by LJ Maas
At last, I threw him into the air and he took flight. He circled for a long time, swooping closer to see if I would toss out the lure as I had in training. After some time, he flew off. I stood there for quite some time just in case, but he was free now and able to make his own choice. At that moment in my life, that profound thought made a difference in me. Although it would be a great many seasons, before the thought would be put to good use again.
On the day I spoke with Delia regarding Gabrielle, the older woman reminded me of what happened the next day, on a crisp fall morning. The screeching of the massive bird brought me from the castle, glove fixed firmly on my hand. When I raised my arm, the bird glided gracefully to the perch, the muscles in my arm straining to bear the weight of the creature whose wingspan was easily the length of my body. He sat there regarding me and accepted a few tidbits of meat from my hand; it was quail, his favorite. The bird flew off again, but he circled the castle once as if to say that he knew this was home. Delia said he was letting me know that his heart would always be here, therefore, he would always return.
We built suitable shelter and sanctuary for him outside the palace walls, and he came and went as he pleased. It was the remembrance of this time, which made up my mind about Gabrielle. Late one evening, as we lay together in bed, I decided to let Gabrielle fly free. I knew, however, that unlike the eagle that still came to my gloved hand, my small slave might choose not to return. I also understood that although I was able to deal with the loss of the magnificent creature from my life, I would not fare so well if Gabrielle left. If she were to leave, I realized that my life would never know joy again, and if she stayed, it would never experience greater happiness.
* * *
The trial went on for much longer than I expected. I would end my days, completely exhausted from listening to, and ruling on points, that the two magistrates argued back and forth. Of course, this being the case that I would use as a precedent to put my new law into effect, I had to keep going back to my libraries to reference scrolls. Reaching my limit one day, I sent a messenger to find Gabrielle, telling her to pull two particular scrolls and send them to me. It was with some surprise that she not only found the scrolls, but also did it in half the time it would have taken me. The young woman became invaluable at referencing material and soon, I found that she was scribing the sketchy notes I made during the trial onto scrolls in the evening, so I might read them easier the next day. The ironic part about Gabrielle’s involvement was that, although I could have used her abilities down in the Great Hall, where the trial was being conducted, slaves were not allowed to enter the room unless they were directly involved in the trial.
Therefore, it was no surprise that I was somewhat oblivious to the change in Gabrielle’s behavior. I noticed for the past few days she was quieter than usual, but she would smile and shrug off my concerns. If my mind hadn’t been quite so focused on the damned trial, I might have learned the truth before the palace was thrown into such chaos.
I rose even earlier than usual one morning, spending the time in my study with the scrolls Gabrielle transcribed for me the night before. I smiled when I realized that it was I who fell asleep, for a change, waiting for Gabrielle to come to bed. She sat up late, copying my notes by the light of the candle, leaving them in the middle of my desk, so I would find them first thing this morning.
The sun was not yet up, when shouts could be heard, not only throughout the palace, but outside in the courtyard as well. I armed myself and stepped into the hall, nearly running into a young soldier.
“What in Hades is going on?” I yelled.
“The slaves, Lord Conqueror... some are causing trouble, a few have already escaped beyond the palace walls.”
“How many is some?” I asked quickly.
“Twenty-five... maybe fifty.” He answered, looking nervous and rattled.
Half a dozen slaves were trouble; fifty... well, fifty was an uprising. Ares balls! Why now, I was so close, this could ruin everything. I grabbed the youth by the shirt and pushed him off in the opposite direction.
“Go find Captain Atrius--”
“Aye, Lord Conqueror... ” I heard the familiar voice already behind me.
I turned to find Atrius leading six members of the royal guard and Delia.
“Here, here, and here,” the Captain indicated the entrances to our rooms, stationing guards at each point.
“I came to be with Gabrielle,” Delia stated simply and I knew there was no point in arguing.
Atrius, Delia, and I entered the outer room and I opened the door to the bedchambers to find Gabrielle already putting on her robe.
“I hear shouting.” Gabrielle said with a worried frown.
“It’s all right, love. It seems some of the slaves have staged a small revolt--”
“Oh no!” Gabrielle cried out.
I wrapped my arms around her trembling figure. “Shhh, it’s not that bad. I’ve got to get down there, Gabrielle, but Delia is in the other room, she’s come to stay with you, and there are guards at all the doors to our rooms. Don’t worry,” I kissed her forehead. “I’m going to try my best to see that no one gets hurt.”
I hugged her and walked through the door to the outer room, Gabrielle tying her robe and trailing behind me. It was unlike the small woman to forget there were others in the room, but when I opened the door to leave, she cried out.
“Xena.”
I turned, and she held such a look of fright in her face that I moved to sweep her in my arms once again. I kissed her one more time.
“It will be all right, little one.” I said and pushed her toward Delia. I left the room with a backward glance at my young slave, only to watch as tears slid down her face.
* * *
Two candlemarks. As slave revolts go, it was probably the shortest one on record. They weren’t very well organized and had no weapons. A few guards got the stuffing knocked out of them, but with the exception of a few cuts and bruises, there were no casualties on either side. I was adamant about the fact that no slaves were to be harmed. I know how soldiers operate, I made sure every man and woman that made up the six squads, was aware of my order.
I sat heavily in the chair in the Great Hall that served as throne. A serving girl brought me a hot mug of tea and I sat alone and in silence as the sun came up. As Apollo’s chariot pulled the burning orb up into the sky, I watched the shadows on the floor creep away, until the whole room was bathed in brilliant light. Scuffling and cursing broke out behind me and I knew they were bringing her before me for sentencing. Slaves, unlike free men, received no trial. They were either guilty or they weren’t and in this case, part of me was glad, the other part cursing myself for what I was about to do. I finally looked up from my musings, to notice Atrius and four guards holding the prisoner in chains before me. It didn’t surprise me in the least that the leader of the slave revolt was Gabrielle’s friend, Carra.
One of her eyes was swollen shut and she had a number of small cuts on her, but nothing she wouldn’t recover from. She was pushed from behind to kneel to me and she spit at my boots.
“You may think you own me, but you don’t!” she hissed.
I took a deep breath, trying not to let the woman’s words affect me. How can I condemn or punish slaves now that I have Gabrielle? I felt that every decision I made would have an emotional impact on the relationship between the small blonde and myself.
“So, what am I to do with you now, Carra?” I asked seriously.
I think the tone of my voice confused her. She furrowed her brow and continued to glare at me.
“You can no longer be trusted as a slave within this palace, but there are few laborers who will take a woman, especially one who incites the other slaves to riot. You leave me with few choices.”
“Go ahead and crucify me,” she spat, “I know you’re dying to. Bet you won’t be so quick to nail your little plaything to a cross, though.”
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I asked,
assuming she meant Gabrielle.
She laughed then and just stared up at me defiantly. “Are you forgetting, Conqueror? Your precious Gabrielle is a slave, too. If the slaves mutiny, do you really think your personal slave wouldn’t know about it?”
The comment took me absolutely by surprise. I never even considered that Gabrielle would know. Suddenly I was remembering the young woman’s terrified reaction to the news. She didn’t act surprised... only frightened.
“You’re thinking about it now, aren’t you Conqueror? Ever think about what else your slut and I did together?”
I slowly rose from my chair. I towered over the still kneeling woman, remembering the way I ordered the chains removed from Kassandros, so that I could make him pay for his comments about Gabrielle. My mouth opened to speak and I realized that this slave almost beat me. She almost caused me to lose my temper along with my focus. I should have been immune to childish taunts, but for a moment, I let her get the better of me.
I slumped back into my chair, that same confused expression plastered on her face. That’s when I let the thought in my brain, the nagging kernel of half-truth that this slave planted in my brain regarding Gabrielle, possess me. It didn’t take long for the idea to germinate and, like the roots of a tenacious plant, take hold of my conscious mind.
“Get her out of here.” I ordered between clenched teeth.
The guards looked at Atrius. “Her punishment, Lord Conqueror?”
“Did you hear me order a punishment?” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Throw her in a cell and get her out of my sight!”
When they dragged her from the room, and I was once more left in silence, I looked down to see that my nails left their imprints in the wooden armrests of my chair. I sat there for quite some time, at first thinking of nothing, finally thinking too many different thoughts, all of them centering around Gabrielle. I believe a long time passed before I heard a noise at my elbow and saw that it was Atrius. As always, he intuitively knew when to leave me alone, and how long it would take for my initial anger to pass.
“Lord Conqueror?” He queried respectfully.
“Yes?” I answered in a low tone.
“I feel that I must be the one to speak with you regarding this matter... for two reasons.” Atrius said stiffly.
“And what do you have to say?” I refused to meet his eyes.
“She’s not the only one saying it, Lord Conqueror,” Atrius finally said in a tired voice. “Two others we rounded up said they heard the same thing. The slaves across the palace are talking and by nightfall, with the way gossip travels in here, everyone will have heard.”
I breathed a heavy sigh, trying to force the anger inside me down to a manageable level. It rose up like bile in my throat and my head began to throb with the effort of containing it. I rose and walked over to one of the windows, glancing outside. The day was so beautiful; it was hard to realize that my love and my dreams were shattering inside of me.
“Atrius?”
“Yes, Lord Conqueror.”
“What were they? You said there were two reasons why you needed to be the one to tell me.” I asked, seeking explanation.
“Because I knew the temptation would be great to kill the messenger. I hoped that after twenty seasons, I would fare better.” He said with a wry smile. “The other reason is that I genuinely like that girl. I think that if Gabrielle did know, she must have had a good reason for not revealing it,” my Captain answered.
“Do you honestly believe that, Atrius?” I asked him.
“Yes, Lord Conqueror, I do.”
I turned from the window and walked past him, out of the hall. I wasn’t sure I was heard as I passed him by.
“That’s good... I’m not sure if I do.”
* * *
I stood in front of the open balcony in the outer room, looking out onto the landscape, but not really seeing anything. I sent a guard looking for Gabrielle the moment I entered the rooms and found her gone. It wasn’t long before I heard the sound of the door opening. It wasn’t long enough, however, because I was nowhere near ready to do this. I would ask and she would answer, and it would be over. How could I have left myself open for this heartache? My bruised ego and wounded heart left me feeling heart sick and sorry for myself. That feeling was quickly being replaced with anger. Gabrielle made her choice; she would have to live with the consequences. Like a child with no ability to reason whatsoever, I saw the situation in only one light. I knew only that Gabrielle chose her slave friends over me, and when I turned, my arms folded across my chest, directing my angry gaze in her direction, she realized that I knew.
I watched as her expression changed from loving concern, to fear, and then finally, resignation.
“My Lord.” She bowed her head in submission.
Part of me hoped it was in regret, but that small part of me was becoming more miniscule with the passing moments. I could feel that old anger bubbling just under the surface, waiting to rise up and engulf me. The beast was pacing like a panther in an iron cage.
I clenched my jaw tightly, raising my head up to stare at the ceiling, while I took deep even breaths. “Gabrielle, I have been given distressing news and I want you to either confirm or deny it.” I said in an ominous low tone, that I’m sure she hadn’t heard me use before, at least not directed at her.
“Did you know of the slave revolt, before it happened?” I asked, my voice tight and controlled.
“Was anyone hurt?” she asked quickly.
“Did you know?” I demanded again, through clenched teeth.
Gabrielle looked up and I watched as her eyes filled with tears, spilling out to run down her cheeks. Under normal circumstances, the sight would have caused my own heart to break, but now there was only anger. I’m sure it was apparent, even to Gabrielle, that the Xena she loved was being trampled and overcome by the Conqueror.
“Yes.” She answered softly, lowering her head again.
“And you care so much more for Carra than me, that you refused to warn me?”
“No.” Gabrielle’s head popped up. “Xena, I love you... ”
I merely arched an eyebrow at the admission as she stumbled on.
“I didn’t know what to do... I couldn’t... I couldn’t tell. She... I needed to prove to her that... that I was her friend.”
I quickly turned my back and pounded my fists loudly into the table. “Gabrielle, do you know what you’ve done? I am working day and night to prepare a trial to put in place laws to banish slavery, and now this!” My voice grew louder with every word and I knew that if I turned around, Gabrielle would be staring at me in surprise.
“Now, how do I tell the people that slaves are no different from them, mean them no harm, after something like this?!” Again, I slammed my fist into the table, until it was numb, feeling my fury inching closer to the surface.
When I turned around, Gabrielle could only stare at someone she could barely recognize. I could see it in her face.
“I didn’t know what to do,” she cried. “I wanted her to have a friend... to show her that she could trust me,” she finished.
“Trust? I trusted you!” I shouted back at her. “You didn’t believe that I changed, did you? You thought the Conqueror would sweep down and nail those slaves to crosses, didn’t you?”
That’s when she gave me a look that was filled with an incredible sadness. She didn’t have to agree; I saw the truth of it acknowledged in her eyes. I narrowed the space between us, feeling my whole body trembling with rage.
“You’re right,” she answered, “but my mistrust of you is no more than what you still feel of me, Xena.”
“I trusted you with my life!” I shouted.
“Only not with my freedom.”
Her answer was spoken so calmly, so softly, that she came across as a woman already condemned, and so she was. I could no longer hold back the demon inside me. The beast clamored for a release to the white-hot fury that was the truth of my actions. I would hold myself ac
countable for every heartbeat of every day for my next act.
I was no longer in control of my body, and I watched as if outside myself, as my arm lashed out and struck Gabrielle across the cheek. Regret instantly burned through me like hot metal, even as I saw the hand in motion, but I was not in control enough to halt its movement.
It wasn’t a punch, and I suppose I attempted to pull back enough so that it was simply a hard slap, but the deed had been done all the same. Gabrielle stood there, steadfastly refusing to fall to her knees. The look in her eyes seemed to mock me, telling me that she knew one day I would strike her.
Breathing hard, I wheeled away from her, my chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath, my eyes focused on the hand I held before me. I could only stand there and stare at my right hand, five seasons of control, wasted in a heartbeat. How long I stood there looking down at my hand, I couldn’t remember, but I knew I couldn’t even bring myself to look in her eyes. The weight of what I’d done, falling on me heavily, I continued to stare, transfixed, at that one hand. Finally clenching my fingers into a fist, I hissed.
“Get out!”
Just before I heard the door open, Gabrielle poured salt in the open wound by uttering the cruelest words I ever heard her say.
“Yes, Lord Conqueror.”
CHAPTER 17
