A Deep Dark Secret

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Chapter 4

  JILLIAN GRABBED HER BROWN NYLON BOOK BAG AND BROWN leather shoulder purse off the car seat. “Thanks for the ride, Miss G.”

  “No problem, sweetie. See you tomorrow.”

  “I’ll call you later, Nik.”

  “Okay, talk to you then.”

  Jillian stepped out of the vehicle and then waved good-bye to her best friend and her best friend’s mom, Miss Gordon. But as they pulled away and she turned and saw her father’s SUV inside the garage, her heart plummeted. She wasn’t sure where her mother was because normally she was home from work whenever Jillian arrived later than usual. Her father was sometimes already home by five o’clock as well, with him working what he called flex hours, and this was also the reason Jillian had made sure to sign up for one of the key clubs and yearbook staff, and why she occasionally volunteered at a nearby nursing home. This way, she was guaranteed not to make it home before her mother on at least two days per week and would have much less of a chance of being home alone with her father. But today, for some reason, her mother wasn’t there yet, and now she wished she’d asked Miss G if she could go home with them for a while. Miss G got off work around four, so she’d told Jillian’s mom that on the days the girls had extracurricular activities, she had no problem at all with picking them up. Jillian’s mom had been very thankful for this and in return, she helped out with the cost of Miss G’s gas each week. Actually, Jillian was somewhat shocked that Nikki had even considered joining either of the groups she was involved in, but it hadn’t been long before Jillian realized it was all because Nikki had seen a couple of cute boys in each of them. Then, as far as the nursing home went, Jillian was sure that the only reason Nikki had wanted to volunteer there was because her grandmother was one of the residents.

  Jillian walked inside the house, looked around, but didn’t see or hear her father. Maybe he was out with her mom. That’s what she was hoping for, anyway, and she was kind of relieved—relieved enough to kick off her shoes, grab a couple of chocolate chip cookies from the large glass jar on the kitchen counter, and then pour herself a cup of milk. She sat for a few minutes until she finished eating and drinking and then went upstairs to her room. Once there, she performed her normal ritual: dropped her bags on top of her desk, turned on the television, laid across the bed on her stomach, and flipped through the channels until she saw That’s So Raven.

  She watched for a couple of minutes and was already laughing at something Raven had just said. She loved this show, new episodes or reruns, and she rarely missed it.

  But just as a commercial came on, Jillian flinched in fear. She saw her door opening and to her regret, it was her father. He must have been in his and her mom’s bedroom and had purposely kept quiet, so he could catch her off guard.

  Jillian quickly sat up and backed closer to her pillows and headboard.

  “So, how was your day, princess?”

  “Fine. Where’s Mom?”

  “She dropped Layla off at your grandparents’ and then went to dinner with some of the ladies she works with. She’ll be gone at least another couple of hours.”

  Jillian’s heart beat faster than normal, and she wished her father would just leave. Leave her room and leave her alone. But he didn’t. Instead, he did his usual. Sat down on the side of her bed.

  “I’m so proud of you, princess. You know that?”

  Jillian stared at him but didn’t respond.

  “I’m proud because I know you’re going to do so well in school again this year. You’re such an intelligent young lady, and you’re so caring. Which is why you’re the most precious thing in my life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Layla is my actual blood daughter and I love her with all my heart, but you’re the one who’s the most important to me.”

  Jillian still didn’t say anything, but then her father smiled and stroked the side of her face. Then he stood up. Which was strange because normally when they had their time together, he always sat or lay next to her on her bed. Never under the covers, but always very close to her.

  “Princess, Daddy needs you to do something different for him today, okay?”

  Jillian tried forcing down the lump in her throat. “What?”

  “It’s something very important to me. Something that will make Daddy feel better than his little princess has ever made him feel.”

  She had no idea what he was talking about, but she still had a really bad feeling about all of this. Not because he’d just closed her shades and turned off the television, because he did this all the time, but because for the first time ever, she heard him unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants.

  “Come closer to the edge of the bed.”

  He was still standing, so none of this made much sense to her until she thought back to what she’d read on the Internet and then she thought about the time this boy had asked Nikki to…

  “Sweetheart, Daddy needs you to open your mouth real wide, okay? As wide as you can.”

  “Daddy, no. Please don’t make me do this.”

  “This won’t take long at all, princess. I promise.”

  “Daddy, please. I’m begging you, please don’t make me.”

  “Jillian, are you being disobedient again? Because you know God doesn’t like it when young girls don’t do what their parents tell them.”

  “But, Daddy—”

  “Look, Jillian. You know I don’t like it when you whine like this, so stop it.”

  He was calling her by her first name and his voice was stern, so she knew he meant business.

  “Now, open your mouth,” he said, taking the side of her face and pulling her closer to him.

  Tears flooded her cheeks. “Daddy, I can’t.”

  “You can and you will. Now, do you want your mom to find out that you’ve been disobeying me? Do you want me to pack my things and leave?”

  “No.”

  “Then do as I tell you.”

  Jillian pressed her lips together as tightly as she could, but then finally gave up on trying to resist him. She opened her mouth, and he forced himself inside of it. She gagged immediately and could barely breathe. But her father paid no attention and instead instructed her on what exactly she needed to do.

  “Come on, princess, all you have to do is suck it the same exact way you suck a lollipop. It’s that easy.”

  Jillian was clueless and tried pulling away from him, but he was holding her head very steady and she couldn’t move.

  “I won’t keep repeating myself. Now, do what I told you.”

  Jillian wept and then did the best she could. This was the most awful thing she’d ever done. Her father, however, made lots of weird noises and seemed as though he had traveled to a different galaxy. He moaned and groaned like a person in great pain, but at the same time he seemed to be enjoying himself completely.

  This, of course, was the total opposite of what Jillian was feeling, because at this very moment, she wanted to die. She wished she’d never been born or, better yet, that her mother had never married her father in the first place. She wished her mother had never met him, period.

  She couldn’t wait for this to be over with, and for the first time, she prayed for something very bad to happen to her father. Anything at all, as long as she never had to see him again.

  Chapter 5

  JILLIAN LAY IN HER BED, BALLED UP LIKE A NEWBORN BABY. She’d been lying there for at least two hours, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened to her. Her father had actually made her give him oral sex, and now she was trying with all her might to figure out if this kind of sex was considered just as real as sexual intercourse.

  Over the last year, she’d been Googling and checking other online search engines for as much information as she could find, trying to educate herself on a number of items, but she was still a bit confused about whether oral sex fell into a different category. Some people said it did, some said it didn’t. Some said you were still an innocent virgin if all y
ou’d done was give oral sex to someone and some said you weren’t. Either way, though, the one thing she did know was that what she’d done with her father, not long ago, was as wrong as wrong could be.

  Jillian thought about the way he’d forced himself down her throat and cried all over again. This was an absolute nightmare, and no matter what she did, she just couldn’t seem to wake up from it. It just wouldn’t go away.

  Maybe her father was crazy. Maybe he had some mental problem that her mother hadn’t known about when she’d met him. Because surely no normal person would do the things he was doing with her—things he’d been doing since she was seven years old. Surely, a grown man like him would much rather do these things with an adult woman. Surely, he would only want to do them with her mother.

  Then, the whole idea that when he’d left her room, he hadn’t even bothered zipping his pants back up seemed noticeably insane as well. Yes, no one else was home, but it still didn’t seem right, and it was almost like he didn’t care. Not to mention, on his way out, he’d told her to go into the bathroom to wash her face with cold water, because the last thing her mother needed to see was that she’d been crying about nothing.

  Jillian had, of course, followed his instructions but had wiped tears the entire time. When she’d finished in the bathroom, she’d climbed back into bed and thankfully hadn’t heard anything else from him. Although, now, she heard the doorbell ringing and wondered who it could be.

  She lay quietly for a few minutes, but then she heard her father calling out to her, so she opened her bedroom door. “Yes.”

  “Princess, your grandparents just brought Layla home, and they want to see you.”

  At first, Jillian paused. Then she said, “Okay.”

  Normally, Jillian was thrilled to see her grandparents, but not today. Not when she was feeling stunned, out of sorts, and just plain distraught. She was still in shock and had spent much of the last hour trying to remember what she’d done to deserve such gruesome treatment. Her mother had raised her to love, honor, and trust God with everything in her, but her love, honor, and trust were beginning to fade, because for the life of her, she couldn’t understand why God was allowing this dreadful thing to happen between her and her father. Maybe God was punishing her because of how when she was five she’d taken a long stick and poked their parrot, over and over, every single day, as soon as she arrived home from school, and always when her mother wasn’t in the room with them. For some strange reason, she’d gotten a huge kick out of taunting the colorful little creature, but now maybe it was payback time and this was God’s way of doing it.

  I didn’t mean it, God. I’m so sorry for doing that, and I’m also sorry for the time when I was four and Mom asked me if I’d broken her vase and I told her that the little girl down the street had done it and ran home. I’m so, so sorry.

  Jillian straightened out her clothing, removed her scrunchie, brushed her hair into a fresh ponytail, and went downstairs.

  “Hi, sweetheart,” her grandma, Naomi, said, hugging her.

  “Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa,” she said, now hugging her grandfather.

  “Hi, Grandbaby. How are you?”

  “I’m fine.”

  Now that she was standing directly in front of them, she actually was happy to see her grandparents and hadn’t felt this safe in a long time. She wished she could stay in her grandfather’s arms forever or, even better, go home to live with them for good. If only she had the courage to tell them everything, so that she would never have to come back here. But her father had made it clear that her grandparents would be just as furious as her mother and would never have anything else to do with her. He’d made it clear that if their special secret ever got out, their entire family would be ruined and it would be all her fault. He insisted that everyone would hate her from then on.

  “Look, Jill,” Layla said, rushing toward her big sister with a drawing. “Look what I made in school today.”

  “How pretty, Layla. You’re so talented, and the colors are so beautiful.”

  “Thank you, Jill.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “I made it for you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yep. So, are you going to put it on your wall in your room?”

  “Sure. We’ll put it up tonight.”

  “Yayyyyy,” Layla said, and ran up the staircase to watch either Disney or Nickelodeon, Jillian was sure.

  Their father got up from the sofa. “Carter and Naomi, if you don’t mind, I’m going to run to the office supply store.”

  “Son, go right ahead,” Carter said.

  “That’s right,” Naomi added.

  “Do the two of you need anything while I’m out?”

  “No, honey,” Naomi said. “We’re fine.”

  “Sounds good,” he said, and then looked at Jillian. “Can I get you anything, princess?”

  Jillian was really starting to despise this word “princess,” and she wished he would stop calling her that. “No, thank you.”

  “Okay, then, I’ll see you all when I get back.”

  I hope not, was all Jillian could think, and she wished she had the nerve to say it straight to his face.

  Her grandmother smiled. “So, how was school today?”

  “It was good.”

  “Are you already getting a lot of homework?”

  “Not really. Well, actually, we sort of are this week. But not last week.”

  “I can’t believe my grandbaby is already in seventh grade,” her grandfather said. “And whether you realize it or not, these are the best years of your life. Junior high, high school, and then college.”

  “I know, and I’m already having a lot of fun,” she said, trying to sound as bubbly as possible when what she wanted to do was sob like a baby. But she could never let on or cause them to suspect that anything was wrong.

  “You haven’t spent the night with us in a while, so maybe you can do it this weekend.”

  “That would be great, Grandma. And can Nikki stay, too?”

  “Of course.”

  “I’ll make sure she asks her mom tonight if it’s okay.”

  Jillian had turned toward the kitchen when she heard someone coming from the garage and saw that it was her mother.

  Her mother walked into the family room, hugged Jillian, and sat down next to her. “Mom and Dad, thanks so much for watching Layla and for bringing her home. Especially since Byron had to work a lot later today.”

  Jillian looked at her mom and wondered why she thought her father had worked late when, in reality, he had arrived home at his normal time and maybe even earlier. But she knew why. She knew he’d purposely told her mother that lie because he’d wanted extra time alone with her. He was so slick and so sneaky, and he got away with anything he wanted without a single question from anyone.

  “So, how was your day, sweetie?” her mother asked.

  “Fine.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “Because you seemed like you were in deep thought about something.”

  “I was just thinking about some homework that I need to get done.”

  “Are you sure you weren’t maybe daydreaming about some new little boy at school?”

  Her mom and grandparents laughed, and Jillian, using her sophisticated Academy Award–winning skills, laughed right along with them. “No, Mom, that’s not it at all.”

  “Okay, whatever you say, but remember, I was once twelve going on thirteen myself. Not that you’re old enough to be dating boys, because you’re certainly not, but still.”

  Jillian thought about Kyle and how cute he was and then blushed.

  “See, that’s what I thought,” her mother said.

  Her grandparents teased her as well, and for a while, she felt happy and was enjoying this great time she was having with the people who loved her.

  But then her father came back home and soon took a seat with the rest of them.

  “So, how’s th
e job going?” Grandpa Carter asked him.

  “Couldn’t be better, and as a matter of fact, I just learned last week that I might be up for another promotion. You know I was just promoted to claims supervisor two years ago, but now they’re talking group manager.”

  Jillian’s mother beamed with pride. “Isn’t that such wonderful news, Mom and Dad?”

  “It sure is,” Naomi said.

  “We’re really proud of you, son,” Carter told him.

  “Thank you.”

  “And your parents must be just as proud as well.”

  “They are, and when I called them this afternoon, they were both saying how they wish they lived a lot closer. I mean, it’s not like they live in California, but Atlanta is still pretty far away from here.”

  “I know it must be hard,” Naomi said.

  Jillian’s mother beamed with pride—again. “We’re all very proud of you, baby, and no one deserves it more than you do.”

  Jillian looked on in silence, until her mom said, “Isn’t that right, Jill? Doesn’t your daddy deserve the best job they have to offer? He deserves the best of everything.”

  “Yep,” she said, smiling, and then wondered if her mother would still feel the same way if she knew what “Daddy” was doing behind his wife’s back. She wondered what all of them would say, her grandparents, her father’s coworkers, everyone in the neighborhood, and all of their church members. She even wondered how many other young girls were being molested by their fathers, their fathers’ fathers, their uncles, brothers, or cousins, in shameful secrecy. Hundreds, thousands, or was it maybe even millions?