by Joan Hohl
“Tina.”
Frowning with the effort to concentrate, she kept on, unable now to stop, unaware and uncaring.
“Tina!”
Dirk. Oh, Dirk. Sobbing, yet no longer knowing why, Tina stumbled to her knees. Her tortured breaths a sound of agony, she closed her eyes as her head dropped to the sand.
“Oh, my God. Tina!”
She vaguely heard the beloved, familiar voice as she slid into the comforting arms of oblivion.
When Tina opened her eyes she was in the big double bed and the room was flooded with morning sunshine. The details of how she’d gotten back to the house, let alone into the bed, were a mystery to her fuzzy brain. One thing was certain; it was morning. The morning of Christmas Eve? Tina asked herself.
Christmas Eve. Dirk was coming today!
Flinging back the covers, Tina sat up, groaning at the stiffness in her muscles. Then, her mental fuzziness dissipating, she remembered bits and pieces of the day before; her foolish overexertion on the beach, the sound of someone calling to her, her collapse on the sand. Had it really been Dirk calling to her?
Ignoring the aches in her body, Tina rose, scooping up her robe and sliding her arms into the sleeves as she hurried from the room.
She found Dirk in the kitchen, sitting at the table, a cup cradled in his hands, in much the same manner as the day after their wedding. However there was one glaring difference in his appearance. This morning Dirk looked overdrawn and exhausted, his face pale, his eyes shadowed, and perhaps the most startling thing of all to Tina, his clothes rumpled as if he’d slept in them.
As she entered the room, Dirk glanced up quickly and Tina’s breath caught in her throat at the haggard, harried look of his face. The eyes that observed her passage into the room were dark and rimmed with red. Had he been crying? she wondered.
Shaken, yet unable to accept the idea of Dirk crying for any reason, Tina continued in a straight line to the coffeepot.
“How are you feeling?”
The hoarse, hesitant note in Dirk’s voice arrested Tina’s hands midway to the coffeepot. Was he coming down with a cold? she speculated, completing the action of pouring the dark brew into a cup. A cold would explain the rough edge to his voice and the redness in his eyes. Staring out the window above the sink, Tina answered without looking at him.
“I feel stiff and achy, and more than a little foolish.” Turning slowly, she met his burning stare directly. “Was it you I heard calling me? Did you bring me home and put me to bed?”
“Yes. Beth helped me get you into bed. She was pretty upset.” Dirk sighed tiredly. “And I was scared out of my mind.”
Though Tina had to bite her lip, she managed to face his brooding expression. “I ... I’m sorry, Dirk.”
“What the hell were you trying to do?” Dirk demanded raggedly, scraping the floor as he pushed back the chair and jerked to his feet.
Beginning to tremble in reaction, Tina bit down harder on her lip. “Nothing. I ... I don’t know.”
“Are you so very unhappy, Tina?” There was an odd sound to Dirk’s voice, as if there were something caught in his throat.
“Yes.” Unconscious of the pain, at least in her lip, Tina’s teeth sank deeper into the tender flesh.
“Is it me?” Dirk asked very softly.
“Yes.” Tina was shocked at the sudden taste of her own blood as her teeth pierced her lip. With a distracted flick of her tongue, she removed the ruby drop that welled there, her gaze intent on the spasm of pain that passed over Dirk’s features.
“Because I forced you into marriage?” he said huskily.
“No,” Tina replied sadly, “Because you don’t love me.”
“Not love you?” Dirk’s amazed expression might have been funny if his features hadn’t revealed pure agony. “I adore you. I’ve always adored you.” His body rigid with tension, his face pale, Dirk went on harshly, “Ever since the first day I walked into this house, into this very room, I’ve adored you!” Moving jerkily, he started toward her. “Tina, I—”
“But that’s not the same thing!” Tina cried over his bitter voice. “It’s not the same kind of love a man feels for a woman!” All restraint gone, Tina made no attempt to contain the tears that trickled down her face. “I’m not a little girl anymore, or even a teenager. I’m a woman and I need— Dirk!” she cried out as he grasped her by the shoulders and pulled her into his arms.
“I have needs too,” Dirk muttered, rubbing his cheek over her hair. “I need you. Oh, Tina,” he moaned, seeking the sensitive skin on the curve of her throat. “Tina, hold me. Love me. These last weeks have been sheer hell without you.” Lifting his head, Dirk brushed his lips over hers, then paused to draw her lower lip into his mouth, the tip of his tongue testing the texture of the delicate inner flesh. . A heady combination of ripe and sensual excitement bubbling through Tina sent her hands up to cradle his face. Capturing his teasing lips with her own, she let her deep kiss and her softening body convey the barrenness of her own last few weeks.
Even though Tina knew it would solve nothing, she didn’t protest when Dirk swung her into his arms, murmuring deep in his throat of a hunger raging out of control. Clinging to him, she buried her face in the curve of his neck as he strode through the house to the stairs.
“Beth.” Tina remembered the housekeeper as Dirk attained the landing at the top of the staircase.
Dirk’s arms tightened around her tensing body. “Beth left a little while ago to spend today and tomorrow with her sister and brother-in-law in Wildwood Crest,” he murmured tersely. “Even though she spends the holiday with them every year, she was undecided this morning whether to go or not. She was very concerned about you, Tina,” he chastised softly as he continued on into the bedroom and sat with her on the bed.
“I... I’m sorry.” Tina lowered her lashes in shame.
“You should be,” he chided gently. “You frightened both of us very badly ... and we both love you, you know.”
Tina’s lashes swept up, “Do you, Dirk?” she asked tremulously, gazing into his eyes steadily. The tender expression on his face caused a thickening tightness in her throat.
“Yes,” Dirk answered simply. “In one form or another, I always have.” Raising his hands, he cradled her face in his palms, drawing her to him as he lowered his mouth to hers. “Yes, Tina, I love you,” he whispered against her lips. “I suppose I always will. Oh, Tina, please say you love me too.”
“I do,” Tina sighed, seeking fuller contact with his mouth. “Dirk, you know I do.”
Their avowals were repeated, at times in impassioned gasps, at others in replete murmurs through what was left of the morning and into most of the afternoon.
The late afternoon sunlight spilling through the bathroom window struck burnished highlights off Dirk’s wet hair, and made Tina’s slick body gleam as they lathered each other between bouts of laughter and consuming kisses.
“For a man who had practically no sleep at all last night, I’m feeling pretty damned good,” Dirk declared, grinning as he stepped out of the shower and onto the bath mat beside Tina. “You feel pretty good too,” he teased, skimming his hands over her water-beaded breasts.
“If hollow from hunger,” Tina laughed, slipping away from his enticing fingers.
“Good Lord, that’s right!” Dirk’s stricken gaze skimmed her too slender form. “You missed dinner yesterday and you haven’t eaten a thing at all today.” His expression a study in self-reproach, he shook his head. “You know, you were right. I am a selfish bas—”
“Dirk,” Tina exclaimed, her feeling of well-being expanding at his obvious concern, “I refuse to listen to you talk that way about the man I love. The problem is easily solved— that is, if there’s anything to eat in the house?”
“Anything to eat?” Dirk laughed. “Beth ran amok preparing things for us. The refrigerator is on the point of bursting.”
“Well, then, what are we standing around for?” Tossing her sodden towel in the hamp
er, Tina dashed out of the bathroom, Dirk at her heels. “Let’s throw some clothes on and go relieve the poor thing of some of its burden.” Inside the bedroom she paused to give him a contemplative look. “On second thought, let’s relieve it of a lot of its burden. I feel like I could eat my way through a supermarket!”
An hour and forty odd minutes later, the remains of their feast littering the table, Tina, her robe sweeping the floor, walked to the coffeepot to refill their cups as Dirk sliced thick wedges of fruitcake.
Glancing casually out the window a soft “oh” whispered through Tina’s lips at the scene that met her gaze. Approximately two inches of glittering white snow covered the ground and clung to tree branches and fence posts.
Though her exclamation of appreciation was barely audible, Dirk heard it.
“What is it?” he murmured, sliding his arms around her waist as he came to a stop behind her.
“The snow.” Sighing, Tina rested her head against the warmth of his hard chest. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Yes,” Dirk agreed readily, then qualified, “Almost as beautiful as my wife.”
His wife. For the first time since he’d slipped the narrow platinum band on her finger, Tina truly felt she was Dirk’s wife. Loving him until she thought she’d die from the joy of it, Tina leaned against him, reveling in the strength he exuded, growing lightheaded with the musky masculine scent of him.
“Darling?” Dirk’s soft voice close to her ear enhanced the glow warming Tina from the inside out.
“Hmm?” Snuggling closer, Tina rubbed her cheek against the soft cotton T-shirt he’d pulled on along with washed-out jeans, luxuriating in the play of muscles in his chest and the natural body heat emanating from him.
Absently, reciprocally, Dirk caressed her hip with one palm. “Honey ... ah ... have you seen a doctor for a prescription for birth control pills?” he asked in an uncharacteristic hesitant tone.
Sudden tension drew Tina’s nerves taut again. “No,” she finally responded honestly if breathlessly.
“Good.” Dirk expelled the word softly on a long sigh.
Eyes wide with surprise, Tina twisted around in his arms to stare up at him. “You’re not angry or upset?” she asked in astonishment.
“No, darling, I’m not angry or upset.” Closing his eyes for an instant, he swallowed—noticeably. “I can’t describe the relief I’m feeling at this moment,” he said hoarsely.
“But, Dirk”—Tina gaped in sheer amazement—”you were so adamant about not wanting a child!”
Dirk’s hands gripped her waist reflexively. “No. No, honey.” He shook his head in denial. “I never said I didn’t want a child. I do—rather badly, as a matter-of-fact. And not just one, but several.”
Tina frowned. “Yet you didn’t have any with your first wife,” she murmured. “Why?”
Tina’s amazement grew as a faint flush spread from Dirk’s neck to his cheeks, and he wet his lips as if suddenly suffering from a dry throat.
“I... well, you see ...” He smiled in self-derision. “Oh, dammit, Tina! I didn’t want children from her! I wanted them from you.” At her shocked gasp, he smiled softly. “I couldn’t give her a child, honey.” He shrugged, “Not that she wanted one, she didn’t. But even if she had, I... I couldn’t.”
Alarm shot through Tina’s mind; was there something wrong with him—something he hadn’t told her about? She didn’t get the opportunity to ask. Reading her expression, Dirk laughed a little ruefully.
“No, Tina,” he assured gently. “I’m perfectly capable of making a child. The problem has been that I have this vision of what my child will look like.” Releasing her, he raised a hand to curl his fingers into her hair. “In my vision, the child is a beautiful, scrawny little girl with one braid bouncing on her back.”
Though Tina blushed with pleasure, she frowned from confusion. “Dirk ...”
“Honey, I’ve spent the majority of the last few weeks cursing myself for telling you I’d prefer not to have children.” Raising his hand, he drew his fingertips over her flushed cheek. “I want us to have children, love. I long to watch our child grow inside you.” Tilting his head back, he ran a frowning glance over her slim form. “That is,” he qualified in a deeply concerned tone, “after you’ve put some sustaining weight on your body. Have you been overworking and under-eating these last weeks?”
“Yes,” Tina answered simply. “But most of all, I’ve been pining for you.”
With a strangled groan, Dirk closed his arms around her tightly, as if actually afraid to let her go. “Oh, God, love!” he murmured grittily. “What we’ve been doing to each other these last five years is criminal.” He pressed his lips to her forehead, breathing deeply. Then, raising his head, he smiled gently. “Come, love, it’s time to straighten out this mess we’ve made of our lives.”
Clasping her hand, he drew her to the table. “We already know the physical side of our marriage works.” He grinned as the color tinged her cheeks again. “Now we’ve got to get to the practical side.”
Eyes misty with unshed tears, Tina watched him hungrily as he returned to the counter for their coffee cups, filling them again after pouring the now cold brew down the sink, then joining her at the table.
“When I said I loved you, I meant it. I wasn’t mouthing the words in the heat of the moment.” Dirk’s chest heaved a deep sigh. “I’ve been in love with you since the summer you turned sixteen, Tina.”
“Dirk!” Tina carefully placed-her cup on the tabletop. “You never—”
“Let me finish, love,” Dirk again interrupted gently. “Then you can have your say. Okay?”
Staring at him from glistening eyes, Tina nodded. “Okay.”
Dirk swallowed a sip of coffee before continuing, tersely. “I was already a man by the summer you were sixteen. I was more than a little shaken to realize I wanted you as a man wants a woman.” His lips twisted derisively. “I fought my share of guilt battles for my thoughts. Then after your father died, and I held you in my arms, I lost the mental battle…and my control. Believe me, the guilt trips I’d suffered before that day were nothing to the one I went through the morning after we made love.”
“So you compensated for your guilt by rejecting me,” Tina concluded when he paused for breath.
“No!” Dirk’s denial held solid conviction. “I never rejected you. I sent you back to school to give you time, Tina.” Reaching across the table, he grasped her hand with trembling fingers. “Honey, I wanted you to have all the things young girls are supposed to have. Dates and fun and ... well, all the things that you deserved.”
“But all I wanted was you!” Tina wailed in objection.
“Honey, I thought you were too young to know what you wanted.” Dirk squeezed her hand. “You were vulnerable, and you trusted me. I betrayed not only your trust but your father’s as well. I...” A spasm of pain swept his face and he closed his eyes briefly. “I sent you away because, by looking at you, I had to look at myself—and I hated what I saw.”
“When I came to visit you in your junior year, I came to ask you—beg you—to marry me.” Again his lips smiled derisively. “I had to come, I couldn’t fight myself any longer. You told me to go to hell,” he finished thickly.
“I was hurt, Dirk,” Tina explained. “I was lashing out. I wanted to hurt you too.”
“Oh, you succeeded, love, believe me.” Dirk shrugged. “And you continued to hurt me, with your extravagance and, worst of all, with your marriage to that ... that parasite.” His lips tightened almost painfully.
Lowering her eyes, she admitted, “I know ... now ... that I chose Chuck deliberately. I used him, Dirk.” Raising her eyes, she met his gaze squarely. “I used him to hurt you.”
“And all the other men since him?” Dirk muttered raggedly.
Tina stiffened with sudden indignation. “There were no others,” she said convincingly. “There was only Chuck. And”—even though she felt her face flush, Tina knew she had to tell him the who
le truth—”and even when I was with him, there was only you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
A smile of commiseration softened his lips. “Only too well,” he replied softly. “I used my wife the same way.”
“What an utter waste,” Tina observed sadly.
“Yes,” Dirk concurred. “But I’m through wasting time, or lying to myself, or playing games.” Releasing his grip, Dirk began stroking her fingers. “I came back here yesterday prepared to beg you for a real marriage between us.”
“But that’s—” Tina was about to tell him that that was the same reason she’d come home early, but once more he wouldn’t let her finish.
“Honey, I know how much your business means to you, but God, I need you with me!” Leaning forward, he asked, earnestly, “Couldn’t you open another salon in Wilmington and make periodic trips to New York?”
“No.” A shadow passed over his face at her flat refusal. Aching for him, feeling his pain, Tina rushed to explain. “I have no shop to make periodic trips to New York for, darling. I agreed to sell the business to Paul yesterday. I also gave notice that I’d be vacating my apartment.” A smile tugged at her lips when she saw the look of amazement on her husband’s face. “As of the end of January, this house is the only home I have.”
Kicking over his chair as he jumped to his feet, Dirk circled the table to pull Tina into his arms.
“You could always come live with me, scrawny,” he teased in a suspiciously tight voice.
“On one condition,” Tina said adamantly.
“Name your terms of surrender.” He laughed in relief.
“By next year at this time,” Tina said softly, “I want to be decorating a nursery as well as a Christmas tree.”
A slow, excitingly sexy smile curved Dirk’s lips as he gazed down at her, his blue eyes glowing with love.
“Both here and in Wilmington,” Tina added as an afterthought.
“You’re a demanding woman, love.” Dirk’s arms tightened, making Tina thrillingly aware of his need of her. “But as I was planning to keep this house as our getaway anyway, I’ll meet your terms ... on one condition of my own.”
