by James Kelman
Fuck… Sammy waited a wee minute then opened up. How the hell d’ye get my address?
Aw, well, that was easy.
Sammy waited a moment then shut and locked the door after him. The guy launched right into a spiel: The mind’s a funny thing, mine works at tangents, all different directions. Even when I’m in front of the authorities for one case my head’s off working on other yins. That woman I telt ye about, I’m repping her claim this afternoon, but there’s gony be bits of me preoccupied with other people, and that includes you. It’s no as daft as it sounds cause her fight’s more logical than anything else so believe it or not what that means is yer head can escape. Mine does anyway. See there’s nay right of appeal in cases like hers so ye have to root about for faulty reasoning that allows ye in on a point of formal order, what ye might call conceptual abuse; then ye wallop them for an adjournment. Ye have to concentrate hard, but it’s the kind of concentration that takes care of itself. There’s something for ye to sign as well.
What d’ye say?
There’s something for ye to sign, if ye’ve nay objections.
What is it?
Just a formality. I dont suppose ye’ve a cup of tea?
Sammy stood the stick against the wall just in from the door then led him into the kitchen and put on the kettle. There’s nay milk.
Any lemon?
Is that a joke or what?
Naw, lemon tea’s a good thirst quencher.
What time is it?
Twenty past five.
Fucking hell.
I figured ye for an early bird.
Fucking early bird. Sit down on the stool and I’d appreciate it if ye didnay touch nothing.
What like?
Ye know what I’m talking about… Sammy waited a moment, then went to the bathroom.
When he came back Ally said, I happened to mention ye to the missis and a couple of points came out of it
Ye were discussing me with yer missis?
Aye well what I find – I dont know about you – what I find for some things, ye’re better having another person; ye tend to sort out yer ideas in a more methodical way. Plus if it’s to do with say a relationship, then ye’re better having two of ye, it stands to reason.
Ye could hear the water heating. Sammy found the kettle and held the handle.
Ally said, I rinsed a couple of mugs and stuck in the teabags. Was it coffee ye wanted?
I telt ye no to touch nothing.
I didnay think ye would have meant that. Anyway just to continue: what I feel now is it’s important ye tell me about yer lady friend and also the Saturday, the way ye say it’s blanked out. Theoretically it might sound immaterial but it isnay. Remember ye’ve changed yer mind back to the first onset time ye telt the DSS. Again it’s consistency we’re looking for. Now it’s an obvious point that the more I know the better – cause they’re gony know everything and like I say it’s hopeless if they know more than me – but look, I can also work some of it into my presentation, the kind of stuff you probably think is irrelevant. They’ll try to stop me cause it doesnay pertain to medical matters, that’s what they’ll argue; but one way or the other I’ll get it in. It’ll be a help. It’s no quite a character reference I’m talking about, no as such, but it’s a wee bit like it. What time ye going up with yer charity referral by the way?
No till the afternoon.
Ah well Sammy ye know sometimes it’s better hitting them first thing in the morning. I could maybe give ye a walk up if ye like.
Nah thanks anyway Ally; it’s just I’ve things to do – a good offer but, ta… It’s personal stuff… Sammy sniffed then touched the kettle; just about boiling. After a wee minute Ally said, Did I tell ye we were going for an adjournment on Friday?
Eh… Now the water was boiling; he felt for the cups: Want to pour it out?
Aye.
Sammy stepped aside and rolled himself a fag. An adjournment, he said. What is there nay appeal?
An appeal? well aye, but we’re no at that stage yet, that’s later. This isnay the same as that woman’s case, if that’s what ye’re thinking about.
Right, well, whatever; you’re the man.
Naw it’s just the way I see it Sammy, an adjournment’s the best way forward.
Is it a formality?
No quite, ye have to show sufficient grounds. We should swing it but. Ye ever lodged compen or Dys Ben claims like this afore?
Eh no personally but I know a guy that did.
What happened?
I dont know.
Was it a sightloss?
Naw.
See I mean if it was a straightforward loss of what we might call an objective function, like a limb or something, then fair enough but the eyes are something else; so’s the hearing by the way, it’s the same; and the touch. There’s a group of people been fighting to get sensory functions into their own category; they formed their own society – och years ago. But ye could get in touch with them if ye feel like it. They do a lot of lobbying in parliament and stuff like that, they get MPs to talk for them and councillors, that kind of thing. I think I signed one of their petitions once.
Hey what ye doing!
A sudden noise of cups and plates and crockery. Now the tap got turned on. Ally said: I thought I would fill yer basin and do a couple of dishes while we were talking.
Dont.
Just while we’re talking? There’s a lot of stuff here.
Naw.
Ye sure?
I just dont want ye doing my dishes Ally, alright? I can fucking do them myself.
Aye okay. Just ye see I find it helps me think better, if I’m doing something, a physical activity, and we havenay much time left: they’ll only find for the adjournment if I can point them to the very strong liklihood of fresh evidence.
So?
So it’s better if we can get on as quick as we can. And by the way while we’re on the subject, the thing ye’ve got to sign… Like I says, it’s a formality, but it’s important. It’s just to say yer claims go ahead at all costs. Okay? Ally sniffed.
…
Ye with me?
Naw.
Well I’ve seen a lot of folk left high and dry, I’m talking about relations; families, wives and kiddies. You’ve got a wee boy for instance.
He’s fifteen.
Aye well he’s still a boy for all that. I’m being square with ye cause I know that’s the kind of guy ye are.
Dont con me Ally what ye on about?
Ye appreciate straight talking.
What ye fucking saying?
I’m saying it’s a formality; ye should sign the form; just in the event of whatever, the claims going through, if they’re posthumous, it’s straightforward. There again but even although it’s straightforward ye get a lot of folk dont sign and then that’s them beat, not only them but their nearest and dearest. Cause you’ve got to say it yerself, you the customer I’m talking about, ye have to tell them ye want yer claim to proceed at all costs. I mean it’s nay good the nearest and dearest coming up later on and saying they want it on your behalf; it doesnay work that way. It’s all down to you yerself. Ye follow? Plus you’re a fighter if ye dont mind me saying, so ye’re no wanting to let them off the hook, the authorities, no as such, ye’re wanting to take them the full distance. Am I reading ye right?
…
The DSS didnay let it slip?
Let what slip?
Naw. See under the regulations they’re no empowered to use discretion on that yin. It’s cause of the sensibilities, that’s what they say. It’s like doctors, how they dont tell ye things about yerself, they say it’ll hurt the sensibilities. Lawyers are the same. So’s the DSS, they’ve got the power to keep the customer ignorant if they think it’s in the customer’s best interests, we’re talking health-wise; ignorance is bliss, that’s what they say, if they tell the customer the truth it just makes him anxious – or her as the case may be – it leads to panic-attacks and mental instability, and that’s
bad for society as a whole. We’re talking vote-catchers here. If they get a bad press. I mean ye take these quality newspapers, if ye read them, that’s what they’re aye saying.
Ally what ye fucking talking about?
I’m talking about yer own best interests in respect of yer wee boy or yer ex-wife or else yer lady-friend; it’s your own decision; whoever ye want to get what’s due ye, in the event of one or both claims receiving posthumous settlement. That’s what they dont tell ye, that’s how ignorance isnay bliss, it just costs ye dough. I dont know about you Sammy but I wouldnay let them off with a penny. A lot of people just say, Get to fuck – pardon the language, it’s a quote – they just want to die and get out the road. But what I say is, Naw! hold that result, dont just die, screw them to the bitter end, hang on in there, empty their pockets. Cause it isnay their pockets either Sammy it’s ours, so we’re only getting what’s due us so’s we can leave it to the nearest and dearest.
Fucking hell.
I’m being straight with ye.
Sammy shook his head. He lifted the cup of tea and sipped at it.
It’s just business that has to be attended to. It’s the same as making a will. Come on, I know it’s hard.
Fuck sake.
Is yer stomach sore?
Aye.
Have ye got hernia trouble?
Naw.
I have – hiatus – I dont eat at regular intervals then there’s all the running about I do; plus the personal stuff, ye’re supposed to distance yerself from it; any rep’ll tell ye. Sometimes ye cannay but that’s the problem. Take that woman’s case I was talking about; I’ve been involved with it now for seven years. It’s posthumous. It wasnay when I started right enough she was alive and kicking. All her family’s dropped off one by one and her last remaining next of kin’s somewhere in Bangladesh, in a wee village, some auld timer or other. So even when I say it doesnay take up all my mind it doesnay mean I’m no involved. Emotionally I am involved. I just try and keep to the business, I root about the logical stuff. When we’re up the PBO on Friday morning ye’ll see me operating. It’s no a boast Sammy, with respect, I’m no a boasting type of guy. Ye’re gony watch me in action and ye’ll think, What kind of unfeeling bastard is this I’ve got repping me! That’s what ye’ll think and ye’ll be entitled. But I cannay be at a disadvantage. Cause if I’m at a disadvantage then so are you. And it’s worse for you cause I’m no you I’m just yer rep. Ye telt me that yesterday and ye were quite right. I also need another signature off ye; it’s to confirm I am yer rep, and that to whom it may concern I’m to receive thirty-three and a third percent of all lump-sum one-off gratuity awards that might be received in respect of one, the compen; and two, the backdated Dysfunctional Benefit. I’ll read it all out if ye like.
Yeh, aye… Sammy nodded, fingering the edge of the stubble at the side of his neck; ten days now, it was beginning to feel hairy instead of bristly.
He had nay gripe at what Ally was telling him. It was fair enough. Nay gripe at all. He couldnay think of one. Ye would like to think there was a way out but there wasnay. Ye put yer affairs in order. It was the right thing to do. Ye could even smile about it. Byoioioiong.
Ye’ve nay objections…?
Eh naw.
Good. See sometimes ye get a guy snuffs it afore settlement and then the nearest and dearest turns round and says, I dont know this guy. And they’re maybe talking about the very guy that’s laboured to win them the claim! It isnay fair, and it isnay justified, with respect, no as such. Like I’m saying ye can fight cases for years and ye have to foot all the bills yerself; it’s nay joke – I’m no saying there’s a lot of bills but there’s a principle involved, and where’s there’s principles there’s money, one way or another, ye with me?
Aye mate it’s okay, I take what ye’re saying.
Aye good Sammy I thought ye would. I’m glad ye’ve supped the porridge, it gives ye a perspective, that’s what I find. I dont regret the time I done; not at all; being honest I’m glad I done it.
Ye do yer crime ye take yer time.
Ally chuckled. Mind you, I was actually there under false pretences. I was innocent.
Ah well, that’s the way it goes. Ye want another cup of tea?
Naw I’ve got to be going soon. See I spent that much time on my own individual case I got to know about cases in general.
It happens.
It does, aye. Naw but what happened, my family support group was campaigning hard on the outside and there was me on the inside, scuppering the good work. Jeesoh ye want to have seen one statement I sent out as a press-release to the letter pages of all the qualities. Dear sir, I says, or madam, I says, to the editor: I says, if you ask me the authorities are making a major error victimising all these innocent people. With respect, I says, it just serves to educate them in the protocols and procedures of the due processes of state and this cannot be good for society as a whole, I says, bla bla bla. I was a sarcastic buggar even then. But I was thinking ‘vote-catcher’ at the same time so I wasnay that naive. Too verbose but too verbose, the usual; trying to be smart – showing off Sammy ye undertand me?
Aye.
It happens when ye’re young. Mind you, I knew enough to know they probably wouldnay publish me. Some of these guys inside, they used to do their nut because their letters wound up in the shredder, they thought because they were innocent that was enough. Here… Ally took Sammy’s hand and gave him a pen, and guided him to where he was to sign. Just sign there and then the other yin. Okay now? Ye know what ye’re signing?
Nay bother Ally nay bother.
Naw, but what they done, just to show me who was boss, one of the qualities DID publish my letter. But see I had made a bloomer, I spelt ‘victimising’ wrong, I spelt it with an ‘o’ for ‘victom’ instead of with an ‘i’ for ‘victim’. So they just left it in. And then they done an insert, the buggars, they stuck a wee SIC beside it. That was all they done. So easy! Hh! Ally chuckled. Ye pay a lot of dough for a lesson like that on the outside. Ye know what that means by the way, a wee SIC? S.I.C., eh?
Aye.
So that was what they bloody done. It’s no as if I didnay know how to spell the damn word either, ‘victomising’, that was the worst of it, it was just a daft mistake; a kind of printing error. But that was enough. Tell ye something but it took me a while to get ower it; saps yer confidence that kind of thing; plus the age I was. Then too it knocked my support group back a fair bit.
Terrible. Sammy said, Does this no have to get witnessed by the way?
Informally it does but it aye stands up in court if ye know the game. They’re no like wills in that respect… Ally took the papers. Speaking personally but I do get them witnessed cause it saves hassle, especially in the event of some new legislation getting brought in. Which is what happens; just when ye think ye’ve got up to date, wallop, they hit ye with a new load of rules and points of order.
Sammy rolled a smoke. Ye sure ye dont want another cup?
Naw, thanks. Just a couple of questions then I’ll be off. See I woke up this morning dead early, never mind it’s spring the birdies werenay even chirping. I was worrying ower what the missis said. As soon as the eyes opened that was what I was thinking about and I thought, aye, she’s right, even if it doesnay matter to the case in substance I’ve still got to know. Even just so’s I can disregard it; it might no be something we’ll use and it might no be something they’ll use but still and all, I cannay take the chance. Now I dont know much about the bevy, no being a drinking man. And the wife’s what ye call a country girl so she isnay too up on it either though where she came from it was a wee settlement – kind of what ye might call peasants – but they made their own homebrew and boy let me tell ye it was potent stuff; so she isnay entirely ignorant.
So?
So naw, I mean, but if me and her fight the whole stair knows. She’s a noisy woman. She screams.
Helen doesnay, my girlfriend, she goes silent.
Ye mean she�
��s no a talker?
That’s right.
Mm.
Some females arenay.
Well I’m no that experienced with females, I’ve got to admit it.
Sammy dried the corners of his mouth; for some reason the bristles kept getting wet. He puffed to get the roll-up burning.
See I’m just going ower the hurdle of the bad row and what I know from the evidence scheduled which suggests ye’re alleging blank-out the whole of Saturday.
That’s right.
The whole of Saturday?
More or less, aye. There was a couple of clear patches right enough; ye just come to now and again, like ye’ve just woke up. Then ye’re away again. I didnay wake up till the Sunday morning.
Yeh I read that. So ye ever suffered epilepsy, or any related forms?
Naw.
Never?
What d’ye no believe me?
Sammy it’s no a question of belief come on!
Well fair enough but you’re no a drinker.
Did the DSS and the police department accept yer explanation?
I didnay give them one, they were more interested in the Friday.
Are ye an alcoholic?
I take a drink.
Aye but are ye an alcoholic?
Naw; I dont think so.
See obviously they’ll argue that that’s a major contributory factor to the sightloss I mean if it affects yer brain like that then obviously it can affect yer eyes, cause yer brain controls yer eyes. Have ye ever had diabetic problems?
Naw.
See all that kind of medical stuff Sammy, if it occurs to the likes of me then it’ll occur to them to the power a zillion. They’ve got the best legal and medical experts in the country, the most powerful brains in the business, everybody money can buy; whereas the likes of you and me, we’re stuck with each other. You need me to give ye a hand with the procedures and the protocols and I need you to help me out with the personal evidence, medical and otherwise – for what it’s worth, the problem being you can only see it from inside yer own body, and that isnay good enough cause it isnay open to what they call verification. So that’s what we’re up against. Mind you, without knowing nothing about booze I’ve got an impulse makes me believe ye arenay an alcoholic. But that doesnay go in yer favour necessarily; it helps ye with the sightloss causation but goes against ye on other things, including the continued absence of yer good lady-friend. Same with the epilepsy and the diabetes: yer doctor wouldnay mention them, nay medical authority would, it’s the kind of thing they keep up their sleeve. Now yer negative diabetes might be good for yer sightloss but yer negative epilepsy is probably bad for the blanked-out Saturday. It’s no that they’re incompatible, no as such, but with respect to yerself they present a kind of overall pattern that suggests inconsistency and this makes the authorities confident they’ll find a way to beat ye in the long run. And once they’ve got that confidence they’ll beat ye anyway – even if they dont get a proof. Ye’ve got to remember it isnay up to them to find a proof. That’s up to you, cause it’s you that’s pursuing the claims. They only need to say they’ve beat ye and that means they can dismiss the case. They’re what ye call an autonomous body, they dont have to account to authorities higher than themselves – except in the case of the Chairperson who’s always a lay-officer of the cloth. In fact it’s useful for us if ye profess a belief in the good god almighty; it doesnay matter which good god almighty; no even if ye profess a belief in more than one – good gods almighties I’m talking about.
