PWNED: A Gamers Novel

by Matt Vancil

  Reid had brought Astrid to Owen Beach at night as often as she’d come. But the sky was never was as foggy as it had been that first night.

  The first time, they’d brought vodka in a Nalgene, and the water had been glassy enough for them to see the bioluminescent noctiluca plankton in the Sound. They had spent hours running cold-numbed fingers through the water, watching the trail of tiny flashes flit across the surface.

  The second night, the sky had opened up. They’d gotten lost in the rain, and wound up in the rose tunnel near the pagoda. It was the second time they made love.

  The third night, they had decided to try a different trail, and found themselves in a garden abutting a concrete walkway that ran from Owen Beach back to the marina. They had cuddled in a tree shaped like a hand, with palm pointing to the sky, and from there watched the sun rise. Astrid had come back with pneumonia, and after that, she’d never snuck into Point Defiance at night with Reid again.

  The last time Reid had snuck into the park himself had been three years ago, after his grandfather’s funeral. He hadn’t planned to go—the day had drained him enough—but as he was undoing his tie, he caught a glimpse of the heavy fog rolling towards Commencement Bay. He had gotten to the park as fast as he could through the wind and the rain, running the entire way, ruining his suit.

  He had reached the beach, but it was too windy: the fog kept rolling, never quite thick enough to blot out the world on the night he most needed the world blotted out. Sorry kid, the universe seemed to be saying. You get what you need once. After that, you’re on your own. He hadn’t been back since.

  “Where are you?” It was Yanker’s voice. Jodie’s. “Are you still alive?”

  “I don’t know,” Reid heard himself saying. In his mind, he was still on the beach, staring at the end of the world.

  The loading bar filled, and the gray fog parted.

  Noob found himself standing in a vast, empty space.

  “Everything’s dark,” he told the guild. “Wait. There’s something there.” Far ahead, something shimmered. He ran toward it.

  Ahead, in a pillar of light, lay a kind-faced old man on a patch of grassy earth. He looked like the First God, but man-sized, and frail—human. Tendrils of grass and flowers had grown over and around him and twined through his hair. A sword—human-sized and real—rose from the First God’s chest, just above where his hands were folded.

  Reid moused over the sword. It lit up.

  “It’s here,” Reid said. “We found it.”

  Cheers erupted over his headset, caws of joy and relief. Reid beamed.

  “Wait for us!” said Yanker. “Wherever you are, we’re gonna rez and see if we can teleport to you.”

  Reid’s eyes went to the picture of Astrid in the frame of his screen. His smile died, and he ground his eyes shut. Remember the beach. “Guys. This whole thing has been… way more fun than I expected.”

  We went skinny dipping in the flashing water. We cuddled afterwards to chase the cold away.

  “You’re all great people. Even Mansex.”

  “You sound like you’re about to fire us or something,” said Yanker. The others chuckled. Reid didn’t chuckle back, and when they heard that, they fell silent.

  Peel away all the bullshit, that’s what’s real.

  “It’s my only way to get her back. I have to do this.”

  It was very quiet on the other end of the line. “Noob?” Yanker said. “You’re kind of freaking me out.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What, you… ninja!” yelled Mansex.

  The line erupted in nervous laughter and pleas, insistence that he was just kidding, that he’d better hurry up and snag the damn thing and please dear God make some sort of sound so I know you’re not doing what you’re pretending you’re going to do.

  “Noob?” Jodie’s voice cut through the din. “Please.”

  “Jodie, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t do this! Reid?”

  “She’s all I get.”

  Reid yanked off his headset. The guild’s muffled protests drifted up from the earpiece on the floor.

  His hand quivering, Reid opened the “Group Options” tab on the game menu, selected Leave Group. The voices abruptly cut out.

  Reid warily lifted the headset, said “Hello?” into the mic. There was no reply.

  This is the right thing. He rubbed tears out of his eyes. I don’t owe them anything. I don’t even know them, not really—I only just heard their voices today. They were gonna use me. They needed the Moonchart, remember? I just beat them to it, that’s all. It’s not like you’ll have to meet them face to face, especially not Jodie—Yanker—living on the other side of the ocean.

  Easier to be the one who leaves. He wondered if he’d ever believe any of it.

  A message popped up on screen: “Warning! Server reset in one minute!”

  “Let’s get this over with.” He moused over the Godsword icon and clicked.

  With one smooth motion, Noob withdrew the Godsword from the First God’s chest.

  Another message popped up: This item begins a quest.

  Reid blinked. “Begins a quest?” He accepted the quest and read the requirements:

  Speak with the First God.

  The First God’s eyes opened. He sat up and regarded Reid. A treasure chest icon appeared above his head. Reid clicked.

  The First God spoke. “In removing the Godsword, you have freed me from a fate most arduous. For many years, I have awaited a hero of your promise.”

  Reid snorted. “Hero.”

  “Your worth has been proven. A true master player you are. There is but one task left for you to accomplish. And that… is to party!”

  Mariachi music erupted from nowhere, and confetti and balloons showered down. Dancing animated toons of what could only be the design team (judging by the prevalence of ponytails and Hawaiian shirts) faded in behind the First God. They blew noisemakers and a disco ball dropped into view.

  “Congratulations!” continued the First God. “You’ll be the Player Guest of Honor at the next HowdyCon, and attend all the events at the con with the designers as an honorary member of the Design Team! That includes a backstage pass, your portrait on the Wall of Heroes at Boy Howdy, and a seat at the HowdyCon banquet table with the game’s creators, where you’ll get to tell us what you love the most about Fartherall Online!”

  The First God sat up and donned a pair of sunglasses. “I guarantee it. After all, you’ve got this—” He did the snapguns with his fingers. “God’s word.”

  Ah, Reid thought distantly. It was God’s word after all.

  The First God blew a party horn in Noob’s face.

  A meeting. It hit Reid like a bomb in the gut. The Godsword was a meeting. An in with Boy Howdy.

  “Server reset in five… four…”

  “Oh, Yanker.”

  “Three… two…”

  “Jodie.”

  The world went white, and then went away.

  12

  Ninja

  TIP: Be courteous while in a group, and you’ll be invited back!

  Once Reid found the line item where Engelbrook-Meyer had been hiding its money, the work fell like a line of dominoes. He went through each section summary—that part of the dream had been accurate, at least—and flagged the recurring incongruity on each page.

  Official company policy was to never call tax fraud what it was, but to treat each and every meticulously planned infraction as if it had been an accident. “Consider reviewing,” he penned into the margins by each disparity. “Blatant felony” would have been more accurate, and probably would have gotten him fired. Not that he particularly cared at the moment.

  Reid finished around 4:30am. Somewhere along the line, he realized, he’d become good at his job—helping his company help multinationals avoid paying their taxes. This is my life, he thought. This was what I’ve put my youth into—helping rich people cheat on their taxes. I’ve gotten very good at cheating.
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  When 7:30 rolled around, Habermann found Reid nibbling on a packaged muffin with his feet on the conference room table. Habermann sighed and looked at the ceiling. “Reid, Reid, Reid…” He must have assumed he hadn’t finished. “What does the manual say about deadlines?”

  Reid tossed him the file folder. “They hid it in office supplies,” he said. “Seems Engelbrook, or maybe it was Meyer, accidentally spent $85 million more on paperclips than they meant to. I’m guessing they should’ve spent that money on shredders.”

  Habermann gave the folder a cursory review. “You finished.”

  “Hence the Victory Muffin.”

  “Very good, Reid. I’m very pleased with your work. The Board will be, too.”

  “Thumbs up to board.” He raised his thumb. Habermann returned the gesture, and returned to his office.

  Reid glanced back at the clock. The game would be back online in ninety minutes. Ninety minutes, and he’d have Astrid’s information.

  The Victory Muffin tasted like ashes.

  The coffee maker sputtered and coughed phlegmatically. I wasn’t built for the abuse Reid had been putting it through.

  Reid splashed water on his face from the sink. He considered washing his hair under the faucet with dish soap, but opted instead to fill the basin and submerge his head. For a cold, quiet moment, the world went away.

  “Did you hear? Someone found the Godsword.”

  “No kidding?”

  Dimly, Reid recognized their voices. Two of the unpaid interns—the spiky-haired guy with the spray tan, and the skinny kid with the contacts who was blinking all the time. The company wasn’t planning to hire either of them.

  “Yeah, bulletin went out this morning over realm chat,” said Blinky. “And the guy who got it? Word is he pulled a total ninja, stabbed his group in the back.”

  “Damn,” said Spraytan. “What a douchey thing to do.”

  “No doubt. Total jerk.”

  “That’s the end of that guild.”

  They trailed off when they noticed Reid staring at them, water streaming from his face. Eventually, Blinky asked “Are you okay, Mr. Underwood?”

  “My head is wet.”

  “Do you want some paper towels?”

  “We’re out.”

  “I could get you some from the men’s room,” said Spraytan.

  “Yes, thank you.”

  After toweling off, Reid poured his coffee and retreated to the conference room. Lodge found him there packing folders into file boxes.

  “Hey,” he said. “Did you finish?”

  “Yep.”

  “With the project, or the sword quest?”

  “Both.”

  “Well. I suppose congratulations are in order.” Reid kept packing. “So… does Astrid come home today?”

  Reid glared at him until Lodge retreated. “I hope so,” Reid said, after he’d gone. Do I hope so? I hope I hope so.

  His watch alarm beeped. The game was back online. Reid closed the conference room door and angled his monitor away from the wall of windows facing into the office. Just a little bit longer, and I’ll be done. I’ll finally be done.

  * * *

  Marrowstone City thrummed. Noob couldn’t see the street ahead of him through the throng of players. It was worse than a subway car at rush hour. Worse than trying to walk the exhibit hall floor at Comic Con. Noob could barely move.

  The crowd was thickest outside the town hall. It looked for the world like the whole continent had turned out. Maybe it had. The crowd went clear out the door, across the field and into Inkwood.

  The door to town hall creaked open. The Town Crier, ringing his bell. “Hear ye, hear ye! The spirit of the First God has been laid to rest! The Godsword has been retrieved!”

  A tsunami of thwarted entitlement hit the town. Hundreds of level-capped characters broke down and cried. Others vented their frustration by stabbing each other—a meteor shower of dueling stones slammed into the ground. If the game had police cars, the crowd would have overturned them and set them on fire. The town hall was already in flames.

  Noob dropped into stealth and maneuvered through the carnage and fire. He found the Admin at the back of his alley, the bright yellow “A” a lighthouse bulb above his head.

  The Admin scoffed when Noob unstealthed in front of him. “Oh, great. It’s you. Before you ask, the answer’s no. The Godsword was the only thing I was interested in, and now that it’s gone, I’m not risking my job for you.”

  “I got it.”

  “Right. You’re the über-leet dude with the über-leet skills who did what no player in three years managed to.”

  Reid showed him the Godsword via a trade window. Speechless, the Admin reached for it.

  Noob closed the menu. “Oh, no, no, no,” he chided. “This was a quid pro quo, remember?”

  “Holy crap.” The Admin kept looking where the menu had been, as if he could will it back into existence. “It was you? I mean, you?”

  Noob nodded.

  The Admin cheered and burst into dance. “No way! Man! I can’t believe you did it! I mean you, of all people! My God! Ninja for the win, am I right? Ha! You totally ninja’d Pwny Xpress! Oh! I love it. Fuck those guys.”

  “That’s my guild you’re talking about.”

  “Not for much longer, I’m guessing. So come on, who are you? Who’s your main? You seriously had me going with this ‘Noob’ character. Was that just style points, then? Come on, you can tell me. Who is it who pulled one over on that Yanker cunt and the freak team?”

  “Watch it, guy.”

  “Let’s see, you’d have had to be off for like the last whole month or so, so…”

  “Can we just get this over with, please? I’m at work.”

  “Sure, boss! Keep your secret. I’ll find you online when you brag about this. Okay, let’s knock this out. Gimme your girl’s name, and I’ll give you her account info. Address, email, phone number. Skype ID. Hell, I’ll give you her fucking credit card. Everything!”

  “You watch your mouth about Pwny Xpress. They’re good people.”

  “Hey, sure thing, man. Don’t mean to get you steamed.”

  “We did it with five, okay? The Godsword dungeon, the run to and through the door, with five. That was a dungeon fifty couldn’t handle.”

  “Yes, you’re amazing. By your holy foot are all asses kicked. Let’s make the trade.”

  “They taught me how to play. Trained me to be one of them. My guild’s been looking for that sword for months.”

  “So’s mine,” said the Admin. “So’s everyone’s. It’s an epic quest. Your girl’s name: what is it?”

  “I betrayed them for it.” Reid said it out loud as he typed. It sucked the breath from his chest to say it. He felt like he was about to start hyperventilating.

  “Yes, your balls are big, brass, and shiny, and lesser men shall shine them and thank you for the honor. Look, I can’t help you get your girlfriend if you don’t give me her damn name.”

  We’re almost done, Reid thought. Come on, nearly there. He forced his attention back to the game.

  Noob pulled up the treasure window with the Godsword in it. “It’s Astrid. Astrid Wheeler.”

  “Fuck. Me. So that means—Oh, my God.”

  Noob didn’t hear him. He was too busy staring at the Godsword. In the worldwide player base, he alone knew what it really was. Not a weapon, not a trophy, but a meeting with the gods. Every player’s dream. Especially that of the woman who’d been willing to help him in the first place.

  Reid closed the treasure window. “I’m sorry. Deal’s off.”

  “Whoa,” said the Admin. “Hey. Hold on, now.”

  “Forget it. I don’t want it.” He really didn’t.

  “I’ve got her information right here!”

  “Sorry. I’ve changed my mind.” Noob strode out of the alley.

  The city square was an inferno from hell. NPC guards had formed a bucket brigade by the well. A few lowbies were helping the
m heave buckets onto the fire, and were earning enough XP doing so to level over and over in alternating bursts of light. The sight made Noob grin and hurt—he’d leveled that fast once, with Jodie leading the way.

  The Admin caught up Noob and slipped in front of Noob—much like he’d done with Jodie when she’d first left him for the woods. Jodie. I need to find Jodie.

  “You can’t just go! We had a deal!” the Admin yelled. “Don’t you want Astrid to come home?”

  Reid didn’t know anymore. “I can’t give it to you. It belongs to someone else.”

  The Admin bellowed enraged gibberish. Noob expected him to start stabbing a building and setting townsfolk on fire. It seemed to be the trend. “We had a deal,” the Admin cried. “Here, I’ll send you the info anyway.”

  “You don’t need to do that.”

  “I trust you’ll do the right thing and give me the sword.”

  “Trust? I’m a freaking ninja, remember?”

  “Seriously, please. Just… give me your password, and I’ll email you the info. Okay? Amin’s honor.” The Admin gave him the three finger salute.

  “I still won’t give it to you.”

  “Whatever. I’ll find it on my own,” said the Admin. “Karma’s coming your way.” He sat and vanished.

  Noob set off through the inferno towards the Roaring Hearth Inn. A salvo of distraught players hurled themselves off of the cathedral and splattered to death behind him. Moments later, they rezzed, only to run back up and throw themselves off again.

  They’d planned to meet here after the quest, after they’d found the Godsword. That was before they’d forgotten about the server reset. And before he’d stolen the thing. Noob sat in his chair by the fire and wondered if they’d show.

  “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

  Jodie’s voice in his ear. Noob jumped up and turned. She was standing at the entrance with the rest of the guild. They were all keeping their distance, all scowling.

  “Your girl,” said Jodie. “I hope she’s worth it. You’re out of the guild.”

  “That’s fair.”

  Trumpets lamented. The