We were similar, Alex and I. He knew it, I knew it. Around him I could be me—mean, vindictive, and competitive to a fault. I could make catty remarks without judgment, I could talk openly about my desire to crush my competition. Alex knew that part of me and was cool with it, just like I’d come to accept his fondness for flirting with anything that moved and his ability to tune out any conversation that didn’t have to do with sports.
What we’d had wasn’t perfect, but it had been comfortable. But, as Julian has been reminding me all week—even hell was comfortable after you’d been there a while. What was it Julian had said last night on the phone? Comfort was the lazy man’s version of happiness. It’s easy, he’d said. And you are not easy.
That of course had led to a bit of banter about how easy I was or wasn’t, which came dangerously close to flirting but we both stopped before we crossed the line.
That’s how it had been all week. We hung out every day and we talked. Just talked. Sometimes at school, always on the way home from school when he gave me a ride since my car was in the shop. Some days even that wasn’t enough so we texted or talked on the phone well into the night.
Last night’s lecture was still fresh in my mind and I knew what I had to do. Still, I sighed and let myself enjoy the ease of having Alex’s arm around me for one more second. It was a cowardly moment, I’d be the first to admit it. It was too tempting by far to just go along with it. How easy would it be to just lean into him and say yes? Or even just nod. A nod was all it would take to put my life back on track.
There would be no doubt in anyone’s mind that I was going to win prom queen if I just nodded right now and we went together as the school’s most established couple. The favorite couple—to watch from afar, at least, if not to root for. The crown would be in the bag. Alex and I were a force to be reckoned with when we were together and we both knew it.
I’d win. The thought was beyond tempting. I didn’t just hate to lose, I did whatever it took to avoid it.
I shot another look in Julian’s direction and let reason reign supreme. I’d win, but it would be a hollow victory. I didn’t need Julian to tell me that. Though he would. I felt an honest smile tugging at my lips at the thought. Julian would have plenty to say on the topic—he always did. He had theories and arguments for everything. And right now I could practically hear him lecturing me on how I didn’t need Alex to win prom queen. I could win on my own merit.
The naïve dork actually meant it, too.
With a sigh I shrugged out from under Alex’s arm. “Who’s this we?”
Everyone at our table exchanged meaningful looks at my caustic tone. Melody smirked—poor thing probably thought this gave her a shot at winning the crown. Alex rolled his eyes and went back to his sandwich. He didn’t look moved at all. He probably still thought I was playing hard to get.
His confidence that I’d go with him made me want to stomp on his feet with my new pair of heels.
I barely listened as the conversation went on around me. I was busy counting the seconds until the end of this school day, a day that would seemingly never end. I was stuck in a horrific time loop in which I had to hear “Oh my God, your hair is brown!” every five seconds.
By the time the bell rang, I was half out of my seat, running away so I wouldn’t have to endure another run-in with Alex.
I wasn’t quick enough. He fell into step beside me and I ignored him.
“Come on, baby, don’t be like that,” Alex said.
Baby. It was always “baby” this and “baby” that when he was in the doghouse. But this time he wasn’t in the doghouse. He was fully evicted, off the property with a virtual restraining order against him.
He just didn’t know it yet. Or at least, it hadn’t gotten through that thick, conceited skull of his. His arm around my shoulders felt too heavy, too intimate. His familiar scent was cloying, a temptation and a turn-off all at once. It was only tempting because it was a comfort. It was familiar. It was safety.
But for how long?
Only until the next time he hurt me. And he would hurt me. I honestly wasn’t sure he could help himself. That thought helped me gather the strength to shrug his arm off my shoulders once more. “Give it up, Alex. This time is different. We’re done.”
He stopped in the hallway and I stopped too, forcing myself to face him. Be strong, be strong, be strong.
Some of that easygoingness faded from his smile. In fact, the whole smile faded into oblivion. “What’s up with you, Tina? Why are you being like this?”
He seemed honestly confused. Hurt, even. And maybe that was partly my fault. Maybe I’d trained him to believe that he could do anything he wanted, hurt me as many times as he wanted, and I would always take him back.
He took a step closer and brushed my hair softly. “I like the new hair.”
He used the soft, sweet tone that used to make my knees go weak. Now it just made my stomach turn. Funny how in some ways the longer I resisted him, the easier it got to keep my distance.
Oh there was still a temptation, but these days I’d been realizing it wasn’t him I wanted so much as the security of our relationship. Julian had been helping me to see that. Alex and I might not have had the trust or the kindness that other couples had, but there was a comfort there. When we were together he was my ally in a school full of rivals and gossips.
When we were good it was me and him against the world. No one was a stronger supporter or a better champion. And vice versa. When we were up we were up. But it wasn’t stable, and it wasn’t sustainable. I didn’t know why. Maybe because we weren’t truly in love with one another. Not anymore, at least.
I studied those handsome features that I knew so well and nostalgia made it hard to breathe. I liked to think that at some point in our long convoluted history there was genuine love between us, but at some point it had died amidst all the betrayal and heartbreak, all the drama and fighting.
With that charming smile gone, he looked at me like he used to. He was just Alex and I was just Tina. He wasn’t trying to get something from me and I wasn’t trying to get a reaction out of him.
“What’s going on with you?” he asked, a hint of accusation in his voice. “You’ve been acting weird.”
I shrugged. I had been acting strangely, even to myself. I mean, the hair wasn’t the only time I’d surprised myself lately, and it felt like the longer I was out of this on-again-off-again routine, the more I didn’t know myself.
Or maybe I was just rediscovering myself.
God, how hokey did that sound? Ugh.
I gave Alex a helpless shrug. “I don’t know. I guess…I guess I’m just going through something.”
He nodded slowly. Empathy and emotional intelligence had never been Alex’s strong suit and simple, honest conversations like this one were a rarity. He shifted on his feet and I crossed my arms and looked away.
Neither of us was in our element here. It would be so much easier if I just caved and let him kiss me until we caused a scene in the hallway. PDA was sort of our thing.
It would have been even easier to just throw a hissy fit, remind him of what he’d done wrong and run in the opposite direction. Public displays of outrage were also our thing.
Might as well give the crowd something to talk about. As it was we must have looked bizarre. The great, dramatic Alex-and-Tina standing awkwardly together in stilted silence.
When I met Alex’s gaze again, his eyes were hard. “So you’re serious about not going to the prom with me?”
I blinked. That’s what this was about for him?
I mean, yeah, I was stressed about the prom too, but he was a guy. He wasn’t supposed to care about that. I was the one who’d already spent a small fortune on my dream dress. I was the one who would be dateless and pathetic since every eligible guy I knew had a date lined up.
I rubbed at my forehead, wondering what I was supposed to say to that. I mean, I knew what I would have said to that before. I would have gotten angry,
hidden my hurt behind that rage and made a scene worthy of one of those housewives’ shows.
But I was tired. Just thinking about pulling off a dramatic scene like that made me exhausted.
Either I was maturing or I was coming down with mono.
I instantly thought of how I should say that to Julian. He’d find it funny.
“This isn’t amusing, Tina,” Alex said sharply.
It was then that I realized I’d been smiling. It was a stupid habit I’d picked up ever since Julian and I had started hanging out. Was it my fault the guy made me laugh?
But now I made a concerted effort to look appropriately grim. “I’m sorry, Alex. I just…I don’t want to fight with you anymore.”
He looked stricken. More shocked than when I’d first refused to go to prom with him, which he had not seen coming. “What do you mean, you don’t want to fight?”
To anyone else, his confusion might have seemed odd. I mean, who liked to fight?
We did.
Or, we used to. It was all part of the game, our give and take, our unhealthy but totally addictive relationship. He loved the drama of it all. I used to tease him that he’d be bored if we didn’t fight and there was some truth in that. But it wasn’t just him. I’d liked it in a weird way too.
It wasn’t easy to admit that to myself, to take responsibility for the world of pain I’d gone through these past few years. But I could have stopped it, I could have ended it. And I hadn’t. Not until now.
“Look,” I said carefully, licking my lips and tugging at the hem of my shirt as I sought the right words. “I’m not trying to fight right now. I just want this to be done between us. For real.”
His eyes were so wide I felt a swift jolt of guilt at what I was doing. But guilt would weaken my resolve and this had to be done, once and for all. “I’m sorry, Alex. We have a long history and I’ll always care about you but—”
“But I love you, baby.” His words were rushed and pleading, and my heart broke all over again.
But I didn’t believe him. As gently as I could, I reached out to take his hands. “No, you don’t.” I shook my head quickly. “Or maybe you do, I don’t know. I can’t tell you what you feel, but I do know that if you really loved me you wouldn’t keep hurting me.”
He looked stricken for a moment and then just as quickly his eyes narrowed. “Is this because of that hipster loser you’ve been hanging out with?”
I blinked a few times as my brain caught up to speed with his sudden change in tactics.
“No, I—” But the words stopped, my throat closing up on me as if I was truly incapable of telling a lie. Because it would have been a lie to say that Julian wasn’t a part of this. His friendship, or whatever this was between us, it had made me see what was really between me and Alex.
Or, more precisely, what wasn’t between us.
Alex caught my hesitation and pounced. “You’re not with that guy, are you?” His voice had gone from super soft to flinty hard in a nanosecond. “You can’t be serious, Tina. You’ll eat that kid alive.”
I blinked up at him in shock. I mean, I’d expected him to mock Julian as soon as he mentioned him. I expected him to say how he wasn’t worth my time, or something like that. What he’d actually said made me freeze, my heart twisting painfully in my chest. Mainly because it hadn’t sounded like he was intentionally being mean, just honest. He thought I’d hurt Julian.
And he probably wasn’t wrong. My stomach churned with something sick and ugly as the realization hit me hard. But I shoved the thought and the gross feeling in my gut out of my mind because Alex had started looking around the hallways. I swear I could smell the testosterone levels rising. “Where is that jackass? If I get my hands on him—”
My weary sigh interrupted his burgeoning tirade. “Oh, cut it out.”
He looked down at me in surprise. I’d even surprised myself with my exasperated tone. I wasn’t hysterical trying to stop him or ready to burst into tears for some melodramatic conclusion to this little scene he was staging. And a scene was exactly what this was. He was playacting like we’d been doing in some form or another for years.
We’d been playing roles in our relationships, just like we did in our lives.
And I was tired. I was so freakin’ tired.
“You’re not going to do anything to Julian,” I explained calmly once I had his full attention. “Because there’s nothing between us but friendship. But even if there was—that’s none of your business anymore.”
I reached up and patted his cheek gently as I’d done countless times before, after a baseball loss or before a football game, it was a signature gesture in the Tina-and-Alex playbook.
“It’s over, Alex.” I went up on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “For good.”
Minutes after school let out I was hyperventilating in Julian’s car. “What have I done?”
“You did what you had to do,” he said, patting my knee in the super close quarters of his Prius.
I groaned and let my head fall back against the headrest. “Then why do I feel so miserable?”
He gave me a frustratingly calm smile. “Because it wasn’t the easy way out.”
“Oh my God,” I moaned. “If you give me another lecture on the dangers of the comfort zone, I swear I’ll puke in your car.”
He was laughing softly and the sound was soothing. He had a nice laugh. And great hands. I’d watched him practice guitar a few times now when I’d gone to his house to “study.” And by study I meant hang out and watch him strum his guitar while we hashed out the finer details of why exactly breakups were the pits.
It was a topic we’d officially talked to death.
He patted my knee again and this time his hand paused for a second too long. Have I mentioned how much I liked his hands? They were big and firm. Manly hands. Was that a thing? I was rapidly developing a thing for those hands. An intensely physical thing.
Like right now, I dropped my gaze so I could see his hand on my knee. My knee which was bare thanks to the short skirt of my sundress.
My mouth went dry as I took in the sight, which should so not have been a turn-on.
But it was.
Ugh, I had to get a grip. I was having a meltdown over here. This was so not the time to go swooning over a freakin’ hand.
He pulled his arm back as if he’d had the same thought at the same time, though that probably wasn’t the case.
We were friends. Friends, friends, friends. Even though I didn’t really do friends. But we were friends. Friends who’d kissed…
Have I mentioned how hot that kiss was?
Yeah, it was intense.
“I’m proud of you,” he said.
My heart clenched painfully with a feeling I couldn’t quite place but I managed a snarky, “Thanks, coach.”
It was a phrase we used on each other often these days since we seemed to take turns giving each other pep talks.
The silence between us shifted and his gaze on me felt heavy. Nothing about this felt friend-like, but I wasn’t sure what to make of that. Much as we’d been talking this past week we hadn’t actually spoken about the kiss. We’d fallen into this friend zone and neither of us questioned it or mentioned it.
So when silences like this came up, I got uneasy. Not bad uneasy, necessarily. To be perfectly honest, part of me was hoping he’d kiss me again. But there was another part of me that screamed bad idea! We were both too messed up right now, and even if we weren’t, he wasn’t my type.
You’ll eat that kid alive.
And then there was that. Thanks, Alex, for putting it so kindly. But he’d had a point. How could I be pissed at Leila for dragging this nice guy into her world of games if I was sitting here hoping he’d kiss me again?
I couldn’t. It was a mistake. I shifted slightly as though that would help put distance between us in this small space.
We were friends, that was all.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked, his voice so impossibly tender it mad
e my throat close up with emotion. I nodded, but he was waiting for me to speak. Since there was no way in hell I was about to tell him what Alex had said about me—about us—I went with a half-truth. “I don’t know what I’m going to do about prom.”
He let out a breath that was half sigh, half laugh. I was starting to know his exhales intimately.
When I looked up he was giving me that adorable lopsided smile, the one that said you’re crazy, but you’re cute.
Or maybe it just said you’re crazy and the rest was me being optimistic.
“Seriously? You just had a huge breakthrough with the jerk who’s been holding you back for years and you’re worried about a stupid dance?”
“Holding me back?” I repeated that phrase because it struck me to my core. Holding me back. Had Alex really been holding me back?
From what?
But then the rest of Julian’s words filtered through my brain and I turned to face him with crossed arms. “Hey. Just because you’re not into once-in-a-lifetime school events that we’ll remember for the rest of our lives doesn’t mean you get to judge me, got it?”
His smile was full-fledged now. He knew me well enough to know I wasn’t really pissed. As he’d aptly pointed out earlier this week, when I was really pissed, everyone knew it. There was no question about it.
“Well, when you put it that way…” he teased. “Maybe I should go to this once in a lifetime event.”
I blinked at him. “You were seriously not going to go?”
He arched his brows and nodded. “Seriously.”
“That’s messed up.”
“You’re messed up.” He said it quickly and in that funny tone that always made me smile.
I shook my head as I laughed. “Forget it, I shouldn’t have even brought it up.”
He shifted in his seat so he was facing me in the cramped space. “No, I want to understand.” He reached out and tapped my knee again. “Explain it to me. Why is this so important to you?”
The Prom Kiss Page 9
