Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  My dad ducks down then. “Indy, you don’t let any boys break your heart, beat their ass if you need to. I love you, baby girl. Have all the adventures for me.” It cuts off then, with both of them smiling at me.

  “I love you,” I whisper, my fingers reaching out and tracing their faces on the screen. “Thank you for saving the world for us, I won’t let anyone forget.”

  I sit there for a while, held in Barrott’s arms, just watching my parents’ faces before I turn it over. I flick through the information, barely following some of it. Science was never my strong suit, but I know enough to know she is right. “We need a connection to Ayama,” I murmur.

  “But how?” Barrott asks, and I scream as Jolp pops up next to us with Effie behind him.

  “I might know a way.” He pushes my chair and grabs another, typing on his computer already. Effie rolls her eyes at him but grins at me, and I relax a bit knowing she is okay. “Ever since you told us of your planet, I have been searching. I have managed to access—”

  “Hack,” Effie coughs.

  “TGP satellites and grids to check for unknown vessels in space travel, I managed to find a few, all heading to the same place.”

  A planet pops up on the screen and my mouth drops open. “Ayama,” I whisper, recognising it from the pictures we were shown in our introduction videos.

  “Or GTY89.” Jolp shrugs. “I have been searching for any lines of communication since I found it and I think I might have one. It’s crude but should do the trick. We don’t have long though,” he offers and I nod. Straightening my clothes, I turn to the screen as he presses something. At first nothing happens, and then a woman’s face comes on the line.

  “Hello?” she says in confusion.

  “My name is Indy Stewart, Colony Mission 43, Code Dawnbreaker. I need to speak to Commander Prot at Ayama or Doctor Lisa Giles urgently, we don’t have long.” The woman blinks in shock before scrambling to her feet and screaming as she leaves the screen. Not a minute later, a haggard looking woman in a white jacket sits down.

  “Indy,” she gasps.

  “You know me?” I ask in confusion.

  “I know you mother, you look just like her, is she okay? We lost contact with the Dawnbreaker and feared the worst,” she admits.

  “Dawnbreaker has crashed. We are safe, but our loss was catastrophic. For now we have built shelter on a planet, but that is not why I am calling, and I don’t have long so don’t interrupt, please. My parents are dead but I have information, they found a way to save Ayama. I am to give this only to you or Prot.” I nod.

  “She did it, she really did it?” she queries in shock.

  “She did, and her and my father lost her lives defending it and getting it to you,” I snap.

  She nods. “I’m so sorry for your loss, I will make sure that is noted.”

  “Good. I will send you everything I have and keep a backup here. Make sure you use it well.”

  A man dashes on to screen then, in general green. “Miss Stewart, what is your location and status?”

  “Alive, crash landed. We have sent out distress calls but for now we are lost. Focus on what we gave you, save Ayama!” I finish, just as the connection shorts. I look at Jolp and see him typing rapidly.

  “Stupid humans, their satellites aren’t functioning properly yet. I uploaded all the data though, they have it.” He sits back with a flick of his tail, and I look at Effie and Barrott.

  “We did it, Ayama is saved.”

  “Thanks to your parents.” Effie nods.

  “And Howard,” I add, and she flinches at his name but smiles.

  “To Ayama!” I yell with a laugh, giddy all of a sudden.

  Our future just got a lot brighter—if we ever leave this planet.

  Hope, we have hope again.

  Ground Day Thirteen

  We are all elated after that, and we laugh and joke on the way back to camp, but when I can’t hear anyone as we got closer, that good feeling goes away and I start to panic. When we reach the hill, I frown, spotting everyone in the middle of camp.

  “Indy, wait here,” Barrott orders, drawing his gun as he creeps down the hill.

  “Yeah, fuck that,” I whisper, and follow after him, with Effie on my heels. She said goodbye to her aliens and was coming back to camp, a decision I bet she is regretting right now.

  I follow behind Barrott, and when I spot what is happening I almost scream in frustration. Really? I don’t know how they got past the reachers and guards, so I scan the trees to see the reachers in pieces on the ground, and the guards gagged and tied. Damn, Jolp is going to be pissed they hurt his toys. Barrott breaks off, heading to the nearest guard, but I’m done hiding.

  I’m done running and being scared of them, so I stand up despite Effie’s hissing, and walk into camp like I own it, with my head high and shoulders back. People spot me straight away, their eyes widening. I catch Lee’s gaze and he shakes his head. He is standing over Riley who is bleeding and not moving on the ground. Enough is enough. This rebellion was formed to save people, and so far they have killed more people than Ayama would have. It ends today.

  I move through the crowd to where Harron waits for me in the middle, prattling on with his insane power hungry propaganda, it only stops when he sees me. “Ah, there she is. I got a little bored waiting for you. I hope you don’t mind that I started?”

  “Not at all.” I wave it away, and his rebels stop me before I can get to him. Does he really fear me that much? “What’s the matter, Harron? Scared a teenager is going to best you again?” I taunt, and laughter goes through the camp.

  “You did not best me!” he screams, and my eyebrows rise. Damn, he’s crazy. His nose is busted and he has a black eye, not to mention his hand, which is tied to his chest and bandaged up—that had to hurt like hell.

  “Why don’t we cut to the chase, Harron? All this time, you have been fighting for one thing—truth. You claim you want to tell the people the truth, arguing that they deserve to know, yet you have a platform now and you are what? Doing nothing? All I have seen the rebellion do is destroy, not liberate. So go on, Harron, leader of the Saviours, speak your truth.”

  I don’t look around. I can’t decide whether I want to see Cain here or not, so instead I concentrate on Harron.

  “What truth?” someone yells.

  “Tell us!” someone else shouts.

  “Go on,” I prompt.

  He snarls, stepping closer. “No, they don’t really want it. All this time, the rebels wanted to tell them, but I knew the truth. That’s the thing about humanity, they say they want the truth but they just want the pretty, comfortable lie. They want to ignore what’s right in front of them, they want deniability!” His rebels turn to him with a frown, their doubt in their leader showing. They trusted this man with their cause, fed into his bullshit about freeing us, but he never believed in it.

  “Then I will.” I nod and I catch the looks from the rebels then.

  “Tell them if you want, they won’t believe you because they don’t want to, or they will blame you. Either way, I win.” He laughs.

  Turning away, I give him my back, showing how little I fear this man. “Colony 43, he is right. I have something to tell you, it’s the reason we crashed. It’s the reason the rumours of a rebellion started, and it’s the reason these people are still fighting. A truth, a truth so big it could change everything. I thought speaking it out loud would give it power and it didn’t seem important anymore while we were here, but the rebellion had one thing right. You deserve to know the truth, make your own choice about your life with all the information.”

  I look over the crowd then, meeting the faces of people I had grown up beside, crashed beside, and loved. “Ayama is dying,” I shout.

  No one moves or even seems to breathe for a moment. “Bullshit!”

  “What do you mean?” someone else shouts.

  I doubt myself for a moment as more slurs are hurled at me, but a hand grasps mine, offering their
strength, and I look over to meet Barrott’s eyes. Auden grabs my other hand, with Eldon standing on his other side. Lee, Riley, and Effie all join the line, facing our colony, our people. My family.

  “Listen!” Barrott shouts and people settle down, looking to me.

  “I know this is a shock. I only learned about it a couple of days before we crashed. They tried to recruit me and I turned them down. It turns out Ayama is dying. Our changes, our colonization, is killing the planet at an alarming rate. The scientists knew and my own parents were working on the lifecycle, trying to save it so that when we got there we were not settling down on a grave. Harron tells me you all want the pretty lie, deniability. I don’t offer that, because he is wrong.” I look over at him then. “You’re wrong, I know myself how freeing a truth can be. A hard cutting truth is always better. One spares you pain, but the other sets you free. We fought for freedom, year after year, war after war, and I refuse to let all be in vain. Ayama is dying—was dying,” I correct. “Today, today I spoke to a doctor and a general on Ayama. I gave them the information my mother and father lost their lives to find. The answers. There is a way to save Ayama and now the people there have it.” I turn to Harron then, seeing his shock.

  “Look what you have started. You started a war that was never needed. Lost lives that never needed to be lost. Your own overblown self-worth and need for power cost thousands their lives and their futures. Are you going to stand there and tell me it was worth it, that the truth isn’t needed, that war is for the best? There were ways around this, ways to save our people without loss of lives. Because of you, a boy is growing up without a mother. Because of you, a girl is growing up without her father, and because of you I’m growing up an orphan. You learned nothing from the destruction of our planet, doomed to the same cycle of pain and devastation again and again with men like you in charge. It’s time you let our generation—the one who has suffered, the one who sits in silence, told they don’t understand, that we are too young, too naive—the one who paid the price, take charge. We will build a new world, free from hate, suffering, and lies. We will learn from our mistakes and start a new life, one with a future. But you must stop this and tell them to stop this. Give these people a chance at life. What are you fighting for now? The truth is out, the rebellion has no purpose,” I finish.

  I hear shouts of agreement, the colony backing me up as I turn to face him fully. Some rebels drop their weapons, their faces slack, but some stay by Harron’s side. “I gave them the truth.”

  “You want truth?” he snarls, looking around in disgust. “How about this…I killed your boyfriend.”

  He laughs as my heart shatters and my ears ring. “What?” I ask dumbly.

  “You think I wouldn’t hurt him for betraying me? Blood or no blood, that boy has never been a son to me. Do you know what the best bit was? All the way to the end you believed he was one of us, that he was a rebel, when in fact he was spying…for you. It was so clear to see that boy didn’t give a shit about our cause, he only cared about you!” he screams and I jerk back.

  No.

  “No,” I whisper.

  “Oh yes, little Indy. Saviour, truth bringer, yet you couldn’t even see what was right in front of your eyes. You led him to his death and you will have to live with that.” He laughs before looking over at the colony. “This isn’t over, Ayama is gone, nothing but a pipe dream, and I refuse to listen to this child or have peace with a fucking alien species! We’ll take this planet, with or without you!” With that, he throws me one last look with the rebels’ weapons still trained on us as they back away into the jungle and disappear.

  Cain? Oh God, no, he can’t—he can’t be dead, but I saw that look in his dad’s eyes...he was telling the truth for the first time ever. He killed his son, he killed Cain.

  I don’t even realize I have fallen to my knees until I look down at the ground. “He’s dead,” I whisper, and look up with tears swimming in my eyes. “He’s dead, because of me.”

  Ground Day Fourteen

  I thought I was done being hurt by Cain, I thought I was done with loss. The truth was out, we would be okay now, we had a future. Oh how wrong I was. That man, Harron, took everything from me.

  My parents.

  My home.

  My love.

  It was twisted, weak, and almost broken, but it was mine and now I will never see that cocky smile again, never hear him call me speed demon. Never kiss him under the stars, hold him as he cries. I will never get the future with him that we whispered about under the night sky.

  He’s gone, he’s dead, and I’m numb.

  I let everyone else deal with the colony. I find myself stumbling to our tent, which has been cleaned, and sitting on Cain’s bedspread. Ker comes in and sits with me, mewling softly as he lays his head on my lap. I can’t find the effort to stroke him, to accept his comfort. Gone, how can he be gone?

  Cain was invincible, nothing could touch him, but then experience showed me just how fragile life is. Death is so final, our love was an adrenaline fuelled ride with more pain than happiness, but it was ours and we would have sorted it out with time. Except now we can’t. He is just gone.

  “Babe?” Effie whispers, but I don’t look at her.

  She wraps herself around me and the sobs finally break free, my chest heaving as it cracks open and throws the shattered pieces of my heart everywhere, cutting my insides like daggers with everything we never said.

  “Shh, I’ve got you,” she whispers, holding me close, keeping me together when I can’t. She starts to sing, her voice drowning out my cries while she holds me.

  “He can’t be dead, he can’t!” I yell.

  “I’m so sorry,” she cries.

  I look up at her then. “We were supposed to grow up together, racing speeders on Ayama, having our firsts under the stars. Not like this, it can’t end like this, I need longer, I need him.”

  I bury my face in her neck. I would trade anything. Any worlds, any truths, ships, or rebellion for him. Just to hold him one last time, just to kiss him. To tell him I love him...

  Cain.

  The boy who raced the stars and stole my heart.

  I pass out with his name on my lips and my heart reaching out across this planet, searching for him.

  I sleep on and off for days. I’m finally done, finally broken. My men take turns holding me, talking to me, trying to get me to eat, but it all seems so far away and I can’t force myself to care. What’s the point?

  Days pass, each one worst than the last because it means a day without him. I rerun every conversation, every touch and kiss. My regrets are piling up. Of course he wasn’t a fucking rebel. How stupid could I have been and when he needed me the most I wasn’t there. I left him, believing the worst, even when he was sacrificing his life for me.

  I burrow back down into the pain and numbness, letting it envelop me. My old friend grief keeps me company as I face the rest of my life without him.

  “Babe, get the fuck up right now,” Effie orders, her voice far away. “Now, Indy!” she demands, but I roll over and ignore her. “Indy fucking Stewart, you get the fuck up or I will drag you through this camp!” she yells and I sigh, flopping back and glaring at her.

  “What?” I snap.

  “Good, there’s that fire. I need that, I need you. I found something.” Then she turns and leaves.

  I debate not following her, but if she is forcing me up and out of my wallow tent, then it must be for something important. So as much as I don’t want to, I stumble out, blinded by the light, and follow after her. I keep my eyes on the ground, not wanting to see the pity in people’s eyes, but murmurs have me glancing up. Everyone in the colony has stopped, and when they see me, they place their fist over their hearts and bend their heads, offering their strength and respect. I stumble in their midst, and when we leave the camp I am filled with relief, because as nice as that was it was too much. Too much responsibility, too much pressure. I will only fuck it up again. They should fin
d someone else to lead, someone better, because I’m nothing but a hot mess.

  We head to the alien camp and I stay on Effie’s heels as she winds around people and buildings. Ker pops out of the trees and races to my side, wrapping around my legs as I walk and nearly tripping me. We march into the command centre and I cringe, but find it empty—apart from Jolp.

  “Sit.” Effie points at a chair and I do as I’m told, slumping into it.

  “This better be important,” I snap.

  “Look, I get it, you are feeling sorry for yourself and hurting right now, but you need to see this. You can thank me later.” She turns the chair to the screen and I look at Jolp.

  “I had so much data to go through from when they left your camp. When I started to comb back through it, I saw this. I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner.” He presses play then and I watch the screen half-heartedly until Cain stumbles onto it.

  Leaning forward, my heart in my throat, I watch him. He falls into screen, pushed by a barrel of a gun, with Harron in front of him. He’s in bad shape, really bad. They stop, obviously for a break, and I cry when they turn their attention to him, wishing I could stop the inevitable I know is coming, the one Harron taunted me with.

  His death.

  “I can’t watch him die,” I whisper brokenly.

  “Trust me,” Effie demands.

  His dad approaches him on the screen, dragging my attention back to him, he kicks Cain in the stomach and he doesn’t even try and fight back. “Was it worth it, was she worth it?” he spits.

  “Yes!” Cain laughs. “Indy is worth everything. Do what you want. I don’t care now, she is safe from you.”

  Oh, Cain.

  Harron screams in rage, raining kicks and punches down on him, blood flying as he curls into the forest floor. “Worthless little shit, spying on your fucking father all for some pussy! You are nothing!” he screams, and only when someone else calls Harron’s name does he step back, slicking his hair and straightening his clothes, that mask coming back in place. “Shoot him,” he orders, and I freeze where I am, unable to look away but not wanting to watch. My world narrows to the screen, my eyes locking on Cain’s prone form. He’s so still, so defeated and alone. I should have been there, I should have been with him. I promised.