to be here still.
I dress in my favorite
orange cashmere sweater, my black leggings and black Ugg boots with the fur trim around the top. My hair is left down in loose tendrils. I make my eyes smoky and leave my lips nude. Is it weird that I got dressed up to go talk to my dead boyfriend? It is, isn’t it?
I get in my car, light up a cigarette, turn on the heat and the radio while I am waiting for the car to heat up. I only have my literature class today and it doesn’t start until three. I am so glad I only have another week of classes before winter break. My car warms up and I am finished with my cigarette, so I start my drive to the falls. I saw on the news that the bridge has finally been repaired, but they do advise everyone stays clear until after winter because of the weather we have had.
My talk with Harlan can’t wait that long though. Parking my car, I wrap my black scarf around my neck and put on the matching gloves. Taking the trail I have walked so many times before, I take my time. The rocks and ground are slick from all of the snow we have recently had. Falling right now and busting my ass is not on my to do list. I find myself wishing I had brought my camera with me. There is a beautiful Cardinal perched on a nearby pine tree. The red really pops with the snow covered limbs behind him.
The picture would have made an awesome Christmas gift for my Gram. That is how she is, she’d much rather have a picture taken by me than something store bought I find my way onto the bridge that has held so much meaning to me. I thought once that it held the end of my life, but now I know it held the beginning. Cutter and I met here for a reason. Maybe Harlan wanted me to meet Cutter. Maybe that is why he kept pulling me here, so our paths would cross.
“Harlan,” I whisper his name into the wind and smile as his name leaves my lips. “I miss you—I do. But that isn’t why I am here today. I want to talk to you about Cutter. I never thought I would be telling you this, but I think I am falling in love with him. I actually think that you would like him if you really knew him. He’s good for me. He understands me in ways that you never did. I will always love you, Harlan, but I think maybe it is time I say goodbye. I know that I need to let you go for both of us.”
I actually feel good about saying goodbye. I never thought it would be possible for me to feel this way. I never thought I would last this long without Harlan by my side. I just hope he doesn’t feel like I have replaced him. I will never forget him. He will always own a piece of my heart.
I take the envelope that holds what is left of my paper daisies and pour the contents out over the edge of the bridge and into the falls. “Goodbye, Harlan.” I press my fingers to my lips blowing him one last kiss.
*—*
I take a seat on the chaise in Dr. Peter’s office. “You look good, Bella. It’s so good to see you smiling so much.”
“Well, Alex, I have had a revelation and I think you will be extremely proud when I tell you what I have accomplished on my own. I have direction in my life again. I owe you huge thanks. You have helped me more than you know. I am going to drop out of my photography class. I only want to keep pursuing it as a hobby. I am still not sure what I want to do with my life, but I have my whole life to figure that part out.”
I take a sip from my coffee that Cutter made me this morning. There is nothing like his special brew, as he calls it. A grin forms on my mouth as I think of him and how we spent our morning and the things he persuaded me into doing in return for my coffee.
“These are all good things, Bella. It looks like you are putting in the work towards building a successful future. I hope you understand though that this doesn’t mean you can stop taking your medication or stop coming to our sessions.”
“Oh, totally. I promise. But none of this is what I wanted to tell you. I did it. I let Harlan go. I went to the falls on my own and told him goodbye.”
I continue to tell him that I am falling for Cutter. How I finally feel like I am okay with the fact that my life with Harlan is over. I now know that I need to concentrate on the here and now. Not what was or what I felt should have been.
Dr. Peters tells me that he is comfortable with only seeing me once a month after the first of the year. His office is going to be closed for the holidays, but he doesn’t want me to hesitate to call if I need him.
“I’m so proud of you,” he tells me as I leave his office.
*—*
Christmas break has officially begun. I am meeting up with Brianna to go shopping for presents for the guys. I still have no idea what to buy for Cutter. I mean how do you put the words I love you into a box and wrap them up?
Brianna is getting Hurley a watch. A watch is nice, but it just doesn’t fit for what I want to say to Cutter. I want to take the summer to go backpacking across Europe, maybe I could buy Cutter a ticket to come with me. What could be more romantic than traveling halfway across the world together? I want to take a balloon ride over the French countryside and maybe do skydiving while I am there too. I still want to work on my list.
I know summer is a long way off, but I think it will show him that I care about him and plan on having him in my life for a long time to come. Plus, if we are overseas on the anniversary of our deal he will know that I want to live. I no longer find myself having thoughts about throwing myself from the bridge.
I leave Brianna in the jewelry store and go to the travel agent located across the street.
The lady working behind the desk is super helpful. She is able to plan all of our destinations and print me the itinerary. I am instructed to get our passports made as soon as possible and that we will need to make sure we are up to date on all our vaccinations.
Cutter is going to love this, I just know it. I cannot wait to give him his present. I walk back across the street to the gift shop that sells all sorts of cards and whatnots.
I end up getting Cutter a snow globe set of some of the cities we will visit on our trip —London, France, Barcelona to name a few. Brianna comes in to the store to get Hurley a card as I am paying for my purchase. The tickets and the trip in general are going to set me back some, but if I get a job, I can swing the cost of it all.
Brianna pulls out the watch she bought for Hurley. It is fancy, and she had a message engraved on the back. The message reads, I crave you, with a heart and her initials.
It may sound silly to some, but if they saw the way the two of them are constantly all over each other then they would know it makes perfect sense.
I decided to get Gram something more personal for Christmas. I had a quilt made featuring all my favorite pictures of the two of us throughout the years.
Gram even invited cutter to spend Christmas with us.
Everything finally feels like it is coming together for once.
*—*
Christmas
I gave Gram her quilt this morning and she absolutely loved it. She has already gone to bed for the night. I decided I wanted to wait and give Cutter his gift when it was just the two of us.
We are seated on the floor in front of the fireplace and beside of the tree. I reach under the tree and give Cutter the box containing his globes and the papers confirming our trip. He insists that I open my present first. He hands me an envelope. I quickly open it. I am shocked to see how much we think alike. Looks like he has had traveling on his mind as well.
Inside the envelope are two tickets to New York City for New Year’s Eve. I am so excited. I know he chose it because Times Square is on my list. “Well, I thought what would be a better way to experience Times Square than on New Year’s Eve.”
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I plant a huge kiss on his lips. “I love it, it is the perfect gift. Now open yours.” I throw my hands together with excitement; I cannot wait to see his reaction.
He takes his sweet time unwrapping the Santa Claus paper and ribbon from the box. Carefully, he removes each snow globe from its packing foam. I can tell he likes them, but he is perplexed as to why I am giving them to him.
“There is more, open the envelope,” I squeal at him. “While we are on the subject of traveling.” A Cheshire grin sp
reads across my face.
Cutter pulls the papers from the envelope. “Are you serious? We are spending the summer in Europe?” His face is priceless. “This is amazing, your gift blows mine out of the water, babe.” he cups my face. “You are amazing,” he mumbles into my lips giving me a sloppy grinning kiss on the corner of my mouth. “I almost forgot.” he takes a jewelry box from his pocket. “Sorry, it isn’t wrapped.”
“Hush,” I shush him, take it from his hands, and open it up. He bought me a beautiful rose pendant. It is silver with diamonds on the stem and one large diamond in the center of the rose. “Cutter, its beautiful.”
“It pales in comparison to the beautiful rose sitting before me.” When he talks like this, it is hard to believe he is real. He is so thoughtful and sweet when he wants to be.
“Oh, one more thing, we will have to take a semester off from school, our trip to Europe extends into October. I want us to get the full experience, so we will be gone for around five months.” I bite my lip waiting for his response as he clasps the chain for my pendant around my neck.
“You won’t hear me complaining. But you do realize this calls for a renegotiation of our deal. This trip extends us over a year’s time.” he winks at me.
“Well then, you just name your terms. I’ll be waiting to hear them.” I wiggle my ass at him as I take the paper from the floor and throw it in the trash.
“Don’t worry, I will, soon. Be sure you pack warmly for New York, it’s supposed to snow while we are there.”
*—*
Brianna and Hurley are driving us to the airport, so I don’t have to pay to park my car. They are going to pick us up when we fly back as well.
Brianna is totally jealous of my Christmas presents. Hurley bought her a beautiful charm bracelet, but she is pouting over New York.
Don't Let Me Go Page 15
