Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

“I never listened, I never opened up or fully let you in, but I wanted you to know every time you came back, every time you tried, it mattered. I wasn’t ready to talk, maybe I never will be, but you never let me be alone. You showed me what family was again, you treated me like your daughter and I love you for that. You are an amazing man, Howard. You’re stubborn as hell and a fighter, and I need you to fight now, because I never told you this but I need you. I need those hugs that feel like they will make everything better. I need you to boss me around and shout to everyone how proud of me you are, even when I turn away in embarrassment. I need your advice, I need your support. I gobbled up your affection without an ounce of remorse, I was so starved for it.” I’m babbling at this point, but I need him to know how much he means to me, even when I never told him or appreciated him. “You raised an amazing daughter, and I am so lucky to have you two, but you’re wrong. I’m not that strong, so you wake the hell up and give me that look that tells me you know exactly what chaos I’m going to cause. You wake up and I promise—” I sniff back tears. “I promise you, I will try harder, and I won’t turn away anymore. I won’t push you away. I’ll lean on you like you always offered, just please, fuck, don’t leave us.”

  I hear Effie stirring, so I quickly wipe my face, not meeting Wrenil’s eyes until a hand lands on my shoulder, making me jump. I look up and spot Cain. He smiles grimly down at me. “Hey, speed demon. Want some company?” he whispers, mindful of the sleeping girl.

  “Yes,” I whisper back.

  He grabs me and lifts, plopping me back down in his lap once he is sitting in the chair, and I curl into his chest, gripping his shirt in my fingers and twisting. It’s not fair, not after what he just lost, but I can’t help but drag him closer, for once just letting my emotions guide me. We don’t speak, there is no teasing or banter, which is unusual for Cain and me, he just holds me as we keep vigil over Howard, his hand stroking my back and my fingers in his shirt, both of us knowing the pain of loss, both of us seeking comfort in each other.

  “Get some sleep, speed demon. I will keep watch and wake you if anything changes,” he offers, kissing my forehead.

  Despite telling Barrott today I don’t trust him, I trust him in this. He might be hiding something, but when it comes to protecting me, I trust him completely, so my eyes close as I breathe in the scent of Cain, wrapping it around my fragile heart as I send up one last prayer.

  Please don’t let them hurt me.

  I don’t know whether I mean Cain or Howard or both, but before I can process, I fall asleep.

  Ground Day Seven

  “He seems to be improving.” The soft voice has me sitting bolt upright, my eyes springing open and locking onto Rhet and Effie, who are observing Howard. There is a silver chip on his arm and they are looking at a tablet in their hands, murmuring about vital signs and blood, so I glance back to see Cain smiling at me softly.

  “Morning, speed demon. You didn’t miss much, he has been asleep all night,” he whispers, keeping the conversation just between us.

  “Morning,” I mumble, a yawn splitting my lips.

  His grin ratchets up a notch and it nearly floors me. It feels like I haven’t seen that since our kiss under the stars when we first crashed, and it’s crazy how much I missed it—what I wouldn’t do to keep it on his face. It slowly drops away as he looks at me. “You okay?” he asks worriedly, his hands coming to my shoulders and pulling me closer.

  “Yeah, you should smile more,” I blurt.

  He laughs softly, shaking his body and mine. “Knew you couldn’t resist me, speed demon.” He winks, his cocky upper back in action, but all it does is make me smile before I remember why I shouldn’t trust him, why I should drag him outside and demand answers, but I can’t. I need him and I don’t want to fight, so instead I kiss him softly, a silent plea to open up and tell me the truth. A promise that he can trust me. He either doesn’t understand or chooses to ignore me, because when I draw back, he closes his eyes and kisses my forehead, lingering there. I swear I catch him whispering against my skin, but I don’t get to question it as the door opens and Auden and Eldon step in, obviously to switch out with Cain.

  “See you later, speed demon.” He kisses me again and lifts me off his lap before escaping. I watch him go with a frown. Eldon and Auden part for him before turning back to me. They step into the room at the same time and hurry to my side, framing me as I turn back to Effie, just as she looks up with a weak smile, but she seems more put together today and I know how much that is costing her.

  “How is he?” I inquire, standing up, but she comes around the bed to face me, only glancing at Howard with a worried look before she turns her full attention to me.

  “He has improved slightly. His temperature is normal again and the antidote seems to be stopping the spread of the poison, but I’m unsure how much damage it has already caused. There is not much we can do but help his body heal it.” She sighs, scrubbing at her face.

  “What does that mean?” I ask dumbly.

  “All we can do is wait for him to wake up and keep an eye on his vital signs,” she replies, obviously unhappy with that. She glances around before lowering her voice. “I can’t leave him, but you need to go back to camp, Indy.”

  I frown, ready to tell her no, but she covers my mouth. “They need you. What if the rebels attack or plot something while you are here? If you are here then so are your men, and you are leaving us vulnerable to attack. I’m not saying don’t check on us, and I will contact you instantly if something happens, but please, I know you are worried about the rebels,” she finishes.

  “Give me an hour, then I will, but you need to contact me immediately!” I demand and she nods.

  “Okay,” I whisper, turning back to Howard.

  Sitting back, my mind turns back to Cain…why did he say that? Why run from me? Something has to give in our relationship, and though I need to cut him slack and be there for him, I am scared because I swear I heard him whisper, forgive me.

  I kiss Howard goodbye and demand that he wake up before I leave, knowing Effie is right. I am useless here. At least back at camp, I can start trying to get to the bottom of the rebels, so with Auden and Eldon on either side, we leave the building and I blink, blinded by the sun for a second. I stumble into something—no, someone—and grunt before my eyes focus enough for me to groan.

  Chrissy is standing in front of me and I expect a snappy, bitchy comment, but she steps back with a strained smile. Her hair is dirty and uncombed, her shirt torn with bloodstains, and her face is covered in dry patches of mud...she’s so messy and unkempt, it’s not like her. “Sorry, I, erm, just wanted to check on Howard.”

  “Why?” I cross my arms over my chest, and Auden and Eldon fan out and block the building.

  She swallows hard, looking at me before sighing, and answering, “You might not believe me, but I was worried about him.”

  “You’re right, I don’t believe you,” I spit.

  She nods, rolling her lips before staring me dead in the eye, with none of her usual attitude there. “He saved my life.”

  My arms drop, but I am still defensive. “He’s good like that.” I nod.

  “So, I just wanted to make sure he was okay,” she finishes, looking behind me.

  “He’s still unconscious, but they are monitoring him. It’s strange for you to care about anyone else,” I mock, raising my eyebrow. Admittedly, I am being cruel, but I am emotionally exhausted and worried for Howard, not to mention the rebellion and Cain.

  She flinches like I hit her, and I start to feel bad for a second before I remember everything she has done to Effie and me. “I deserve that. I’ll just head back. Sorry.” She turns on her heels and walks quickly away.

  What the hell is going on? Chrissy almost being nice and worrying about something beyond herself? Nope, I don’t have enough time or energy to think it through. I head straight back to the camp and find myself looking around. I am beyond tired, but I have things to do and right now
I can’t trust any of these people. I watch them laugh while they work, talking and enjoying the sun, and I simply stand here, suspicious of everyone. If this is leadership, no wonder it twists people up inside.

  “Inds,” Barrott calls, snapping me out of my staring.

  He is standing outside of the command centre, waving me over. Sighing, I head his way, moving through the camp. I get friendly greetings and even as I return them, I feel like my smile is about to crack. Everyone asks after Howard and they seem worried. It hurts, because surely people capable of the rebellion shouldn’t have empathy, right? When I reach Barrott, he pulls me straight into his arms.

  “How is he?” he inquires into my hair, kissing my head. I snuggle into his chest, allowing myself a moment to soak up his strength and comfort.

  “Asleep. It’s all up to him now.” I choke on the last word and bury my head further into his chest, letting the steady, strong beat of his heart calm mine until I feel stable enough to pull away and look at him. “I can’t think about it right now,” I admit.

  He nods, understanding straight away, and he strokes my cheek before leaning down and kissing me softly. “Come on, let me show you something, baby.” He grabs my hand and weaves our fingers together, making me smile. He doesn’t seem to be able to go a moment without touching me if I’m close. He doesn’t care about the looks or whispers, just me. It sends a burst of love through my chest.

  “I love you, big guy,” I say softly, as he starts pulling me into the command centre. He yanks me inside with a growl, and I gasp as he pushes me into the wall, lifting me off my feet.

  His lips smash into mine, aching in the best way, as he kisses me hard. His tongue fights with mine as he grabs me under my ass and pulls me higher. Groaning into his mouth, I tunnel my hands into his hair and yank him closer, wrapping my legs around his hips and arching into him. He grunts, pushing closer and pressing his hard length against my core, making me gasp as he devours my mouth. The kiss is desperate, and all my pent-up emotions come out as I lose myself in him, letting him taste them and using him to get them all out.

  He pulls back, breathing heavily, as I suck in breaths, my lips stinging and my core pulsing. “Give me everything,” he growls, before yanking me back to him.

  It’s not pretty or sexy. It’s dirty and raw as I use him, and he takes it, not holding back. His hands on my ass are hard and holding me to him like he will never let me go. His whole body is firm and demanding, pressing against my softness, making me lean into him, on him, trusting him.

  I yank on his head until there is no room between us and we are kissing desperately, with me moving against him as he keeps me pinned to the wall. A throat clearing has me pulling away, and I turn toward the noise, feeling dazed and a bit wobbly. Spaceballs, that man can kiss. Would it be bad to kick everyone out so we can continue what we started? I am seriously debating it. In fact, Barrott doesn’t seem to be in a rush. He holds me there and just glares over at the door, where Riley and a man are standing. I should be embarrassed, but I can’t find it in myself. Maybe it’s the tiredness or the worry, but I simply kiss Barrott again before making him drop me to my feet. Once there, I straighten my clothes, and raise my eyebrow at the two that interrupted us.

  “May we help you?” I ask, completely straight faced, even as laughter wants to bubble up from my throat.

  “No, please, don’t let us interrupt you.” The man smirks, and Riley rolls her eyes and hits him in the chest. He grunts, stepping away and rubbing it. “Riles, it was just getting interesting!” he whines.

  “One more word and I will hang you from a tree by your balls,” Barrott threatens, his voice gravelly as he wraps his arms around me and pulls my back against his chest. I can still feel him hot and hard against my back, and it makes me shiver, even as I laugh. He really does threaten a lot of people

  I look at Riley and we share a smile. “Men,” I offer.

  She nods. “Right?”

  I can feel Barrott and the newcomer looking between us in confusion. “I would have gone with something a bit more inventive, maybe cheese grating his dick? Hog tie him and shove a branch up his ass?” I grin.

  She laughs, leaning against the doorframe. “Hmm, I would have gone with burning off his dick and roasting it for your pet cat while he watches.”

  “Nice.” I nod and I reach my hand out, she fist bumps it before I turn back to the command centre, really looking around now that I am not being held against a wall.

  “You two scare me,” the other man grumbles. I grin over at him, taking him in for the first time. He must be someone Barrott and Riley recruited, because I don’t recognize him from the guards.

  He is tall, really tall, and skinny. He has muscles but not as many as Barrott. His hair is fuzzy and brown, a mess on top of his head, but oddly it works for him. His eyes are a dark brown that seem to shine with laughter and he has huge, plump lips kicked up in a smile. I look over at Riley to see her rolling her eyes at him.

  “You should be. Don’t you know women run this world?” She jumps at him and he laughs.

  “It’s true, we are the superior sex.” I wink.

  Barrott steps in front of me, his arms crossed, and glares down at me. “No.”

  “No, what?” I ask, confused.

  He points at my eye and grunts.

  “Erm, do I have an eyelash?”

  He narrows his eyes, and I look around him at the others who are watching us, almost laughing. “Anyone want to tap in? I haven’t got a clue.”

  Riley backs away with her hands up. “No thanks, he’s all yours. I don’t understand his crazy.”

  “Hell no, he’s a fucking scary bastard,” the other man says with a smile still on his face, and I sigh and look back at Barrott.

  “I am going to need more words, or we can play charades?” I offer.

  “Indy,” he growls, his tone conveying so much like normal.

  I throw my hands in the air. “What? Did I grow a penis?” I almost yell.

  He snorts and steps closer, his crossed arms meeting my chest as he leans down to whisper, “No winking at other men, or I will have to cut their eyeballs out.”

  “Oh, just their eyeballs? What if I wink at women?” I question, arching my eyebrow. Most people would probably be intimidated, but Barrott has never scared me.

  He seems to think about it and I butt in. “Because I tell you, there are some women who are just down right fucking stunning, and if I was ever to experiment, it would be with them, you know? So can I wink at women? What about a young boy or old men, what about aliens? I feel like this needs more defined rules, otherwise I am going to go around winking and getting in trouble.” I shrug.

  “Indy,” he says again, exasperated, but I see his lips twitching.

  “Yes, big guy?” I smile innocently.

  “Eyes on me and we won’t have a problem.” He steps away then and I stick my tongue out at him before looking at the others. They are both grinning, so I flip them off, ignoring everyone as I look around again.

  It’s a square room with streams of light coming in through holes between the metal sheeting they used to construct it. A door stands propped against the wall, waiting to be pushed into position in front of the hole they left. One side of the roof is flat and the other is slanted, but high enough so that no one will hit their head. In the middle is a table from a unit, with chairs and a computer, and a unit that the aliens gave us to communicate. Effie also snagged me a press-on comms unit, which I haven’t tried out yet—I really should.

  There is a crudely drawn map spread across the table, depicting where we have explored so far and split into sectors. I wonder if Wrenil helped with some areas, because I know on some of them, we haven’t been that far yet. There are also some drawings and notes in the corner, so I step closer to look. It’s plants and food, explaining what to avoid and what is okay to eat. There is also a drawing of Ker and some other animals with handwritten notes. I look up at them in amazement. They have been really b
usy.

  “Who did all this?” I ask in shock.

  Riley points at Barrott and I look over at him with my eyebrow raised. He shrugs, shifting uncomfortably, and I grin. “You are amazing, you know that?”

  He grunts, stepping closer and looking over the map, ignoring my compliment. “How did you get all of this?” I press, refusing to drop it.

  “I asked around and some of it is from memory. I also planned ahead, and told the people who went on searches to keep notes and add markers. Once they got back, we did a report and added it to the map. The information on food and animals is what we have seen or heard about from the aliens.” He shrugs, like it was nothing. He has been planning and working in the background to make sure we have as much information as possible.

  I look at Riley and she smiles sadly. Stepping closer to Barrott, I lay my hand on his shoulder until he looks at me, his eyes dark and guarded. “Barrott, this is amazing and exactly what we needed. We couldn’t have survived this without you,” I say softly, and I mean it, this man is a machine. In the face of danger and the unknown, he just keeps going, never questioning it or stopping until he knows he can protect his people. He went out of his way to do this, without telling anyone or seeking praise, he did it simply because we need it. No other reason. I don’t really do public displays of affection and neither does Barrott, but I let Riley and the other guy drop away, knowing he needs to hear this.

  “Every time I think I couldn’t love you more, you do something like this. Every step of the way.” I shake my head, a smile curling my lips, one only for him, the man who stole my heart with his clipped words and muscles. “You are amazing, Barrott.” I lean forward and brush a kiss over his cheek, and for the first time ever I watch him become speechless. He stares at me, his face slack and shocked, his mouth slightly open as he swallows hard.

  I am betting he never heard that and it breaks my heart. I plan on telling him every day if I have to, to make sure he knows that. He worked his way up through the guards for me, to protect me. He never complained or moaned, just did it. Now, he is doing the same sort of thing here, and I never even thought to reward him or just show him that I see him and everything he does. That will change.