Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “Cain?” I ask, holding my breath.

  Her face falls. “I’m sorry Indy, he isn’t here.”

  My heart skips a beat and I swallow quickly, looking away to compose myself for a second. I’ve had enough breakdowns to last me a lifetime, not anymore. He picked, he chose his side, and there is nothing I can do about that. Looking back at Riley, I ignore the sympathy painted across her face.

  I nod. “He made his choice,” I whisper, turning away to check on the state of camp.

  He told me he was always on my team, but it must have been just another lie. At least now it is all out in the open. He loved me, even helped me, but when it came down to it, he was always a rebel. Once a rebel, always a rebel. Controlling my emotions, I check out the fires. They aren’t too bad, they are all out, just smoke and ashes now.

  “Anything else?” I inquire.

  “No,” Riley replies and I nod, looking around at the devastation yet again. “Barrott, fuck off for a moment,” she orders and I turn back to her. She shrugs. “I’m not good at subtlety and some things you just need a girl for.”

  Barrott frowns, looking at me until I agree, and then he wanders away, but not far. He is just out of ear range, but standing where he can still see me. Auden and Eldon are helping get rid of some of the damaged tents, leaving just Riley and me. “How you holding up?” she asks.

  “Fine.” I shrug.

  “Bullshit, I don’t care what you fucking say. That little bastard hurt you. Do you need me to hunt him down and offer his balls as an ornament, or find some alcohol and get us both totally fucked up drunk?”

  I snort a laugh, I can’t help it. “Definitely the second one.” I sigh. “I guess I knew this was coming. We had been lingering around the truth, but I really thought he would choose us, chose me. I was wrong, it happens. Nothing I can do. Yeah, it hurts, but I can’t stop living. At this point, every day I wake up is painful, if it’s not boys then it’s men I trusted, it’s my past or rebels. One day, one day I will wake up with a smile on my face, but until then I just need to keep moving.”

  “Good for you. If that doesn’t work, I have a sharp knife and a keen nose for booze.” She salutes me and I laugh.

  “Thanks, Riles.” She grins then.

  “Riles? I like it. I’ll be honest, I’ve never really had any girls that are friends, but I like you Indy, you take no shit, have a crazy ass mind, and can kick some serious ass. Don’t let them get you down.” With that, she wanders off, shouting at people again. Like I said before, hot as hell but scary, that one. Barrott comes back over then.

  “Baby, you okay?” he asks and I sigh, grabbing his hand.

  “Yeah, I will be, but I might have a few more breakdowns though,” I admit with a shy smile.

  “Break all you want, baby. I will put you back together again,” he says softly, brushing a kiss over my lips.

  “Let’s get to work. With them gone, we can finally make this home. We need to secure everything and rebuild what the fires destroyed, not to mention restock food. I would suggest sending some people to help pick the aliens’ fields so we don’t look like we are just eating—”

  “Inds,” he says, cupping my face and making me look at him. “We got this, all you need to do is be with your family.”

  I open my mouth but he shushes me. “I know Howard hurt you, baby, more than anyone, and I can’t begin to forgive him, but do you really want to end it this way? Howard wasn’t just a friend, baby, he was like a dad to you. You will regret it if the last thing you said to him was in anger and if you never said goodbye, I know. It hurts now and I’m not asking you to forgive him, but I am asking you to be there if you can for him. For you, so that years from now you aren’t living with regret and unspoken things.”

  “Spaceballs, when did you get all wordy and smart?” I mutter, knowing he is right.

  “Guess you are rubbing off on me. Want me to send one of the brothers with you?” he inquires, kissing my forehead.

  “No, you need them and I will be okay. J-Just when you are done will you come and be with me? I need you at my back,” I admit.

  “Always, now go, don’t worry about anything else,” he orders, and I turn and he spanks me, so I shoot him a glare even as a smile edges my lips.

  I know he’s right, so I force myself back to the alien camp and back to the man who broke my heart more than any boy ever could. Because when it’s the end of something, you start thinking about the beginning, and though our beginning was built on lies, I can’t help but think of all the good things that came from it.

  SURVIVOR LOG 0008

  Date: Unknown

  Mission: 43, Colony

  Ship: Dawnbreaker

  Location: Unknown Planet

  I don’t know what to say, a recurring theme recently. Maybe that’s why Barrott sent my journal up with Wrenil after he had delivered some water for our colony.

  I’m going to marry that man one day.

  Wrenil is sitting in the corner of the medical room, as is Rhet, Nidolak, and Jolp, though Jolp somehow brought his desk in here and is continuing to search for the rebels for us. I think it makes him feel useful and he doesn’t know how to help otherwise. It’s obvious he isn’t good at emotions. Every time Effie sniffs or cries, all the aliens look utterly panicked. It would be quite funny if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.

  Jolp is fine, completely healed and back to his normal, charming self. He called me a muffin and told me to stop worrying when I kept apologising. It seems the aliens know the rebels don’t speak for us all, which is good and one less thing to worry about.

  I find myself watching Howard and Effie. I can see the love they have for each other, but a dark little part of me keeps whispering that if it wasn’t for him, I would still have my parents. I am jealous…does that make me a bad person? My parents weren’t the best, but they were still mine and I miss them like crazy. The wound feels fresh, reopened with Howard’s truth. Maybe I had just stuck a plaster on it, never healed it like I should have, and that’s why it feels so fresh. Maybe with this truth I can finally let that hole close and just miss them. Maybe I need that drink Riley offered.

  I should hate Howard, and I think a part of me does, but my own mother said once I was too smart. It means I am analysing everything he said, and I can admit there was no good choice in his situation. This man has paid for his mistake, time and time again, and now he will pay the final price. Can I really let him die with nothing but hate between us? Maybe Barrott was right. I wish Howard wasn’t dying, then I could spend a few years hating him, letting myself heal, but I can’t. It isn’t a choice and life isn’t fair, you have to just live the days you are given.

  My heart hurts, not just for Howard…but Cain. Where do I begin?

  He stole my heart before I even knew I still had one, back on that ship when he didn’t see a broken, lost orphan, but a strong, sure driver. Our races, banter, and flirting lightened my days until all that tension finally snapped. When he let me see under that mask…I felt so lucky. I know it couldn’t all have been lies, and maybe I will never learn the truth now with him gone, but I like to think that I knew him better than his father, better than the rebels. In the end, he helped me, even when he didn’t choose me.

  I wish he had. It’s a thought I won’t let myself think, but I do. I wish he had stayed, I wish he had fought for me, pushed through my anger until I forgave him. I wish I knew why.

  That always seems to be the case for me, wishes and whys. But I have to move on, sometimes you don’t get closure, and I can’t keep hoping and praying on wishes.

  I’m a leader now, people depend on me. They need me. I have three men who love me more than life itself, and I owe it to all of them to be stronger. To be the woman they see when they look at me—heartbreak and all. Maybe that’s why I started this journal, a vessel on my journey to healing, or maybe I just needed something to rant at without looking crazy.

  I wish—no, I don’t wish. Once the storm breaks and the waters wa
sh away… I know tomorrow will be a better day and each after it. It has to be, right?

  - Indy, signing off.

  Ground Day Ten

  People drop by, showing how well loved Howard is. They bring laughs, stories, and food. They nod to me or greet me where I sit, always with one of my men by my side. Effie never leaves here as well, barely even sleeping. Jolp hunts tirelessly for the rebels and redirects some reachers to protect our camp. It makes me feel better about being here, because I know he will see them coming now.

  Howard…Howard is fighting it. He is weakening, the black nearly all the way across his body now, his breathing laboured and he can’t sit up by himself. I know it won’t be long, but he is fighting it, hanging on… I just wish I knew what for. It’s horrible watching him suffer like this, each laboured, pained breath, each cough ending in blood coming from his mouth, each groan as he tries to shift, or the embarrassment when he has to have help to clean himself or go to the toilet. Death isn’t pretty, I knew that, but watching his end days has me breaking all over again.

  Even in the pain there is beauty, and I’m humbled to be here as he passes, to surround his bed as his body is succumbs to the beckoning of death, because the outpouring of love for this man is astonishing. I can feel it filling the room. The way his daughter tends to him so carefully, the way the colony members leave teary-eyed. Yes, there is pain and death, but in it is also love and the feeling that not even this goodbye will be the last. Love this strong can’t just be taken away. It transcends worlds and time and will linger on, even when he doesn’t. It’s what makes me finally move from my chair in the corner and to his bedside again.

  If he can’t forgive himself, maybe I can for him. I’ve had nothing else to think about and Effie was right, grudges just eat you up. The past is the past, my hate won’t change that, and it will only destroy him and me. To be human is to make mistakes. We aren’t perfect creatures, but we are stronger than we think. Gathering all that strength now, I reach out and hold his hand.

  He turns his head, the movement slow, making him wince. “Cupcake?” he whispers.

  His eyes are bloodshot, his hair thinning and falling out, and black veins crawl up his neck and onto his face. He can’t eat anymore and he barely even drinks. The man I once called hero, the man I once looked up to, is fading before my eyes and it feels like I’m only just letting myself feel that.

  “I forgive you.”

  His eyes widen, his breath catching, before it comes out in a cough as pink tinted tears leave his eyes. “You forgive me?”

  I nod, holding his hand tighter. “We aren’t perfect, Howie. You made a choice and you still regret it today, maybe that’s why you took me in, I don’t know, but I know I was lucky to have you. You gave me a family, you gave me a sister and a safe place,” I admit. I can hear Effie sobbing again and I lick my lips. Tears fill my gaze so I have to blink them away to see him through watery eyes. “Despite everything, I still love you and I forgive you,” I whisper brokenly and he sniffs, tears falling harder down his face.

  “Thank you, Indy. I love you always, my second daughter,” he croaks.

  I nod, the tears finally falling as I accept that this is happening. I look at Effie, finding her crying silently, so I reach across and we hold hands over his chest, over his heart. Our little family. We aren’t perfect, but we are all we had and that is enough.

  Like he was waiting for it, waiting for my forgiveness and goodbye, he finally gives in and lets go not an hour later.

  That’s how Howard dies, surrounded by his family and loved ones, and in death I pray he finds the peace he sought in life.

  My hero.

  My second father.

  The man who sets me free from the pain I carry.

  My whispered goodbye floats on the air, following him to the next life.

  The funeral is held that night. All of our colony—minus the rebels—and the aliens turn out. It is packed and beautiful, filled with tears and laughter, just like Howard’s life. I stand side by side with Effie, our hands clasped and our faces raw with emotions. We picked a tree between the two camps so we would see it everyday and he could watch over us. A bridge of peace.

  Its leaves go from pink to orange, and under it we dug a grave. Auden and Eldon carved us a headstone from wood, which they shyly presented to me before the ceremony, and I sobbed in their arms. Now, I watch as he is lowered and covered in dirt. When he is buried, Barrott nods at me and I step forward. I couldn’t speak at my parents funeral, but I owe this to Howard. I am stronger now than I have ever been thanks to him, and he deserves to be remembered. He deserves words that I could never say before and I hope somewhere, wherever they are, my parents know this is for them as well.

  “Howard Jenkins was born on Earth and died here on C-426, or as our new friends have named it...Dreko, which roughly means hope. This planet was their hope for a better life, a new world. It offers us that as well, hope that we can be better people, hope that we can start fresh and do it right this time. Howard was filled with hope, always and forever. He saw the stars, he fought in a rebellion, he raised a wonderful daughter, and worked hard every day of his life. His wounds were sustained being a hero, like he always was, and he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Howard took me in when my parents died, he opened his home and his arms to me. I pushed him away, I held him at arm’s length, but he just kept pushing. Howard, Howie…he became my father. He was an imperfect man in an imperfect world, but at the end of it all, he was a good man and that’s all that matters. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without him.” Turning, I face the grave. “I wouldn’t be me. Howard, I promise I won’t ever stop fighting, I won’t ever forget, and I will never stop loving you. Thank you, thank you for showing me love still exists, even in the dark, and that if we trust and fall we might just find what we were always searching for.”

  Crouching down, I lay the flower I plucked over the freshly turned soil. Stepping back, I let Barrott wrap his arms around me and lead me over to my waiting family. Auden and Eldon grab each hand, holding me and offering comfort as they wipe away my tears. I turn back as Effie steps forward. She looks so alone until I spot Wrenil, Jolp, Rhet, and Nidolak all waiting for her, watching her. No, she’s not alone, not anymore, not ever.

  “I’m not good at words or speeches like my sister. I always preferred to be in her shadow, silently in the background.” I suck in a breath, more tears flowing at her calling me sister. “My dad was an amazing man. He raised me all by himself and never once complained. He wanted a better life for us and he made that happen by getting us on the Dawnbreaker. He made mistakes, who hasn’t, but those mistakes brought me my sister.” She looks at me with a pained smile, tears rolling down her face, her hands clasped in front of her. “And my new family.” She looks over Barrott, Auden, and Eldon. “Even love.” She glances at her aliens then, before looking out at the crowd. “He would hate us being upset like this, but I wanted us to celebrate his death. The way he lived, fast, fun, and filled with love.” She looks at the grave then. “You were so brave, Daddy, and so loved, but your fight is over now, rest and let me step in and finish what you started. I hope I make you proud, Daddy. I love you, now and forever in the stars, I vow,” she finishes, before holding her head up even while she cries as she walks back over. She stumbles halfway and I shoot forward, catching her and wrapping my arms around her.

  “He would be so proud of you, babe,” I whisper as I lead her back over to the front line, holding her tight as she breaks down again, just letting her know I am here like she was for me. “So am I, and I will be here every step of the way, sisters until the end,” I promise.

  My family converges around us, offering comfort and love as they nail in the tombstone. The colony pays their respects before walking back to our camp where we have set up a small feast, with some alcohol Lee found. Celebrate his life, I like that.

  “You want to go?” I whisper.

  “Just a few more minutes,” she cries and I
nod.

  “I’ll stay for the rest of the night if we need to, you and me, Effie. Always you and me,” I vow.

  The sun sets behind the trees, casting light through them and onto his grave as we watch—our family, standing strong as we huddle together and say our final goodbyes. Today is for mourning, tomorrow is for another time. It can’t touch us here, where we stand in the here and the now.

  No past.

  No future.

  Only the present.

  SURVIVOR LOG 0009

  Date: Unknown

  Mission: 43, Colony

  Ship: Dawnbreaker

  Location: Unknown Planet.

  Goodbye Howard, may we meet again in the stars.

  - Indy, signing off.

  Ground Day Eleven

  I don’t remember most of the celebration the night before, I blame Lee for that. He got Effie and me totally drunk. I only remember helping Effie to bed and her being sick in our tent. It was stupid, I shouldn’t have gotten drunk with the threat of the rebels still hanging over us, even if Barrott thinks they have retreated somewhere to lick their wounds. Groaning, I flick open my eyes before shutting them again. At least I’m not hungover, just unbelievably tired. I already have a list of things I need to do today though, so with a sigh I start to get up, but my eyes fly open when arms clamp around me from behind.

  “No,” Eldon states, and I glare into a grinning Auden’s face.

  “What?” I grumble. “Come on, cuties. I have things to do.”

  “Nope, not today. Today you are relaxing. The camp will go on without you for one bloody day. You are not leaving this room, you are resting and relaxing. Barrott’s orders,” Eldon tells me, pulling me back into his chest as he and Auden trap my legs.