Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “I bet they could.” I grin, wiggling my eyebrows.

  At this point, Effie looks like she is about to explode. She turns to Rhet. “I will be back tomorrow,” she snarls, and he just nods as she turns to me and points down the corridor. “Go, now!” she orders.

  Holding my hands up in surrender and laughing to myself, I head down the corridor, hearing her following while muttering to herself again. I’m sure I hear the words, mates, harem, and stupid, before I start laughing again. It seems Effie had an interesting morning as well. We walk outside and around the building before Effie drops to the ground and starts banging the back of her head against the building.

  “Babe?” I call, but she ignores me.

  Laughing, I place my hand behind her head to stop her, and she looks over at me. “Want to talk about it?” I ask.

  She shakes her head, running her hand down her face before pushing her hair back. “Nope, not yet. Please distract me,” she begs.

  Hmm, something to distract her…

  Sitting down beside her, I stretch my legs out and watch the sky. “I had sex with Barrott,” I tell her, and her hair whips me as she turns to stare at me. “I also spoke to Wrenil about how best to court you.”

  She sputters and I carry on, my mood darkening. “I also had a bonding experience with the jinum. he showed me his special place and told me some human rebels are in our camp.”

  I turn to her to see her mouth hanging open, so I press my finger to her chin and shut it for her. I can see her mind whirling before she mutters, “Fuck.”

  Shaking her head, she continues, “Okay, okay. One thing at a bloody time. Jesus, Indy, are you trying to kill me off?” she queries, not letting me answer as she adds, “Okay, you had sex with Barrott?” I grin and she squeals, clapping her hands. “Yes! It is about time!”

  “He told me he loves me,” I offer and she squeals again.

  “Oh my God, I knew it!” She sighs then, grabbing her chest. “It’s so romantic—wait, you didn’t run away, did you?” She narrows her eyes on me.

  “What, no!” I growl.

  “Just checking. Let’s face it, Indy, you have some commitment and emotional issues. So you are all loved up now.” She grins, wiggling her eyebrows. “Was he good? Better or worse than dickhead?”

  I groan, leaning my head fall back. “Mating stick,” I remind her.

  “Touché, okay. Next thing, you saw the jinum’s what?” she yells, and I look around before grinning at her.

  “Not like that. He took me to the place where he escapes to when the pressure of leading becomes too much. Effie, it was beautiful. They carved their stories into the wood and they want us to add ours. He was…he helped me.” I look at her and blow out a breath. “He’s trying to stop me from putting the weight of the world on my shoulders, and maybe, just maybe, he’s also convincing me to forgive myself for not being able to save my parents,” I whisper and her face flashes in fury. Before I know it, she is in front of me with her finger pointed at my chest.

  “You listen to me now, Indy Stewart, and you listen good. You are not to blame for their deaths and there was nothing—I mean nothing—you could have done to save them. What happened was tragic and fucking horrible, but you are not the cause. You keep blaming yourself and we will have a problem, you hear? I’m glad you are finally talking about it, but so help me, Indy—if you keep blaming yourself, I will cuff you to Wrenil for a day,” she finishes, her voice getting louder and louder until she is shouting, poking me with her finger. I watch her in open-mouthed shock and she settles down, her face softening. “I love you, Inds. You’re my sister and I watched you destroying yourself, blaming yourself, and you wouldn’t let me in to help. I’m glad the jinum could help you. We are all here to help you. You just have to let us, we all love you, Indy,” she concludes with tears in her eyes.

  I nod as tears fill mine as well. “He said the same,” I croak, forcing my eyes to hers. If she can experience my pain with me, let her. “I-I blamed myself, I still do. I don’t think that’s just going to go away, but I will try. For you, I will try.” I nod and she flings her arms around me.

  I hug her back, letting her comfort me as I bury my face in her shoulder. “I’m sorry, Indy, I didn’t mean to shout. I just—ugh, you are my sister. Name or blood doesn’t matter, you are my sister and I love you.” She sniffs hard and that, of course, is how Barrott finds us, both crying.

  We look up as he stops above us, both red faced and sniffling. His face flashes with pure panic as he swivels his gaze from me to Effie and back again. “Baby?” he asks and I sniff, trying to stop crying since I know he hates it. “Who do I need to kill?” he growls.

  Effie and I look at each other and start laughing. “Indy! Who do I need to kill?” he shouts, his voice high and panicked.

  I let go of Effie and turn to him, grabbing his hand and pulling him down so I can lean against his chest, letting the soothing beat of his heart comfort me. “No one, we were just having a heart to heart.”

  “Oh, erm.” He looks baffled and scared at the same time, and my heart melts, causing more tears to fall like I have opened a dam.

  He looks to Effie for help but she laughs. Grunting, he turns back to me and cups my face in his big hands. “Baby, please stop fucking crying. It kills me when you do, please?” he begs, sounding pained.

  “Sorry,” I apologize then hiccup, a smile curling my lips. He is so pale right now, like he might pass out just because I am crying.

  “I love you, baby,” he whispers, swiping some tears away before kissing them.

  “And that’s my cue to leave,” Effie says, scrambling to her feet, but I reach out blindly and grab her hand.

  “I love you too, big guy, but while you are both here, we have something we need to talk about,” I murmur.

  He drops a kiss on my lips before weaving our fingers and sitting back. I tug Effie down again, leaning in close, and start whispering so we are not be overheard.

  “The jinum told me that when some of his people were out hunting, they found a huddle of humans...Barrott, it was the rebellion, they are still here, in camp, and I think they are planning something.”

  Barrott surges to his feet, pacing back and forth, his hands clenching in fists, and I look over at Effie to see she has gone pale.

  “Did they say who?” she inquires.

  I shake my head. “No, but apparently they were not friendly, chased the aliens off from what I can gather. We need to be sly about this, see who we can trust and catch them before it’s too late and they start a war...or worse, destroy this planet like they did the Dawnbreaker.”

  My words are like an explosion. Both of them start talking at once before I hold my hand up. Barrott finally sits but only stills when I drop my hand on his thigh. “Who do we trust?” I ask.

  “Riley,” Barrott answers straightaway. If not for mine and Riley’s talk, and then me and Barrott finally confessing our feelings, I might have been insecure about that, but now I’m just relieved.

  “Adam and Jim. They are in camp and I know them from the clinic,” Effie adds.

  I nod, grinding my teeth. “Eldon and Auden.”

  Barrott nods but then looks at me quickly. “Cain?”

  I freeze, but that hesitation is enough. “Inds,” he growls, his voice conveying so much—how does he do that? Is there like a lesson or a way he learned…and I’m rambling.

  “I don’t know.” It guts me to say that. “I really don’t, he—I know he’s hiding something, and he knew about Ayama dying and his dad is a prick, and I don’t know,” I confess, deflated.

  “I trust your judgement, you know that, but I don’t think he would ever do something that would harm you,” Barrott grudgingly admits.

  “He’s right, Cain has been in love with you for over a year, babe. I don’t think he would.”

  “But are you sure?” I question, knowing I’m drawing a line here.

  Neither say anything and that only reinforces my doubt. “Okay, may
be he’s trustworthy. I will find out for sure. Barrott, work with Riley and tell her whatever you want to, we need to keep our eyes on camp and the comings and goings. Effie, work with Adam and Jim, find out if they know anything, and then work your way through camp. People trust you, you might overhear something,” I point out.

  I look up and they are both grinning at me. “What?” I slump, crossing my arms.

  “You have grown up so much, Inds,” Barrott says softly. “You are a fucking amazing woman.”

  “What he said, without the F word. I knew you would always do amazing things, babe, but watching you just then…you reminded me of your mother.”

  I look at her sharply and she smiles softly. “She was a force to be reckoned with, but you are going to be so much more. You are going to be someone people follow, a storm, a leader. Let’s show this rebellion that you don’t mess with us.”

  I grin, I can’t help it. “Fuck yeah, Indy, her harem, and her bestie to the rescue,” I joke and Barrott groans.

  “No,” he orders.

  “Indy and her merry men?” I try again.

  “Indy and her boy toys?” Effie adds.

  “Indy’s team?” I offer.

  “Indy,” he growls, warning me.

  “I got it! Indy’s cult!” Effie laughs.

  I giggle as Barrott leans in to me, warning me with his eyes. Holding my hand up, I try to stifle my laughter. “Wait, wait, okay,” I say quickly, still laughing. He stops, thinking I am done. “Seriously, we should name ourselves Indy’s army!” I joke and he growls again, so I dart to my feet, running away.

  “Indy’s Merry Men to the rescue!” I shout as I go. Effie is laughing hard behind me as I hear him stomping after me.

  SURVIVOR LOG 0006

  Date: Unknown

  Mission: 43, Colony

  Ship: Dawnbreaker

  Location: Unknown Planet.

  I can’t seem to stop looking around, assessing everyone, with the jinum’s words ringing in my head. Eldon and Auden know there is something wrong, but I need to wait until there aren’t as many eyes and ears before I talk to them. I found Cain still asleep, his eyes red, but he finally looks peaceful. As hard as my doubts are right now, I find myself kissing him and leaving him to rest, even though I wanted to demand answers then and there.

  Effie jumps right in, in ruse of medically checking everyone, making her rounds. I can’t help but feel grateful. I also see Riley and Barrott head into the finished metal building, which has been painted with ‘Command Centre’ on the side.

  Watching everyone now, it’s hard to think people here are betraying us, that they are responsible for our crash. They all seem so determined to save us and make a life here while we can, but I guess I would have to be naive to think everyone is good. I need to figure out where their spies are and fast. I can almost feel the impending doom on the horizon and no doubt they are at the centre.

  Find Howard.

  Stop rebellion.

  Confront Cain and get the truth.

  My goals, but what about after…

  - Indy, signing off.

  Ground Day Six

  I leave Barrott to the logistics of protecting the camp, as well as watching the camp, while I grab Auden and Eldon when they come back and ask them to take a walk with me. They agree instantly, even though I can tell they are tired—I know the feeling. Today’s emotions and revelations, not to mention Barrott and me, has worn me down and all I want to do is sleep. We head into the trees, finding our clearing again, and before I can protest—not that I would—Eldon pulls me into his lap. He leans back against a tree with me between his legs. Auden lies down instantly and puts his head in my lap, and my fingers wind through his hair, playing with the silky locks while Eldon holds me.

  “What’s wrong, Good Looking?” Eldon rumbles, his voice close to my ear as he drops a kiss on my shoulder, making me shiver.

  “The rebellion is within camp,” I blurt out, and I feel them both freeze before their eyes lock on me. “The jinum saw them meeting, they are planning something. Barrott is keeping eyes on camp, Effie is asking around, and I am going to try and get through to Cain and work with the aliens,”

  “And us?” Auden asks, staring at me upside down, and it staggers me how beautiful he is, to the point that I just sit blinking down at him as a smile curls his lips, showing me his dimples.

  “Good Looking?” Eldon prompts, obviously confused.

  Shaking my head, I lean farther back into his embrace. “Help Barrott and see what you can find out. We still need to look for survivors, but we have to make sure they aren’t planning something else.”

  “Okay,” Auden agrees instantly, their trust in me astounding and it chokes me up. I don’t regret my decision with Barrott, but I have to admit I’m terrified that when they find out they will turn away, that they won’t want me anymore. We had all been dancing around this for a while and now it seems I have a choice—do I not tell them? Give them a pretty lie or a painful truth, and hope that they still choose me after? Because as much as I love Barrott…I love them too. My heart is being pulled in all directions and my stomach twists.

  “Good Looking?” Auden murmurs, sitting up and turning to face me with a frown, obviously sensing my mood.

  “I—” Blowing out a breath, my eyes meet his. Whatever I do, whether I like it or not, I have to know his reaction. “I slept with Barrott.”

  He flinches and pain flashes through his eyes, and it guts me knowing I put that there. Eldon is frozen behind me, like steel, and his embrace is no longer comforting. I try to wiggle away to see his face, but his arms lock around me.

  “Are you done with us then?” he snaps, his voice cold, and it’s my turn to flinch before my mouth drops open.

  Auden still looks like a kicked puppy, his eyes dropping to the floor, unwilling to meet mine. “No,” I reply instantly.

  “So, what, you are going to sleep with the stalker and we have to just sit and watch as your cuddle buddies?” Eldon spits, his voice filled with venom…his father’s anger. I make a noise and try to get free again, but he clamps down harder, his tone going soft and hard by my ear. “Just play with us, make us love you, and then toss us aside when you’re through?”

  Auden looks up then and my heart nearly shatters. I spot the tears glistening on his cheeks as he watches me with his heart in his eyes. “So, that’s it, you don’t want us anymore?”

  “Well, Indy?” Eldon mocks. The fact he called me Indy pisses me off more than anything.

  Auden turns away from me and it sends a splinter through my heart, and I dart my hand out, grabbing his and squeezing, trying to get him to look at me but he refuses. “No, are you going to let me talk?” I demand, knowing I can’t get angry or Eldon and I will just clash and explode. They are hurt, and when they hurt Eldon’s anger comes out. I know that, it’s his greatest fear that he will push me away or hurt me when he is like this. I just need to make sure he doesn’t.

  I squeeze Auden’s hand again before wiggling in Eldon’s grasp until I swing around and straddle his lap. His hands come to my hips instantly, without him even thinking about it, but his eyes are cold and his face harsh. He watches me like I’m a stranger. “I never said that. I slept with him yes, I love him.” Eldon flinches, and pain shows through his anger before he goes to throw me off, and no doubt stalk away, so I wrap myself around him harder, pinning him there with my hand still locked in Auden’s to keep him here as well. “You are going to listen to me, Eldon Basford,” I growl and his eyes narrow on me.

  “I love you, I love you too. I love you also, Auden. I love you all. I don’t know how or why, but I am done fighting it. So yes, I took that step with him, but that in no way means I am done with you. You told me once you would share, you would have me however you could get me, and I am putting myself out here hoping that is still true, because I can’t lose you, either of you. You are scared I am going to toss you away like your father and your mother, but nothing could be further from th
e truth. If you walked away, you would break my heart. I let you in, both of you, further than most people ever get. You saw all my broken edges and instead of trying to fix me, you held me with yours, our pieces slotting together like they were always meant to be that way. We are all so broken and messed up from our parents, with none of us knowing how to really love, but I am willing to try. I will make myself vulnerable if it means you stay here, right now. Give me—us—a chance. It’s a lot to ask, I don’t know if it will work in the long run, but all I care about is that I love you both and I can’t lose you.”

  I heave in a breath, my heart in my words as I beg them not to break me or leave me. I am frozen in fear, held between them as they think through my words. What I am asking for is a lot, it’s not normal, but I never have been exactly normal.

  “You want Barrott?” Eldon inquires, his voice warming marginally.

  “Yes,” I whisper.

  “You want me?” Auden asks softly, close to my back, the heat of his chest pressing against me.

  “Yes.”

  “You want me too?” Eldon queries finally, watching my every reaction, so I let him see it all.

  “Yes.”

  “You want us to share you, is that right?” he demands, his hands tightening on my hips. I can’t make out any insinuating inflection in his words, he is simply asking.

  “Yes, I know, I’m asking a lot and—”

  He cuts me off with a kiss, leaning forward and pressing his lips to mine. I cry out, so scared he was going to walk away and reject me, and I show him that. My hand tangles in his hair, pulling him to me as we clash teeth and tongues, both showing each other with our mouths how much we care and how scared we were. He lets me feel his anger as he nips at my lips before sucking my tongue and I gentle the kiss, trying to show him how much I will always be there, even when he is harsh and cold. A soft kiss drops on my shoulder, making me gasp, but Eldon keeps kissing me while Auden kisses up my neck before, in sync, they both pull away, leaving me panting and needy between them.