by LJ Maas
“You still don’t get it, do you? You are a slave, Gabrielle. She owns you! What do you think she would say if you told her you didn’t want to sleep with her when she wanted you... do you think she would say she loved you, and it would be all right? Not for a heartbeat! She would take you and rape you until she showed you who was the master and who was the slave!”
“That’s not true!” Gabrielle shouted back. “Xena would never treat me that way.”
“She’s done it before, what makes you so special?” Carra responded, snidely.
Gabrielle’s face was contorted in pain. I never told Gabrielle the things I’d done, the ways in which I treated the women who came before her in my bed. I sometimes thought she knew, but she never questioned. The look on her face at this moment, told me that if she suspected any of the rumors were true, she never wanted to believe them. Again, I left her unable to fight against attacks like Carra’s.
“She wouldn’t do it to me,” Gabrielle replied.
“Yea, right! She was more than willing to believe you betrayed her.”
“It’s you who don’t understand,” Gabrielle took a step forward. “I did betray her! I should have told her of your talk, and not because I am her slave, but because I am her lover! I didn’t tell her a thing because I didn’t believe her. I didn’t believe she’d changed. I didn’t trust her when she told me she was trying to be different. I saw that she could be good, but I also saw the darkness inside her and it frightened me. I was afraid of what she would do to you... to my friends.” Gabrielle brushed her tears away and paced a bit in front of the cell.
“And, this is how you repay me.” She turned sad, lonely eyes toward Carra. “You deliberately made Xena think that I hurt her, that I would be disloyal to her with you. Do you know why I hurt so, over this? Because it turns out that I lied to the woman that I love because I didn’t trust her and it seems that, she is the only one I can really trust. With all her flaws, and yes she has hurt me, yet she has been more of a friend to me than you ever could be, Carra.”
“And yet you remain her slave,” The prisoner answered.
“And if I remain so the rest of my life, I will never know a greater love,” Gabrielle answered.
Gabrielle turned to leave and it took every bit of willpower I had, not to run to her and sweep her in my arms. Gods, I couldn’t believe that a woman such as this loved me. Did she still want me? If it took the rest of my life, I would attempt every day to make it right with her. I would show her that I could change, so she would never be in doubt again. I stepped further back, hiding myself in the shadows, but I felt my anger burn strong at the next exchange.
“As long as you remain her slave,” Carra called after Gabrielle, “you will always be known as the Conqueror’s whore.”
Gabrielle kept walking, but as she passed me by, I heard the softly spoken whisper escape her lips.
“I know,” Gabrielle said.
* * *
I had only one thought as I silently waited for Gabrielle to leave the prison. I took deep breaths to calm myself, feeling the beast tug and pull at me, demanding, then requesting, finally pleading release. I walked to the cell and stood there, Carra watched me with a look of pure hatred stamped across her face. Almost... I almost did it. I closed my eyes, willing Gabrielle’s image in front of my mind’s eye.
I must have made for an odd sight, my eyes closed, eventually the beginnings of a smile pulling at my lips. The beast was begging now, and although I was a heartbeat from opening the cell door and making Carra pay for the hurt and the pain Gabrielle suffered because of her meddling and lying, I stopped myself. I pushed my demon away, how, I don’t know, opening my eyes to look on Carra.
“So, did you come here to do what you didn’t have the balls to do this morning?” She sneered.
“That was my intent,” I began calmly. I think the tone of my voice threw her off. “Carra, I walked up to this cell with every intention of causing you a great deal of pain. I wanted you to hurt the way your betrayal has made Gabrielle hurt. She thought of you as a friend and you thought of no one beyond yourself, and how you could use her to best suit your needs. I wanted to rip your heart out for that, but I realized that I was just as guilty. I have committed the same crimes, but now I seek forgiveness. How can I offer less to someone else?”
I turned and walked down the murky corridor, not expecting to hear her voice once I’d gone.
“Love has made you weak, Conqueror,” she spat after me.
I smiled and I’m sure she thought I’d lost my mind.
“You’re wrong, Carra. For the first time in my life, I’m strong enough to get down on my knees and beg for what I truly desire. Love hasn’t made me weak... it’s made me strong.”
* * *
I stood out in the hallway, facing her door, feeling as if I’d been standing there for quite some time. My mind was taken back to Mycenae and the two full seasons I spent fighting back the Persians until, with the Gulf at their backs, they surrendered and departed from Greek soil. There were times when I visited the city, just southwest of my capital city, here in Corinth, and when I passed through the Lion’s Gate upon entering Mycenae, I remembered the brutality of that campaign.
The monumental gate, built in my honor, was a ten-foot tall limestone slab carved to display two lions, flanking a pillar. The slab is held up by a massive stone lintel, which stretches over the high gateway into the city. Each time I enter the city, I am reminded of only one thing. That campaign and the many battles involved, were by far the hardest thing I’d ever done in my life.
My mind comes back to the present and I realize that when I walk through Gabrielle’s door to speak to her, it will be as if I am walking under those creatures carved in my honor. I know that my perceptions will forever be altered as I raise my hand to knock upon the door. Now, I understand that there are scores of things mightier than war, and countless people who are stronger than warriors. I gently knock upon the wooden door, fortified with the knowledge that this will be by far, the hardest thing I have ever done.
She opened the door and we simply looked at one another. Her eyes were every bit as red and swollen from candlemarks of crying, as my own were.
“May I come in, Gabrielle?” I asked hesitantly.
She appeared startled, as if my civility surprised her. “Of course, My Lord.” She pulled the door open wider.
I tried to hide the hurt at her use of my title instead of my name. At least she wasn’t calling me Conqueror. We both stood in her outer room, beside the desk neatly absent of the familiar scrolls and quill. I realized that she probably wasn’t much in the mood for writing. She didn’t offer up a word and I knew it wasn’t her place to. This moment was my responsibility to fix, to take the initiative at least. I shuffled my feet nervously, glancing at her, and then looking down at my boots again.
“I have something to say to you, Gabrielle... can we... can we go into your room, where it’s... um, more comfortable?” I managed to stammer.
Gabrielle said neither yes or no, she simply turned and led the way into the bedchamber.
“Please,” I laid a gentle hand on her shoulder, “sit down.”
She immediately sat back on the edge of the bed. I found myself pacing and once I realized what I was doing, I stopped. Gabrielle looked up at me and for once, I couldn’t read what was written in her eyes. Standing there, towering over her, I swallowed hard once or twice. I moved to stand in front of her, easing myself down onto my knees. She now looked down on me and it felt more appropriate this way, for I was the one who needed to beg forgiveness of her, and not the other way around.
I looked up to study her face, the slightly discolored bruise standing out against the pink skin of her cheek. I lifted my hand and lightly touched my fingertips to the sore area, so light that my skin was barely grazing her own. After all the tears I cried, I was surprised at my own reaction. The tears fell from my eyes, leaving wet trails along my face. I felt my breathing interrupted, as I c
hoked back a sob. Gods, I didn’t want to cry and sound so pathetic, but kneeling here in front of the small woman, no amount of strength seemed able hold the tears back.
“Gabrielle... I... I’m sorry... God’s above, I am so sorry!” I wept and I think it was my reaction that caused the somewhat frightened expression on her face. I babbled out the rest, later realizing I could remember little of what I’d even said.
“I swear, Gabrielle, I will never do that again... ever. I will fall on my own sword before I ever allow you to be hurt by my hand. I know you probably can’t, but I wondered if you could find it in your heart... maybe not now, but someday, when you have time to think about it more. If you could possibly... ”
Gabrielle still hadn’t spoken, but she lifted my face with one of her own small hands. Her brow was furrowed in what appeared to be a combination of confusion and concern. She moved both hands until she was holding my face in each, I could feel my eyes close when she brushed her thumbs across my wet cheeks.
“I’m sorry I’m so bad at this... I’ve never said I was sorry to anyone before. Actually,” I opened my eyes and attempted to smile, “I practiced on Delia earlier.”
“You practiced?” Gabrielle spoke for the first time. “You’ve never said this before... ever?”
I shook my head back and forth. “Never wanted to... never thought I needed to. I always thought it should be up to everyone else to bow to me because I was stronger and that if I said I was sorry it would be like saying I was wrong. I could never afford to be wrong. I thought being wrong and admitting it, would show that I was weak.”
“Oh Xena, is that what you think? That saying you’re sorry means you’re weak?” Gabrielle asked sadly.
I was quick to notice that she used my given name, but I didn’t want to let my heart hope just yet. “I did, but not anymore.”
“What happened to make you change your mind?” she asked.
“You happened. I never expected to love you so much, Gabrielle.” I took strength from the way Gabrielle let her thumb lazily stroke my cheek as I spoke. “I never knew one person could have such an influence on my life. I am so sorry I hurt you, Gabrielle, not just by hitting you, but also by mistrusting you in the first place. I’d do anything to go back in time to undo what I’ve done, but I know that’s impossible. I’ll do anything to make it up to you, anything at all.”
I reached up and placed my hands over hers, grasping them, and pulling each one to my lips for a gentle kiss. “Anything that I have, little one, or anything that I have the power to do, any gift that I can give you... all you have to do is ask me and it will be yours. I don’t do this for your forgiveness. I wouldn’t blame you if you never offered it, and you don’t even have to be with me anymore if you don’t want to,” I lowered my eyes, closing them tightly as I thought about what I was offering. “I just want to make it up to you, Gabrielle... make it right again. Just ask and anything in the Greek Empire will be yours,” I finished.
“Anything?” she asked softly.
I nodded my head. I watched as she rose and stood in front of the balcony, the moon shining in and bathing her face in a silver light.
“You don’t have to give me anything at all, Xena.”
“I suppose I don’t, but it’s something I want to do, not have to do,” I responded.
She turned and my stomach did a small flip at seeing that warm light burn in her eyes once again. “Then you should know that I forgive you, even without the gift.”
I couldn’t help the smile; it took over my whole face. It was such a spontaneous reaction that I found the young woman in front of me, smiling back.
“Then it makes the gift that much more special,” I stated.
“First, I want to know... if you’ll forgive me?” Gabrielle’s eyes darkened instantly, seemingly overcome by sadness.
“Gabrielle, don’t,” I rose to stand beside her. “Please, you have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I don’t believe that’s true. You’re taking all the blame and it’s true, you hit me, but still... it’s also true that I didn’t trust you, Xena. I didn’t think you were that different from the Conqueror I read of in those scrolls, and I feared what you would do, how you would react, if I told you of Carra’s plan.”
Gabrielle looked down and wrung her hands together. “When I called you Lord Conqueror... I did it because I knew it would hurt you, and I wanted you to hurt like I did,” she finished.
“Gabrielle, I think it’s unnecessary, but if it makes you feel better, then of course, I forgive you for that. Please don’t look so sad, it’s only natural to want to lash out and hurt, when you feel that you’ve been wronged,” I explained.
“It shouldn’t be that way, not with someone you love,” she muttered softly.
I walked away from her, hanging my head, while standing in front of the open balcony. The night air was rather chilly, but it felt good when the breeze blew in against my face.
“I’m afraid, Xena,” Gabrielle stated simply.
I turned to look at her in confusion. Did she still not understand what she meant to me? “Gabrielle, what are you afraid of... is it me?”
“Not of you... I... Xena, what will become of me when you no longer want me?” she blurted out, tears already forming in her eyes.
“What?” I was speechless. Had I given her any indication that was what I intended?
Suddenly Gabrielle was sobbing. “What will become of me when you no longer care, what will happen if you sell me to another master? What have you left me fit for?” she continued to cry and I could only stand there, rooted in place, as the girl’s weeping clutched at my heart.
“You have taught me to stand up for myself, to fight back, to even think that I’m worth something! When I have another master I will disobey an order or look the wrong way, I can’t hide who I am any longer and I will surely be beaten or put to death because of it!”
Gabrielle’s whole body shook and I didn’t know if it was out of fear or anger. Gods, had I left the girl that much in the dark as to my intentions? It’s true; I never spoke of our future together, did I? What seemed so clear a course of action was left unsaid between us.
“Gabrielle, come here,” I pleaded, opening my arms and welcoming the feel of her small body, carefully enfolded in my embrace. I squeezed tighter, trying to somehow will her pain into my own body.
“I am so sorry, my love, for never telling you this before. Gabrielle, I have never had any intention of putting you away from me in any manner. I love you and I want us to always be together. Forgive me for never making that clear to you. I thought so many things, yet I said very few.”
I kissed her forehead, feeling her slight body ease its trembling. I pressed my face into the silkiness of her golden hair, breathing in its beautiful scent. I pulled back slightly to look down into her face, it being my turn to wipe her tears away.
“Tell me, Gabrielle, what gift can I give you to try to make amends for all the hurt I’ve caused you?”
“My freedom,” she answered, her green gaze looking clearly up at me.
I knew of course, that would be her answer. If it hadn’t, I planned to give it to her anyway.
“Then so be it. Starting this very moment, you are a free woman, Gabrielle.” I said softly, although my heart was heavy.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes, very.” I moved away from her and sat on the edge of the bed, in the spot she occupied previously.
“It’s that easy?” Gabrielle seemed dumfounded.
It was such a serious situation, but I couldn’t help chuckling at her astonishment. “Actually, it takes a few days for it to be official, but for all intents and purposes, you are a free woman, Gabrielle.”
The smile on her face... Gods, I wish I could capture it. The look of wonder and awe. I held it in my memory, for the day when she would leave, and memories would be all I had left.
Gabrielle moved to the open balcony once more. She must have been aware of such feeling
s of newness and power. I could see her face and it filled me with an indescribable pleasure, knowing I was the one who made it all come true for her.
“I’m free... I’m not a slave.” She repeated to herself, staring out at the night sky. She turned quickly and looked directly into my eyes. “And, if you asked me to share your bed, and I refused, what would happen to me?”
“It would sadden me greatly, I suppose,” I answered, giving her a bittersweet smile, “but you are a free woman, and are free to share your bed with whomever you choose.”
“I could leave... leave the palace, right now and never look back?” she asked, turning to look at the lights of Corinth.
“Yes, Gabrielle.” I answered her, even as my heart was seizing up in my chest. “You could ride away from here... from me, as fast as you could. As a matter of fact,” I continued sadly, “I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did.”
I lowered my head and stared at the floor, waiting to hear the click of the door. To my surprise, I felt the smooth softness of Gabrielle’s hand, caressing my cheek, and reaching down to brush the hair from my eyes.
“Would you tell people?” Gabrielle asked gently.
“Tell them you’re gone?” I asked, looking up in confusion.
“No, silly,” she giggled, “that I’m no longer your slave.”
“Well,” I started, not sure where to begin, “I would have to tell some people, I’m sure Delia would want to know where you were going, and I’d have to make up some identification for you to travel with.”
“Xena, what are you talking about?” Gabrielle’s brows came together in bewilderment.
“I, uh... I... Gabrielle, what are you talking about?” I asked her, suddenly having the realization that we were both discussing two different things.
“Would you tell people... you know, that I was free, so I could go through the palace, and go into the library in Corinth without getting arrested. Xena, what did you think I meant?” Gabrielle was looking at me like I was crazy.
