by Shae Scott
Squaring my shoulders I found my resolve. Time to put on my big girl pants and be tough. His explanations weren’t answers. They weren’t closure. They were only more manipulation and I was done being the girl who fell for it.
When I came back downstairs Owen was sitting at the counter sipping on coffee. I moved past him, without speaking. I opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. I took a sip while staring out the window. Gran was outside watering flowers. It made me smile.
“I looked at your car. It looks like I can fix it pretty easily. I just need to grab a few things from my place. I’m headed over there now. Want to come with me?” Owen asked from behind me. My body tensed. No I didn’t want to go with him. Being alone in a car with him was not high on my list of things to do today.
“Um, I don’t know. Do you need me to come with you? I might stay here and help Gran,” I said, still not turning around, silently begging him to let it go. My breath caught in my throat as I heard his footsteps behind me. I still didn’t look at him as he stood beside me, also gazing out the window. He took a slow sip of his coffee before speaking.
“I’d like you to come with me. You know, in case I have any questions,” he said.
Questions? I looked over at him, but his gaze remained fixed on Granny outside with her watering can. “About the car,” he clarified.
“Oh.” I said. I sounded like an idiot. I sucked at words.
“Do you mind?” he asked, finally turning towards me.
I didn’t want to go. But then I kind of did. One more stop on the whishy-washy Ally train. I should have a frequent rider pass at this point. I was curious about his place. But I wasn’t sure I was ready to be alone with him.
“Fine. I’ll go. Are you leaving now?” My voice came out clipped, showing my nerves in my attempt to sound indifferent. I sucked at indifferent.
He nodded and smiled and turned to rinse out his cup. “Great. Let’s go.”
I sighed. Sure. Let’s go.
Stupid girl.
11
Owen
I was nervous as shit to take her to the house. I had no clue how she would react. I wanted her to be excited and impressed that I’d bought the place, but there was a good chance that she’d just think it was creepy.
Too late now.
She was quiet in the seat beside me, staring out the window at the passing trees.
“You’re quiet over there,” I said, stealing a glance at her. She had changed back into her clothes from the day before. Jeans and pale pink hoodie. Her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail and big sunglasses covering her eyes. I hated that. I liked it better when I could see her eyes. They told me so much about what she was feeling. That’s probably why she kept them on. She didn’t want to give anything away. Not to me.
She turned to look at me and smiled a little. “Just enjoying the view,” she said turning back to the window.
I searched for something to say, but it was clear that she wasn’t up for much conversation and I didn’t want to push her. I was on delicate ground with her and I was so afraid of messing it up. I’d just let her take the lead. For now.
The silence between us was comfortable. We’d always had that level of comfort, but I was surprised that we had somehow managed to find it again now.
“Why did you move back here?” she asked suddenly. She didn’t turn to look at me, eyes locked on the passing scenery. My heart thudded in my chest. I needed to get this right. The wrong answer and she would shut down on me. I wasn’t looking for a line, but I wasn’t sure just how honest I should be with my answer. I had a feeling that if I laid it all out there that she wouldn’t believe me anyway.
“When you decide that you want to change your life, you want to do it in the place that feels like home. You want to start at the one place that knows you best,” I said
What? What was that? I was spouting gibberish. I sounded like a goddamned hallmark card.
She turned to look at me. I wished I could see her eyes. I needed to see them.
“But your job. You just left your job?” she asked quietly.
“I should have left it a long time ago. I was caught up in things that didn’t matter. It cost me the things that did,” I admitted quietly. I didn’t know how much to say. I was holding my breath waiting for her reaction.
She seemed to let my words soak in rolling them around in her head.
“I don’t understand. You left it…after. What was the point?” Her voice shook ever so slightly, giving her away. It cut me. I could hear it, what asking these questions cost her. I had to be careful. I knew one wrong move and she would stop talking. She would shut down.
“No. I left it before.” I said quietly. She stared at me, her lips parted with surprise and confusion.
She turned back to face the road ahead, her hands in her lap, thumbs twisting around each other nervously. I saw her mouth twitch in that way that told me she was fighting back tears. Damn. I didn’t want to make her cry.
“But you still left me.” Her voice was soft, barely audible.
“Ally. It’s not like that. There is so much more to the story. I need to explain the whole thing. I know it doesn’t make sense. I thought I was doing the right thing. I fucked up. If I could take that night back I would.” I felt the panic rising in me as she put up her hand to stop me.
“Don’t. I don’t want to talk about it. Not really. It doesn’t matter anyway. I shouldn’t have asked.”
And there it was.
The wall.
I sighed and cursed the whole fucked up situation.
“I really wish you would let me explain it,” I said.
“Not now, okay? Let’s just get what we need and get back to the car.” She tried to give me a convincing smile, but we both knew it wasn’t real.
“Okay.” I agreed. I’d let it go for now.
We were silent for the remainder of the drive and as I drove past the turnoff for our spot at the lake I saw her sit up straighter. She threw me a questioning look and I smiled at her, wondering if she was putting it together yet.
“I thought we were going to your place,” she said looking around. I could tell she thought I was up to something and she didn’t seem too happy with the idea.
“Relax. We are. It’s just up the road.” I said.
“But that was the turnoff for the lake,” she said looking over her shoulder to the spot we’d spent countless hours at.
“I know. The house is just up the road a bit,” I said casually.
“The house?” she asked. I was rewarded with a shocked look as she took off her sunglasses. I couldn’t help the giant smile that spread across my face.
“Yeah, I bought it.”
12
Ally
Owen parked the car in front of a big brick house with white pillars and a huge porch. I sat frozen staring ahead and trying to process what he had just told me. He had bought this house. He owned the property. He now owned the broken down tree trunk and the giant oak that I’d read beneath. Our place was now his place.
“You want a tour?” he asked smiling at me.
“You really bought it?” I asked still staring ahead.
He nodded, “Do you like it?” He sounded nervous, like my opinion mattered more than it should.
“It’s great,” I admitted. It was. It was perfect. The porch alone was amazing. There were pots of brightly colored flowers lining the porch steps and two Adirondack chairs painted the same bright white as the shutters and the pillars. It was amazing and I couldn’t help but feel the tug of how perfect it all felt. How perfect it could have been. For us. In a different reality than the one that we had now. The realization caused a small pang to my heart. Missed opportunity and what ifs would always hurt
“Come on, I’ll show you around.” He got out of the car and I reluctantly followed him. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see more. I did, but this house with all of its lost opportunity was hard to face. Especially with him standing here beside me looking li
ke he wanted to give me the world. It was overwhelming.
I followed him towards the porch as he rattled on about how he still needed to fix it up some, make it his style, but that he’d really lucked out with how great the house was. I took in the grounds as he pointed out to the old workshop and the garden that that Granny had helped him with. This man was so different than the Owen who was so driven and career focused. Now he had a garden and a house in the country?
“I’ll show you inside. I still need to get more furniture. My stuff from the city didn’t really go out here. But I didn’t want to rush it, ya know? I want this place to feel right,” he said. I could hear the excitement in his voice. This place brought out a whole different side to him. I liked seeing it. I liked knowing that he was finally finding his way.
I wish I could say the same for myself.
The house felt homey, even with the sparse furnishings. He’d traded out his modern couch for a big, brown chenille one. It was oversized, plush and inviting. There was a bright rug covering the deep wood floor and a large flat screen covering one wall. I liked it. If felt warm.
“I like it,” I said giving him a cautious smile. I was happy for him. I was. It was nice to see him finding his way back to the Owen I had known long before. It was nice to see him letting go of the burdens that he’d carried all this time. Seeing him let go and relax and live was bittersweet. On the one hand I loved seeing it. I had loved him and wanted this for him. It was bittersweet because I’d always thought I’d be the one to help him get there. Or at the very least, I thought that I’d be there by his side. Seeing it as an outsider was harder than I’d like to admit.
“I’m glad. It means a lot to me to be here. To have you here. This place feels special to me. I have so many good memories here,” he said, looking around the house. He seemed relaxed and I envied him that. But he’d always been that way. He always seemed to be on top. In control. I was the one who was a constant mess.
He showed me the rest of the house and I asked him questions about his plans. He was excited and I felt the happiness start to outweigh the tension.
“I guess we should get what we came for and get you back to your car. You probably have a date tonight,” he said. I didn’t miss the grimace that he bit back as he said the words.
“Oh. Yeah, I guess. I really appreciate you helping me out with the car,” I said as we headed back outside and down towards the big workshop.
“It’s nothing. I’m glad I can help. It shouldn’t take long to get you back on your way,” he said, throwing me a look over his shoulder as I followed him. I watched from the doorway as he sorted through tools on his workbench. I didn’t step inside, the setting reminded me too much of barns and stolen kisses. I had no room for nostalgia today.
I watched him from the safety of my perch. I didn’t want to notice the way his shirt stretched over the muscles in his arms. I didn’t want to notice the way his jeans hugged his ass or the way the back of his neck begged me to grab hold of it. But I did. I knew his body well and I knew what it felt like under my fingers and pressed against my own. He was sexy as hell and this new side of him just made him hotter; something I most definitely did not need.
Weak.
He made me weak.
I shook my thoughts away as he came towards me, shiny tools in hand.
“Ready?” he asked.
I nodded because, suddenly, I couldn’t find my voice. I felt my skin prickle as his gaze moved across my body and a smirk formed on his lips. I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.
“You’re nervous,” he said.
Why did he have to say that? I wasn’t nervous. I was hot and bothered from my unapproved appraisal of his body. There was a difference. Not that I was going to tell him that.
“Don’t worry. I know I have a history of not controlling myself when it comes to having you near barns, but I won’t try anything. Besides, it’s not technically a barn and I wouldn’t want what’s-his-name Walter to have to kick my ass.” He tried to laugh the comment off, but I saw the slight flinch.
“We aren’t together,” I blurted out. Shit. Why had I said that? It didn’t matter. Now it sounded like I wanted him to try something and I most certainly did not want him to come any closer to me.
His eyes widened and he bit back a smile. “Oh.” That’s all he said. I had to look away. I was suddenly feeling very claustrophobic. I started walking back towards the house.
“Ally, wait.” He ran up and fell into step beside me. I still didn’t look at him. “I hope that I didn’t mess anything up that night at the bar. I never did apologize to you about that. I was drunk and…well…jealous. I was really jealous seeing you with him. But I should have given you space. I’m sorry,” he said.
I looked at him then. The sincerity in his voice causing me to pause. “No. It wasn’t that. I mean, it may have sped it up, but it wasn’t the cause. He wanted more than I was willing to give,” I said. Then I laughed at the sound of my words. It had kind of mirrored Owen and me.
“What?” he asked confused.
“Nothing. It’s just, it reminds me of us. He was waiting on me to get my shit together and jump all in. I couldn’t give him that. I told him from the beginning who I was and he chose to believe I would change. I guess I am seeing things from your side of things,” I said honestly.
My words settled around us and I could tell that he didn’t like them. “But I have changed. It may have taken me too long to get here, but I’ve changed. I know what’s important and I am all in. I’d do anything in this world to prove that to you.”
My breath caught and I had to look away again. He reached out and took my hand and my skin sizzled with the contact. “Ally, I will always be in love with you. I will always be trying to make up for the things that I did. I know you may never forgive me or believe me, but I want you…as my friend or my lover…I just want you in my life.”
His words hurt me. They felt so real and so raw that they caught me off guard.
“Owen, we don’t make good friends. We’ve tried and failed. Twice,” I pointed out.
He smiled, “Maybe we don’t do well at being just friends,” he admitted. “But you’ve always been my best friend. You’ve always been important to me. I know I was shit at doing what I needed to do. But I like to think losing you taught me some things.” He took a step closer to me and I held my breath, afraid to take in the scent that always seemed to do me in. “Even if we never spoke again, you’d always be the best thing that ever happened to me,” he said softly.
I had to choke back the emotion that was threatening me. I needed to find my game face. His words felt too good. They were pulling me under. I needed space. I pulled my hand out of his, needing to sever the connection and the electricity that seemed to flow between us when we touched.
“I’m not ready for this conversation,” I said quietly.
“I know. I just get carried away when you are around.” He didn’t apologize and I kind of liked that he didn’t. I didn’t want him to take the words back. I just didn’t know how to process them yet. He cleared his throat, breaking the moment. “Let’s get you back, yeah?”
I nodded and we walked silently back towards his truck. He loaded the tools in the back and I moved to climb into the cab, lost in thought, trying to find my way back to the indifference and numbness that gotten me through the hard days. It didn’t seem to be saving me today.
“Hey, Kat?” he asked, his gaze meeting mine from across the hood of the truck.
“Yeah?”
“Someday I’m going to prove to you that I am the man you used to believe in. Someday, you’ll be proud of who I have become.”
I couldn’t tell him that I was beginning to think that I already was.
13
Owen
It had been a long Monday and Cooper and I were unwinding at a downtown pub. Our suit jackets had been discarded, sleeves rolled up and beers placed in our hands. It sure beat the nights when I’d stayed at the office u
ntil ten, just to go home and check my emails or work on notes for some proposal. Today I was happy busting ass for eight or nine hours and then leaving it for the next day. Turns out you can still sit close to the top of the ladder without killing yourself.
I leaned back in my chair and took a swig of my beer. The pub was crowded, lots of suits like us, but it had a laid back atmosphere. Cooper was on the prowl. Even as he was talking to me, his eyes were roaming the crowd, looking for a possible conquest.
I was glad I was over that. It felt empty to me. I don’t know how I’d survived on it as long as I had.
“See anything you like,” I teased. There were some pretty girls here and more than a few of them seemed to have fixed their sights on our table. I didn’t pay them any attention. It was best not to make eye contact. I didn’t want to mess with small time chatter. I just wanted to decompress with a beer.
He gave me a wicked grin that told me he wouldn’t be leaving this place alone tonight. It made me feel old. Or settled. Maybe that was a better way to think of it. I felt settled, which was crazy because so much of my life was anything but settled. Not by a long shot. But the appeal of a wild night wasn’t there anymore. What I really wanted to do was leave the office after a long day and curl up on the couch with Ally. That sounded like heaven to me and the fantasy alone was enough to make my insides twist with a craving so intense that it left me uncomfortable. I had to find a way to get her back.
Having her at the house had just made my desperation stronger. I needed to put my plan into high gear.
As if reading my mind, Cooper looked over and asked, “How are things going with your girl? You see her lately? Take out her new guy with your truck?” he smirked.
