by Jay Stringer
It is an utter tragedy that people who are sexually broken leave the church (what should be the safest, most trustworthy place to explore their sexuality) marked by the trauma of sexual shame and silence.
The next chapter, which is on sexual abuse, is in many ways a second part of our conversation on trauma. I chose to separate it into another chapter for two reasons. First, not all trauma is sexual abuse, but all sexual abuse is a form of trauma. Second, sexual abuse deserves its own singular focus because of the unique and pervasive damage it causes in the lives of my clients and those I research. When I first work with clients, they often say something along the lines of “I don’t have a history of sexual abuse that I know of.” But then they go on to use words and phrases such as “It was weird,” “He was a little off,” “I was partially responsible,” and “It wasn’t that sexual.” The reality is that one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused by the age of eighteen.[50] If our first sexual template was formed somewhere on the spectrum of sexual abuse, it would benefit us to be curious about how the harm may have continued to play out over a lifetime.
FOR REFLECTION:
What, if any, evidence of trauma do you see in your personal or family life?
What themes of pornography or unwanted sexual behavior appeal to you? How might these themes be an attempt to reverse or repeat formative traumas in your life?
In what ways did your faith community shape, for better or worse, your understanding of sex?
[46] Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (New York: Penguin, 2015), 21.
[47] Peter Levine, In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness (Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic, 2010), 31.
[48] Van der Kolk, Body Keeps the Score, 64.
[49] Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (New York: Basic, 1997), 52.
[50] “Statistics about Sexual Violence,” National Sexual Violence Resource Center, accessed March 8, 2018, https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf.
CHAPTER SEVEN
SEXUAL ABUSE
The Corruption of Desire
WHEN WE HEAR THE PHRASE sexual abuse, we might think of a child who is abducted by a sexual predator in a white van or a young child who was molested by a stranger at the park or troubled kid in the neighborhood. Although these events do occur, the more common experience is for the abuser to be in a position of trust in your family. More than likely, this means a child suffered sexual abuse at the hands of their mother, father, brother, sister, youth pastor, teacher, beloved relative, babysitter, or neighbor. Trust is the paradoxical foundation of sexual abuse.
In my sessions with clients, I’ve learned that abusers often have a keen awareness that their victims come from dysfunctional family systems. They carefully position themselves as the antidote for all the harm or neglect or boredom children are experiencing. Abusers are excellent readers of their stories and groom them to slowly awaken their desire for life. The madness of sexual abuse is that the initial relationship feels so right before it begins to feel so wrong. Sexual abuse is the biggest driver of unwanted sexual behavior in the clients I work with. It is also the most minimized and overlooked portion of their stories.
My clients often remark that their abusers had a sixth sense for meeting the needs that were unmet by their parents (or if the abuse was done by a parent, for offering them something so much more tangible than the non-abusing parent did). If you were abused, it is likely that your abuser knew your story. He may have known you had a rigid father who refused to play with you. He knew that your mother was too preoccupied with the details of having a perfect home and was failing to engage your heart with tenderness and delight. Your abuser likely knew that if he engaged you playfully and competitively, he could arouse something in your heart that longed so deeply to be known. The madness of abuse is that we are often offered what our hearts are hungry to experience: attention, touch, and delight.
Respondents in my research disclosed the following:
Moreover, 11 percent of respondents had been asked to act out something they saw in pornography, and 9 percent had been asked to sexually stimulate someone else during or after viewing pornography.
Childhood sexual abuse was one of the biggest drivers of unwanted sexual behavior in adulthood. Sexual abuse set men and women up for a lifetime of sexual madness. My research found the following:
The sexual-abuse scores of the most significant pornography users were eight points higher compared to those who did not view pornography at all. This represents a score that is 24 percent higher for the most significant users over those who did not view pornography at all.
Men who had high scores on the sexual-abuse scale were twenty times more likely to buy sex compared to those who had low sexual-abuse scores.
Men who had high scores on the sexual-abuse scale were thirteen times more likely to want an affair with someone anonymous and fifteen times more likely to want an affair with “someone I know” compared to those who had low sexual-abuse scores.
Women who had high scores on the sexual-abuse scale were four times more likely to want an affair with “someone I know” compared to those who had low sexual-abuse scores.
Women who had high scores on the sexual-abuse scale were four times more likely to want an affair with someone anonymous compared to those who had low sexual-abuse scores.
The average sexual-abuse scores for bisexual persons (average = forty-four) were eight and eleven points higher than the average scores of homosexual and heterosexual persons, respectively.
If your first sexual experiences had to do with a secretive relationship with someone older or with more sexual knowledge, it should not surprise you that you will be aroused by secretive affairs. If someone sexually used you as a child, likely you continue to feel vulnerable to being used by a person who initially delights in you only to use power and coercion for his or her sexual gain (this in no way justifies the abuse of power or blames the victim for the assault). Or, you develop strategies to sexually use other people in order to ensure that you are never again vulnerable. If you are an adult survivor of sexual abuse, it is important that you determine how you will care for yourself as you process your childhood abuse as you read this chapter. As in the story of Clayton you are about to read, it is easy for us to hate ourselves for the pleasure or arousal we gave or received. I wish I could say that this hatred is effective in healing unwanted sexual behavior, but the evidence is that contempt is gasoline on a fire.
Freedom is an often paradoxical and unexpected path that is found through kindness and curiosity. What would it mean for you to bless instead of curse your body for experiencing what it felt? Will you cry out with agony for how your desire was misused instead of remaining silent in your shame? Honesty and kindness change the human heart. Contempt for arousal and silence in our shame lead to continual pursuit of unwanted sexual behavior.
Clayton’s Story
Clayton and his wife purchased a new home shortly after they got married. It was a classic fixer-upper. Clayton was a skilled carpenter who quickly developed the reputation on his street as the man who had the skills and tools to fix just about anything. During a block party, a single woman down the street asked him to help install a new light fixture. Clayton loved the feeling of being desired and soon found himself fantasizing about her sexually.
He completed the electrical work for her and while inside her house noticed that her bathroom could use caulking. He knew that his wife had a hiking trip planned with her friends the following weekend and asked his neighbor if he could help her out with a few touch-up areas around her house. She gladly accepted.
The following weekend, Clayton began pursuing infidelity with his neighbor. He brought over his caulking supplies and made special effort to teach her how to do it. Clayton handed her
the caulking gun, stepped behind her, and guided her hands through the proper application. Moments later, they had sex. The affair continued until Clayton’s wife suspected there was more going on with his weekend walks around the neighborhood. She followed him one Saturday and saw him walk into the neighbor’s home.
Clayton entered therapy remorseful about his decision to have an affair. He spoke to a desire to understand the torrent of emotions he experienced the weekend the affair began. He said, “I felt so aroused and so disgusted with myself, almost simultaneously.” As we processed the emotions and body sensations he had surrounding the affair, Clayton began having flashbacks from a family reunion in childhood. He tried to dismiss them, but the memories were buoyant. I asked him to tell me what he was seeing and if there were any stories associated with what his body was feeling.
Clayton’s extended family would gather every year for a reunion in the Shenandoah Mountains in Virginia. He remembered the early years of those trips fondly. He ate his first s’mores, learned how to play his first few chords on a guitar, and fed deer out of the palm of his hand. Those reunions were his favorite part of childhood.
One of the activities Clayton loved was archery. His uncle Frank was an avid hunter and brought a longbow with him each year. Frank would stand behind his nieces and nephews, instructing them how to load and release the arrow. Clayton said, “When my uncle Frank stood behind me, I felt protected and strong. His arms were comforting, and the attention and encouragement he offered were addicting. A bull’s-eye in his presence was as good as it could get for me.”
The summer Clayton turned eight, his uncle Frank became even more attentive. Clayton was assigned to archery setup, which gave him the privilege of carrying the bow and arrows all week. On the second day of the trip, his uncle told him he was not feeling good and was going to stay back in the tent. Frank then invited Clayton to go back to the tent with him to read a book. Clayton was excited to be asked and walked back to his uncle’s tent, which was stuffed with soft sleeping bags and pillows. Inside the tent, Frank asked Clayton to sit on his lap and then opened the book.
Through therapy, Clayton saw that archery was the beginning of his uncle’s grooming process. Frank’s immense power was derived from the barren emotional connection of Clayton’s life. Frank knew that his brother, Clayton’s father, was strict and never taught his son anything except if it had a utilitarian purpose. Frank, on the other hand, was kind and playful. His eyes gave Clayton a delight he was so hungry to experience. Clayton astutely remarked, “I’m seeing that my uncle’s plan was brilliant: He gave me a cup of water because he could tell my heart was so thirsty.”
Clayton’s uncle began reading the book but then paused to tell Clayton how good it was to be together. As he said this, he slowly started to caress Clayton’s leg. Frank said he was feeling a bit warm and slid his shorts down to get a bit more “cozy.” As Frank read the book aloud, his erect penis rose between Clayton’s legs.
Clayton froze. He looked down, but he also wanted to look away. His uncle felt his tenseness and invited him to “relax a little,” even guiding his breath in the same way he had done in archery. Seconds later, his uncle’s abuse was interrupted. “Daddy?” a small girl’s voice asked. Frank quickly pulled his shorts up, unzipped the tent, and cheerfully talked to his young daughter. “Bethany, you want to come in and read with Clayton and me?”
The next day after lunch, Clayton’s uncle asked him if he wanted to keep reading the story. Clayton recounted, “I remember walking back to my uncle’s tent and looking over at my dad. He was in a camping chair, three beers in, completely oblivious to the world around him.” Inside the tent, his uncle asked him, “What do you think? Do you want to get cozy too?” Clayton was reluctant yet also aroused. He nodded his head yes. His uncle smiled and encouraged him to slide his shorts and Star Wars underwear down to his thighs. The sight of two penises became etched in Clayton’s brain forever. He felt so small yet desired in his uncle’s presence.
Frank asked, “Do you want to help me feel good?” Clayton nodded his head yes. This decision filled him with greater self-hatred than any decision he has made as an adult. Frank took his hands and guided Clayton in a similar way to archery. Clayton felt power in seeing how much pleasure he could bring him. But along with arousal also came shame and repulsion. After Frank’s climax, he told Clayton, “You did great. I can’t believe how good you are at this.”
Clayton commented to me, “To this day, whenever I experience an orgasm, the initial rest always gives way to feelings of repulsion and guilt. I am never far from that tent. I hate that my uncle remains with me no matter how far I try to go from his memory.”
Corrupted Desire
When abusers are in the grooming process, they work to annul your ability to say no by offering you as many experiences of yes as they can arrange. They study your heart, mind, and body and plot ways to bring you life but ultimately ways to bend you to their purposes. As they earn your trust, they also test limits to see how far they will be able to go.
In Clayton’s story, the archery experience was the central part of the grooming. The abuse did not begin in the tent; it began with his uncle showing him something fun and skillful with their bodies connected. His uncle could feel that Clayton’s body enjoyed the time of archery, and he saw that Clayton’s dad was too zoned out to care or offer protection. The brilliance of the uncle was that by the time he asked if Clayton wanted to “get cozy too,” it was too late for Clayton to say no. Everything the uncle had brought to him—s’mores, archery, and his favorite book—were all things Clayton was delighted and hungry to receive.
My research showed that many children who were sexually abused had a predictable story: They were ignored by their parents. Although the abdication of either parent’s emotional involvement with their child was damaging, the parent of the same gender of the child had the most significant impact. Male respondents were more likely to be abused as children when their fathers were not involved in their lives; female respondents were more likely to be abused as children when their mothers were not involved in their lives.
The most significant predictor of sexual abuse was having been bullied as a child. Peter Levine, a leader in the field of trauma, wrote, “People who lack solid early attachment bonding to a primary caregiver, and therefore lack a foundation of safety, are much more vulnerable to being victimized and traumatized and are more likely to develop the entrenched symptoms of shame, dissociation and depression.”[51] Parental abandonment makes children vulnerable to sexual violation. Children who have been sexually violated go on to be exceedingly vulnerable to pursuing unwanted sexual behavior as adults.
Naming the places where our families and communities left us vulnerable to abuse is not an act of betrayal; it is an act of wisdom. You must choose whether to see the context of your abuse with honesty or naiveté. Honesty will lead you to grieve for a child who lacked the foundation of safety and delight. Naiveté surrounding the context of your abuse leaves you to blame yourself as a child for not knowing better. You must assess the cost of each.
Clayton’s abuse influenced him to forfeit a natural experience of desire for a mixture of repulsion and shame. Sexual abuse lays down the foundation for corrupted desire in children. Abuse is so tragic because it takes our God-given longing to be pursued, pleasured, and known and transforms it into something that brings us shame. Abusers want to experience pleasure, but they are also devising ways for their victims to feel pleasure too. Once you feel pleasure, you feel complicit in the abuse. You think to yourself, How can I say it was wrong if something in me seemed to want it too? In the aftermath of abuse, victims often despise the parts of themselves that either longed for the relationship or experienced pleasure. If we curse ourselves for these desires, we have few other options: either shut the sexual desire down completely or compulsively pursue sexual experiences as an adult to eclipse the memory of abuse.
Many of us have experienced lifetimes of unwanted
and shameful sexual behavior because our abuse formed the blueprint for our sexual lives. In abuse, we are groomed to participate in drama that is secretive, bonding, and pleasurable. But it is also drama that fills us with regret, shame, and contempt. It should not be lost on you that much of your attraction to unwanted sexual behavior may be inviting you to a very similar drama with very similar outcomes. A sexual reenactment is when we return to the sexual blueprint of our abuse in adulthood. Reenactments occur in our pursuit of pornography, a secretive affair, sexual fantasies, and buying sex. We think we have some control of our sexual desire, but our behavior and fantasies ensure that we return to our original sexual shame.
Ambivalence and Abuse: The Complexity of Desire
As awful as it may sound, you likely knew arousal in the presence of your abuser. Abusers know that grooming someone with kindness and trust is the surest way to lead the individual to sexual pleasure. When we feel aroused, we also believe we are complicit. Bessel van der Kolk said it this way:
It’s hard enough to face the suffering that has been inflicted by others, but deep down many traumatized people are even more haunted by the shame they feel about what they themselves did or did not do under the circumstances. They despise themselves for how terrified, dependent, excited, or enraged they felt.[52]
This sense of complicity in the abuse is what intensifies our ambivalence with sexual desire. On one hand, we despise ourselves for what we felt, and we seek to eradicate sexual desire. On the other hand, we may feel drawn to recreate some of the original feelings of excitement or bonding. We hate our desire but simultaneously want to satiate it.
