Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “Good looking?” comes a hesitant voice, and I shoot upright. I did not even hear them walking in, I’m so lost in my own thoughts, but in front of me stands Eldon and Auden, both looking concerned and a little angry.

  Eldon once told me he had his father’s anger, which I can see it in the tightness of his eyes and clenched fists, but like I told him before, I would never be scared of him. So when he searches my gaze, I relax into the sofa. He advances and I don’t flinch or shy away from the challenge I see there, I meet it head-on. He kneels in front of me, pushing open my legs and sitting in the gap, his hands spanning my thighs. Dragging my gaze from his big hands on my legs, I meet his eyes and wait.

  “Why did you walk away from us?” he asks seriously. I hear Auden fidgeting, but I give Eldon all of my attention for the moment.

  “I needed some space,” I admit.

  “Why? Because of that woman?” he spits, his eyes burning now.

  “Yes,” I say honestly, “and from all the other eyes and expectations. Ever since we got here, I feel like I have been on show and I’m never given a moment of privacy. Is it so bad that I wanted five minutes alone to regroup?” I whisper.

  “No, but you could have just told us that.” He exhales slowly, his anger dissipating. “I thought I had crossed a line and it made me worry, especially when we couldn’t find you. We are here for you, Good Looking, always. You need to remember that you aren’t alone now, and walking off like that is only going to make us come after you. If you want to be alone, just let us know, but don’t just leave,” he orders, his hands tightening around my legs, and I sigh, knowing he’s right. I am so used to being alone, I didn’t even think of that.

  “Okay,” I whisper, and he nods before getting to his feet, his hands leaving my legs and taking the warmth with him. I catch his hand as he turns to leave, no doubt to give me the privacy I was seeking, but with them here now, I realise that wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted to be alone—alone with them, any of them, all of them. I wanted my little family here, I wanted their touch and reassurance, and I’m brave enough to ask for it, knowing that’s all I have to do.

  “Stay,” I beg and he looks down at me, his expression softening as he strokes my thumb.

  “Always,” he replies, just as the sofa next to me bounces and I turn my head to see a grinning Auden.

  “Yay, like you could get rid of us…you know what this means, right?” He grins, his whole face stretching and making those killer dimples appear.

  “What?” I ask warily.

  “Cuddle party!” he yells, making both Eldon and me groan.

  He jumps at me, knocking me back on the sofa and making me giggle as he blankets my whole body. Laughing, he pushes my hair out of my face, and my mouth dries up as his hand lingers there, his eyes dropping to my lips, making me dart my tongue out and wet them.

  He lowers his face, giving me time to stop him, but I don’t want to. He kisses me softly, merely brushing my lips with his before lifting back up and gauging my reaction. When I smile softly at him, he leans back down and kisses me harder than before. His hand runs down the side of my body, making me arch into his touch and gasp into his mouth, letting him sweep his tongue in and tangle with mine before he pulls away again, leaving me breathless and needy.

  We stare at each other, centimeters apart, when Eldon’s voice cuts in. “You call that a kiss?” he scoffs.

  Auden winks at me before sitting back on the sofa, leaving me sprawled next to him. “Think you can do better, big brother?” he teases, and Eldon grins as he strides over to me.

  “Watch and learn, little bro.” He grabs my cheeks, holds me still, and drops his lips to mine, catching me by surprise.

  Sucking in a breath, he sweeps his tongue in, dominating my mouth as he kisses me. It’s wild and hard, so different from Auden’s hesitant touches. He releases one of my cheeks, and I reach up and hold his head, kissing him back, letting all my pent-up emotions out. He runs his hand down my side like Auden did, but he cups my breast, squeezing, making me gasp again before he pulls away. Sitting back on his haunches, he looks over at Auden with a smirk, and I just swing incredulous looks between them both. What just happened?

  “I think we should let Good Looking decide,” Auden pouts, and they both look over at me where I’m still lying back looking dazed.

  “I think I might need some extra data to judge,” I joke and they both grin, giving each other an evil look before they turn to me.

  “That can be arranged. Who do you want first?” Eldon asks, his hand stroking my cheek absentmindedly.

  I swallow hard, as dirty thoughts race through my mind at his innocent question.

  “Both, I want you both,” I blurt out, and once the words are out there, I don’t try and retract them, but they both freeze, suddenly serious. All hints of teasing and brotherly competitions out of the window.

  “Are you sure?” Eldon questions, watching me closely.

  “Are you positive you want us both, Good Looking? Don’t tease, you can’t say something like that and go back on it, you’ll break our hearts,” Auden says softly, serious like Eldon.

  “I would never break your hearts,” I murmur, sitting up because I feel silly lying down.

  “Promise?” Auden presses, sounding so young and lost that I can’t help it. I scoot down the sofa and throw myself onto his lap. Cupping his cheeks like Eldon did to me, I force him to look at me.

  “I promise, I want you both.” I lay a gentle kiss on his lips before pulling away, his lips quirk up in a soft smile, while his eyes are half closed.

  Turning away from him, I spot Eldon waiting where I left him, and this time I crook my finger at him. He hesitates before coming closer, and I grab his shoulder and pull him so his body is pressed against mine and his brother’s, knowing they both need to hear this.

  “I promise you, Eldon, I want you. I want you both and I will never hurt you,” I whisper before sealing it with a gentle kiss. He lets me lead this time, not fighting my control, just following me with his lips until I pull away, and he watches me, his mouth parted and his eyes tender.

  “We better get back, I’m betting Barrott will be looking for me,” I warn with a sigh, and Eldon nods wordlessly.

  “I think you broke him, Good Looking,” Auden teases, and Eldon shakes off whatever came over him, throwing his brother an eye roll as he grabs my hip and stands with me. He twines our hands and Auden scrambles up after us as we make our way out of the unit and back through the ship. Once we are outside, I feel stronger. That reprieve gave me time to process and recoup so I could ignore the looks and whispers.

  “Come on, let’s get to work.” I tug on Eldon’s hand and we head over to the area where they are sorting bedding and clothes.

  We spend the next hour dividing bedding and clothing, and delivering them to tents for people tonight.

  “Indy!” comes a scream, and I drop the blanket I was folding and turn as if in slow motion.

  There, at the edge of the treeline, is Effie, waving like crazy person with a giant pink alien standing behind her.

  “Indy!” she yells again, catching all the camp’s attention as she starts to rush my way.

  I stand frozen with tears filling my eyes. I knew she was alive, but until this moment I didn’t let myself believe that, knowing how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away. She trips over a tent edge and I snort, but the alien behind her rushes forward, catches her, and picks her up. He closes the distance between us, with Effie looking tiny in his arms, but not entirely uncomfortable.

  He stops in front of me and we both just stare at each other, not talking.

  “I see how it is, I leave you for two days and you adopt an alien,” I choke out through a thick throat.

  She laughs, tears dripping down her face, and the alien who holds her watches her in panic.

  “I missed you so fucking much, Inds. Eer, Nidolak, could you put me down?” she asks sweetly, turning those big eyes on the alien w
ho melts just like everyone else. He kneels, placing her on her feet, and steadying her with his hands on her hips before stepping back slightly, not moving far from her. Looks like I’m not the only one with a stalker.

  She looks at me, unsure for a moment.

  “What, no fucking hug? I see how it is—” I start, but she cries out and rushes to me, wrapping her arms around me and burying her face in my neck.

  I return the hug, holding her tight as I fight back tears. “I’m here, you’re okay,” I whisper, and she pulls back until I see her tear-stained face.

  “You ever pull some shit like that again, Indy Stewart, and harem or no harem, I will kick your ass,” she warns.

  I can’t help it, a laugh tumbles from my lips, making her narrow her eyes and look at me indignantly.

  “Missed you too, babe.” I wink.

  SURVIVOR LOG 0004

  Date: Unknown

  Mission: 43, Colony

  Ship: Dawnbreaker

  Location: Unknown Planet

  Effie is here, she’s safe, but Howard isn’t with her. It’s making me worry. What if something has happened to him? I’m putting on a brave face for her though. Camp is getting there, we still have some way to go, but I plan to leave them in charge tomorrow while I head back to the alien camp to learn more about this world, their race, and how to track survivors. Knowledge is our best option at the moment, and we need to know what we are facing. As much as I would prefer action, even I can admit that.

  I’m planning to corner Cain as well. With everything that has happened, I haven’t had time, but I can’t forget his aversion to talking about the rebels and the fact that he already knew about Ayama. He knows more than he is saying and that hurts, but if I get him alone, I know he will open up again. It will be hard though, since Barrott is more protective than ever, and every time I look over my shoulder, I catch his shadow. It fills me with warmth and makes me feel safe, but it is not good when you are spending time with another man, then I just feel guilty.

  I need to address all these feelings, but surviving comes first.

  - Indy, signing off.

  Ground Day Four

  I don’t let Effie leave my side and as soon as it gets dark, we all huddle around a fire that one of the survivors built—just us, our family. The aliens left a short while ago, saying they would keep an eye out in case we needed anything, they even left me with a communication device. I was sad to see them go, but when they departed, the responsibility of acting as a translator left also. I felt like a teenager again, not a woman thrust into a peace position between two races.

  Effie seemed almost sad when her alien stalker said goodbye and faded into the trees, and even now I catch her throwing looks into the forest, as if she expects him to come out at any minute.

  “Tell me everything,” I order, and she turns with a smile and leans her head on my shoulder as we huddle closer to the fire. Barrott moves nearer on my other side, pressing his thigh to mine and offering me his warmth without even asking.

  “Well…” She starts, but seems lost on how to go on.

  “I’m waiting,” I singsong and she groans, looking up at the sky.

  She outlines how she woke up, and when she says the word alone, my heart clenches. We are both worrying about Howard, but I make her continue. When she starts talking about her alien, Nidolak, rescuing her, something in her voice gives me pause, and I narrow my eyes on her slightly pink cheeks. I know Effie better than I know myself—she’s strong, powerful, shy and intimidated by boys. Hell, I’ve never even seen her try for a guy. Maybe it’s aliens that do it for her?

  “Nidolak, huh?” I tease and she elbows me with a narrow-eyed look, her eyes flaring even as her cheeks heat again.

  “Somebody’s got a crush on an alien,” I whisper, and she throws her hand over my mouth, making me laugh.

  “I don’t! I’m just grateful he saved me and brought me to you, and yes, my medical side is curious about their bodies’ differences,” she responds indignantly.

  “Uh-huh, or just curious about his body?” I wiggle my eyebrows and she glares at me.

  Laughing, I hold up my hands. She might not want to admit it, but she’s curious about the alien. “Sorry, sorry.” I turn serious. “I’m just glad you are here, I was so worried.”

  Her eyes soften, filling with tears, and she sniffs lightly. “You don’t ever do that again, I mean it, Indy. I can take dying, I can take crashing with you by my side, but what I can’t take is losing my sister. Having to say goodbye and watch as I’m shot into the atmosphere while the ship she’s on is exploding… You might want to be brave, you might even want to save me, but right then you broke my heart. I would rather die with you, than live without you. You’re my sister,” she whispers, her tears spilling over. Pain constricts my chest, making my breathing tight and painful as I try and hold back the tears. “I can’t lose you,” she finishes.

  “I’m sorry,” I start, but she shakes her head, her blonde hair flying all over.

  “No, don’t lie to me. I deserve better,” she snarls, her nose red and leaking now.

  Turning in my seat, I grab her hands. “I won’t lie to you, not ever. I’m sorry, that doesn’t mean I wouldn't have done it again though. I would do anything to save you, unlike how I couldn't save them, so you can be angry. You can hate me, but I would make that exact same choice to keep you alive.” She softens slightly at the hiccup in my words about me not being able to save my parents.

  She searches my eyes and I let her see the truth in my words. “Do you want to die?” she asks hesitantly, making me recoil.

  Barrott leans closer, offering me his strength, and I know he is eavesdropping, but it doesn’t annoy me as much as it used to. Panic claws at me, but I just promised her the truth, even if it’s painful and raw, she deserves that. “I used to want to, after it all happened. I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing at the time—self-destructing. I didn't even let myself think that I wanted to, but somewhere deep down, I did. I didn't want to live in a world without them anymore, pain was my constant and I felt so alone, even with you and Howard.” I hear Barrott suck in a sharp breath, his only reaction to my words, but it's enough.

  “And now?” she prompts, watching me closely

  “Now, I thank my stars that I never did. That I never crashed those speeders I raced, that I never made a stupid mistake when flying, or took it too far. I have too much to live for, and though they aren't here in person, I know they are here.” I smack my heart, a tear tracking down my face. “I have a new family now, one where I won’t ever be alone. You and Howard, you taught me to trust again, to let people in. Barrott taught me to rely on people and that not everyone will leave…and to love again. Cain, Eldon, and Auden taught me it was okay to smile and laugh. The grief used to be so bad, it was the first thing I thought of in the morning and at night, but now it's the second. Maybe in time it will fade, so when I think of them it won't be in agony but in memory, and as horrible as it sounds, being here has helped. I used to see their ghosts everywhere on board, a constant reminder but here…here I can remember them without that.”

  “You’re the strongest person I know, Indy Stewart,” she declares, holding my hands.

  I force a smile, my mouth opening to make a joke, but she cuts me off.

  “I won’t let you diminish that with some crude joke to hide behind.” I blink at her calling me out on my bullshit and it's her turn to smile.

  “I love you, babe, I do, but you hide behind your humour. You are strong, Indy, so strong. Why do you think everyone here is listening to you? They can’t not, you draw people in like a pillar that withstands the storm. You get knocked down only to rebuild stronger than ever. Yes, you might have a few cracks, but those imperfections only make you, you. I envy your strength, I wish I was like that, but I’m so glad you’re my sister. You were right about these men offering you something, but you didn't acknowledge what you offer them. Barrott was alone before you, no family, nothing—he did
n't even smile. You gave him that, you gave him a reason to fight and function again, and you soften his hardness. Cain was a playboy with an attitude, but you dug deeper and saw the real him, letting him know it was okay. Auden and Eldon were broken, searching for family, and you offered them that without any thought of what it would do to you. You might love them, love us, Indy, but we love you and it’s about time you start loving yourself. ‘Cause babe, you’re fucking amazing.” She blinks on the curse word, pride shining in her eyes as she hammers every truth into my heart until I am speechless—a first, I know.

  “I love you, Effie,” I whisper, not knowing what else to say. She grins and turns us back around, her head once again on my shoulder.

  Watching the flames dance, I follow the smoke up as it floats away into the night. The two moons hang low and are almost full, a beautiful sight, and I find myself stargazing with my family, none of us talking, just happy to be in each other’s presence.

  “We should get some rest,” I say softly, hiding a yawn.

  “I don’t have watch until morning,” Barrott adds.

  “Did we pick a tent?” I ask, my eyes almost shutting in exhaustion.

  “They left one at the far right for those of us who are patrolling, but the others told us we could have it because they want to share with their families and friends.” He shrugs.

  “Effie, you sharing with us, right?” I question, and when I look down I see her staring into the forest where her alien disappeared to earlier with the others, with a lost expression on her face.

  “Yeah,” she whispers. “As long as there are no orgies.” I choke on a laugh and she sits bolt upright, obviously realising that she said that out loud.

  Clamping her hands over her mouth, her cheeks go bright red as we all laugh.

  “We will save that for tomorrow,” Cain teases and she squeaks.