“Maeri,” she whispered. “You are a beautiful woman. You come from a respectable family and were raised and trained to be accepted among the nobility. Your heart is kind and your free spirit is a trait that only adds to your beauty. You are honest, which is something many women of any position cannot claim, and these traits make you better than all of them, and Feolan would be a fool not to marry you. I would tell him that to his face if I had to, in order to make him see it. On the other hand, I have none of those things. I fall short in more places than you could ever know because I have kept them hidden, and I am sorry but it must remain that way. My path has led me to Kael, and while he may not have been the first choice in my heart, he is soon to be my husband and I love him, and I owe him my loyalty and respect, which requires me to not think on any other feelings I might have thought I felt a long time ago.”
Maeri sighed at Leyna. “If a man loves you – and I mean really loves you – he wouldn’t care about money or position, or the lack thereof. He would want you exactly how you are; and you are a wonderful person, Leyna. Any man who knows you would be able to attest to it. There is something about you that no other woman has. I mean, just think about it. Faustine will brag for the rest of her life on how you were asked to dance by both of our Queen’s sons in the same night, one of which is known to never to do that. He saw something in you, and that should mean something.”
For the first time, Leyna found herself feeling completely exposed. Maeri had a way with words which touched her deeply. It was enough to make her question all of the decisions she’d made in her life. She had been foolish. In her mind it made sense to accept Kael’s proposal that night because she convinced herself he was the best that she could have. And while it remained a nagging truth in the back of her mind, she knew it should not have been something she took so lightly.
She should have talked to someone. But who? Zander would have laughed at her. And with good reason. Kael was a joke to him, but he didn’t know him the way she did. No one knew the things he had done to help her and all the times he stood by her side. She cared about him dearly and yet it had taken only one night back in Thade’s presence for her to fall again to her childish infatuation, causing her to second-guess everything. It wasn’t fair to Kael. And it wasn’t fair to her.
“Maeri, I love Kael,” she sighed. “I know he has made some mistakes, but I have to stand beside him. I have to help him through them. He needs me now, more than ever. Regardless of what anyone says, he is a good man, and he will make me happy. He did before, and I have faith he will do so again. Please try to trust me on that.”
“I hope you are right.” Standing up from the settee, Maeri opened her arms to Leyna. With a smile, Leyna went to her, wrapping her in a warm embrace. She wasn’t entirely convinced, but it didn’t change the fact that her argument was true. If things were going to work out, she would have to put forth the effort.
There was just so much working against her. And Zander’s concerns about Kael’s current loyalty were justified by Kael’s actions, and telling him the truth about her now was out of the question. It would take a great deal of work to get things back to where they had been before everything blew up in her face.
“I really should be getting back,” she whispered. “As much as I would prefer to stay here with you and Feolan to make sure the Consul is getting better, if Kael comes to my room and finds me missing again, I am not sure I will be able to explain my way out of it. He is already suspicious of me.”
“Just be careful, Leyna. I have a really bad feeling about things. About all of this, with the Ven’shal, and the war you spoke of. Something does not feel right.”
“We will know more soon enough. I hope to know by morning when we will be finding out if our meeting with Rohld has been approved. If possible, I will try to send a letter to you here to inform you of what I find out.” Casting one last glance toward the hallway, Leyna bowed her head, moving quickly in the direction of the door. “If anything happens, please try to find a way to contact me. We should be at Zander’s home for a few days. And take care of Feolan. No more panicking if he gets close to you.”
At the sound of Maeri’s soft laughter, Leyna slipped through the door. The color of the sky told her the sun was already well on its way to rising. The others were sure to have been home for hours. It might already be too late to get around Kael’s suspicions again, but she needed to move fast. With a final nod, she accepted her cloak from Maeri’s hands, sliding it over her arms and head to conceal her from view, running off into what was left of the night.
Chapter Sixteen
Leyna was surprised to discover Oksuva’s carriage still missing when she arrived at Zander’s house. Part of her was grateful. It allowed her a safe return through the window of her room, pushing her bed back into position against the wall, without fear of being overheard by the others. It called out to her, the comfort of the warm blankets. Relief from the aching of her back where the doctor had inserted the needle.
She shuddered at the thought. Everything about her evening confused her, not making any sense how so much could have happened in such a short amount of time. Throughout a single night she had endured a heartbreaking reunion with her long lost Reina after coming so close to those responsible for her mother’s death. She had witnessed Kael being too cozy with Oksuva for comfort, while at the same time she had gone against his wishes in returning to the Consul’s home. She was thankful that she’d chosen not to inquire of the doctor about the procedure he had performed on her. Her stomach had been so twisted all night that she might have lost the little bit of wine she’d consumed while at Malic’s.
Sleep came and went, restlessly, bringing no dreams with it through her tossing and turning, waking to every noise that invaded her ears. The window was brightened by a sun well-risen into the sky by the time she caught the sound of the front door opening and closing. Could it be they were only just returning home? Close your eyes, she urged herself. There would be time to ask questions after they had slept off the alcohol.
The house remained quiet with the stillness of its sleeping occupants when she pulled herself out of the bed. Outside the sky had already begun to darken into the deeper shades of blue and grey, bringing the night upon them once again. Leyna sat in the small, confining room, unable to bring herself to leave it. What was there for her out there but more pretending, playing the role she’d grown so tired of?
Footsteps outside her door caught her attention, her eyes lifting to stare toward the sound with uncertainty. It was hard to say who it might be. There were reasons for many of the others to come to her. Zander was aware she’d gone to the Consul’s and was likely anxious to hear word of his condition, and above all, his reaction to the news they had learned. Oksuva, on the other hand, was probably angry with her for her behavior at the meeting. She could be coming to chide her for it – or to give her new instructions based on whatever word Kyros left before he took his leave of Malic’s.
Deep inside, she knew it would be Kael. She could almost sense him through the wooden door. There was no anger in what she felt, which was reassuring. It meant she had possibly made her trip to the Consul’s unnoticed. That was one fight she might be able to avoid, if so.
“Eleni?”
She nodded to herself. Kael had come, as expected. He sounded calm. Sober. Perhaps in a state of mind which would allow her to speak with him of her concerns. Her heart fluttered at the thought.
Rising from where she was seated on the bed, she rushed over to the door, sliding the lock from its position to open it. A faint smile passed over her lips at the sight of him.
For the first time in a long time she saw him the way she did the day they met. The gentleness in his eyes had returned, though tinged with the red of the vessels, blood-shot from lack of sleep and too much wine the night before. Although the anger was not there in his expression, nothing could bring back the bright glow that had diminished from his eyes. They were dull, covered by the thin film of
grey over white, resembling those of the Ven’shal. Her smile faded away at the thought. Could it be that it worsened since she saw him last?
“Kael,” she whispered, opening the door wider to allow him entrance to the room. “Come in, please. There is much we need to discuss.”
Moving quietly, he made his way past her, following her motions with his gaze while she closed the door behind him. “I have been thinking,” he stated. “It pains me when I realize all of the mistakes I have made over the last few weeks. Many of which have directly affected you. Us. I wish I had an explanation which would make it all forgivable, but I do not. There is nothing I can say other than that I have been a fool, and I am sorry.”
Leyna leaned back against the door, unsure of how to respond. There were no words to describe the things she wanted to say. Her desire to hear his side of the story was too great to interrupt him in fear of distracting his line of thought.
“I can assure you that prior to the incident of which you have become aware, I have never been unfaithful to you. The night before Oksuva’s anniversary party, I had been drinking. I admit I was depressed over some details which have plagued my mind since I met you. Things I have wanted to tell you, and should have before asking you to marry me. But I wanted you to be my wife. So when Oksuva came to me that night and asked me what was troubling me, I was too drunk to know better than to reveal everything to her about my love for you, and my intentions of marrying you. She sympathized for me, knowing Mikel would never allow it. I was thinking about you and then the next thing I remember is being in her room when the door flew open and Mikel came in. I suppose fear was enough to create that sober moment to realize what I had done, but by then it was too late.”
Sitting down on the bed, Kael leaned his upper body forward, supporting his elbows on his knees, propping his chin on his hands. “Mikel is crueler than I ever realized. He knew it would cause me more punishment to dabble in his magic than it would to simply kill me for the dishonor I caused him. There is so much riding on my position with his family that I couldn’t simply deny him. I had to swear to him my continued loyalty and do everything he demanded to prove it. It makes me sick to think of what I have done, but I did it for our people. For our Queen. But the part which frightened me was that deep down inside, I wanted to do it. I wanted to know what it felt like. And that caused me more distress than anything you could imagine. It led me to continue seeking the wine to escape the confusion and self-hatred I felt over these feelings, and in my drunkenness I continued to fall to the draw of the magic even after I decided to never practice it again.”
“If you will let me, I could help you to cleanse yourself of the unnecessary taint to your soul this has created,” Leyna replied quietly, lowering herself down beside Kael on the bed. Resting her hand gently on his shoulder she leaned in, kissing him softly on the cheek. “I know it cannot be erased, but you can still be redeemed. If you want to be. But you have to really want it in your heart, or you could keep falling, and lose yourself. I could never bear to see that happen. I still love you, regardless of what you have done. Do not ever think any differently.”
“Eleni, I have to be honest with you,” Kael sighed heavily. “I am not what you think I am. I lied to you about my involvement with the Consul the day I introduced you to him. I work for him, collecting information for Queen Vorsila about Mikel and Oksuva and those they work with. I have told him about you. He knew a great deal about you already when he met you. The interest he has shown in you over the years when discussing you has had me concerned. I worry he will try to take you away from me. Or that Zander will try to take you back. I am a very jealous man, Eleni. If I caused you any distress yesterday, I did not intend to, but the wine was hindering my ability to control myself, and knowing you had gone to the Consul’s home, alone, has still been eating away at me.”
“I already told you, Kael. Nothing happened. Nor will it,” Leyna assured him. “Feolan is a gentleman and is interested in another woman, and at the same time the Consul was extremely ill and is bedridden. I can forgive your jealousy if you will trust me on this. And as for your involvement with them in your work, I have suspected it since I met you. You are not evil like the rest of the people in that house in Dalonshire. I knew there had to be some other reason you were there.”
“I just ask that you not go there without me. It is not proper for a woman to be paying visits to men alone anyway, without adding the fact that you are engaged. If you want to go there, you need only tell me, and we will arrange to go together. Especially now that you know the truth.”
Her guilt was like a knife in her gut at his request. Here he was, baring his soul to her, and she still held her secrets, offering him nothing in return. She couldn’t. And certainly not until she’d seen his progress in fighting against the magic taking him over. The Consul couldn’t be allowed to see him like that. It would ruin Kael, and although she hated to keep secrets from Thade, for now she believed it was for the best. Once Kael had regained control of himself, it would be easier to explain the situation to Thade and Feolan. If Kael failed – well, she would have to cross that bridge if she came to it. She refused to think on it until then.
“We have a few days, I am sure, during which we can try to rectify everything that has come between us,” she said. “You can stay here with me in the evenings instead of going out to the taverns with the others and we can start working on cleansing your body and mind.”
Kael dejectedly shook his head. “No,” he frowned. “We have no time at all. Kyros and Oksuva have come to an agreement. He found her this morning to explain the conditions he was requiring and she didn’t even try to bargain him down, merely accepted the terms without question. I don’t know what the details were exactly, but I know he has already sent Oran ahead with word to Damir that Oksuva is coming.”
“Damir?”
“Damir Rohld,” Kael replied, oblivious to the sudden stricken expression on her face. “You have been specifically requested to accompany them by Kyros – and I have been requested to remain here in Siscal.”
It was true. Rohld was the same man Thade had warned her about. The man who once called himself her father. She was frightened by the thrill that went through her entire body at the thought. Finally, she would be face-to-face with the man who had chased them from their home. The man who betrayed their people and their Queen to consort with the Ven’shal. Now, to see where he had ended up, banished from Tanispa and working to organize a war of grand proportions against them all, and she had a chance to stop him. It seemed so easy in her mind to go to the meeting and strike him dead, caring nothing for the hatred and punishment Oksuva would threaten for it.
Oh, but how foolish that would be! If she raised a hand to Damir, she would find herself lost to the wrath of Kyros and Oran, and whatever other men Damir had in his service now. They would know who she was, and Oksuva and Mikel would send their own people after her for the deception.
Why did things have to be so complicated? It would have to be done with caution in order to avoid suspicion from the others. She needed to get Damir alone. Unarmed, if possible. But then, if he was skilled in the art of combat, his hands and feet would be weapons enough to defend against her. She lacked the training she needed to take on a battle of that degree. And if he suspected her at all to be the child of his ex-wife, the woman he was rumored to have had murdered, he would never allow her close enough for a chance at retaliation. He would have her killed with a wave of his hand. She would die, nameless and alone.
“You look as though you have been run through with a blade. What troubles you, my darling?”
“Nothing,” she lied. Forcing a smile, she rubbed his back, not wanting to let him know the new fears racing through her mind. “Who has requested you to remain here in Siscal? I would much prefer you to be there with me when Oksuva meets this man. I do not feel safe going there alone.”
“Though I am loath to consent to it, Kyros has asked me to stay behind. He has something
he needs my assistance with, but has not given any details beyond that. You will be going with Oksuva and the others to the town of Kaipoi, which is just over the border in Carpaen from Tanispa. It is a week’s ride from here, if the journey is made without stop. Oksuva intends to leave as soon as she awakens from her drunken stupor.”
“Kaipoi?” Leyna asked, still bewildered by everything. “That is further away than Sivaeria. Why do they have to travel so far?”
“Because Damir doesn’t dare step into the borders of Tanispa. Not until he has raised the army that Oksuva intends to help him build, and if that happens, there is no telling what will become of our people.”
Always moving so quickly! Never had there been plans to go anywhere with Oksuva that she did not insist they leave immediately. It left no time for Leyna to get word to Feolan and Maeri, the way she had promised, so that they could know where she was going and what was happening. She needed to let Feolan know the name of the mysterious Rohld. He would pass it along to Thade when he was feeling healthier, and Thade would understand her concerns. Then again, she also feared he would try to find a way to prevent her from making the meeting.
Thade wouldn’t do it. If she wrote in the letter and expressly told him she wanted to go, he would let her. Though he argued with her constantly over the things she got herself into, he had never once told her no. It was like he didn’t know how to, and yet she had witnessed him say that word to so many others over the years. A miserable laugh built up inside her. How could it be that a man of his position would be so easily swayed by a lowly girl such as herself?
The Myatheira Chronicles: The Vor'shai: From the Ashes (Volume 1) Page 52
