by Lisa Cardiff
“No, it’s not going to happen. She can leave me if she wants, but I’m not going to walk away from her.”
Alec’s mouth dropped. “Fuck. You’re in love with her.”
Cam’s eyes widened momentarily. “No fucking way. I’m not talking to you about this.” This conversation wasn’t happening regardless of what Alec wanted. He hadn’t said anything to Taylor about the depth of his feelings and he sure as hell wouldn’t confess anything to her brother before he shared it with her. She deserved that and so much more.
“Fine.” Alec laughed. “You don’t have to say anything. I get it.”
“You don’t get anything.”
Alec snorted. “Whatever…it’s about time you got over Bre.”
“I’ll always love Bre.” Cam stepped into the elevator with Alec, pressed the button for the lobby and watched the door close as he mulled over his next words. “As a friend, as the closest thing I’ll ever have to a sister, but it was never the kind of love to build a lifetime on. I understand that now. We were just two people who had known each other their entire lives. We have a shared history and we were comfortable with each other, but it wasn’t crazy love. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah. Don’t you wish you figured that out months ago?” Alec shoved him lightly against the elevator wall. “I was getting sick of your martyr performance. This tour couldn’t end fast enough for my taste.” Alec mock shivered as he chuckled under his breath.
“Screw you,” Cam said, but without heat because no one knew better than him how pathetic and tortured his thoughts had become over the past six months. Before Taylor walked into his life, he could hardly live in his own head any longer. Sure, temporary relief from his nonstop misery could be found in a bottle or another faceless woman, but he hated himself even more the next morning. It was a vicious cycle, one that he’d never repeat. He had learned his lesson.
The elevator doors opened and Alec turned toward him. “Don’t break her or I will kick your ass.”
“I’ll be begging you to kick my ass if I hurt her.”
Alec stepped into the lobby. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”
“So you’re good with everything?” Cam said, sliding on his sunglasses and pulling the hood of his dark green sweatshirt over his head. He didn’t want to be recognized. It took too much time to deal with the autographs and he wanted to fix the issues at the venue, put the final touches on his surprise for Taylor and spend some quality time with her before their performance tonight. Five minutes away from her and he already missed her.
“If you’re asking my permission to sleep with my sister, you’ll never get it—not in this lifetime.” Alec pulled his black and white trucker cap down low over his eyes.
“I’ll settle for Taylor’s permission. You’re not the one sharing my bed.”
“Thank the fuck for that.”
***
Taylor quietly closed the door to the hotel room she shared with Cam, hoping he wouldn’t realize she heard the end of his conversation with Alec. She needed to think before she acted and she didn’t want an audience either.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
When the urge to run after Cam and confront him subsided, she slid to the floor, her back against the door and her head resting against her knees.
He still loved Bre. He’d always love Bre. What the fuck was wrong with her? She knew Cam loved Bre when she took this job. She knew it when his lips first touched hers. She knew every single day since, but apparently she didn’t want to grasp what that meant for her until now when it was inadvertently thrown in her face. And it fucking hurt.
He loved Bre and that wouldn’t change regardless of what she did. Only Cam could decide when he wanted to move on and she thought he had. Evidently, she was wrong.
Where did that leave her relationship with Cam? He said they were in a relationship. Did he mean a friends with benefits relationship? Even if it was more than that, she didn’t want to be a second-rate replacement for Bre in his mind. He finally accepted he couldn’t have Bre so he’d settle for her…for now. No way. She wouldn’t do that, not when she had serious love-like feelings for him.
She went to bed last night, satiated and soothed by his touch. Life was good. Five days until the tour ended and they didn’t have to hide their relationship any longer, but somewhere over the past month, she obviously missed his cues. She thought they were on the same page, but in reality, he didn’t want her like she wanted him and she couldn’t even be mad at him.
Over the past couple weeks, he’d been kind, considerate, affectionate, and everything she’d ever wanted in a man if she had bothered to make a list with the exception of one thing—love her. She could kick, scream and throw a tantrum, but she couldn’t hate him for not loving her or reciprocating her feelings. It wouldn’t be fair. She couldn’t expect him to control his heart, and, unfortunately, his heart told him he still loved Bre.
Now, the ball was in her court. She could either accept what he offered, knowing it would never be what she wanted it to be or she could walk away and hope her feelings for Cam eventually faded with time and distance. Just the thought of either of those options caused her heart to drop to her stomach.
Standing up, she walked to the bathroom to get ready for the concert tonight. She’d give herself five days to decide. She could go with Cam after the tour or maybe she’d move back in with Evelyn in her old room. Evelyn texted her last week saying the room was still open and Natalie had moved out of the building. Miles never had to know that she was back, and if he did find out, she’d find a way to keep him out of her life. In Seattle she had job leads, ones that didn’t involve using her brother’s name. And even though she swore she’d never go back, she didn’t know if she could handle being Cam’s second choice either.
Before stepping into the shower, she sent Evelyn a text.
Taylor: Chasing Ruin will be in Seattle in five days. If you want to go, I’ll leave you a ticket at will call.
Evelyn texted her before she could set the phone down on the bathroom counter.
Evelyn: Will I be sitting with you?
Taylor smiled.
Taylor: No. I have to work during the show. I’ll leave a backstage pass for you too.
It wasn’t the truth. The guys would let her sit where she wanted during the show, but if she decided to walk away from Cam in five days, she wanted to watch Cam from backstage one more time and drink him into her soul before cutting all ties with him.
Evelyn: Can you leave two tickets/backstage passes? Please. You owe me. :)
Taylor: Sure, but only because I owe you…otherwise you’d be SOL.
Evelyn: BTW I saw a picture of you and Cam in Vegas on the internet…
Taylor’s heart nearly jumped out of her chest. Please be harmless.
Taylor: So? What’s your point?
Evelyn: You two looked involved.
Taylor: Involved???
Evelyn: You know…very into each other. Miles is pissed. He stopped by to ask if anything happened between you two.
Not sure she wanted to answer the question, Taylor dropped her phone on the counter and tested the temperature of the water. Her phone buzzed two more times. Apparently, she wouldn’t give up until she answered.
Evelyn: Hello?
Evelyn: Don’t ignore me.
Taylor: Cam and I are friends.
Evelyn: What kind of friends?
Taylor: Not your business, but just friends.
Taylor turned off her phone. She didn’t want to talk about Cam and Evelyn wouldn’t stop until she had details.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Taylor didn’t see Cam again before the show that night. By the time he finished sorting out the logistics of the unique stage configuration, she already left the hotel. She decided to spend the afternoon shopping for some new clothes. When Alec asked her to meet Chasing Ruin on tour, she had stuffed as much as she could into her small s
uitcase, but she was in serious need of some variety. She couldn’t stand the thought of picking something out from her small medley of choices for one more day and she could use some shopping therapy.
Beyond finding new clothes, she really wanted to change the hair color of the small streak near her face. Cam liked it blue. He said it matched her eyes, but she decided to do something a little different. After thirty minutes of deliberation, she dyed it lavender. At first she wasn’t sure she liked it, but by the time she finished getting ready for the show, it had grown on her. She may not do it again, but she couldn’t deny that it looked good with her silver silk halter-top and her black skinny jeans.
The last thing she’d done before she took a cab to concert was check into another room in the hotel. She didn’t want to spend the night in Cam’s bed again. She didn’t know how she would explain it to him, but she needed distance if she wanted to make the right decision by the time they reached Seattle. The minute she crawled into bed with Cam or kissed him, she knew she’d never have the strength to resist him. He was her kryptonite.
By the time she arrived at the concert venue, Chasing Ruin only had a few songs left in the show. Part of her regretted not soaking up every second she could of their performance when so few remained, but the other part of her liked that she took the entire day taking care of herself and her needs. She needed to put herself first for once. She hadn’t done that with Miles and she didn’t want to make the same mistake with Cam.
Besides, she needed to regroup before she saw Cam again and she could only do that by avoiding him for the day. She was proud of herself. She didn’t answer one phone call from him the entire day, and she only responded to his texts when he threatened to place a missing persons report or call Alec, and even then, she had responded with three words—see you tonight.
Walking backstage, she flashed her badge to security as she made her way through the maze of hallways until she reached the side stage where she knew she’d have the best view of Cam. She stood behind a couple people gathered near the opening, but almost immediately she felt Cam’s gaze burning into her.
When she looked up, Cam spun to face her as though he didn’t have thousands of people watching his every movement. The crowd disappeared and the room narrowed to the two of them. His face was an impeccably controlled mask, void of emotion, but when her eyes met his, they were angry and heated. A horrible feeling slithered through her chest. Regret? Guilt? She didn’t know, but the look on Cam’s face told her that he had no intention of letting her walk off the premises tonight without talking to him, and if she wanted to sleep in her own room tonight, it would be a big deal—a very big deal.
When Chasing Ruin finished the final song, Cam stormed off the stage directly toward her, only stopping to hand his guitar to a stagehand.
“We need to talk,” he said, circling her upper arm with his hand and her body stiffened.
“I need to talk to my brother,” she blurted out, not wanting to hear what he had to say at the moment. She would prefer if he had a beer or two first before talking about anything. In fact, maybe she needed one too. Cam’s clear blue eyes narrowed into slits, and she looked over his shoulder pretending to search for her brother. A flash of hurt drifted across his face, and her gut twisted, but then she reminded herself to be strong. She didn’t give a shit if Cam had his feelings ruffled. Welcome to life.
Cam leaned toward her, coming within an inch of her ear. “Come with me now unless you want to do this in front of the entire band and any other person who wants to listen,” Cam said. Each word fanned the side of her face with his warm breath.
“You wouldn’t.”
“I most definitely would.”
Looking around the immediate vicinity, Taylor noticed curious faces turning in their direction. Chewing on the corner of her lip, she wanted to walk away, but she couldn’t do it. Cam wasn’t kidding. He’d spill all their dirt in front of everyone, and now that she knew he still loved Bre, she didn’t want anyone to know she was the fool who fell in love with someone who’d never love her back.
“Fine, but let go of my arm,” she replied through clenched teeth.
Dropping her arm, he started walking through the maze of hallways backstage. For a moment, she stood there unable to move. Turning, Cam stopped and raised his eyebrows. Casually, she strolled forward making sure to greet a few people along the way.
Cam opened a metal door at the end of the hall and waited for her to enter before closing and locking it behind her.
The room was a small office with a desk and a chair that took up more than half of the room. The veneer on the desk was chipped and peeling along the edges. The office looked as though it hadn’t been used for years. The seat of the chair was ripped exposing the dark yellow foam cushion inside.
Cam pointed toward the chair. “Sit down.”
“No, don’t tell me what—”
He tipped his head to the ceiling. “Just sit. Don’t argue with me right now,” Cam said, his voice weary.
Fuming, she sat down but not in the chair. She slid her body on top of the desk letting her legs dangle above the gray tiled floor. She swung them back and forth, letting her heels hit the hollow wood veneer, trying to release some nervous energy.
“What the hell happened today?”
“I needed to do some stuff for myself today. Do you have a problem with that?” she challenged.
“I see that.” His eyes roamed over her body starting at her face and ending with her new black lace up, corset styled heels. Even though she hated heels, something about these spoke to her in the mall and she bought them. His eyes returned to hers full of heat and a bunch of other things that made her squirm against the desktop. “I approve.” His lips just barely lifted at the corners.
“Good. Let’s get a drink in the green room. Only two more shows.” She started to slip off the desk.
Before her feet touched the ground, Cam stepped forward, his hands planted firmly against her hips as he moved between her legs. “In a minute. We’re not done talking.”
“Maybe later. I think you have a meet and greet after the show.” She shifted her body, trying to put more space between them so she could ignore the desire building in her body from his simple touch and his heated stare. She couldn’t do this with him tonight, not when her heart was still bleeding from the revelations this morning.
“I don’t care about that. The fans can wait. I have all night.” He pushed her hair behind her ear and she trembled.
“I don’t. I’m tired,” she lied. Tired or not, it didn’t matter when Cam touched her. His slightest touch never failed to send desire spiraling through her.
“Tay,” he pleaded taking her face between his hands, kissing her lips with so much tenderness, her breath hitched. “Tell me why you avoided me all day.”
“I didn’t—”
He held up his hand interrupting her. “The truth, Taylor. I can’t fix what happened unless you communicate.”
“This can’t be fixed,” she whispered in a ragged voice that she hardly recognized as her own. She despised all this emotional bullshit. She wanted to go back to being numb to life, to emotions, to touchy feely stuff. Life was easier that way.
“Of course it can. Don’t doubt it or us.”
“No, it’s not possible,” she reaffirmed, her voice stronger than before.
“Give me a chance.” He traced the side of her face with his guitar calloused fingertips and her body pitched toward him slightly, almost chasing his fingers.
Feeling herself being sucked into him again, she ducked her head covering her face with her hands. This thing with Cam wasn’t going to work. She needed to stop deluding herself into believing otherwise. “Why can’t you just let her go?” she yelled through her shaky hands.
“Who?” Cam pulled her hands away from her face, lacing her fingers through his.
“Bre,” she blurted out, her voice sounding bitter to her own ears. She hated even saying the name because it evoke
d enough jealousy and insecurity to last her a lifetime. She hated feeling this way. She thought she kicked the old Taylor to the curb the day she walked away out of her childhood home for good, but now that insecure hopeless little girl invaded her body again making her feel weak and pitiable once more. Not an enviable feeling.
“I don’t want Bre.” Cam eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.
Her head snapped up meeting his eye. “I heard you.” She slipped her hands free from his hold. “You. Said. You. Love. Her.” She punctuated every word with a pound of her open palm against his chest while willing her tears to fuck off. This was not the time to cry like a big baby. She was better than that.
“What?” he asked disbelievingly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I would never say that. It isn’t true.”
No. No. No. She couldn’t sit here and listen to him lie. She hated liars. Her mother lied about everything when it suited her. Her relationship with Miles was one big lie from the beginning. Cam could at least give her the respect of being honest with her. “Move,” she said shoving him away from her as hard as she could.
“No. Explain.” He pinned her hands to the top of the desk, blocking her escape with his body.
“I heard your conversation with Alec this morning. Why can’t you let her go? I don’t get it.” She flipped her hair away from her face and tipped her chin up trying to appear strong even though she felt like fading away into oblivion.
Cam looked at the ceiling as he rubbed the nape of his neck. “I let her go a long time ago. I didn’t have a choice.”
“Then move on. She has. She’s with Jax and if you haven’t noticed, she’s never been happier. Everyone can see that except you.” The minute she said it, she knew it was hurtful, but she was hurting too. Didn’t he realize that? He wanted Bre more than anything, including her, and Taylor couldn’t live with that reality, not when she was second, third or fourth best to every other person she had loved in her life. She couldn’t be Cam’s back up plan. She wouldn’t do that to herself…ever.
