by Donna Flynn
“Katie?” my mother called through the door. I knew she had heard me crying and she did not wait for an answer before walking into the room and sitting next to me on the bed, her gaze full of sympathy. “Would you like to talk about it?” She smoothed her hand over my back offering comfort.
My mother was truly my best friend and the only one I could turn to about my puzzling feelings for Aidan, since she knew what he was. I wasn’t sure she would understand, or even be happy to know how I was feeling about their prince, but I needed to confide in someone before I went insane. “I’m so confused, Mom. I have these feelings for Aidan that I never felt before and I’m afraid I might never feel again with anyone else.”
“Oh, my sweet Angel, I had hoped you would be older before you began to feel these things, but as with all things nature decides when you become a woman, not your age. Believe it or not, I do understand how you feel for Aidan, but you are so young and we want you to live a little before you act on those feelings.”
I was surprised by how easily she seemed to accept my words but glad she wasn’t making me feel like a child. “Everyone’s so angry and he’s leaving. I’m not sure how I am going to handle him not being here,” I confessed.
“No one wants you to be unhappy. Believe me, that has never been our goal, but you need experience with other males before you can take on the kind of relationship someone like Aidan needs. Eventually he would have to bring his mate into the vampire world if she is to survive amongst us, and that choice is not one that should be made by one as young as you are. Your father and I want you to enjoy being human for now. Any decisions regarding your future can be made when you’re older and have a better grasp of what you want in the future.”
She was direct but not condescending, and I appreciated her insight. Everything she said was true. I was young, immature, and not ready for the kind of relationship I knew Aidan needed, but my heart didn’t want to hear that. “I’m so confused. For most of my life I felt as if there were something else I should be doing, as if I hadn’t really found my calling, but when I am with Aidan everything feels right. With him, I feel like I am whole and where I belong.” Most mothers would have scoffed, but she didn’t. She just smiled ruefully and patted my hand.
“I know how you feel, honey; trust me, I have been where you are, but you are human and so very young. Aidan is a vampire, the prince of our people, and has great responsibilities. He will never be able to have the kind of relationship with you that other human males your age can.” She hugged me close, and I savored the comforting smell of vanilla and spice that wafted around her. In that moment I wanted so badly to be a child again so things would return to the way they were before that kiss, but I had the feeling that now that I had fallen for Aidan things would never be normal again.
“Sweetheart, I love you, and you can talk to me anytime, no matter what the problem. I will always be there for you,” she assured me.
“Thank you, Mom.” I hugged her again and she left, leaving me alone to think about everything she had said. The feelings I had for Aidan were more consuming than a teenage crush. When he was near I felt alive and whole, and when he wasn’t, well, I didn’t even want to go there. Just the idea of him leaving made me morose. I needed to get out of my room and think, so I headed to where I always went when I was upset or needed time to myself, the garden.
Beth was waiting for me outside my door when I exited, but she seemed to know I craved privacy and just followed along next to me silently, her efficient eyes missing nothing as we walked the short distance to the garden entrance. After a quick scan of the area, she allowed me to enter the garden, taking a post at the entrance where she could keep her eyes on me but allow me the solitude I had been seeking.
I walked the many twisted paths, stopping to smell the last fragrant blooms of summer as I thought about how different my life had become since my horrendous date with Scott. My wanderings took me to the place where all of my new feelings for Aidan had begun. I stood staring at the flower-covered gazebo where he had kissed me with tears clouding my eyes, overcome with emotion. Something had happened that night, something inside of me had come to life, and now my heart was breaking at the thought of his leaving, despite knowing it was for the best.
“Katie,” Aidan called behind me, his heavy voice an indication of the conversation to come.
I turned and watched him approach with panther-like grace, my heart racing in anticipation of being near him, even though I dreaded what he was about to say. I met his sorrow-filled eyes with my own and shuddered involuntarily. I knew what was coming but it was like an accident. You see it but cannot turn away, even though you know you should.
He took my hand in his own, his mouth lifting into a half-hearted smile as he stared at the sparks dancing between our fingers. He led me to the bench inside of the gazebo and pulled me down to sit beside him. “I need to leave for awhile,” he said softly.
I tried not to let him see how his words affected me as the moment I had been dreading came to fruition, but I flinched involuntarily and he winced.
To his credit, he tried to make it easier by lying about the reason he was leaving, but we both knew the lie for what it was. “I’m going to be very busy traveling for a while, handling some things I have been putting off, so I won’t have time to visit. But I did not want you to feel as if I had abandoned you.” His jaw clenched and he turned away from me. “I wish…” His voice broke, his head dropped, and I was overwhelmed with the amount of torment his leaving me was causing him.
My first reaction was to ease his upset, even though inside I was dying and wanting to scream out my frustrations. “You don’t have to explain. I understand. Of course you need to go, I am sure there are others of your kind who need you and problems you must see to.” I am not going to cry, I am not going to cry, I repeated in my head as if I could will that to happen, but I could feel the tears forming in my eyes even as I repeated the mantra in my head repeatedly.
“This will be good for you. Your life will be easier, less complicated, if I am not around,” he explained, lifting his head to meet my gaze.
As our eyes met, I was besieged by the emotions he was feeling. I felt his despair at the idea of leaving me, the pain he felt for hurting me, and, most importantly the all-encompassing love he had always felt for me. That glimpse into his true feelings was enough for me to realize what was between us wasn’t one-sided at all. That I wasn’t the only one who would be hurt by our parting and, knowing that, something inside of me snapped. I couldn’t believe that if he felt the way I did he would just go. And as unreasonable as it was, I had to tell him how I felt.
“Better for me, for you, or my family?” I asked. His eyes grew wide, and I rose to my feet before him and confronted what he had been trying to hide from me, what they had all been trying to hide. “I know how you feel about me, Aidan. I’m not asking you to declare your undying love for me, but I want you to understand that I know. I get that it’s too soon, that I’m too young, but let us not pretend this is for any other reason than what it is. My family is afraid, you’re afraid, and to be honest, even I am afraid of what is between us. It is too much, too overpowering, too consuming. I’m afraid I am falling …” I realized what I was about to admit I was in love with him and stopped talking. It would do no good to say it out loud, to give it meaning when there was nothing either of us could do about it. I dropped my head and turned to walk away, too embarrassed to continue, but he grabbed my shoulder and turned me to face him.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he hissed, as if it were too painful to admit. “I never wanted to bring you this pain. It is too soon for us. This should never have happened now; you’re not old enough to fully understand the implications of a relationship with me and I refuse to take advantage of your youth to get what I want. The feelings I have for you are intense. They consume me day and night, urging me to claim what I want most, regardless of the consequences. You cannot possibly understand what it would mean if
I was to lose control around you, and I don’t want to make that mistake. I don’t want to find you only to lose you because of my lack of control. I have to do the right thing and walk away now, before something neither one of us could live with happens.” He put his hand under my chin and lifted my face so I was staring into his beautiful blue eyes. The agony I saw there was humbling, and tears rolled down my cheeks freely. “I can’t stay; I am trying to reconcile these new feelings I have for you, and I do not trust myself to just take what I want and let the consequences be damned.” His eyes pleaded with me to understand, and although I was trying, it hurt unbelievably. “Please do not despise me for doing the right thing by you.” He moved closer and in a moment of weakness, his lips brushed mine.
It felt so right when he kissed me and I responded eagerly, wrapping my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his luxurious hair as the kiss deepened. I was lost, consumed by him and the emotions that flooded me, completely overrun by desire for the man who held me.
He pulled away, looking as startled as I felt by the emotion that flared so easily between us. “This is why I must go; I forget everything when I am with you. I fail to remember how very young you are and how much more growing you have to do before we can be together.” He took a deep breath and went on. “I am begging you, Katie. Live. Let yourself experience all life has to offer. Can you do that?” I nodded but he wanted more assurance. “Promise me. Promise you will do as I ask.”
“I will, I promise,” I whispered, unable to deny him anything.
“Thank you,” he whispered, hugging me close, and placing a gentle kiss on my lips. “I will be around for a few more days while I wrap a few things up, but I think it is best for us to make this our goodbye,” he said, before disappearing into the night.
I looked around the garden, feeling lost and unsure what to do. He wasn’t even really gone yet, and already I felt his absence deep within me. I hugged my arms around myself, fighting back the tears that threatened to fall, as I moved slowly toward the house. In a zombielike state I walked inside and up the stairs before locking myself in my room. Then I let the tears I had been desperately holding back fall freely. I cried throughout the night until my pillow was soaked with tears and I could no longer keep my red, swollen eyes open. And then I dreamed: horrible dreams, which had me panting for air and crying out far into the night.
Chapter Ten
I forced myself to get ready for school the next day, doing all I could to hide the damage the night of misery had done to my face, but my tear-swollen eyes and red nose were still visible even after my desperate attempts to cover them with makeup. I gave up and picked up my bag, then went downstairs. My family, I knew, would not be happy to see me in such a sad state, but I was unable to do anything about it.
The look of sympathy in my mother’s eyes was too much as she handed me my breakfast plate, so I escaped to the dining room with a muttered thanks. I sat and picked at my food in the empty room, thankful my father had seen fit to give me space, before walking outside to find Paul waiting for me.
My brother swore under his breath as he noted the dark circles under my eyes but said nothing until we arrived at the parking lot of our school.
“I am sorry,” he muttered after helping me out of the truck.
“Why? This is what you wanted, isn’t it, for Aidan to leave? You should be ecstatic,” I reminded him.
“All I wanted was for you to be happy and live your life the way it should be without his interference.”
“Well, now I can,” I sneered, turning and walking away, leaving poor Beth to scramble after me.
*****
“What’s wrong?” Jess asked worriedly as I opened my locker.
“I don’t feel well,” I lied. I could tell by the look on her face she did not believe me, but to her credit she did not push me for more. She just patted my arm and kept close to me the rest of the day, her presence a comfort even if I could not talk to her about my feelings for Aidan.
The day passed with an agonizing slowness. Thoughts of Aidan and his impending departure kept me in a funk and I found myself swiping tears from my eyes often and making excuses to leave the classroom just so I could be alone. I practically ran to the parking lot at the end of the afternoon, eager to go home so I could wallow in my misery without so many people bearing witness.
Beth and Paul respected my need for silence as we drove home. Once there, I went directly to my room and sat for hours, trying not to think about Aidan or his leaving. I put on the television but could not find anything to watch; I tried to read but could not concentrate. Finally, I gave up on anything remotely fun and decided to just do my homework. I grabbed my book bag, took out my books, and reached in the front pocket for my mp3 player but couldn’t find it. I searched everywhere, but came up empty-handed. I remembered then Aidan tossing my bag into his car the day before and realized it must have fallen out.
Needing the release my music gave me, I trudged to the garage, where I knew his car was parked when not in use. I switched on the light, walked to where the vehicle sat under its cover, and pulled it back enough to get inside of the passenger door, unprepared for the horrific sight that greeted me.
I gasped loudly as I looked over the mangled wreck that was Aidan’s car lying before me. The front and hood of the car was smashed back into the vehicle, the windshield had a large, gaping hole in the center, and there was the coppery scent of blood in the air that freaked me out. As if compelled, I walked to the driver’s side of the car and lost my breath when I saw the door hanging precariously on its hinges, bent back like the lid of a can to reveal massive amounts of blood staining the cream-colored seats and tan carpet.
Fear for Aidan filled me. I knew vampires were nearly invincible, but with the amount of blood I saw in the car an irrational panic set in. Before I could even consider the foolishness of my actions I ran for the guesthouse, praying the entire way that his injuries were not as bad as I imagined them to be. Which, of course, was the worst possible scenario my overactive mind could conjure.
Sometime during my hibernation in my room, it had started raining and the ground was wet under my bare feet, making me slip more than once as I ran recklessly forward. The wind was cold, slapping against my rain-soaked clothes as I raced down the pavement and across the gravel driveway toward the guesthouse. But I ignored the shivers of my body and continued on, needing to know for my sanity that he was unharmed. Once at the guesthouse, I pounded on the door repeatedly until the lights came on and the door opened…to reveal a hale and healthy- looking Aidan.
He stared at me in shock for one brief moment, taking in my disheveled appearance and heaving chest, before he pulled me close with a growl, wrapping me in his embrace. “Katie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Tears ran down my face, and my body shook as I stood in his arms sobbing, oblivious of the rain pouring down over us. He hugged me closer and I savored the feel of his arms around me, giving a silent thanks to God that he was alive and well.
“It’s okay, whatever it is, I’ll protect you. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” I tried, but the words would not come. I was not sure how long we stood there with me crying while he whispered calming words, until finally he pulled away and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Can you tell me what happened now?”
“I wanted my mp3 player,” I explained my voice shaky and barely audible. “I thought it might be in your car, so I went to get it.”
I could see he understood instantly what must have happened, and he rushed to reassure me. “I’m fine. Do you know how hard it would be to kill me? One little car accident is not going to do it.”
“Little!” I screeched, upset he seemed so calm about the entire thing. “Aidan, that car is a complete wreck.”
“It was nothing. I was going too fast and not paying attention. My car went off the road and hit a tree. It looks worse than it really was.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked, unable to believe his cavalier atti
tude. “Your car is mangled. If you were human, you would be dead right now!”
“But I am not human,” he reminded me with a half smile. “I am sorry this incident has upset you so much, but I am fine. Really.”
“I didn’t know, no one told me; I saw the car and all of that blood,” I rambled on feeling utterly stupid for overacting. Of course he was fine. He was a vampire, able to withstand injuries that would kill humans. But still, I had been horrified.
“I’m fine, really. Look at me, not a scratch.” He stepped back and I looked him over, seeing no obvious signs of injury.
“I just thought…I’m sorry...” I turned to go.
“Katie, wait.”
I stopped walking and turned to face him. The desire was obvious as he slowly raked my body with his heated gaze, taking in my sopping-wet tank top and shorts with an intensity that made me blush.
With a growl, he shook his head and appeared before me. “Let me take you back to the house.” His arms trembled as he picked me up, cradling me against him. My head fell against his shoulder, and I closed my eyes as he moved quickly across the driveway and through the house.
Once inside my bedroom he placed me carefully upon my feet and a towel appeared almost magically in his hands, which he wrapped around me before handing me dry pajamas and pushing me towards the bathroom.
I dried my hair, changed numbly, and walked back out to my room expecting him to be gone, surprised when I opened the door to find him there waiting for my return. Without a word, he picked me up and carried me to the bed. With a sweep of his hand, he moved back the covers, gently laid me down, and covered me with the warm blankets. I looked away, unable to bear saying goodbye to him again, but he turned my face toward him, his eyes boring into mine.
