She sniffled. “You promise?”
“I promise,” I repeated. “You can do this.”
As I watched her nod, relief spreading across her face, I pulled out the gift I’d gotten downstairs. It was a small jewelry box that easily fit in my pocket.
Ellie’s eyes widened. “What’s that?”
I unlaced our hands and set it in her palm. “A gift. I know flowers and balloons are traditional. Practically speaking though, they don’t make much sense. Both are temporary and a pain to lug home.”
She was smiling, like she had when I’d walked in, and something settled inside me. Ellie slowly lifted the lid. Almost a minute passed before she started crying again.
“You don’t like it?” I sat up straighter. I normally shied away from buying gifts—I’d never been very good at it. But this had felt right. With a frown, I said, “I can get you flowers. I—”
“No. No.” This time she was laughing through her tears. “I love it.” Ellie looked up, and I swear to God my heart stopped. “I love it,” she repeated.
I relaxed and nodded as I stared down at it. It was a simple silver necklace, holding a silver heart with the initial A on it.
“It’s perfect,” she whispered, tracing the letter. I felt overwhelmed so I looked down at her son. Noticing his bassinet was crooked, I straightened it and then put my hand in to gently rub his stomach.
I watched Andy’s brown eyes struggle to open. When his gaze finally met mine, it felt like the entire world stopped. My life was put on pause while I tried to reconfigure it to add this new person. It was the same way I felt the first time I saw Ellie. It was undoubtedly presumptuous, but it was also automatic. I didn’t know what it meant then and I was petrified of what it might mean now, yet I couldn’t deny how it filled me with warmth and a sense of belonging.
For better or worse, and whether I liked it or not, these two people were a part of me. And even though I hadn’t made such a vow in over eight years, that night I swore to myself I’d always protect them. No matter what.
It didn’t take long to realize that my plan of staying neutral with Ellie was completely blown to shit. I knew it the day she’d given birth to Andy, almost a month ago. In fact, I was pretty sure I knew since the beginning it was never going to work. My initial reaction to her was too strong to end in the role of acquaintance. But that didn’t change my original declaration. I still had to protect her. I would just have to tread lightly and make sure I kept my objectivity. I could be friends with her without losing sight of that. Or at least that was what I’d thought…
But it was hard when all I wanted to do every time I saw her was pull her into my arms. She was effortlessly magnetic.
There was a lot I was able to admit to myself now that I realized staying away was impossible. Like how attracted to her I was. Part of me always thought I should’ve felt guilty since she was pregnant. But should didn’t really matter. I was.
I’d see her in her thigh-highs, and all I could imagine was falling on my knees and tasting her.
I hadn’t seen Ellie as much as I’d like. Only three times since she’d been released from the hospital. I’d picked up extra shifts for a few guys who went on vacation, and she was adjusting to her new role as a mother.
But today I was spending the entire day with the two of them. We were sitting on her living room floor; my back was to the couch and my legs were stretched out before me, while Ellie sat a few feet away. She’d just finished feeding Andy and was now burping him.
“How are you doing?” I asked, carefully watching her face for any possible lie. She gave me a tired smile, but no one could doubt the love that radiated from it.
“I’m doing good. Obviously there are a lot of adjustments, but so far everything has been good. I—” She’d just pulled her son off her shoulder when he coughed up some more, missing the burp cloth.
“Shoot.” Ellie looked down at her T-shirt that now had spit-up on it. “Here. Can you hold him?” she asked me. She was distracted, trying not to get any on him or me, so she couldn’t see my wide eyes or pale face.
“Uhh… s-sure,” I mumbled, gently taking him from her before Ellie scurried from the room.
I hadn’t held him since the first time in the hospital. And now I was alone with him. My hands were nestled under his armpits and my arms were extended, holding him away from me.
Andy just stared at me, unimpressed, as I tried to figure out what the heck to do. What did babies like? I remembered Naomi mentioning something about singing…
I shook my head; I didn’t want to torture the poor kid.
Should I burp him more?
Bounce him?
All of a sudden his face crumpled and an ear-shattering wail filled the room. I quickly pulled him closer. “Shh… shhh…”
Shit.
She’d never leave me alone with him again.
Thankfully, once I had him nestled against me, slowly rocking him, he quieted down. My hand was on his chest, adjusting his onesie, when he grabbed my finger. His eyes fluttered shut as he kept a loose grip on it. But even when his breathing evened out, I couldn’t pull away.
Nothing about this was forced. His hold on me felt natural; and I had a feeling that in no time at all it would be me wrapped around his finger.
LIFE WAS UNBELIEVABLE SOMETIMES. How quickly it changed.
A year ago I was probably sitting in some stoner’s loft on my way to getting completely hammered, hooking up with random guys and doing things that could have landed me in jail—or worse.
As it was, I didn’t know who my baby’s father was. The nights I spent drinking were a blur. I’d tried to think about where I was the weekend the doctor told me I’d likely conceived, but I couldn’t even remember that much.
I broke down in her office. She was surprisingly understanding and pointed me in all the right directions.
Part of me didn’t understand her sympathy, part of me wanted her to hate me. I hated me. I hated this weakness inside me.
It started slowly, innocently. It was the kind of problem you didn’t even realize you had until you were too deep in it to get out. Even though I was young—too young—when I started heavily drinking, it hadn’t felt like a problem. I supposed that was how all problems started. It was strange that such a disaster of a species was so confident in their ability to keep themselves in control, as if good men didn’t fall every day.
I fell.
But I was slowly picking myself back up.
My life right now would be unrecognizable to that scared twenty-year-old from last year.
Sober.
Mother.
Happy. Or at least on my way to it.
That wasn’t to say everything was suddenly easy. My happiness didn’t magically get rid of my worries or doubts.
I hardly slept. If I wasn’t up with Andy, I was lying in bed and staring at his crib, waiting for him to need me. Every little noise woke me. Every cry had my heart pounding out of my chest, wondering if I was doing something wrong or whether it was a normal reaction.
Surprisingly, I hadn’t thought about alcohol once in the month since I’d brought Andy home. Grayson had been right. My fears were just like every other mother’s. Realizing this didn’t completely alleviate my nerves, but it helped.
The month had been hectic. Damien continued working two jobs and Naomi was about to start law school. Adding a new baby to the mix made us all somewhat sleep-deprived. Yet I could tell they felt the exact same way I did. They loved Andy and wouldn’t change a single second of our currently hectic life.
“You seem good,” Joy commented as the two of us sat in my living room. She’d come over to talk about AA, and I told her everything I possibly could about my son. I wasn’t sure how because Andy could literally only do about five things, yet the conversation mainly revolved around him.
Joy brought up tacos, and somehow I found a way to bring up Andy.
Oh, I wonder what his favorite food will be!
She
mentioned she was going to be a fairy for Halloween next month.
What should Andy’s first costume be?
She needed to go to the bookstore.
What do you think his first word will be?
On and on it went. The natural segues became fewer and farther between. I should have felt bad—Joy had things going on in her life too, and I didn’t want to make her feel less important. Talking about Andy was simply a reflex. Some part of me was still waiting for him to be taken away. For someone to come busting in here and tell me I was unfit or how I was failing him. It was almost like I was trying to keep talking about him in an effort to prove how committed I was.
See, I love my son. I hardly think about anything else!
Luckily Joy didn’t seem to mind my ramblings. In fact, her grin widened every single time.
“You really think so?” I asked, remembering her comment about me doing well. Even though I thought I was doing a good job, I ate up every compliment I got.
“Of course.” She smiled. “Don’t you—?”
Joy’s question was cut off by a loud screech coming from the back of the apartment. From my bedroom where Naomi and Andy were…
Everything happened instantaneously, and yet I felt like I was moving too slow. My eyes locked with Damien’s, who was sitting at the kitchen table, before all three of us jumped up and raced toward my room.
There was a changing table right next to his crib, and that was where Naomi had taken him when she’d offered to change his diaper. She’d only done it a couple times, but she’d insisted I spend time relaxing.
Dozens of scenarios raced through my mind.
He rolled off the table…
He grabbed the tube of diaper rash cream and ate it…
The fan fell on him…
They got progressively crazier and less likely from there. I couldn’t breathe by the time I reached the doorway, but when I finally took in the scene, I relaxed.
Andy was completely fine. He was smiling and kicking his legs as Naomi stood there frozen. I stepped forward and saw she’d already disposed of his dirty diaper and had been getting ready to fasten the clean one she’d slid under him. I couldn’t find the source of Naomi’s scream.
All of a sudden I wrinkled my nose. Everything seemed normal except…
“Why does it smell like—?” The question froze on my lips when I finally focused on Naomi. She was still, probably in shock, and holding her hands away from her like they were infected. The yellow spot on her white T-shirt was slowly growing wider, and there were trace amounts of urine on her chin and neck.
Damien reached my side and busted out laughing. Hard enough that he doubled over and had to grab his stomach. Naomi glared at her boyfriend.
“He pissed on you?” he asked, trying to control his laughter. I was pretty sure it was too little, too late.
“Yes.”
“Sweetheart, you need to hold a towel over him—”
“That’s really helpful now,” she snapped.
“I learned it the hard way, too,” I chimed in, figuring it would help if someone else could relate.
“You knew and didn’t think to warn me?”
I cringed. Or maybe it wouldn’t help…
“I’m sorry. It happened two weeks ago, in the middle of the night—I sort of forgot about it amidst everything else.” I grabbed Andy’s leg before he really did roll off. “I’ll finish changing him.”
“C’mon, Naomi. Don’t be mad,” Damien tried again. “There’s no substitute for experience.” He couldn’t suppress his grin.
She flashed another murderous glare at her boyfriend and stomped out of the room, right past Joy, who was standing in the doorway.
“I’m surprised you enjoy sleeping on your couch so much. I would think you’d be too tall for it,” Joy said, looking Damien over from head to toe.
His brows furrowed. “What are you talking about?”
“You didn’t actually think you were going to be allowed in the bedroom tonight after laughing at her, did you?”
I shook my head and laughed at her exaggerated pout and the realization washing over my brother’s face. Turning toward Andy, I smiled down at him and finished changing him.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself. All men have to sleep on the couch eventually,” Joy continued. “But hey, there’s no substitute for experience.” I looked over to see her lightly punching him in the shoulder.
“It was a joke,” he mumbled as he left the room dejectedly.
“Oh man… he has it bad, doesn’t he?” Joy asked with a laugh.
“He sure does. He asked her to move in.” Diaper fastened, I lifted Andy up and onto my hip.
“Seriously? Hasn’t it only been a few months?”
I shrugged. “About eight since they met.”
Most might think it was strange that Naomi was moving in with us after knowing Damien for less than a year, but since her roommate, Alara, was moving in with her own boyfriend, and Damien was obsessed with Naomi, it just made sense.
“And you don’t mind? This apartment is kind of small.” She lowered her voice and stepped closer.
“Not at all. Damien does so much for me, I’d do anything for him. Besides, I really like Naomi. She’s good for him.”
“When’s she moving in?”
“Later this week. Damien took off Friday and Saturday to help her get settled.”
Andy started crying, apparently unhappy with being ignored for two minutes. Joy leaned forward and rubbed her nose against his before blowing a raspberry on his cheek. Andy hiccupped, spittle flying from his mouth. I was smiling so wide my face hurt.
There were people who thought I couldn’t do this. Who thought I shouldn’t even attempt to do this. And there were times, at four in the morning when he kept crying for no apparent reason, that I wondered how I was going to do it. Luckily my fears never lasted long. Because every time he smiled, I remembered how lucky I was.
I’d always known I wanted a child one day. So even though it had been nerve-wracking to find out I was pregnant, and despite the hard times and the setbacks, I wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.
It may not be a perfect scenario, but what it produced was perfect. I would have the pleasure of loving my son longer.
It was moving day. Naomi, Alara, and Gabe—Alara’s boyfriend—were all moving out of their old apartments today. Since Alara and Gabe had twice as much stuff to transport most of their mutual friends were helping them, whereas Naomi asked her mom, her mom’s boyfriend, and—much to my surprise—Grayson to help her and Damien. Naomi’s mom and her mom’s boyfriend were at Naomi’s old apartment loading stuff while Damien, Grayson, and Naomi were unloading Damien’s car here.
I wasn’t allowed to do anything. When I’d asked what I could carry, both my brother and Grayson said “nothing” at the same time. They shared a look before leaving to bring in more boxes.
“It’s not like she just squatted and had Andy right here in the living room,” Naomi mumbled to herself. She shook her head and followed them out. There were still lingering side effects, but four weeks had passed, and I didn’t feel as fragile as they seemed to think.
Since I had nothing else to do I went to check on Andy. He was still lying on his back in his crib, sucking on his thumb, while he napped. I came back out a few minutes later and Naomi was sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone, with her feet kicked up on the coffee table.
“I complained about the heat once and have now been banished.”
“Well you should have known Damien would do that.”
“I had no idea,” she said dramatically. I laughed and moved to join her. My brother undoubtedly knew what Naomi really wanted. She wouldn’t have come in simply because he told her to.
Looking over her shoulder, I saw she was scrolling through someone’s photos on Instagram. I noticed a couple had the Eiffel Tower in the background and a few more were of fashion models on a runway. My eyes moved to the top to
search for the name. They almost bugged out of my head when I found it.
“Naomi,” I whisper-hissed, slapping her on the arm.
“What the hell?” she asked, staring at me like I was crazy.
“You’re stalking Grayson’s sister.” I pointed at the phone with a glare. Naomi rolled her eyes and continued scrolling.
“Aw. I found a cute one of her and Grayson from a couple years ago.” She turned it my way. It was a cute picture. I quickly glanced toward the door to make sure the guys weren’t back before grabbing it from her.
Grayson had his arm wrapped around her while her arms were thrown around his waist. His smile was barely perceptible, but I still felt warmth spread through me as I stared at him. God, he was beautiful. I—
“Ohmygosh,” I slurred, jumping up from the couch and throwing the phone back at her like it was a snake on fire.
“What?” Naomi asked, sitting up and dropping her feet from the table.
“I accidentally liked it.”
My brother’s girlfriend slumped back, and I could tell she was barely restraining herself from rolling her eyes again. “Relax. It’s not a big deal. She’s a fashion designer in Paris, who has thousands of followers. Besides, it’s not even your account.”
Don’t throw yourself at men. It’s unbecoming and embarrassing.
“She’ll know we were scrolling through her photos. Liking an old picture is a giant flashing STALKER sign. Oh God…” I flapped my hands, trying to shake out the nerves my mom’s voice inevitably brought out. “What if she tells him? Grayson will think—”
“Nothing.” Naomi stood up in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders. “Chill. You’ve never met this woman. She certainly doesn’t know me and how I’m connected to you. So calm down. Besides, Grayson would never think you’re stalking him online. Only girls overthink things that much. I have a theory that thinking is attached to the X chromosome. With only one, guys barely know how to use their brains, and with two, us women are forced to overthink everything.”
I forced out a laugh, only partially placated. It was easy for someone who wasn’t gripped with anxiety over every little thing to say “chill.” But typically my brain would only produce the worst possible scenario, no matter how ridiculous it was.
Unveiling Fate Page 7
