“If this is a bad time, I can come back,” said Sebastian, peering around Robert and outright ignoring his outstretched hand, “I know we said we would have coffee but it looks like you’re busy,”
“Nope,” said Robert, looking past Sebastian, “I was just leaving,”
Sebastian moved slightly to see what Robert was looking at and the moment of crushing defeat was the slinky and insufferable Lydia brushing right past Sebastian, and on him as she moved past him, to get to Robert.
I felt a real moment of gratitude as I saw Sebastian’s facial expression change from mild confusion to anger when he saw Lydia. That was a nice change of pace. For once a man was mad that an immoral vixen had rubbed herself all over his nice suit instead of apologizing that it wasn’t softer for her to rub on.
If he wasn’t into the vixens, I wonder what it was he saw in me…but my train of thought was cut short as I caught Lydia’s hateful gaze on me.
“Is there anything left for you here?” Lydia asked Robert.
“Not at all,” said Robert, unaware of the undertone of her vicious and sniping comment, “I’m ready to leave when you are. I just have to stop by the club,”
The two of them left, their bodies somehow entwined but managing to walk the distance of the hall with ease. It made my blood boil, my stomach turn and my heart hurt all at once. I looked after Robert with painful longing and the last thing I thought as I saw Lydia’s waft of hair pass around the corner was finding a way to exact revenge, whatever revenge I could find.
“Coffee?” asked Sebastian from behind me, watching me as I stood looking at an empty hallway, “I think we need to talk,”
It was a bit judgmental but it was deserved. I felt like a cat that had just accidentally fallen into a lake – wet and near drowned. I didn’t want coffee. I wanted to go back to bed. I pinched myself one more time and it hurt. It hurt a lot. I gave a sigh.
“Yes,” I said to Sebastian, not even trying to keep up the charade any longer, “You deserve an explanation at least,”
“Honesty sounds like a good idea,” said Sebastian.
I think he had a look of pity for me in there somewhere but if it had been there it had only been a flicker. His eyes were still captivating and that made it all the more painful. I was captivated by beautiful eyes full of disappointment. I grabbed my purse and we headed to the coffee shop.
“I never intended any of this,” I said.
“Neither did I,” said Sebastian, “but here we are…”
Chapter 8
The morning air was chill and crisp. We both decided sitting outside was a good idea. I didn't deserve to sit inside where it was warm. I had been a terrible person. That and all the chairs were taken.
Sebastian followed me to a small bistro table that looked out over the park across the street. I had frequented this coffee shop on more than one occasion. It was out of my way but a nice place to people-watch in the busy afternoons if I had the day off work. I wished we were there to people watch. But the only people being watched were Sebastian and I.
I think the others could sense our tension. Or I’m just being self conscious because I had been lying to this gorgeous, kind man since the moment I met him. And using him, can't forget that part now can I?
The table wobbled as I set down my coffee. I tried to steady it with my hands and Sebastian helped me, the coffee threatening to splash over the rim of the paper cups. His hand brushed mine, just barely, and our eyes met.
I felt an overwhelming amount of shame. I always told myself that I would live as if my parents, wherever they were in heaven, were watching. I think if they could have seen me over the past couple of weeks they would be disappointed. I had not been a very good person and Sebastian deserved better, even from a friend let alone a girlfriend. Which I was not I reminded myself. I’m still dating Robert even if he didn't realize it. Lydia had clouded things but he still had my heart and I was certain I had his.
"Do you want to just stand here looking at each other or shall we sit?" Sebastian asked, quiet and calm.
He didn’t sound angry but he wasn’t the easiest person to read to be honest.
"Right," I said, "Of course,"
I pulled out a chair for him and he looked at me like I was an idiot. I was nervous. I giggled and the nerves just rolled out in funny little bursts of awkward giggles. I put my hand to my forehead and wished I had just closed the door on Sebastian this morning and shouted through the door that I never wanted to see him again and refuse to offer an explanation. That was the coward’s way. It seemed like a great plan at the moment. I wish I had done it.
I pulled a chair out for myself and Sebastian picked the third chair at the table. I must have tainted the chair I had pulled out for him. Tainted with my nervousness and lies. I let out a deep sigh. We both sat and pretended to focus on making sure our coffee didn't spill. It was time to suck it up and finish this. Like cleaning the house, I just had to do it and not think about it and try to hum a tune to take my mind off of things. I stopped myself from humming. I was beyond nervous.
"Prussia," said Sebastian, "We need to talk,"
I sighed, unhappy about having to put my actions into words and explain the motivation behind what all had occurred. It felt like the minute I said the words I would be confirming to the universe what I and Sebastian already thought - I had been a cheating hussy or at the least, I had used someone for my own personal gain, my own motivation, and it made me feel horrible.
"Okay," I said, "Here goes..."
I started from the beginning. I tried to describe Robert and me in the best light I could and I tried to explain to Sebastian that I had not intended to hurt him in any way. It was harder to read him. The more I explained, the more his face seemed to shut down and relax. I couldn't tell if he had decided to be furious or had just gotten bored and had started thinking about something else. After I finished explaining everything, we just sat there a moment.
I leaned forward, clutching the coffee that had gone cold and trying to read his strong features and the kind eyes that had disappeared the moment I had started talking. They were cold now, reserved, guarded. Even though I still wanted Robert back from Lydia, I felt a small pang of guilt and sadness in my heart that I had made him this way. I felt regret that I had made his eyes look at me with sadness where before they had sparkled in my direction with every passing glance.
"Please, Sebastian," I said, the silence crushing me, "say something, anything,"
The coffee shop and the people that floated around us had melted away. I hadn't touched my coffee though my lips and throat were dry from telling him why I had used him the way I had. After a few seconds his eyes changed, a small light in them though very distant. His jaw relaxed and the tip of his tongue flicked out of his mouth to wet his lips. He cleared his throat.
"You couldn’t have known you were going to be attacked in the park," he said, “It’s not possible,”
That wasn’t at all what I had expected him to say. I was surprised.
"No," I said, "I didn't know,"
"You didn't go looking for me," said Sebastian, sitting up in his chair and leaning toward me.
"I had no idea you would be in the park," I said, "I thought it was empty that late at night,"
I was confused; he was supposed to be upset. And I felt like I had explained all of this fairly well. I wonder if I had skimmed over some parts too quickly. I didn't take him for a stupid man. I waited for him to process everything. I expected the anger to set in any moment along with the realization of what exactly I had done.
"So what you're saying is that you still love Robert," said Sebastian.
"Right," I said, "I shouldn't have used you to try to make Robert jealous,"
"But that I saved you and you saw an opportunity," he said, "You didn't go out looking for someone to use, exactly,"
"Well, that's one way of looking at it," I said, "But it is still wrong. I shouldn't have used you. I shouldn’t have let it go on for so lo
ng. And then when I realized that Victoria was your great grandmother, that just made it so much worse somehow," his jaw set again. His lips pressed together and his chin rose.
"Yes," said Sebastian, "That was wrong,"
I hung my head and prepared for the injustice of what I had done to be unleashed upon me. I prepared for the anger and the frustration to boil to the surface.
"Thank you for being honest with me, Prussia," said Sebastian.
"But I haven't been," I said, looking up with the saddest eyes I could convey, "I have been the opposite of honest,"
He smiled at me then and I started to realize that perhaps I would get what I deserved, complications.
"You have come clean now and we've only been out once," said Sebastian, "You don't strike me as the type to keep secrets or lie. It's been eating you alive, hasn't it?"
He wasn't wrong but I hadn't exactly been dying from it. I mean, I had kept on with my plan until it completely blew up in my face. I still wanted revenge on Lydia and that wasn't exactly a nice thing to follow up lying and using people with.
"I don't understand," I said, "You're supposed to be upset with me, not nice. I've been lying to you."
"Oh, I see," said Sebastian, a smirk on his face, "Tell me, then, how should I be reacting?"
I paused. Maybe I was on T.V., some sort of prank show just toying with me. My eyes darted around a moment but I didn’t see anyone looking at us. There wasn't anywhere to hide a camera either.
"Well," I said, trying to describe how I thought he was supposed to react, "You're supposed to be offended and angry for one."
"Oh I am!" he said, louder than before, "What else should I be?"
He had decided he could toy with me. I put my hands over my face and slumped.
"You’re treating this like a game," I said, "It was wrong for me to lead you on. It was wrong for me to use you as I did. It's not what good, kind people do. And here you are, just laughing at me, as if you don't even care"
Sebastian didn't say anything. I waited a moment, hiding my face in shame and frustration. I deserved being laughed at, as I had been in the wrong, it just wasn't what I had expected.
"Prussia," he said. His voice was quiet, "I realize this isn't easy for you. But honesty is never easy for anyone. That's why so many people lie. I find it charming that lying does this to you. I think it's the mark of a great person and wish that I was more like you,"
I pulled my hands down from my face then. Here I had just told this man I had been lying and using him and he said he wished he was more like me because I felt bad. What did that mean?
"Have you been lying to me since we met?" I asked.
He pulled back from me a little. I think I saw an emotion I hadn't seen before, I had offended him. I could only tell because he had been so relaxed and smiling before. His face had changed quickly. It had been the most honest and straight forward emotion I had seen on his face since I had started telling him what I had done. And he didn't answer. He just looked at me.
"Prussia," began Sebastian, I leaned closer, “the most important things in a relationship are honesty and trust. I wouldn't lie to you,"
He took one of my hands in his and patted my hand.
"But I began lying to you the moment we met," I said in a whisper.
"And I forgive you," said Sebastian, "because now I know that from this moment on we're speaking honestly,"
My brain hadn't caught up. He wasn't angry, he was happy. This was so odd, unpredictable. I told him I had been lying and explained it and that now I would be honest and he was happy about it. But that didn’t make sense because he knows I love Robert, that I want Robert back.
"Sebastian," I said, "You act as though we’re still dating,"
I tried to say it gently because I felt like he didn’t understand what it all meant. He must think I had come clean so we could continue dating.
"I think you’re an amazing woman." said Sebastian.
"An amazing woman with a boyfriend," I said, "I'm still dating Robert..."
I tried to read his face. He had on a smile but it didn't feel as genuine as it had before. Some other emotion was at work and I couldn't place what it was. I couldn’t put my finger on it. He patted my hand gently.
"Well, now," he said, "I think that the events of this morning spell out an entirely different situation if my memory serves me correctly,"
"No," I said, "This morning was just…confusing-"
"Because I'm pretty sure that 'boyfriend' of yours," Sebastian used air-quotes, "went off with Lydia and gave me a firm 'No' on the boyfriend label,"
He continued smiling but I don't think he enjoyed this conversation. If anything he seemed more upset over me explaining that I still wanted to be with Robert than finding out I had been using him.
"That was all Lydia's doing," I explained, "As soon as I get a chance to talk to Robert, it will all be worked out,"
"So you didn't tell him that you wanted to be together?" asked Sebastian.
"No, I did, he just didn't understand," I said, "He was going somewhere and there was just some problems communicating because so much was going on all at once. It was all so hectic,"
He nodded his head and smiled with sarcasm as if I was crazy.
"But he thought that you were separated for some time and this is why he and Lydia know each other so well?" asked Sebastian.
"No," I said, "That all happened just this morning. Lydia is just our neighbor,"
That made me angry. I felt that same frustration as the night I went jogging start bubbling up. He sat there nodding with his sarcastic smile as if he knew everything. I wanted to pour my coffee in his lap. I wished it was hot still. I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. Hot, angry tears threatened to spill over and water down my cold coffee.
Sebastian didn't say anything but his hand was on mine once more, rubbing gently instead of patting.
"Prussia, you are a wonderful woman-" he said.
"With a boyfriend," I murmured with a tearful catch in my throat.
"With a boyfriend that doesn't love you and is a not worthy of you," said Sebastian.
I looked up at him then, not wanting to hear what he had to say.
"That's your opinion," I said, "And it's wrong,"
I said it with as much conviction as I had. And for a second he didn’t continue, ate the words he had planned to say.
"If he loved you he would be sitting here next to you," said Sebastian, coldness to his voice, "not out with Lydia," and the last part had a touch of what I easily recognized as anger.
I couldn’t tell if he meant to direct his anger at Robert for not being here or Lydia for being what she was. It could have been both. But he was a touch angry for me and that melted some of my own anger towards him.
"I'm just trying to be honest, Prussia," he said, "You deserve so much better and I'm just asking for a chance to be that for you,"
I looked at his strong hand on top of mine and thought about it for a moment. Sebastian was handsome, strong, sophisticated, and he had saved my life once already. After what I had done to him I didn't deserve him if he was as wonderful as he seemed.
"I don't think I can," I said, "My heart is still Robert's, whether you believe he loves me or not, I still love him and I have to try,"
Sebastian sat back in his chair then. A look of thought crossing over his face. I felt studied. I felt naked in that moment as his eyes searched my face, thinking over some question without giving me a hint as to what it was.
"Robert is a fool," he said after a moment, "but then so am I,"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I don't want to be away from you, Prussia," said Sebastian, "And if that means trying to win you away from Robert then I'm willing to give it a try."
"I don't understand what you're saying," I said.
His face still looked thoughtful, but set in determination. His eyes had fierceness to them, a confidence.
"You owe me," he said.
&nbs
p; I hadn't expected that at all. My mouth fell open and I spilled my coffee. Too shocked to pay attention to the tiny puddle I had spilled on the table that made its way toward the edge. My eyes were locked with Sebastian’s. I was unaware as to what he actually meant and terrified to hear it explained. I wish he had just been angry. Angry I knew how to deal with. This I was not prepared for.
"I'm sorry?" I asked, looking for clarification.
"And so am I," said Sebastian, "but you owe me after using me and I hate to do this to you Prussia but I just can't let you go. I want to spend time with you, even if your heart belongs to another,"
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