“Don’t get mad, but I have something planned. We’ve been getting along so well that I asked mom this morning if she could watch Hazel for us, so we can go out tonight.”
“Like a date?”
“Do you want it to be a date?” He cocks an eyebrow.
Do I? The thought of going out with Carter, just the two of us makes my body zing and come to life. His bodies always called to me on a more primal level, and it’s something I’ve been disregarding since he came back. Not anymore.
“You know, I think I do.”
“Why did you come here, Lex? You were so hell-bent on saying no the first time. You’re still with Nate, right?” he questions.
“I don’t know what we are,” I reply honestly feeling a sharp pain in my heart.
“Fair enough.” He reaches across the center console and grips my hand.
I need to do this for me. To see if the feelings I claimed lied dormant for Carter after the hurt he caused still exist. What if one day I look back on this vacation and realize I never gave Carter the chance he deserved and regret it for the rest of my life. Thinking about what could have been instead of knowing.
For once, I’m going to put me first and see what happens.
***
“Wow,” I whisper after Carter pulls the blindfold off of my face. I almost can’t believe what I’m seeing.
After we got in the car, Carter placed a blindfold over my eyes and said he wanted the full impact of where we were going to hit once I was there. I agreed reluctantly and let him place the fabric over my eyes. Once Carter removed the blindfold, I found myself looking at the exact interior of the boat he took me on for our first date. It has to be the same boat although, I didn’t get the feeling at all that we were on the water. Then it hits me.
“That’s why you blindfolded me,” I state. He remembered my fear of boats and the thought hits me in my heart.
“Of course, I remember. I’ve never heard such a traumatizing family story in my life,” he chuckles. “Now I know our first date for you was a wash, but for me, it was the best night of my life. The girl I was interested in finally agreed to go out with me and that night, I realized how amazing you were. You blew my mind with your quick wit and easy conversation. That night I saw a future with you before you even liked me.”
Damn. I didn’t know he felt that way during our first date. I remember complaining like a toddler about being on a boat, even though the fear is real. How can these men in my life be so sure of me?
“How? Why would that night show you all of that?”
“The way you talked about your business, the light in your eyes when you talked about your passions in life. Something about you sucked me in, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You stayed on a boat you were terrified of to make me happy. And just to let you know, we’re docked. We won’t be going anywhere.” We walk over to the same booth we sat in across from each other. A serious look crosses his face and shows this conversation going to get a whole lot deeper. “I know you don’t want to talk about this, but like I’ve said before, not choosing you and Hazel is the biggest regret of my life. I don’t know how I’ve gotten here, or why I deserve a second chance with you, but I’m going to take it because I’d love nothing more than to be with you, love you again and raise Hazel as a family.”
He leans in and presses his lips softly to mine. Carter’s always been great with words, and he’s completely blown me away with his honesty.
“I’ve missed this, missed you over the years,” I admit squeezing his hand.
Carter clears his throat but doesn’t say anything else before our foods placed in front of us. We eventually start talking about our trip and some more things he’d like to show Hazel before we leave in a few days. He explains his plans for work since his show no longer exists and I hang on his every word. The conversations nice and the companies even better. Before I know it, I look down and see all our food cleared and the meal done.
“On to the next surprise of the evening,” Carter states looking confident.
“And what would that be?” I smile at him.
“I rented this for the night…” He leaves the sentence open-ended at what the implication is.
It’s up to me. He’s telling me what happens next is my choice.
I look at him and cock my eyebrow. “Then you better give me a tour.”
Whatever happens, happens, Lex, just go with what feels right.
Chapter 35
The tour doesn’t involve the outside thankfully. Otherwise I might have lost it and demanded to be put on dry land. The tour does, however, end in the bedroom. Once Carter opens the big mahogany door, I look around and realize that I need to be here with him.
Walking in, I stare at the king size bed and freeze. It stands out in all of its dark wood glory like a bullseye. The white comforter somehow calling me to it.
Can I really do this? Will my heart let me take it that far? My emotions start to war each other in my mind, and I feel like fleeing from the bedroom to safety.
Two warm hands wind their way around my waist and stop low on my hips. The warm breath on the skin of my neck causes a shiver throughout my body and pushes all doubt from my head.
“Do you know how hard it’s been? When you’re near me all I want to do is touch you, hold you. It’s been torture keeping my hands to myself.” His hands continue to roam over my stomach, then he slowly turns me towards him. Carter’s lips go to my neck, and I tip my head upwards giving him more skin to explore. His mouth feels familiar and inviting.
“Do you want this as bad as I do?” Carter asks nipping at my neck. I can tell he’s holding himself back, restraining his own need to make sure I’m right there with him.
“Yes,” I say on a breathy moan then grab his face and crash his mouth to mine.
***
I smile to myself as I start to wake up from my peaceful night’s sleep. A heavy arm wraps around my waist and has my lazy smile growing even further. When I roll over to give Nate a kiss, I freeze when I’m met with Carter’s sleeping face.
Not Nate.
“Morning gorgeous.” Carter’s sleep riddled eyes stare up at me, and my face must show unease when his brow furrows. “What’s the matter?” He tries to smile but stops when he realizes I’m not feeding into his playfulness.
“He’s who I want to wake up next to every morning,” I whisper as my feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. What I was feeling last night is nothing compared to what I’m feeling right now.
“I’ll be right back.” I get up with the sheet wrapped around me and walk to the bathroom, grabbing my clothes as I go. Once I’m shut inside, I press my back against the cold wood of the door.
Nate is in my heart. He’s plastered in there, and I may have fucked everything up.
He’s who I want to wake up next to every morning, who I want to be with when we’re old and gray. He has my heart, and I feel like I could throw up over my actions. I did nothing wrong, I chant over and over in my head not feeling any better.
After putting on the rest of my clothes, I leave the bathroom and find Carter fully dressed sitting on the bed. He gives me a sad smile like he knows what’s coming.
“Carter…” I start then stop, unable to find the right words to say.
“It was always him wasn’t it?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“And last night?” he asks.
“I think that was the closure we needed to finally move on. You deserve to be with someone who can give you all of them. You know what my first thought was when I woke up this morning? I couldn’t wait to turn over and kiss Nate. You should be with a woman who wants to wake up to you every morning, not another man. That’s how I know Nate’s the one imprinted on my heart.”
“I can’t say that doesn’t hurt,” Carter’s voice cracks as my own tears slide down my cheeks.
I walk over and sit on the bed next to him. “I never wanted to hurt you. That’s the last thing I ever wanted.”
“I know. Where do we go from here?” he questions.
Taking a deep breath, I release through my mouth. “I’m not sure, but we’ll figure it out. You know, we’re pretty great friends when you’re not hitting on me. You think we can try?” I ask hopefully.
“Over time I think we can. You have to give me some space to work this all out.”
“I can do that.” I look around the room and the awkwardness of the moment makes me want to run. Not only run but also go find Nate and pour my heart out to him. To plead with him to forgive me.
“Go, get out of here. I’ll take Hazel home with me in a few days.”
“Are you sure?” I question. Hazel’s never been away from me that long before.
“Go before I try to convince you to stay.”
I want to tell him nothing could convince me, but don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have.
I turn around and face him when I get to the door. “Carter, you’re a good man. One day you’re going to realize this was for the best. I truly pray you find what I hope I still have with Nate.”
“Nate would be a fool to let you go.” Carter gives me a sad smile, and it breaks my heart.
I stare at the man that’s changed my life in more ways than he could ever know and realize for the first time that my feelings aren’t conflicted. I know where my future is and he’s sitting back in Willow Creek.
Chapter 36
I’ve been knocking for fifteen minutes, and I’m ready to throw a rock through a window and climb in. I’ve had a lot to think about since this morning. I couldn’t get a flight out until late, and that’s a lot of time to play what if in your head. What to say and how to explain things. It’s funny because I’m not sure what needs to be said can be planned.
Finally, the front door opens, and Nate stands there with sleep-ruffled hair and a shocked expression on his face.
“Lexi, is everything alright? Aren’t you supposed to be in North Carolina?”
“I was, but I needed to see you. Can I come in?”
“You don’t have to ask.” He moves to the side and ushers me in.
This situation is so hard. I never envisioned coming back to Nate, wanting to push him up against the wall and kiss him, but being unsure of whether he’d still want me after we talk about what happened in North Carolina. What if he doesn’t want me after he hears what I did?
“We need to talk,” I sigh and walk into the living room with Nate following me.
“This doesn’t sound like the beginning of something good.”
I take a seat on the couch, and my hands shake in my lap. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and there’s a very real possibility he won’t want to be with me.
“Tell me you didn’t fly all the way back here to break up with me?” Nate sounds tortured, and it guts me.
“No, the complete opposite actually.” I tuck some fallen hair behind my ear and peer up at Nate from beneath my lashes. “You sent me with Carter to figure out what I want. Well, I want you.” Tears begin to build in my eyes at the hopeful look on his face and the inevitable truth I’m about to tell him.
“Say it again.”
“I want you, Nate. It’s always been you.”
“Come here,” he demands, but I don’t move.
“Not until I tell you everything.” I look away from Nate unable to keep eye contact and wipe the fallen tears.
“Shit.” Nate curses, and I’m pretty sure he can guess what happened last night.
I go into the trip, what we did and the things we saw. When I tell him I went on a date with Carter, the look of pain on his face makes me want to jump up and comfort him. Then I realize I’m the one who hurt him. I feel like the lowest of low and I haven’t gotten to the worst part yet.
“He rented the boat overnight,” I whisper. “Everything was so familiar with Carter in the moment, I did what felt right. What I thought was in my heart.”
“This is all my fault. I pushed you into this.” My head flies up, and I see Nate with tears in his eyes.
“I wish I could tell you it didn’t mean anything, but it did. It meant a lot. It was the perfect closure I never got from him. For the first time in over four years, I feel like I’m finally free and not living in the past.”
“You slept with him?” he asks, and I realize I haven’t explained what happened.
“I’m not going to look you in the eye and lie to you, Nate. We made it to the bedroom, I thought I wanted to sleep with him. I have a history with Carter, and I got swept up in it all. We had a couple of really great days as a family, and I let myself feel for the first time since he came back into my life. Then I realized it was so easy to get lost in a simple moment. A moment that could ruin everything I’ve worked so hard for over the past four years. As I was kissing him…”
Nate gets off the couch and leaves the room. I can’t fight the sob, and I’m not sure if I want to. I don’t know where to go from here, this isn’t how I thought he’d react. Nate didn’t even let me finish explaining. I know one thing for sure right now, I won’t give him up without a fight. I’ll make him see I don’t want Carter anymore and that our kiss meant nothing. I get up from the couch and walk around until I find him sitting on the balcony off of his bedroom. He’s sitting in one of the patio chairs with his head in his hands.
Silently, I take the seat next to him and don’t initiate conversation. I’m going to be here for him the best way I know how, even if he doesn’t want to see me, but when time passes, and he makes no play to say anything, I decide to finish my explanation.
“All I could think about was you, so I stopped him. I couldn’t go through with it Nate. We ended up falling asleep because I was still so confused about what I was feeling and when I woke up this morning all I wanted was to be with you. I love you so much, Nate. I’m so sorry it took so long, and that’s the way my hearts truth came about, but…” I’m not sure what else to say.
“It hurts so much yet…I’m relieved. The thought of his lips on you…”
“I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt anybody, and in the end, I hurt everyone. You need to know that I have no romantic feelings for Carter. I know that sounds crazy after last night, but it’s true. I said it gave me closure and it has. I can finally close that chapter of my life and be free to continue my future with you. I realized in the moment, I could have been with Carter, it would have been so familiar and easy, but then I kissed him, and it felt wrong. It was wrong because he wasn’t you.”
He’s silent again, and it’s killing me. I don’t know where he stands or what he’s thinking. I decide to continue on, and I don’t want to hold anything back. He needs to know how he makes me feel.
“Do you remember that night in the bar? When I was with Amanda?”
“How could I forget?” He looks over at me, and the look of hope gives me the resolve to say what I need to. For him to hear what he means to me.
“You mapped out our lives in one night and were so sure of us when I was still mending my broken heart. I couldn’t figure out why you were interested in me. Nate, you could have anyone you want, and you chose me, a broken woman with a daughter. I know coming into our lives wasn’t easy, I have a ton that comes along with me, but, this morning I thought about your speech about our inevitable future of falling in love and growing old together. It dawned on me this morning that I’ve been waiting to choose you until I saw our future. What I didn’t realize was we’ve already been living it.”
“Come here,” Nate demands, and I get up from my chair and walk the few short feet to him. He pulls me into his lap and burrows his face in my neck. I run my fingers through his hair when I feel tears fall on my skin.
“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
I hear him sigh and take a deep breath of my own. “We’ll work through this and move past this nightmare.”
Nate just gave me the hope I need to continue on. He’s letting me know with time that we could still have a chance.
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“I’ve done a lot of searching and thinking this week. A lot. When it came down to seeing my future, it was always you Nate. You’re it for me. I love you so much, and I’d never survive it if you weren’t in my life. I was silly to believe I was cursed when the two loves of my life crossed paths. I was wrong, you’re my one great love, Nate. My partner in life. I want to wake up every morning next to you and fall asleep to your sweet kisses. I want to watch you flying kites with Hazel and wearing matching fishing hats.”
“I want all that too.” He pulls his face out of my neck and looks into my eyes.
“Do you think we can have that? Tell me you can forgive me because I don’t know what I’d do if you left.”
Nate looks into my eyes but remains silent. His face is so intent like he’s trying to piece together the words that are jumbled in his head. When he finally opens his mouth, I get my answer, praying it won’t rip me to shreds.
Epilogue
My fingers trace the intricate lace design on my gown as I wait for my cue. Nervous energy flies throughout my body and a smile forms on my lips.
Today’s the day.
The day I pledge my love and life to the man of my dreams.
The day our family becomes whole as I look into the love of my life’s eyes and vow to always love him for better or worse.
Hazel’s twirling around in her little puffy pink dress next to me and the sight almost has me ruining my makeup with tears.
“You ready, baby girl?” I ask holding out my hand.
“Let’s go, Mama,” she states placing her little hand in mine as we begin to walk down the beach.
I started this journey alone. It was just Hazel and me from the second she took her first breath. I was set on being both parents in her life and giving her the best I possibly could. Nate took me by surprise showing me that my future wasn’t good enough. It would never be enough unless he was in it.
Fool Me Once Page 19
