by Shae Scott
“Ally?” His voice was deep and husky and I knew he was going to kiss me. It felt like he had something to prove. He wanted to convince me that we could work.
I had planned on breaking up with him. I’d resolved us to that fate, but now I was about to kiss him. I was about to let him try and convince me.
His lips brushed my own softly, asking me permission. I closed my eyes and kissed him back, moving slowly, tasting him like he was brand new. And in a sense he was, because I was letting go of my protective walls for a moment to see if I could feel that spark. Something that would tell me to wait, that this was where I was supposed to be.
He pulled me closer, his hand on the back of my neck holding me to him. I let myself melt into him as he deepened the kiss. I let my hands drift to his hair as his free hand moved along the side of my body and around my back.
When I didn’t object, he pushed me down on the couch and then settled over me. I could feel him, hard and wanting against me. But he didn’t rush, he moved with intent, tasting, encouraging me to let go, to surrender to him. He kissed my throat and ran his hands along my body. I kissed him back, pushing everything else away and concentrating on him and the way that he felt against me. He was a great kisser and he knew what he was doing. I should appreciate that more. Good kissers weren’t always easy to come by.
“You feel amazing, Ally. You’re skin is so soft,” he said, his hands moving along my arms. His words triggered something inside me. Soft. Owen had always said that. He’d loved the way I felt beneath his fingers and told me often. Stop it, Ally. Stop it right now. You are with William. Be in this moment. I scolded myself, trying to push that unwelcomed thought away. I clung to him and pulled him closer in an attempt to stay with this moment and give it a real chance. I just needed to feel. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel sparks with William; it was that I wasn’t letting myself feel anything. That was the problem.
William took my cue and let his hands roam over my body, exploring places he’d yet to visit. His hands were strong and warm against my skin. I willed the feel of goosebumps that should follow, the fire that scorched my flesh. I just had to let go and feel it. I had to break through this wall that I had put up around me. Here was this amazing guy and he wanted to make me happy. I could let him. I could fall into this if I just let go.
“Ally,” he groaned against my throat and my breath caught as his hands moved up my legs and beneath the leg of my shorts. I knew where he was headed and part of me wanted to let it happen. But as his fingers traced the lace trim of my panties my brain flashed another face. And just the memory of his gray eyes and the way he would look at me when he touched me this way had my skin buzzing. Buzzing. From a memory. And yet, here was this man above me, kissing me, wanting to give me all of himself and I felt empty. I couldn’t do it. There was no jumping into the deep end to fix it. I was still tied up in Owen and until that was settled and done there would be no one else. I couldn’t fake it. And I didn’t want to. Not with William. He deserved so much more. He deserved so much more than me.
“Wait,” I breathed out, giving him a gentle nudge to stop him from going any further. His breath was ragged as his hand stilled and then moved to safer areas. I heard the defeated breath leave him as his forehead rested against my own.
He took a moment to steady his breathing and then pulled back to look at me. I knew the moment that he saw through me. He shook his head slowly, resigned. “You don’t want this,” he said softly.
I opened my mouth to protest, but nothing came out.
He set back and let out a sigh, running his hands across his buzzed head. He let out a deep breath, “I knew it last night. I knew the moment that I saw you look at him. I’ve never seen you that way. I shouldn’t have pushed you tonight. I wanted you to look at me that way. With fire in your eyes. I wanted to be the one to heal you and make you forget about him. But it’s not going to happen. No matter how long I wait. You still belong to him.” He said it so matter-of-factly that it hurt worse. There was no question, just a simple fact that he could no longer fight against. He saw it so much clearer than I did.
I felt the sting of tears as I looked at him. “I wanted you to heal me too,” I admitted softly. “I’m sorry. I never meant to lead you on. I’ve been horrible to you.” The tears were pooling now, and I fought to keep them away. He didn’t need my tears. What good were they when I’d treated him like a stand in? A substitute? He couldn’t heal me. No one could.
“Ally, stop. I get it. You’ve always been honest with me. I just thought I could be patient and we’d get there, ya know? Hell, I wanted to fix it. I wanted to crash down those walls for you. I don’t think I realized until last night just how high they were. Because, for a moment, in that bar they were all gone. You were completely vulnerable and there was so much emotion. It was real and it was hard to see, because I never get that side of you. Even now, you’re trying to let the guard down, but you can’t. I don’t think I even realized how much of yourself you were hiding.” His voice was soft and firm, his honesty piercing against my skin.
The tears came then, silently tracing paths down my cheeks. He smiled a little and reached out to wipe them away. “See? Look at this emotion. Where do you hide it? Why do you hide it from me? Because of him? Because you gave it all to him and he hurt you?”
I shrugged, unable to find words that would explain.
“I wish it were me. I wish I was the one who made you feel so deeply.” His words made me sad and as I began to cry harder he pulled me into him. This man was so good. And I was pushing him away. Maybe I would never move forward.
“I shouldn’t let him get to me anymore. I should be able to leave it in the past,” I said.
William looked at me for a long moment, searching for the words that he wanted to say. “You’ll get there,” he promised.
“How can you be so good to me when I’ve treated you so badly?” I asked.
He shook his head. “You haven’t treated me badly at all. This just wasn’t the right time for us. Maybe if we’d met a little later it could have been different,”
Why couldn’t I just fall in love with this guy? He was a good one. It would make things so much easier. He would be a healthy choice. He would care about me and keep my heart safe. Why couldn’t I let him in? Why couldn’t I just feel that passion with him? Would I never be able to love someone else?
“I’m sorry,” I said softly. He touched my face, his hand gentle and sweet.
“No apologies, Ally,” he said. And somehow I believed that he meant it. I managed a slight nod.
“I’m going to go. But listen to me, I understand your walls. I understand that he still has a part of you. Just make sure you let yourself have control of the rest. You deserve to be happy. I know that.”
I couldn’t talk. He was too much and I felt like the worst kind of person for bringing us to this point. He leaned in and kissed my forehead and then moved to the door. I followed him slowly, feeling sad that this would be the end of us. It was the right thing, but I’d miss him. And it just made me feel the emptiness even more. All of the hurt that I pretended to have moved past was now magnified and ugly.
When the door shut behind him I went back to my bedroom and lay across the bed. I curled my knees up to my chest and let the hollowness take over for just a few minutes. I deserved to feel it for having taken that really great guy and hurting him the way I had. I had taken him for granted and the truth was hard to swallow. I needed to find my focus. I need to concentrate on me. I wouldn’t make this mistake again. Even if it meant that I’d be alone from this point forward. Maybe life would be easier that way anyway.
My mind was a well of memories as I flashed from one to the next. William. Owen. Eventually, I fell asleep. Unfortunately it wasn’t the escape I’d been hoping for, because my mistakes continued to keep me company there as well.
7
Owen
Seeing Ally at the bar with another man had been like a punch to the gut. It haunt
ed me. I tried really hard to push it out of my head, accept it as a harsh dose of much needed reality, but all I could see was his hand on her back and the protective stance he’d taken when I had shown up. I couldn’t help myself; I thought about it. I analyzed it like a girl. I wondered how they met, what he meant to her, how long he’d been in the picture. And as much as I wanted to not think about it, as much as I’d rather think about anything else in the entire world, I imagined her kissing him, I imagined her beneath him. Shit. I didn’t want to go there, but my brain kept betraying me with images I didn’t want to see.
I wasn’t sure I could take it much longer without going certifiably insane. I was pretty sure I was going to go legit crazy. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that she was with someone else. That she wanted to be with somebody else. The idea of it twisted my heart until I felt like I was gasping for breath.
Didn’t she feel the same way when she saw me? When she thought of me and our past? Surely she hadn’t shut it all out already. Of course, I knew the answer to that. I didn’t want to hear it, but it rattled around in my head along with the other unwelcomed things.
I was the reason she didn’t feel the same, I’d fucked it all up. Given the reality of our relationship, it was a wonder that she’d ever fallen in love with me at all. I had been shit to her, even when I had been claiming to love her. I saw it all clearly now. I’d missed her birthday for shit’s sake. I mean, who does that? I had heard her voice, I knew that it had hurt her, but I’d still chosen work. I was always too little, too late.
Then.
I was different now.
But I may never get the chance to show her.
I was turning into a crazy person. It was like I’d become a possessed man. I’d driven by her house. More than once. The first time I did it without thinking. It was like the truck just found its way there. I drove by and saw the unfamiliar car in her drive and it was the worst kind of torture. I circled the block and drove by again.
It was pathetic.
I was pathetic.
But seeing that car in her drive, twisted every part of myself. I wanted to pound on the door, use my key and push my way back in and stand between them so they couldn’t touch. I couldn’t stand it. The idea of him in her house, spending time with her, touching her, was too much. I should have punched him when I’d had the chance.
No.
She would have hated that. And he’d been treating her well. I couldn’t fault him for wanting to be with her. But I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want her to fall for him. I needed to get close to her so I could prove myself. But I couldn’t do that with him hanging around.
It all spun through my brain over and over as I lay in the bed of my truck, staring up at the night sky. I did this a lot. It was the best way to clear my head and sort through everything, especially the regret. I had it in spades, but I also had memories. And the memories were what kept me going. They were all that I had. I had to stay focused. I had to try to put what’s-his-name out of my head and just focus on me. On Ally. On what I wanted for us and our future.
The next day I went out to see Gran. I needed the company and I thought a day with her and Granddad’s old cars would be just the distraction that I needed.
Being out on the farm grounded me. It would always be my first home, my original safe place. Gran would let me come out and sit in silence while I sorted my thoughts or she’d offer up advice with a piece of pie if I needed it. And the thing was she knew what I needed without me ever having to say it. Sometimes, before I knew what I needed.
Today I sat at her kitchen table, lost in the same thoughts that had kept me company since that night at the bar. They were on a constant loop. I was pulled out of my stupor when a plate of lemon pie was slid under my nose.
“Chin up, sweetie. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind,” she said taking a seat next to me.
I sighed, “She’s with someone else, Gran.” There, I’d said the words out loud. It made them feel more real and added a whole new layer of misery to the pictures in my head. “I saw them at a bar the other night.”
“William.” She said simply. I jerked my head up. She knew his name? Had Ally brought him out to the house? The idea made my stomach roll.
“Relax,” Granny said, patting my harm. “She’s told me about him, that’s all. Not much, but a little,” she confessed.
“Oh,” I said. I tried to imagine the two of them sitting there talking about some other guy. I hated it. I was dying to ask her all kinds of questions, the questions that had plagued my nights.
“Is she happy?” I asked softly.
Gran squeezed my hand. She’d never given me a hard time about how things had ended with Ally. I’d told her the truth. I’d laid it all out to her one night when I’d moved back. She didn’t coddle me, she didn’t judge me, but she always listened. And because she was Gran she made me think. She pushed me to face the hard stuff.
“Ally’s been through a lot. She’s getting through it all the best way that she can,” she said.
“That doesn’t answer my question, Gran,” I pointed out.
She smiled, “I don’t know the answer to that one. I don’t think she’s given herself the opportunity to be happy. She’s still holding on to a lot. She’s guarded and William lets her stay that way for now. He’s safe.”
Safe.
What was I supposed to do with that? She deserved more than safe. But she craved safe because of what I’d done to her. I’d taken that away from her. Now she had found someone that could give it back.
I hated him.
I rubbed my hands across my face, trying to release some of the tension that had settled deep in my muscles. “I want to fix it, Gran. I want her back.”
“I know you do,” she soothed.
“How do I do that? How do I get her back?” I asked.
“One day at a time. You make new memories. You show her that you’ve changed. You show her your heart until she can find a way to see it. You have to knock down the walls. But you can’t do it all at once. You push too fast and she’s going to scramble to put them right back up. She’ll panic because she thinks she needs them. But you take the time and you take it down one brick at a time and soon she’ll be standing there free without ever having realized that she let it go. One brick at a time, honey. You can’t just go back to what you had. That part of your story is over. You have to start new. Let her get to know you again, as you are now. Show her what you’ve learned. Let her find a way to believe it.”
I thought about what she said. The lady made a lot of sense.
“I could be too late,” I said soberly. It was a fact. I hated to face the truth.
“You could be,” she agreed.
My eyes went to hers and I saw the compassion and love that she had for me.
“But I hope you’re not. Ally loves you. But I think she hates you a little bit too,” she smiled and I couldn’t help but laugh at her candor. “Love and hate aren’t so far apart, ya know. Give it time.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. Being patient was far from easy.
I spent the afternoon in the barn. Gran came out periodically to bring me some tea and to check in on me. She even sat with me a bit as I tinkered with the old Chevy truck. She told me stories about Granddad and we both took comfort in the memories. When the sun began to set I kissed Gran on the cheek, thanked her for the day and headed back to my own place.
I loved the house. I loved that it was a piece of us, but sometimes in the quiet her presence was too much. It was a little crazy since she’d never even been here. But I felt her here. I felt her because she was meant to be here. This house was meant for us, together. If I tried I could see her here, her feet curled up beneath her on the couch watching sappy movies or those annoying reality TV dating shows that made my skin crawl. I would watch them with her. If I had the chance. I’d brave it, if it meant I had her in my arms.
She was everywhere. She was in all of my thoughts and my pl
ans. She was my atonement and my regret. I wanted her to be my reward.
I needed patience.
I had very little.
Like none.
I needed to figure out how I was going to see her again.
8
Ally
The next week was better. I felt better having ended things with William. I missed him, but I knew it was best for both of us. I wasn’t good for him and I had learned what staying with someone who wasn’t good for you could do. I felt better knowing that I was no longer that person for William.
I still didn’t know what would happen with Owen being back in town. Honestly, I didn’t even know if I would have to worry about it anymore. There was always the chance that we wouldn’t run into each other again. But somehow, I doubted I would get off that easily.
I had dinner plans with Granny that weekend and I was nervous at the thought that he could be there, but she had assured me that he wouldn’t and I trusted her. She had always listened to my wishes when it came to Owen. Besides, I had promised her I would be there. She was going to give me a cooking lesson and I had promised her a game of dominoes. Honestly, it sounded like the perfect Saturday night to me.
We made enchiladas with Granny’s secret sauce while she told me more stories about Grandpa Jack. I loved hearing them and I knew that telling them made her feel closer to him. Losing someone that you love that much is pretty much the hardest thing ever. I’d had a taste of it; I can’t imagine what she felt, after so many years.
I could tell that Granny was getting tired as we finished up the game of dominoes. I helped her put away the game and clean up the kitchen before giving her a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye. This woman healed my soul a little more with each visit.
“You be careful. And let me know when you get home so that I don’t worry about you,” she ordered.
