by Shae Scott
Indelible
by
Shae Scott
Indelible
Copyright @ 2015 Shae Scott
Published by Shae Scott
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, including electronic or mechanical, without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, places, events and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual person, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Published: Shae Scott
February 2015
Cover Design by: © Arijana Karčić, Cover it! Designs:
http://www.coveritdesigns.net
To my fairy godmother. My Beyonce. My friend.
I am, because you are.
Thank you.
Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it wants. The way it stops and starts.
-Edgar Allan Poe
Prologue
Owen
I used to think that I had life figured out. I had a plan, a surefire path to success and happiness. But it was all a charade. I knew that now. It took losing the best thing I’d ever had to finally see how shallow my days had become.
I’d hit rock bottom the night I walked away from Ally Montgomery. She had been my bright spot, the truth in my jaded, cloudy world. She’d given everything she had to me and I had thrown it all away on a heap of good intentions.
It was the worst decision of my life.
It was the regret that had nearly crippled me. I hadn’t taken a deep breath since.
When I walked out her door six months ago I thought I was doing the right thing. I saw the look in her eyes. I saw the pain and the way that it wrapped around her, like a suffocating weed, killing a beautiful flower. I was the cause. I was the weed. The realization was too much.
It had ruined me. In that moment, listening to her beg me to stop hurting her, I finally saw myself. I saw the man that I had always feared I would become. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was hurting the one person I had ever loved. I was selfish and cruel and she didn’t deserve any of that. I wanted to save her. So, I did the only thing that I could think to do.
I walked away.
For her.
I pushed her past her breaking point. I pushed her to the point of no return.
I meant to do it, but as soon as it was done, I regretted it. I wanted to take back all of the cruel words and fall to my knees and beg her to take me back.
But I didn’t. Doing so would have only been selfish. She was better without me.
I walked out.
I left her.
It was the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done and I’ve thought about it every day since.
I changed that night. Maybe I’d been changing already. I don’t know. But that night was the clincher.
I had gone to her house prepared to beg. I couldn’t wait to spend the countdown to the New Year wrapped in her arms, having the best make up sex of my life. I had the whole thing planned out. I’d played it out in my head over and over on my flight down. I was nervous as hell, but confident that we’d find our way back together.
She’d left me because I couldn’t put her first. I’d let my ambitions get the best of me and it had ruined us. I hadn’t been fair to her. I hadn’t been the man that she needed or deserved. But that night, I was going to start making it up to her. I was going to tell her that I had done it. I had made the big changes. I had finally come through. Better late than never, right?
I was going to tell her how I’d quit my job. I’d gone in and told my boss, Max, everything. I owned up to it all and then I’d walked out. I’d never felt more free or alive than I did in that moment. Everything felt clear. I knew what was important. I knew what I couldn’t live without and I couldn’t wait to change my life and prove to Ally that I could be the man she needed. She would help me fight my demons and we’d make it. It was the only ending I could see.
Until I saw her face. Standing there in that room, watching as she begged me to stop hurting her, begging me to let her go. It had broken me. All of things that I had dared to think were possible were suddenly gone.
I realized so many things in that moment. I wasn’t enough. She deserved more than the jaded and bent heart I could give her. I loved her more than this. I couldn’t keep hurting her. And knowing me, I would. How could I risk it? What if my grand gesture wasn’t enough? What if I fell back into my old ways? The realization was like cold water, forcing me back into a harsh reality. She would be better without me. I couldn’t bear the thought of hurting her more.
I did it anyway. I did it to save her, instead I watched her break. I watched her fall to pieces right there in front of me. I let it happen. I made it happen. I did that. I thought it was the right thing. I thought the clean break would help her heal faster. I thought if she hated me, then it would be easy. But I was lying to myself. I knew when I walked out that door that it didn’t matter. She loved too deeply and these scars were going to be deep.
I left the house and didn’t even make it down the street before I had to pull over. Me, the robot, couldn’t hold in the emotion anymore. I wasn’t used to feeling this much. It was hard and it was raw and I wasn’t man enough to handle it.
I drove through the city, watching the celebrations all around me. I drove until I ended up at the lake back in our hometown, the place where we had spent so much of our time as teenagers. I could feel her there. I could feel us. It was right there as I lay on the hood of my rented car in the middle of that cold field that I made my decision.
I didn’t decide to get her back. Honestly, I didn’t think that could ever happen, not after what I had done, but I decided to change. I decided to take everything that beautiful, wonderful girl had given me, all of the sweet, wonderful things about herself that she’d allowed me to soak up and I would make myself a better man. I would work to be the man she always believed I could be. I would do it for her, for me and for the memory of us, because even if we were over, even if I could never hold her again, I owed it to her. She’d changed me. She woke me up and she’d shown me what it was to truly love. She showed me what it meant to truly live.
1
Ally
I watched his lips moving as he rambled on about something that I wasn’t really listening to, my gaze locked on the way his tongue ran across his bottom lip as he paused before speaking again. My mind flashed to the memory of the way they felt against my own, soft and gentle, yet firm and commanding, the way his tongue would dance across my own when he kissed me goodbye.
“Ally? Where are you? You aren’t even listening to me.”
I focused on his face then. He was smiling, clearly amused at my distraction. I couldn’t help but smile. I’d been caught. Lost in the lines of his face, the rough stubble that lined his jaw, and the piercing blue of his eyes as they focused all of their attention on me. Just like he always did, making me feel important.
“Sorry,” I smiled, sitting up straighter so I could be present in the moment.
“Busy week?” he asked, his hand sliding over mine.
I nodded. “Yes. Very. But I’m putting it all away. Tell me about your day,” I smiled. He ran his thumb lightly over the skin of my hand and I felt it soothe my nerves, letting some of the tension in my shoulders fade away. He was good at that.
“I’m glad you were able to get away. I know work has been tough, but I’ve missed you. It was a long week without seeing you,” he said.
“I know. Hopefully things will settle down now. I finished my report and got the entire proposal sent off
this afternoon,” I said.
“Good. That means more time for us. I may not give you back,” he said.
I felt a touch of anxiety shoot through me. I couldn’t explain it. Sometimes even the smallest mention of the future or even simple plans would do it. I’d get this knot in my stomach, a warning to keep my distance, because counting on tomorrow is dangerous and sometimes the impact is too much to come back from without some pretty heavy scars.
The look on my face must have betrayed me before I could pull it back. Maybe he was just really used to seeing it by now, the hesitation, the doubt, He was patient with me though. Always there to push me forward when I started to get a little crazy or try to hide. He knew how to pull me back from my shell. He had learned when to push and when to step back and give me a little space. I didn’t deserve him, but I was glad to have him.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked, his voice dropping low and as he held my eyes.
“I’m fine. Really, William, don’t worry,” I said. I gave him my most convincing smile and forced myself to relax. “I’m just feeling keyed up from work. This wine will help.”
I’d been keeping a heavy work load over the past six months or so. It had been a saving grace for me when my world had crumbled. And while it had started as a distraction tactic, it had paid off with some really great success and something I could be proud of.
“Tell me about your day,” I encouraged. I didn’t want to talk about me. He could see it so he went into a story about his brother whom he had met for lunch that day. I smiled and listened, laughing as he recalled the story of his brother’s recent blind date. I loved William’s laugh. He had such a genuine and kind spirit. It was funny, because at first glance you might think he was a bit of a bad boy, but in truth he was far from dangerous. He was one of the good guys. The kind you take home to mom and she starts dreaming of weddings and grandchildren. But I knew better. I didn’t fall for any of that anymore. I liked William a lot, but I wasn’t one to believe in happily every after these days. Not the storybook kind. Happy to me meant something different now.
I hadn’t exactly felt ready to date again after the whole Owen debacle. Cassie had thought it would be good for me, to get out and dust off my bruised heart and just see that there was still good out there.
Poor Cassie. She’d been there through all of the dark days. She’d been the one to literally pick me up off of the floor that night when Owen had walked out. She was the only one I’d let see how broken I was and she’d supported me through it. So when she pushed me to start living again I reluctantly took her advice.
William had been a gentleman from the moment he’d shown up. It was an unusually cold March day and the remnants of the past weekend’s surprise snow and ice storm still covered the ground. I was on the sidewalk outside of a Starbucks, coffee in hand, and carefully navigating the slick spots on my way back to my car when my phone chirped with an incoming text. I glanced down, taking attention away from my careful steps and slipped, my coffee tumbling from my hand with me right behind it. I let out a screech and braced for the cold impact to come. Instead, a pair of strong arms grabbed me up from behind and steadied me on my feet. I glanced down at the coffee stained snow with a frown.
“Are you okay?” The voice was deep and melodic. I turned to my rescuer. He was tall, a black beanie pulled low on his head. At first glance he was intimidating hard lines. He towered above me, shoulders broad, his jaw hard, but his blue eyes were set with concern and it instantly softened him.
I smiled at him and realized his hands were still clutching me at my elbows as if he was afraid I might tumble if he let go. “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you. I would have gone down for sure if you hadn’t been standing there,” I laughed.
“My pleasure. It looks like your coffee wasn’t so lucky.” He nodded at the cup on the ground. I shivered.
“Nope,”
“Can I buy you another one?” he asked. His eyes held my attention, commanded it really. I bit my lip, considering his offer.
“Okay,” I agreed. He smiled and it transformed his faced further and I found myself smiling back at him, not out of politeness, but because I wanted to.
“Great.” He led me back into the coffee shop and we got into line. “I’m William by the way,” he said.
“Ally,” I returned.
“It’s nice to meet you, Ally. What are you drinking today?” he asked as we moved forward in line.
“Latte.” I tugged at my coat, fidgeting a little. I reminded myself that talking to an attractive stranger was simply a way to practice moving forward. I was simply dipping my toes into the water.
William nodded and stepped forward ordering me a latte and him a coffee black. It figured he’d steer clear of anything froufrou. As he paid and made polite conversation with the cashier I couldn’t help but watch him. There was something warm about him. He had a quiet strength and it was very appealing.
He turned towards me, handing me the festive cup of steaming coffee and smiled as he caught my stare.
“Thank you,” I smiled. The cup warmed my hands and I followed him towards a nearby table tucked in the corner.
“Do you want to sit with me for a moment or do you have to be somewhere?” he asked.
I glanced down at my watch. I did need to get to work. I bit my lip and gave him an apologetic look, surprised at the genuine disappointment I felt about having to cut our encounter short.
“I wish that I could. I’m actually late for work.”
He nodded, “Okay. How about dinner sometime? Or lunch? I’d like an opportunity to talk to you further. Unless of course you are already seeing someone.”
“You want to talk to me?” I asked.
He laughed, “Is that weird?”
I shook my head, feeling silly. I really was out of practice. He seemed like a nice guy. And there was something about him that made me want to talk to him too.
“I guess not. Dinner would be nice,” I said.
He flashed me that smile again and I swear it warmed me all the way down to my toes. Part of me wanted to run for the hills at that reaction, because the idea of feeling something for anyone still felt wrong. But then I reminded myself that I’d only agreed to dinner. It didn’t have to be anything else.
“Great. Do you have a card? Or can I get your number?” he asked.
“Oh. Sure. Yes,” I fumbled. I managed to find a card in my bag and handed it over.
“Ally Montgomery,” he said glancing at the card. “I look forward to it. I’ll call you.”
“Okay. Thanks for the coffee, William. I’ll see you around.” I gave him a smile and then made my way back towards the door.
“Ally,” I turned and saw that he was right on my heels.
“Maybe I should walk you to your car. I don’t want you losing another coffee,” he smiled, offering his arm.
I took a deep breath and took it. Time to jump.
William held my hand as we left the restaurant. “It’s still early, we could go for a walk or you could come back to my place,” William asked hopefully. I’d known the invitation was coming. I’d been to his place many times, watching a movie or having dinner, but we’d been together for a few months now and I knew he wanted me to stay over. I hated that I was still finding excuses not to go, but I just didn’t feel ready for any of that yet. Just thinking about it gave me anxiety. It was silly. It was a natural progression of a relationship; it just didn’t feel right yet. I was honest with him and he pretended to understand. Hell, knowing William he did understand. Which just made me feel crazier for feeling the way that I did.
“I’m actually really tired. Do you mind if I take a rain check?” I asked. I saw the disappointment flash in his eyes before he recovered and gave me an easy smile. I admired his patience with me. I couldn’t be easy to deal with.
“Okay. How about tomorrow night?” he asked hopefully.
“I’m going out with the girls tomorrow night. But we could do brunch or something on Sunday,” I of
fered. It was a poor trade, offering up a brunch and we both knew it. But he didn’t show it.
“Okay, brunch,” he agreed. I gave him a grateful smile. He was letting me off the hook again. He didn’t deserve my indecision. I needed to get my act together and let the past go. I needed to move on once and for all and give this whole thing a chance.
William walked me to my car and gave me a long lingering kiss goodbye almost as if he was reminding me what I was missing and what was waiting for me should I decide to finally go all in. The kiss was nice, but per usual it left me feeling a little conflicted.
“I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I said as I settled into the driver seat. William leaned in and kissed my forehead.
“Let me know when you get home.”
I nodded in agreement and pulled out. He was still standing there when I looked in my rearview mirror.
Something about his invitation to come over had me fighting off familiar demons. I was angry at myself for letting my memories of Owen keep me from moving forward. I hated him for the way he’d left things. For the way he’d broken not only my heart, but my spirit. I’d given him everything and he’d just thrown it back to me in pieces. I’d lost myself and now I doubted every step I took.
As I drove home I couldn’t keep my mind from going back to those first few weeks after Owen had left. I had been a mess. I had never felt that broken before. It had felt like my whole world had shattered. It wasn’t just that he was gone. He’d already been gone. I’d ended our relationship weeks earlier. I’d been living without him and while it had been hard, I had done it.
No, it was the way he’d come back. He’d shown up at my door with apologetic eyes and I had sworn he was there to ask me to try again. But he didn’t. Instead, he’d taken everything I thought we’d had, everything that we’d shared together, every memory, every thought, feeling and hope that we’d made together and he’d made it nothing. He’d taken it all back. He had turned the whole thing into a lie. I was simply the fool that had believed him.
