Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “I knew you would reconsider, my boy.” He laughs.

  Cain’s hands balls into fists before he forces himself to relax. “I am here, Harron, now let’s go before someone sees us.”

  Harron? Well, he does hate his dad so it makes sense…or does he hate him? Harron nods and they both turn, walking through the trees, with Harron clearly leading. I move after them, making sure to stay low and as quiet as possible. I need to see what they are up to, even though my gut is churning and my heart is so loud I can hear it in my ears. Could Cain really be part of the rebellion…this entire time? If he is, I know I will never be able to forgive him. He caused the death of thousands and put everyone in danger. I want to deny it outright, argue that I know Cain, the real Cain, but this is all getting to be too much. The guilt, begging me not to leave him, him suddenly going cold, and now meeting with his father? Not to mention he knew about Ayama, how did he know? Have I been blind to him this whole time? Have I let him use me, betray me? I cringe at the thought, my heart denying that Cain could hurt us this way, but I have been led wrong before, so maybe it’s time I started relying on my brain, and right now it’s sounding alarm bells and telling me that maybe I never knew Cain to begin with.

  Shaking off my morose thoughts, I head deeper into the jungle with each step pulling me farther away from my family, but it feels like I need to be here. They walk for a while, sweat is dripping from my temples and my legs are aching from crouch walking, but when we get to a clearing I am glad I went to so much trouble to stay hidden. It’s a Saviours meeting—rebels, and Cain is among them.

  It’s like a knife to my heart, twisting around as I let out a gasp before ducking down. Grabbing my chest, I breathe deeply, trying to push it away. He’s a rebel…he betrayed us…me. The man I loved, who held me and danced under the stars with me, who kissed me like there was no tomorrow, has been lying to me all along. Bile burns in the back of my throat at the idea that I could have been with him when he knew people were dying or getting hurt on the ship. Swallowing it down, I force the tears back, and even though the pain in my chest settles to a dull ache, I force myself to watch.

  There are at least six people here, not including Cain and Harron. I watch as Harron steps up and greets everyone, shaking hands and smiling like it’s a fucking book club while Cain hangs back, standing awkwardly at the treeline of the clearing like he isn’t sure whether to stay or go.

  “Thank you, thank you all for coming.” Harron holds his hands up and the group quiets, gathering around him. I analyse their faces, watching each and every one so I can identify them later. I know one or two from around camp, but some of them are still unknown to me.

  “As you know, I wanted to meet tonight to discuss the whereabouts of our plan in concerns to the growing presence of guards and aliens within our camp.” Some start talking loudly and then quiet down again when Harron sighs sadly. “I know, we all feel the same way about that. Not only are we being led by children, one in particular whose own parents were one of the founding members of our organisation…” A noise behind me muffles his words and I strain to hear more. My heart is racing from knowing they are talking about me. I turn around and almost scream at the bright eyes peering at me from my side before I frown. “Ker,” I hiss as he lops over my side, banging his head into my arm. “Shh, boy,” I whisper and turn back to the meeting.

  “— cave to the south,” a man is saying, and Harron nods, looking proud.

  “Good, start the collection, I want us stocked up.”

  Ker starts purring loudly and I groan, looking down at him with narrowed eyes. “Please, baby, shhh,” I whisper.

  The talking cuts off and I duck as they all look into the forest, obviously hearing something. They carry on but quieter than before and I notice a few nervous looks towards the dark trees. My eyes go back to Cain. He looks so out of place, but he is still here. Ker starts to growl loudly, and when a snap of a branch comes from behind me, I whirl, but before I can even cry out I am struck in the side of the head, passed out cold before I even hit the forest floor.

  Groaning, I flutter my lashes, but when light pierces my eyes I slam them shut, my head pounding like a really good hangover. It feels tender and my body is cold and wet. What the hell happened?

  “Take it easy, Rhet, turn the light down, will you?” Effie orders, her voice quiet, but it still rubs on the headache racking through my head, making me feel weak. “Okay, babe, whenever you are ready,” she whispers.

  I blow out a breath, calming my racing heart, and slowly open my eyes. When the light doesn’t make me want to die I blink, trying to clear my fuzzy vision. I reach my hand up to the side of my head, but Effie darts in and grabs me and I frown at her.

  “Don’t touch it, babe. Here, follow this.” She lifts up a light and waves it around, humming as I follow it with my eyes. “Okay, do you remember what happened?” she asks worriedly. I glance around just in time to see the door to smash open and a frantic looking Barrott race in, with Auden and Eldon right behind him.

  They all run over to me, pushing Effie away as Barrott cups my face and turns my head gently to the side, before a growl escapes his lips. He leans down and kisses me softly. “What happened, baby? Who am I killing?”

  “Good Looking?” Auden and Eldon say in unison, and I reach out blindly and take their hands and squeeze, letting them know I am okay.

  “You are crowding my patient,” Effie scolds with a huff, and she pushes them away. Auden and Eldon move back a step, but keep hold of my hands, and Barrott refuses to move. She must see that because she throws her hands up in the air in exasperation.

  “Indy,” he growls and I wince.

  “I’m okay, I don’t remember,” I whisper.

  “She was hit from the side, a branch I think, from the wood splinter I found. She needed a few stitches and was out for thirty minutes or so, she might have a concussion, but other than that she is fine,” Effie explains.

  “How did I get here?” I ask, confused.

  “You don’t remember?” Effie questions, worry lacing her tone.

  “No, should I?”

  She shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. We found you outside the building, someone had dumped you on the steps. Wrenil brought you in and I sorted your head and checked you over, and then you woke up.”

  “She was dumped outside after being knocked out?” Eldon clarifies.

  “Looks like,” Effie agrees, making Barrott growl again.

  “Where were you? I thought you were asleep, but I went to check and you weren’t there then we got a comm from here to let us know you had been hurt,” he demands, and I can see the panic in his face and voice, so I grip him, leaning my head on his chest. He wraps his arms around me and I feel him shake against me. “Fuck, baby, I didn’t even know if you were okay. I have never run so fast in my life, but it felt like a lifetime. Never do that again, please,” he begs, his voice thick and low.

  “There was something else,” Effie adds softly. I pull back from Barrott and look at her, and she hands over a piece of paper.

  “Found this tied to your top.” She grinds her teeth, anger flashing in her eyes.

  I grab the sign, my eyes still blurry and my head pounding as I read the crudely written words. “For your own good. If they had seen you they would kill you. Stop looking, there won’t be a next time.”

  “What the fuck!” Barrott roars, and Eldon and Auden echo him. Wincing at the noise, I hold my head and they all apologize.

  “Indy, I need you to try and think back, can you remember what happened? Why were you out of your tent?” Barrott asks, cupping my face again.

  Closing my eyes, I try to remember, and flashes of pain and trees passing in a blur have me groaning, but I dig deeper. Why was I out of bed? Why was I in the trees and why did someone attack me? Frustration courses through me, but I keep pushing just as I hear the door open again.

  “Speed demon?” comes a panicked voice, and my eyes fly open and connect with Cain’s.
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  He is breathing heavily, his eyes worried and his face panicked, but as I soon as I lock eyes with him I remember everything. My heart breaks all over again and before I know it, I’m up off the bed, pushing past Barrott, and smashing my fist into Cain’s startled face. He yells and falls back, cupping his nose, which is gushing blood as I rain down slaps on him, screaming at him. He doesn’t try to defend himself, just stands there, his eyes filled with tears and his face heartbroken, until someone pulls me off of him and I sag in their arms.

  “How could you?” I whisper, and the room becomes silent, with just us two staring at each other. All our whispered conversations, kisses, and love stretches between us, fraying.

  “I had to,” he replies and it snaps, all of it slamming back into me as a guttural noise leaves my throat.

  “You had to! That’s your fucking excuse? How long? How long have you been with them?” I scream, fighting to get to him again.

  Barrott is trying to talk to me, but I ignore everyone but Cain.

  “Indy— ” He starts, but I cut him off.

  “No, I am sick of your fucking lies. I want the truth. You have been using me all long, getting close to get information. No wonder you have been pulling away the last few days. I thought it was because of your mom, and I told myself to give you time, but how did you know about Ayama? You’ve been with them all along. What was I to you? Just a fucking toy, someone to use and get what you needed? A way into the guards with Barrott, the information those fuckers wanted from me? What, were you going to sweet talk me, fuck me, and then ask nicely?” I scream the last and I feel whoever is holding me stiffen.

  “Indy,” Effie gasps, but I keep going, the vile spilling from my lips.

  “You betrayed us all! All those people who died because of you!” I yell.

  He steps forward then with fury on his face. “Have it all figured out, do you? Not even going to listen to what I have to say?” he shouts back.

  “What, more fucking lies?” I yell.

  Auden steps between us, frowning as he watches Cain. “Maybe we all need to calm down.”

  “Fuck that, I am through with being calm and I am through with you.” I look at Cain and see him flinch. “You always said you weren’t an upper, just like me, but you were wrong. You are exactly like them, you don’t care about anyone but yourself. I hope the rebellion was worth it,” I snarl.

  He staggers back, but I see his walls rising, fighting back like he used to before he let me in. “Well done, speed demon. As usual you see everything, push everyone away without even the benefit of the doubt, just like you always do just because you are too scared to actually feel, to actually trust someone. No matter what, you will just use it as an excuse to push me away, like you always do. Cain the upper, never fucking good enough for you.” With that, he turns and leaves, and I swallow hard, his words cutting through me until it feels like I am being clawed from the inside.

  Pushing his words away, not letting them settle because I can’t, I tell myself I can’t let him hurt me when all along he has been playing me, but my heart is breaking…no, not breaking, shattering into tiny pieces. All my insecurities rise until I pull away from the arms holding me, which turn out to be Barrott’s. His eyes are locked on the door where Cain just was and I find myself stepping back from everyone and wrapping my arms around myself to try and hold it together.

  One breath at a time, Indy, in and out, hold on, I tell myself, locking it all away.

  “He’s part of the rebellion?” Effie asks, shocked.

  “Yes, him and his father. I caught their meeting tonight. You wanted to know who was there, now you know,” I snap.

  Grinding my teeth, I dig my nails into my arms, gouging the skin to try and stop myself from crying. I revert to the old Indy, who held everything inside, who pushed everyone away because at least she never got hurt like this. At least she never loved someone so much it feels like he stole her heart when he left.

  “Baby—” Barrott starts, but I shake my head, and when Auden and Eldon step closer, I step back. I see their faces fall and I know I’m hurting them, but I can’t deal with it right now. It’s better this way, they will only let me down or hurt me, everyone always does.

  “Guys, give us a minute, okay? Barrott go after Cain, find out everything,” Effie orders. Auden and Eldon nod, and with one look at me they leave, their shoulders slumped. Barrott catches my eyes and flinches at what he sees there. Not caring that I stiffen, he steps closer and drops a kiss on my head

  “Don’t let him ruin everything, baby,” he whispers, before leaving as well, until it’s just Effie and me.

  I refuse to look at her, beyond embarrassed and hurt and feeling so fucking lost. Like I am at sea without an anchor, who can I trust? Who’s to say they all won’t leave, that I won’t be alone again? It was too good to be true. I should have known that, but instead I let them blind me to the truth and now I am left devastated, my heart broken in my chest, with me wondering how I am going to put myself back together again this time.

  “Don’t,” I snap desperately, and I look over at her to see her frowning, her eyes hurting for me. “Just don’t,” I beg, I can’t fall apart right now, I can’t. I need to be alone, I need space to piece myself back together, and if she hugs me or starts talking, I am going to start crying and this time I won’t be able to lean on that inner strength that has held me together through the loss of my parents, my first heartbreak, and now this.

  “I need to get out of here,” I state.

  She nods, her face dropping because I won’t let her in. “I’m here, babe. Whatever you need, just tell me, and please be careful, you might have a concussion. Indy, I love yo— ” She starts, but I flee the room, escaping her words that float after me.

  She can’t love me, they can’t, because if they do it means they are all doomed to hurt me just like everyone else.

  Ground Day Eight

  I leave the room, and when Auden and Eldon try to follow me, I hold up my hand to stop them. I have to concentrate harder on walking than I should have to, but it keeps my mind from wandering elsewhere. I don’t even know where I am going until I stop at the platform and get aboard. Maybe the jinum knew I would need it, because as the platform rises I stare down at Auden and Eldon who wait at the bottom, their expressions heartbroken and lost.

  I force myself to look away and concentrate on the approaching tree house. As soon as the platform reaches it, I stumble onto the branch and lay down on the wood, finally letting the tears come as I scream and shout, letting it all pour out of me until my voice is hoarse. I lay back, panting, with sore eyes and a snotty nose. Sucking in deep breaths, I stare at the sky and just let the emotions roll through me. I shouldn’t have reacted like that, I should have listened to him and approached it in an adult fashion, but with the pain in my head and knowing he had been using me mixing together, I just reacted. It was stupid and immature and leaving Effie, Auden, Eldon, and Barrott like that wasn’t fair. They deserve answers, not a teenager throwing a tantrum because she got hurt.

  Spaceballs, I really messed that up. I need to go down and talk to them, but I’m going to give myself a few more minutes to pull it together. I don’t have time to ponder to my stupid feelings. If Cain is part of the rebellion, he might have information we can get from him, not to mention someone attacked me and it must have been someone from the meeting, so they know I saw them. I need to get back to camp and see what’s going on. For all I know, they could have moved up their plans or hurt someone else. Sitting up, I wipe my face and gingerly tie back my hair. I stand up and force myself together, I don’t have time to cry now. I’ve had my breakdown and the rest can wait. I know bottling it all up isn’t healthy, I’ve done that before and ended up pushing my best friend away, and I can’t afford to do it again this time. Otherwise, I might push her away for good.

  The platform is still hovering, so I climb aboard and let it float me back down next to the building. I spot Auden and Eldon still waiting i
n the exact same spot, and before I know it I am leaping from the still airborne platform and into their arms. They catch me and wrap me between them, holding me close and raining kisses down on every inch of skin they can.

  “I’m sorry,” I cry out.

  “Shh, it’s okay, Good Looking,” Eldon soothes, holding me closer.

  “I shouldn’t have shut you out like that, I’m sorry. I’m just so used to doing stuff by myself and this just threw me and I had to be alone for a minute, but I swear I was never pushing you away,” I blabber.

  “We know, take as much time as you need, Good Looking, we will be here waiting when you come back,” Auden whispers, and I just let them hold me before I pull away. They don’t go far, wrapping their arms around me as we head back to the building. It shouldn’t work or be easy to walk, but somehow we fall into sync and I lean on them as we head back to Effie. I owe her an explanation as well and an apology.

  We run right into Chrissy, literally, as she is leaving the main building. She steps back with an apology, smiling at me shyly, but I am beyond emotionally exhausted and my head is still hurting so I just nod and go to step around her, but she stops me before blushing and looking at Eldon and Auden. Turning to the guys, I smile softly. “Go in, I’ll just be a sec, okay?” I kiss them both and they nod, but before they go inside they turn to Chrissy.

  “Don’t hurt her. I don’t care if you are a girl, but if you hurt our girl we will make your life hell,” Auden warns seriously, and my eyebrows raise as they turn and head inside. Spaceballs, what has gotten into them?

  She winces and looks at me, really looks at me, and I see genuine worry cross her expression. “Are you okay?” She nods at my head and I sigh.

  “I will be, nothing I can’t survive.” I cross my arms, waiting for whatever she needs to say,

  “You can survive anything, Indy. It’s one of the things I am insanely jealous of…among a lot of other things.” She sighs, running her hand through her hair nervously. “Look, I don’t know how to say this…I’m not great at sharing or feelings, but I am learning that sometimes you have to or otherwise how do people know? Anyway, I’m sorry, okay? I know nothing can make up for everything I did, but I’m trying.”