Logan’s spine stiffened and he went pale as she pulled that rug out from underneath him. She hadn’t meant to get so close to him, so close that they were dependent on each other. She’d been trying to show him that he could stand on his own, that he was strong.
Clearly, her planning skills versus execution needed work.
With one last sad, lingering half-smile, she slid into the car and tapped the seat, hoping the driver would get the picture.
Beth looked away, not daring to watch as Logan glared at her while she made her final exit from his life.
“To the airport?” the driver said, her voice sympathetic.
Beth nodded. “Please.”
She then took out her phone and dialed the only person she could think to call.
“Do I even want to know?” Lex said by way of greeting.
“Probably not,” Beth confirmed. “Are you guys busy?”
There was a contemplative silence on her sister’s end of the line, for a second.
“I can check with Andy, but I have time. What do you need?”
“I’m not sure,” she admitted. “Just, you guys for now.”
“You tell me where and when, Bethy, and we’ll be there.”
She did, detailing her flight times for Lex while trying to keep herself in check. This was not the time or place to break down. She needed to get through her flight and into the arms of her family before she finally let go.
Her flight took her to Providence, which was close enough to home to get there if she’d wanted to, but far enough away that she didn’t have to. When she stepped out of the terminal, Andy and Lex were standing there, waiting for her, steadfast and supportive.
Smart woman that she was, Andy had found an out-of-season beach hotel, less than an hour from the airport that they’d stayed at as children. Not only did pulling into the parking lot remind her of better days, but it made her feel closer to her family.
She needed the memories to bolster her up, or else she might not be able to stand on her own.
Letting Logan go had been the hardest thing she’d ever done. It had also been the bravest and the most selfless, even if he couldn’t see it yet.
Andy checked them into their room while Lex led Beth out to the beach. The April air was warm, but the beach was nearly empty, save a few runners and their dogs.
It was peaceful, unlike the hot summer days they’d visited decades before when there had been hordes of people along the shore.
Lex spread out a blanket and they both sat. After a wordless minute, an arm slung around Beth’s shoulder and she was pulled into her sister’s embrace.
For two women that had gotten into a literal fistfight a year before, they’d become much closer. A year ago, Beth wouldn’t have imagined finding refuge in her sister Alexa’s arms but now, she knew that no matter how stupid she was, her family would be there for her.
The shame of not doing the same for them all these years hit her like a kick to the chest. She’d spent so many years running from her family and the memory of her mother that lingered with them. She’d avoided their calls and visiting home, because it was too painful for her, never contemplating how they might feel. She owed them all an apology.
It may not come at that moment, but it was on her to-do list. When she was feeling less like burying her head in the sand for an eternity, she’d tell them all.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lex asked.
“You don’t have to,” Andy put in as she joined them, her arm around Beth’s back as they supported her. “We’ll be here when you’re ready.”
“I love him,” Beth said with no preamble. It wasn’t a hard admission to make; she knew it down to her bones that Logan Hallowell was the only man for her. But somehow, she wasn’t the woman for him.
“No shit,” Lex said sarcastically.
“Alex,” Andy scolded, pulling Beth in tighter.
“Well, come on,” Lex complained. “She loves him. He loves her. What the hell am I missing?”
“If I tell you, you’re just going to say I told you so,” Beth said. “Because you did. You both did. And now I can’t go back and undo it and it makes everything I want in life impossible.” She was working herself up to tears, her eyes burning as they built and wobbled on her eyelashes. “I thought it was better than having everyone watch me die like Mom did, but now I can’t have Logan, and it’s my own damn fault. Should I have to choose between dying and love?”
“Whoa!” Lex held her hands up in a T shape. “Hold up. What the hell are we talking about here? What does Mom have to do with this?”
“Mom has to do with everything when it comes to Beth,” Andy said knowingly. “Does this have to do with the decision you made to have a hysterectomy?”
Beth nodded pitifully.
“I told you so,” Lex said. “I told you that was stupid and premature.”
“That doesn’t help,” Andy told her twin. “Shut it.”
“You were right,” Beth whispered, resting her forehead on her bent knees. “You were right about everything.”
After a few seconds, Alex broke the quiet. “I’m wrong about a lot of things, Bethy. I was wrong when I gave you a hard time about grieving for Mom. I knew it hit you the hardest, and I think, in some ways, it made me feel guilty for not being sadder. Like it was a competition or something.”
“Because everything is a competition with you two,” Andy interjected. “Can we talk about the punching match last year?”
Beth shook her head. “Seeing Mom waste away to nothing and then just be gone…it broke me. I stopped believing in anything after that. If she could get taken away, then everything else could too.”
She felt Lex’s grip on her tighten. “Life is fragile, Beth. We all should know that by now. Between Mom getting sick and what happened to Andy, life changes in an instant. It doesn’t mean we get to run from it or pretend it isn’t happening.”
Which is what she’d been doing, was the implication. And her sister wasn’t wrong. She had been running, unwilling to settle in Freehope with her family as if that might stop the inevitable from catching up with her. As if developing ovarian cancer like her mom might not happen if she ran far enough. Like, if she didn’t fall in love or have kids, no one would get hurt if it did happen.
“So, what happened?” Andy asked gently. “Last I heard, you guys were tuning out the rest of the world and living life like you were the last two people on earth.”
Beth took a cleansing breath and told her sisters all about her and Logan’s trip. She told them about their near miss in Indiana, when they didn’t have sex but learned the finer points of intimacy. She told them about their conversation in Chicago, and then confessed to the real reason she jumped ship and quit her job. They talked for a long time about their experiences as women, and the harassment they faced and how they handled it.
She talked about their workouts together, remembering the bond she and Logan created in trusting each other with their insecurities, and pushing through them.
When she told them about yelling out into the canyon, they both reacted physically, and it made Beth feel better for taking the moment so personally. Andy covered her heart with a hand, and Alex squeezed Beth’s knee as she recounted their moments there, their confessions.
As it was in real life, it was all downhill from there anyway.
“I sat with Logan’s mom out on her front porch for a while and it was nice. Then she started making these comments about how she couldn’t wait for us to give her grandchildren…”
“Oh,” Alex murmured.
“Yikes,” Andy agreed.
“She went on and on about how Logan has always wanted to be a father and raise kids. I get that. He had a shitty dad and he wants to have his own kids so he can do it right. That’s exactly what he told me but to have his mom say it…” She shrugged. “I don’t know. All of a sudden, it just hit me, that I was leading this cart down a dead-end path.”
“You know,” Andy said
gently. “There are other ways to have kids than just the old-fashioned way. Plenty of people hire surrogates or adopt. It’s not like there aren’t other options out there for women who can’t bear children, Beth.”
Beth nodded but looked at her sisters pitifully. “I don’t think Logan wants that. I don’t think he’s interested in building a family that way, at least from what he’s said.”
“Are you telling me that you confessed to not being able to have children and that stupid oaf told you he only wanted kids if his woman could pop them out like Tic Tacs?” Alex ground out through her teeth.
A laugh that felt like it was pulled out of her, dropped out of Beth’s mouth. “No. It wasn’t like that. But it just became clear by not discussing it; there was no point.”
“Did you even ask him?” Andy asked.
Beth shook her head.
“You guys love each other,” Andy pointed out.
“But he wants more,” Beth argued. “And he deserves more. Hell, look at me. I’m a mess anyway, he’s better off.”
“So you made Logan go on a road trip with you, because he was a mess. But now that it’s done, and he’s better, you’re a mess.” Alex shook her head. “It just can’t end like this. You guys were made for each other. Why don’t you just call him and ask if he’d be willing to have kids another way? Hell, I’ll have your babies if you need me to. Lord knows, I’m not doing anything else.” She straightened up quickly. “But I’m not banging him. We’d have do it the scientific way.”
Beth and Andy both laughed. The dark mood her tale brought out lingered, but lifted considerably as they let the subject go and spoke about other things.
In fact, they stayed there together for two whole days, rebuilding their connection as sisters. Beth finally realized how much she’d missed by avoiding Freehope for so long, but was still thankful for her time away.
She wasn’t sure she was ready to go back home just yet. While she might want to settle there in the long run, she just couldn’t picture building a home for herself alone.
“You can have Andy’s old apartment. Spencer hasn’t rented it out and it’s just sitting there empty,” Alex told her over a glass of wine on their last night.
They still sat on the deserted beach, enjoying the weather, that got warmer by the day, and the solitude.
“Thanks, Lex,” Beth said, clinking glasses with her sister. “For everything.”
“It’s kind of growing on me,” Alex admitted. “The Lexi thing.”
“Really?” Andy asked with a laugh. “Wasn’t it you that said if anyone else called you Lexi at the bar, you’d put bleach in their beer?”
“Those are people at the bar,” she explained. “I’m talking about my sister.”
Beth felt a warmth spread through her chest. They hadn’t felt like sisters in a long time. Sibling rivals maybe, but not real sisters. The difference between the two was astounding.
“I love you guys, you know,” Beth whispered. “I know I’m a screwup and make everything harder—”
“Beth,” Andy interrupted.
“No, no. Go on,” Alex laughed.
“It’s been hard,” Beth admitted. “And I’ve been a jerk, but I love you guys and I’m sorry. I’ll try not to do it again.”
“That was a little glossy,” Alex complained. “But I guess we’ve gone into enough details the last few days to last us at least a few years. I’ll see your apology and call with my own. I’m sorry too, for not being sensitive enough to see how deeply you were hurting and standing beside you, instead of standing behind you and pushing. I feel like I pushed you right out the door, and I’ve blamed myself for you being gone for a long time.”
“I felt like I was so busy with Jenna being so little, that I didn’t see how much you needed us,” Andy admitted. “I always felt like I let the family fall apart after Mom died, and I could never put it back together.”
“To hot messes,” Alex lifted her glass in toast. “Each and every one of us.”
10
“Look at you!” His mother’s excited voice greeted him as he hit the bottom of the steps after a run.
He had a new running prosthetic, something he’d never thought to look into until after his trip with Beth.
The thought of her sent a wash of sorrow through him, a physical ache that he felt to his marrow. He wasn’t sure why he’d been so surprised when he’d come home to find her packed and leaving. That was her M.O., but he’d had such high hopes for them, and the disappointment had been crushing.
“Feels good,” he said to his mom and she stepped back, letting him stand next to her on the porch. “Didn’t know if I’d ever get this far.”
“You amaze me every day. First your trip and how well you recovered. Then applying for the PA program. Now this!”
He chuckled at her excitement. His life finally felt like it was coming together after the loss of his leg. His road trip with Beth, aside from the disastrous ending, had cleared some things up for him.
There was no need to stop living his life; there were reasons to carry on. He’d known that deep down, but he hadn’t felt the joy of life in so long, he’d forgotten.
Beth had reminded him. So, he’d taken charge of his life. He’d applied for a Physician’s Assistant program and had been accepted. His recommendation letters from the navy helped, as well as his experience in the field. He wouldn’t start for a few months, but there were prospects on the horizon.
He’d gotten two new prosthetics, both meant for physical activity, so he could run and exercise, similar to how he used to. He’d made some adjustments to his workouts, but the end result was the same. He felt better about himself, more confident and strong, and he knew he was on the right track.
He hadn’t meant to stay with his mother for so long. The original plan had been to stay a few days and then drive back to Connecticut with Beth, but since she’d run out, he ended up staying.
He and his mom had spent some much-needed time together, relearning each other’s quirks and habits. It had been fun, but their time was up.
He was heading back to Connecticut to return Tucker’s car and then to Freehope for Jenna’s big softball tournament. He’d promised her he’d go and he refused to back out, even if it meant running into Beth. So far, he’d been lucky, avoiding whispers and talk of her like it was his job. Last he’d heard, she was working at some resort up there, waiting until the weather turned warm to teach surfing for the summer.
“Do you want to talk about her?” his mother asked, her hand soft on his shoulder.
Logan realized he’d been staring out off the porch into nothingness for a few minutes. His mother, God bless her, just let him.
He shook his head. “Nothing to talk about.”
His mom scoffed. “Nothing, my behind. Logan Beau Hallowell, don’t you lie to your own mother’s face. You’ve been pining for that woman since the second she walked out this door.”
“Ran,” he corrected. “Since the second she ran out this door.”
His mother shrugged. “I do believe I’ve told you that women are complicated creatures and Beth is no different. She had a sadness hanging on her, even when she smiled.”
He looked down at her, her wise eyes pinning him in place.
“I promised you I wouldn’t read her leaves or tarot cards, but I’m not blind.”
“Beth’s a runner, Mama. It’s just who she is. She’s got commitment issues and I don’t have time for that anymore. I’ve wasted more than a year chasing her around. There aren’t many more ways a woman can tell a man she isn’t interested, no matter how much he loves her.”
“Isn’t interested?” She laughed. “How did I raise a man that doesn’t know what love looks like when it’s staring him in the face? That scared look on her face is what someone looks like when they realize they’re in love, Logan. I don’t know why she ran off, but that girl loves you.”
He lowered himself to the porch swing, letting his mother get on next to him before he
set it to rocking.
“Maybe love just isn’t enough, sometimes,” he told her. “Look at you and Daddy.”
He nearly winced at the offended look she sent him. “Your daddy didn’t love anyone but himself and the bottle. But he at least had the brains to come crawling back to me when he realized what a mistake he made crossing me. You’ve been hiding here for over a month, trying to pretend that woman doesn’t exist when we both know she’s the best thing that ever happened to you. I’ve cut you some slack so you can get back on your feet, but don’t you think now that you have, it’s time to go get your girl?”
“I just worry that we’re going to do this song and dance for the rest of our lives. How many times do I chase her down or watch as she leaves, Mama? That’s not what I want for my life.”
She leaned back, mollified for just a second while she thought about it.
“I know that love is patient and love is kind,” he said quietly, remembering everything his mama had ever taught him about love and finding the right woman. “And I do love Beth.” He let out a humorless laugh. “I love her so much, I don’t know if I can ever love anyone as much as I love her. But I want to spend my life loving someone, not wondering if they’re going to get up one day and be gone.”
Ellie was quiet for a few seconds. “Like Daddy?”
He shook his head, wanting to deny it. He wasn’t a therapist by any means but he didn’t think his issues stemmed from that event, but what did he know? Maybe they did.
Maybe, his fear of Beth abandoning him at every turn only enforced what he’d learned from his father. Someone else he’d put his love and trust into that hadn’t come through for him in the end.
“Love also doesn’t hold grudges, Logan. It doesn’t keep score. When you were falling down, who helped you back up?”
“Beth,” he admitted, savoring the memory of her striptease at his cousins’ house.
“Maybe she’s falling down and needs a hand. Who’s going to help her back up?”
“And if she doesn’t? If she ran because she just flat-out isn’t interested in having me in her life?” he countered.
Confessing History (Freehope Book 3) Page 16
