She shook her head. “No, I… wish to remain here for a moment.”
He nodded, his hand touched her cheek in comfort, and then he was gone.
In the silence that followed, Maura felt colder and more alone than she ever had before.
* * *
chapter 17
* * *
She didn’t bother to look over and see who’d come in once Frank left. She knew who it would be. Her knight in shining armor, not only willing to slay the darkness that surrounded her but laughing at its sheer presence.
Julius settled down beside her in the chair that Frank had occupied. “What happened? As you well know, he wouldn’t tell me, no matter how many times I asked.”
Maura remained silent, unsure of how she would answer Julius’s question even if she could speak. For most of her life, she’d believed Albion dead. Now Frank didn’t agree. Perhaps he was wrong, but then again… How many times over the last thirteen years had she been told that she couldn’t trust her own thoughts? It had taken her years to accept herself and now Frank was asking her to accept something entirely new.
Could she? Not without evidence.
That thought nearly made her laugh. She refused to believe Albion was not a ghost until she had evidence. How ironic.
She’d likely truly go mad by waiting for his response.
But if Albion was real… It would mean so many things for her. It would be a new start. A new life, one that wasn’t weighed down by the mockery of others. She wouldn’t be mad. She’d simply have been a woman who’d been tricked.
She straightened and realized she liked the idea of being normal. Before, she’d had to work very hard to accept her differences from the other women, but now she wondered at the possibilities that lay before her if she were sane.
She hadn’t allowed herself to think toward the traditions of women. She could marry. She could have children. She could write a book.
She could ride a horse.
Wait. She could always ride a horse.
She laughed. Loudly. And stood.
Suddenly, the word was beautiful. Brighter. They’d catch Albion’s imposter, whoever the man was… that’s if he was a man at all. Frank believed, and she trusted him more than any other doctor.
She pressed her fist to her lips as she giggled. “Normal,” she whispered against her hands.
“What?” Julius moved around to look at her. “What did you say?”
She turned away from him and left the room. She needed air, space for her thoughts to travel. She moved toward the courtyard, nearly sprinting with the joy that threatened to bubble over.
Frank would find out the truth. Her father would then be told, and he’d allow her to stay free.
Free.
She quickened her steps and when she made it to the back doors, she threw them open and took in the sight of the setting sun. Orange and gold washed the world with warmth. She could feel it through her veins. Her heart raced, heated with pleasure and excitement. It was so abundant it overflowed, touching all her senses, making her skin tingle with mirth.
She walked down the steps that led down to the courtyard of a castle that had once stood as a defense against English enemies. Soldiers had once surrounded these very grounds, fighting for privilege and power and freedom.
She spun around, again and again. Her curls brushed her chin and cheeks, tickling her, making her laugh. She felt light, her feet barely touching the ground. The wind rushed around her, pulling her and keeping her straight as she kept spinning, like a dancer in an endless turn.
She took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around herself as she slowed.
“Normal.”
A pair of strong hands grabbed her. She opened her eyes just as Julius shook her.
“Have you gone mad?” His eyes were wild and a marvelous mauve against the evening sky. “What has gotten into you?”
She smiled up at him. “I’m sane, Julius.”
His arms tightened around her and he frowned. “All right. Well, let’s get you inside. Perhaps you’d rather take dinner in your room. You could rest there.” He didn’t believe her. He thought her losing her mind instead of finding it.
She laughed. “You’re so helpful, Julius. Here you are, thinking my mind unsettled, and yet… you stay. You remain my friend. Why?” Why? When so many others would have left her, stepped away, at least kept their distance. No one was as attentive to her as he was.
He arched a heavy brow. “Have you been drinking, my lady?”
She hadn’t, but she was unsteady on her feet. She’d spun too many times and if she was drunk, it was only on happiness. Her joy still made her warm. She felt like she was baking in an oven in the most wonderful of ways. She was leaning into him as well. He was keeping her upright, keeping her secure. She was protected in his arms.
Her arms moved to rest against his chest and then she lowered her head.
Julius bent his mouth close to her ear. “Would you like me to have a servant bring dinner to your room?”
She tightened her fingers around his jacket and shook her head. Then she breathed him in and closed her eyes. She enjoyed the texture of his clothes, the feel of his heart beating in his wide chest. He smelled so wonderful. She could taste it in her mouth. Silly, but true.
“Maura” His voice was soft.
She lifted her head just enough to meet his eyes.
Before, they’d been gentle, but now they were acute like dark gems that took in everything about his moment.
Her hand slid up his neck and she felt his pulse jump against her fingers, his blood pounding hard. His breath was as rushed as her own.
His expression intensified, becoming foreboding. “Maura.” Her name was a calling even as it was a warning.
Desire skimmed down her body and settled between her legs until she was forced to tighten her muscles.
She pressed into him, soaking in his heat, and let her hand settled in his hair. She twined her fingers in the golden strands before binding them in a tight fist, locking him in place.
He released a low groaned and shook. His hands moved to her hips and he stiffened. “Maura.” More warning than a calling this time, but she ignored it.
How many nights had she stayed awake dreaming of this moment? He’d all but brought her body to torching heights this morning during shuttlecock, stroking and touching her, rising her arousal while leaving her in need.
She wanted this and now there was little in her to stop it while the very fabric of her being urged her on.
He opened his mouth.
She forced his head down to hers and locked her lips onto his. She had had no clue what she was doing but knew what she wanted. Him. His lips. She stroked her tongue against his lower one, sucking on it, greedy for him.
His fingers bit into her hips and for a moment, she thought he would push her away.
But then his mouth took hers, slowing her down, tapering her giddiness and soothing her urging into something more graceful and ladylike.
He locked a hand on her jaw, fully taking control of the kiss, and whispered, “This is so very bad.” Then he said the last thing she ever thought he’d say, “I knew you’d taste this good.”
* * *
chapter 18
* * *
His kiss was skillful but just as hungry as her own.
Knowing he’d actually thought of kissing her made her glad it ignited an aching urgency within her.
His voice was rough. “Open your mouth.”
She did. His tongue skimmed her lips and tongued her own. He groaned. “We shouldn’t be doing this.” But his words didn’t align with his actions.
And Maura had no intentions of ending this anytime soon.
She sucked on him, wanting more of him. Her fingers tightened on him more.
His chuckled against her lips. “Maura, you’ve no idea what you’ve done.”
She thought she did, until he placed his hands on her bottom and lifted her in his arms.
She gasped against his mouth as he started to move, still kissing her and groaned the entire way. “Oh, Maura,” he growled. “You’ve no clue how very exquisite you are.”
She shivered and then let out a shout when she felt them start down a flight of stairs. She clung to him, wrapping her arms around him and broke the kiss to see where they were going.
They reached the gardens and then Julius took them in the shade of the trees and pressed her against the castle’s stone wall, hiding them from the view of the house and the garden.
She barely had a moment to think before he was kissing her once more.
The shade was cool, but Julius touch was enough to sear her skin. He pressed his body into hers, and she felt the impression of his stiff member.
“You didn’t kiss your other lovers?” he asked against her mouth.
She smiled. It must have been evident that she’d never kissed a man before, but she was sure that she’d found in Julius a wonderful tutor. “I’ve had no other lovers.”
He grinned against her mouth and then it fell before he became like stone. “You’ve had no other lovers? Ever?”
She shook her head and placed her hands around his neck. “You can be my first.” And only.
The part of her that had always wished for this man above all others, the part of her that she’d quieted and set aside under childish wishes, woke with a start inside of her, turning her neediness into something else entirely.
With the sun setting on the other side of the castle, not only were his eyes unreadable, but so was his expression.
He was quiet for a moment and then she felt the brush of his lips. Her heart rose until he took it away once more and then stepped completely out of her grip. He cursed.
She frowned. “Julius, what’s the matter?” She didn’t know men grew angry about a woman’s virginity. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? She didn’t ask though. In the next minute, he was pulling her from the trees and marching them back into the courtyard.
When he spoke, he wasn’t cold, but very distant. “We’re late for dinner. You’ll arrive before me, and I’ll come later, so that no one will know we’ve been together.” He didn’t sound like the man who thought her exquisite in the least.
“I don’t mind if people think we’re together,” she said. Hadn’t he only proposed to her that very moment? Women were rarely maidens on their wedding day anyway. It was the reason engagements could not be broken. So much could happen during the private moments of one’s courtship.
But so much was different now since when he’d asked her to marry him. She would tell him what Frank had said, she decided. She would tell him she wasn’t mad. She opened her mouth to do just that.
He cut her off. He sounded frustrated. “I thought there had been others. The Spinsters claimed that you were the one who taught them all their various tricks for when they’re beneath the sheets.”
Her cheeks heated. Was he upset because he wished her to be more experienced? “I only tell them what I’d read in books. I, in no way, have experience in the acts of lovemaking myself.” They made it into the house before Maura stopped. “I don’t see why you’re upset by this.”
He rounded on her. In the lamplight, she could see his expression clearly. Fury filled his eyes. “A woman’s… first lover will be important to her.”
She stared at him and was surprised by her steadiness. Her heart raced so quickly she was surprised it hadn’t knocked her over. “Why is it wrong for you to be important to me?”
His gaze was frank and suddenly very, very cold. “Because, I can’t afford for you to think me capable of giving you more than I can.”
She shook her head. “I don’t understand, Julius. You already proposed.”
He ran his hands through his hair, his eyes wide. “Yes, but I made it clear that our marriage would be in name only. Do you honestly believe we’d ever be like our friends? Did you think I’d fall in love with you and follow in your shadow like Emmett does with Lorena or any of the other Brothers do with their wives?”
Maura stepped back, and her lips trembled. “I… you said in the courtyard…”
He shook his head and turned away. “I never should have kissed you. I should never have let it happen. Now, you think I...” He shook his head again, the action scoring her heart. Then he looked at her again, his brows furrowed. And then, they softened. “Maura, you’re… not like the other women. You have a head illness.” Her words were gentle, his eyes tender, yet they only made it worse. “We could never be more than what I offered you this morning. Yes, I would have enjoyed bedding you tonight, but… it’s a party.” He shrugged, as though that equated to everything he felt for her. “Nothing more would have come from this.”
Maura blinked her emotions from her face but allowed them to fester internally, wrecking and destroying everything she’d ever thought about this man, had ever felt for him.
And it was all made worse by his attempt at kindness. He wouldn’t simply tell her the score in the cruel manner she was sure he’d done with his many other lovers. Instead, he treated her like she was deranged, as though she were only a child and needed things said slowly in order to grasp it.
She allowed a brush of anger to creep into her veins, but it wouldn’t quiet the pain or the shattered reality.
Julius thought her completely out of her mind.
“All right,” she whispered, ever so proud that she could manage it. “I’m mad.”
He studied her and then closed his eyes. He suddenly looked exhausted. Exhausted of her and likely their friendship. How long had he been tiptoeing around her? Were they truly friends at all or were all his acts of kindness nothing more than pity? “Maura, I’m terribly sorry.”
She nodded, fearing speech too greatly at the moment.
He sighed. “You’re… different. Do you understand? You—”
“You should go to dinner,” she whispered. “I’ll take my meal in my room.”
He opened his eyes and let his shoulders fall. “That would be wise. You seem to have had a trying day.”
Oh, she most certainly had, but she wasn’t retreating to her room because she was mad. She was going to lock herself away, so she could properly cry. “Good night.” She spun around and rushed from the hall.
The first tear fell when she reached the end of the hall.
* * *
chapter 19
* * *
Julius should never have kissed her. It was all he could think about as he sat amongst their friends at dinner the next night. Frank had excused himself early along with their friend Francis, the Duke of Valdeston. The two men nodded at the party’s host, Morris, and even Emmett, relating something in private about the impromptu trip away from the house, before leaving.
Julius stared Frank and Francis down as they departed from the room but neither glanced his way. There was something happening that he wasn’t privy to. No matter, the Brotherhood rarely had secrets. He was sure he’d learn what was the matter before the evening was over.
He only half listened to talk about the events for tomorrow’s games. His mind was on Maura, as were a few of the Spinsters who commented on seeing her once the meal ended.
He wondered if Maura would tell them about the kiss? If she did, it wouldn’t matter. He’d already committed himself to this marriage. He’d not let her return to Bedlam, though he thought their friendship could use a bit of distance.
He’d kissed her.
No, she’d kissed him without any skill and with a greediness that was so consuming that Julius felt himself began to harden again just at the thought. He’d suspected the passion that rested underneath her lithe body and now he knew it was there. She’d not been bashful about wanting him and deep within himself, he could tell it had been more than just a kiss she was after. She seemed to wish to absorb him, and he’d wanted nothing more than to hand himself over completely. Never had someone touched him with such enthusiasm.
He wanted her still.
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Before they’d kissed, he’d wanted her, which was why he’d set the expectations of their marriage early. They had to live separately or too much time alone with Maura would lead to disaster. She’d already destroyed many of his well-placed defenses when her lips had touched his… when she’d threaded her fingers through his hair and tugged him down, holding him in place. Her grip had inflamed him, and his cock had risen in an effort to give her exactly what it was she sought.
There was little doubt in his mind that they’d be heavenly in bed together. He’d been both glad and saddened when he’d found out she’d yet to take a lover. The sadness and anger had made sense, but Julius still didn’t understand how her intact maidenhead pleased him in any way… or how it continued to make him hard.
It was likely because he’d never had someone of his very own. His mother had likely loved him for a time, but at some point, she’d turned against him. It was commonplace for a mother to love her child, Julius knew, so what did that say for him?
Maura would be his and he’d get their entire wedding night to make sure she knew it, but once consummated, he’d never visit her again. They’d come together when their friends were together. Without question. He’d never separate her from her friends, but he couldn’t give her anything more. What he offered was safety from her father. Not his heart.
The meal couldn’t have ended soon enough, and the men swiftly found their way to the parlor before Calvin spoke as he fell into a chair. “What’s going on?”
Morris closed the door behind him and leaned against it. The Duke of Cort was a taller than average gentleman, with dark hair and green eyes. He was patient, precise, and an extraordinary hunter who wasn’t afraid to use every skill when it came to gathering votes in Parliament or protecting his friends. “Frank was vague, but he did say that we should make sure Maura doesn’t leave until he returns, even if her mother or father, who are apparently on their way, insist it.”
Maura’s Special Spinster’s Society (The Spinster’s Society) (A Regency Romance Book) Page 7
