him aside determined to put an end to this meaningless conversation. He reaches out and takes my
hand. Then he pulls me closer and puts his lips on mine. It’s a short, non-invasive kiss but enough to alert my reflexes. I slap him hard across the face and he has to take a couple steps backwards to
steady himself.
“What’s gotten into you?” I say. “I went through this once. I don’t need any more pushy suitors.
Try that again and the receptor will have something to say to you. I’m happy as I am. I don’t need any men.”
“Freya, I’m sorry,” he says. “I was under your spell. I’m a jerk. Please, forget this ever
happened.”
I see honesty in his eyes. “You want forgiveness?” I ask him.
He nods.
“Take Zoe on a date, a real date,” I say. “And you better be more of a gentleman than you were
tonight.”
“Sure. Yeah, I’ll do it,” he says.
“And give her a chance,” I insist. “She’s more than you deserve.”
I walk quickly back to the base. When the cool, filtered air hits my skin, I realize how sweaty
and clammy I am. Before I hit the shower, I decide to stop by Finn’s room. He’s the only one who can
calm me when I’m restless.
I reach his door and open it slowly in case he’s asleep. But he’s not asleep. He sits on the bed
with Ella in his arms, their lips locked together. They pull away from each other when they see me.
Ella smiles at me. “Hi, Freya,” she says. “I didn’t hear you knock.”
“Freya never knocks,” Finn says. “It’s just how we are. Since we were children.”
“No, Ella’s right,” I mumble. “We’re not children anymore. I should have knocked.”
I turn to go.
“Wait,” Finn says. “What did you want?”
“Nothing important,” I say faking a smile.
I shut the door quickly behind me. I stagger down the corridor to my room. I don’t know why I
am rocked to my core by what I have seen. Finn has a private life. It never crossed my mind that he’d
have a secret and tender relationship with another girl. I thought he was mine alone to sneak around
the woods with and to hide in the quiet corners of the unforgiving world.
She had his shirt off. That one is hardly a girl. I can feel my childhood dying while Ella’s fingers
lay upon Finn’s bare chest.
*
WHEN I OPEN MY DOOR in the morning I find Damian waiting right outside. I jump out of my
skin a little. I wouldn’t even know where to start if somebody asked me to make a list of all the
reasons why his presence at my doorstep is so disturbing to me.
“What do you want?” I say abruptly.
“I need to talk to you,” he says in a dispassionate voice. Too dispassionate maybe. I’ve often
wondered if his indifference to most of the things that go on with the Saviors and our future is merely an act.
“What about?” I say.
“What about? Have you been living under a rock? You’re starting a war tomorrow.”
“We can discuss all that during the scheduled meeting later today.”
I take a step outside the room. He blocks my way.
“Some things I’d rather discuss in private,” he says.
“Like what?” I say touching my forehead.
“Like why did you put Finn in charge of the Dark Legion instead of me? Didn’t I earn that right
when I brought in Kroll?”
“I see. This is all about your ego. No surprise there. We need someone who can be levelheaded
for this job. Does that answer your question?”
“Why are you so snappy with me? Is it because I refuse you?”
“Damian, is your sole purpose on Earth to push my buttons? Because if it is, you are a great
success. But at this moment, the little drama we once had is the last thing on my mind. In fact, I’m so over anything having to do with romance. You have no idea. Now can you get out of my way?”
He steps aside and then walks beside me. As tough as I try to be, I’m worried about him.
“I’m not good at talking,” he says.
“You’re really not,” I agree.
This does not hurt him. Nothing can. “I want to contribute in the best way I know how,” he
explains. “And you won’t let me. It’s frustrating.”
“You don’t have to lead to contribute,” I assure him. “The greatest heroes are the soldiers not
the generals.”
We both laugh. “I used to tell Finn that.”
“Yeah. He hated it,” I confess.
“I can see why,” Damian says and for a moment he seems like his old self.
“Prove yourself in battle,” I say. “Show us your heart more.”
He grins. “I remember a time when you begged me to let you fight.”
“At least I’m letting you fight,” I remind him. “You never did.”
“What if I don’t have a heart to show?” he asks. “Don’t you think I would love you if I still
did?”
I stop in my tracks thunderstruck by his words. I look at my feet. I cannot bring myself to look
into his eyes. I am tired of embarrassing myself. I’m the biggest fool in the universe.
“If I had anything to give you, Freya, I would,” he says softly.
“I don’t blame you,” I say. I find the strength and lift my eyes to meet his. “You just need a little
humility and patience. You can fight what they did to you. You want to prove yourself in battle. This
is the battle you need to win. You need to find yourself again. You can be who you want to be. Not for me. Not for Tobi. For you, Damian.” I reach up and softly touch his rigid jawline.
“And I need humility for this? Humility is for beggars. I’m a leader,” he says and his face goes
red. “I want to be who I am now.”
“And there you go. I knew this whole vulnerable act was too good to be true. You’re just trying
to manipulate me. Again.”
“You have to admit, you make it too easy,” he mocks me.
The way I see it, I have two choices: I can either zap him off the ground with the receptor or I
can zap his soul naked with my words. One thing’s for sure, I can’t let him walk all over me ever
again.
“This is the last thing I am going to say on the subject, so listen up. I don’t blame you, I swear I
don’t. And I know how hard it must be to live knowing that you disappointed the one person you
loved the most.”
“I didn’t love you. The Sliman in me did,” he snaps. “How many times do I need to tell you
that?”
“I’m not talking about me, you idiot. I’m talking about Daphne. Remember her? Daphne? What
would she think if she knew how you have given up on yourself and everyone you ever cared about?”
Mission accomplished. He goes pale, then turns and leaves without saying a word. And I feel all
the worse for it. Because he is right to some extent. I treat him unfairly because of what he came to
mean to me once. And because of the way he took all that away from me whether it was his choice or
not.
I find Zoe in the dining-hall and drop on a chair next to her.
“There are eggs this morning,” she says before she notices the sour expression on my face.
“Nerves?” she asks.
“Yeah, that. And the last four people I’ve come across have ripped my heart out. Not their fault.
Mine. Why can’t I just be happy to be me?”
“Because we need people in our lives. There’s a Damian-sized hole in your heart.”
I shake my head. “It’s beyond t
hat now. Everything’s changed. It’s not just Damian. It’s me, too.
I’m a different person, Zoe.”
“When this is all over, I’m going to talk to Joshua,” she says.
Joshua. I forgot all about him. “I guess that’s one more reason why I should win this fight,” I say.
“To give you time with Joshua.”
Zoe smiles and gets distracted for a moment. Probably thinking of that day when she will finally
have a hand to hold. “Ella was here earlier,” she says when she returns to the present. “She was
looking for you.”
“Did she say why?” I say. Could things get any worse? Apparently, yes.
“No. She said she’d be in the Labs if you want to find her.”
I’m not sure if I want to talk to Ella right now but my curiosity gets the better of me. I walk to the Labs and find her in a white lab coat handling blood samples. She waves me over when she sees me.
“Having fun?” I ask.
“I need to stay occupied or I will lose my mind,” she says. “Doc is nice enough to let me help.”
“I know the feeling. It gets boring down here,” I say. “You could go back.”
“We’re here to help,” she says. “We’re not going to abandon you.”
“Ella, you have no idea how savage the world can be. The level of brutality the aliens reduce us
to is nothing I’d ever hope for you to see. At least stay here in the base. Only trained fighters should be there.”
Ella puts the vials with the samples down on the counter. She takes off her plastic gloves. “Have
I done something to upset you?” she says.
“Of course not. I am being honest with you. You cannot help with what is going to unfold now.
There’s no reason for you to be here.”
“I might not have super powers but I know how to use a gun,” she says.
I look at her. I study the mascara on her eyelashes, her pink fingernails, the silver rings on her
fingers. I can only hope that somebody else, somebody she trusts and feels more connected to, will get through to her and convince her to stay behind.
“Zoe said you were looking for me,” I say. “So, here I am. What’s up?”
Her expression changes from confident to insecure within an instant.
“Please, don’t take this the wrong way, but I need to ask you something. Do you have feelings
for Finn?”
I knew this was coming but I still don’t know how to respond. It seems like every answer would
be some kind of lie.
“It’s no secret I have loved him since I could remember,” I say dispassionately.
“I know, of course you do. I mean something more than that,” she goes on. “Finn talks about you
all the time. I can tell there’s a strong bond there.”
“Ella, Finn and I are not dating. We never have,” I say with a half smile. “If you two want to
date each other, knock yourselves out.”
She nods obviously unsatisfied. “Is he in love with you, Freya?”
I catch a sudden chill from her question. “It’s not my place to say what other people feel,” I say
stubbornly.
“Okay, let me put it another way, delicately if possible. Could you give us a little space, you
know, to explore our feelings for each other? I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but you are a very
powerful presence in his life.”
I find it hard to believe what I’m hearing. Ella doesn’t feel that being close to Finn is enough.
She also wants me out of his life. In all honesty, I can’t say that I blame her. But I can’t give her what she wants. Even on a day like this when our entire future is at stake, I still can’t make promises about keeping my distance from the one person that matters to me the most.
I exhale and hang my head. Where’s a nice Sliman death blow when you need one? I could ask
Kroll to please be a doll and kill me. “Absolutely,” I tell her, “I’ll try to avoid Finn after dark where you seem to do your best work.” I enjoy the shock on her face. “As for Finn, he will do whatever he
wants.”
Ella fights to stay composed. She puts her gloves on to get back to work. I guess that’s my cue to
go. I linger a moment. She gives me a smile before I go but I have to wonder if I have made an enemy.
15
I wake up at dawn as planned. I get dressed slowly, almost as if performing a ritual. Those little
morning steps, such as getting my pants and boots on or combing my hair, have accompanied me all
my life. They help me to stay grounded and focused.
Joshua was supposed to fly the space pod to the plantation but I have asked for Wade’s
assistance instead. Nobody says no to me. I have quietly been put in charge of the mission and it’s up to me to organize every little detail.
I check my backpack to make sure I have what I need. No guns, just my communication and
tracking devices along with some food and water. Guns are of no use where I’m going. The receptor
stays in my pocket within inches from my hand.
There’s a knock on the door and a moment later Finn walks in.
“Ready?” he says. He looks tired and concerned and it makes me wonder if he has slept at all.
“I think so,” I say. “It’s not like I will need much anyway.”
I smile at him not knowing where to take the conversation. I start going through the items in my
backpack again. It’s better than to stare at him.
It has crossed my mind more than once that I will lose him to Ella. That her influence on him
will grow while mine diminishes. I know I have no right to feel like that. I also know that if something goes wrong today, I stand to lose a lot more than Finn.
“Is there anything that you need?” he says as I pick up the backpack and put the straps around my
shoulders.
“Nope, got everything I need. All ready to go.”
“Freya, wait,” he says as I’m heading for the door. “About the other night, I think maybe…”
“It’s okay,” I cut him off. “You don’t owe me any explanations.” If he’s serious about Ella, I
don’t want to know. Not right now.
“That’s the thing, I kind of feel like I do owe you an explanation,” he says. “I have given you
grief about not trusting me with the truth over and over and then I keep things from you.”
I touch his right cheek softly and let my fingers linger there. “Well, maybe I deserve that.” My
voice breaks. I don’t want him to feel guilty but I still do. Maybe now more than ever.
I feel tears rolling down my cheeks and I have no idea where they’ve come from. They burn my
skin and challenge my resolutions. “I’m so sorry, Finn.” I say. “Please don’t tell the others about this.
They might lose confidence.”
“I would never tell them, Freya,” he says with his soft voice that feels like home.
“I’ve been dreadful to you. I could never apologize enough,” I say and I know he can see again
how much I love him. “I want you to be happy. You owe me nothing at all. Be happy, Finn.”
He remains silent for so long that I start to worry he will never speak. “I make you cry,” he says
finally. “I don’t want to make you cry.”
“It’s not you,” I say. “I cry all the time now. Tobias opened up my heart.”
I find myself in the familiar space of his arms. I close my eyes when he pulls me in for a kiss.
Now that he’s opening up to me, I realize how lonely I have been for the past year.
He pulls the backpack straps off my shoulders so it drops to the floor. He kisses my face and
neck. He wipes the tears off my cheeks and then he searches
for my lips again. I kiss him back like
it’s the only thing left in the world that matters. I feel his warmth and strength expand and contract at the tip of my fingers. I finally let go of the anxiety that has been holding me in its clutches since we returned to Earth. I relax into my own body. And then reality strikes back.
“Finn,” I whisper when he gives me a moment to breathe. “What does this mean?”
“Don’t you know?” he says.
“I’m tired of mixed signals. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”
Seriousness and concern return on his face. He suddenly becomes aware of all the reasons that
he shouldn’t be kissing me. I see it in his eyes and I feel it in the way he lets go of me. He has
forgiven me but he cannot forget.
“It can wait,” he says. “The things that we have to say to each other. You’re right. What I’m
doing is not fair to you or Ella. She should not be lied to. She deserves better than that.”
“You’re a good man, Finn,” I say. I’m afraid this offended him somehow or made him question
my feelings for him.
We’re both saved by buzzing touchpads. Theo’s letting us know it’s time.
“You’re going to change the world, Tick,” Finn says and picks up my backpack from the floor.
The distance between us is ever narrowing and widening. The only way I can keep him close
forever is to love him completely. I know that now.
The sweet fragrance of dawn blended with the sorrow of departure assaults my nostrils. Wade
waits for me by the space pod with the engines on.
“Go get them, Freya,” Nya says and hugs me. Zoe hugs us both and we stay like this for a few
seconds.
I sense a shadow moving within the trees. I find Shy Boy there. My faithful, brave Shy Boy
waiting to say goodbye to me one more time.
“You stay put, you hear me?” I say. “Don’t you try to follow me. Pip would never forgive me if
anything happened to you.”
How many more times am I going to have to do this? I think to myself when Theo gives me a
new chip for one of my touchpads. Always leaving, never knowing if I will come back. Is this how
it’s going to be?
I place the chip in the touchpad and hand it over to Finn. “You will communicate with the Dark
Legion through this device,” I say. “Kroll will be waiting for your command. It will all go according
[scifan] plantation - books one to three Page 42
