by Shae Scott
“Thank you for tonight,” he said softly
I managed a nod. I wasn’t really capable of words or conversation. I was too wrapped up in him and too busy ignoring all of the warning voices in my head begging me to be careful.
Careful had taken the night off and I was okay with that.
Which is how I got here, standing under my porch light staring up into Owen’s eyes and feeling like I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me. Where was the girl who had never wanted to see him again? Where was the girl that wanted to keep him away to save her heart? Obviously she’d taken leave and left me here with a sexy-as-sin man who I was powerless to resist.
He looked down at me, the light casting a soft glow on his face as he slowly traced my cheek with his fingertips. I could smell him, and it heightened all of my senses. The memory of our night together just a few short weeks ago was forefront in my memory. As he lightly touched my skin, I wanted more. I wanted more of him and didn’t care that it was a potentially bad idea.
“I had a lot of fun tonight,” he said. His voice was husky and deep and it ran across my skin leaving a shiver hovering on its surface.
“Me too,” I admitted. It had been a lot of fun. Up until the moment when he’d started giving me those eyes. Until the moment he’d pulled me up close to him on that dance floor and made me want him. God did I want him. But I wasn’t ready for that. Sex would just complicate things further. I didn’t want complicated. But I did want his clothes off and that in and of itself seemed to be causing me problems.
“I would really like to kiss you. Do you think that would be okay?” His mouth was close against my ear. I swallowed hard. I gave him the slightest of nods. He moved his face so that his forehead was braced against mine. I could feel his breath against my skin. It was warm, arousing, intoxicating. “I didn’t hear you,” he said.
“Yes.” I barely managed a whisper, but it must have been enough because his lips found mine and began exploring, sweet and gentle. They moved against mine, sweet and gentle. He gave me just enough to feel my knees weaken, but he was holding me up and so there was no fear of falling. My fingers grabbed onto the material of his shirt, holding him closer to me. I wanted to feel him against me. He held me close to his body, his mouth moving against mine, slow and deliberate. He seemed to be in no hurry, enjoying each sweet taste. It made everything inside me hum.
“Come inside,” I said as his mouth moved along my jaw and to my earlobe where he sucked and nibbled before making it’s way back to my lips. I felt his fingers dig into my waist, tugging me closer, it wasn’t close enough. I heard the low groan in his throat as he kissed me again. He was still holding back, but it didn’t matter, it was making my blood boil with want.
“Only for a minute,” he said, voice husky. I broke away from him, just enough to unlock and open the door. I took his hand and pulled him inside and towards the living room. The house was still dark, lit only with a soft lamp light from the sofa table.
He stood in front of me and even in the dark I saw the way his eyes darkened with need. I felt the same thing. I tugged on his shirt so that he was closer and his hand touched my face. It was a contrast with the look in his eyes, the way his touch was so gentle and so controlled. “You are beautiful. You have no idea what you do to my heart,” he said.
His words made me shy and I started to look away, but his fingers held my gaze to his. I swallowed hard. He leaned in and kissed me then, and once again I was lost in him. Still, he refused to give me too much. His tongue only teased my own, but his kisses still held so much passion, even in their sweetness.
I pulled him down with me to the couch and his hands cupped either side of my face, continuing his exploration of my mouth. I knew my lips were swollen with all of the attention. I loved every moment. I was drunk on him and I wanted more.
Slowly he pushed me down on my back and hovered over me. His lips left mine as he moved to my neck, my jaw and the soft skin above my cleavage. The trail of heat he left behind was heady. I could feel him hard against me and my body moved against him, searching for what it wanted most. I heard him groan again as he finally let the kiss go deeper.
My heartbeat sped up as I felt the change in him. My hands went to his hair pulling him to me, but then his hands found mine and pinned them above my head. He didn’t speak; he just continued to kiss me. I wanted to touch him, but I was so distracted with what he was doing to me with just a kiss that I didn’t argue.
He controlled every moment and I was happy just to sink into the pleasure of making out with this sexy man. He made me feel things with a kiss that should be illegal. My entire body was on fire and my plans to keep my distance this evening were falling apart. They were now filled with regret that I was wearing pants. I should have gone with the dress. If I had I’d be so much closer to him right now.
“I want to touch you,” I breathed against his mouth.
He pulled back enough to rest his head against my own. We were both breathing ragged, flushed and hot. I wanted my hands back. I wanted to unbutton his shirt and run my hands across his skin.
“I don’t trust your hands,” he smiled.
I looked him in the eyes, “I’ll be good. I promise.”
“That’s the problem. You’ll be too good. I already want you so much I’m about to lose it,” he admitted.
“Then what’s the problem?” I asked. Sigh. I was a hopeless case.
“Ally,” he groaned kissing me again. My hands were still restrained, it only added to the growing need low in my belly.
“Owen, I want you.” The words were out without thought.
He kissed me gently, running his tongue across my bottom lip. “I love that you do. But, we can’t go there. Not tonight,” he said.
What?
He pulled back to look at my face. I’m sure he saw the disappointment and confusion in my eyes. I know he wanted me too, he’d said so, and well, I would have known anyway, with the way he was pressed into me, teasing me with each grind of his hips. Our bodies were more than ready to take this all the way, mine was pleading with me.
“I’m not doing anything that’s going to make you run again. When we do this again, you’re going to be sure,” he said. He kissed me again but I was a little dazed. Had I made it seem like wasn’t sure? I was pretty much molesting him with my body. If he hadn’t had my hands restrained I’d already have his clothes off.
“I’m sure,” I said. He continued to kiss me, slowly. He was holding back but I could feel the passion wanting to break free.
“I don’t want to mess this up again. I want to do this right,” he said. His voice, raspy, but filled with sincere emotion hit my heart. He was in this. This wasn’t about a hot and heavy night. Not to him. Not anymore. He was in it. He wanted tomorrows and they weren’t worth risking for right nows. The fact was both sobering and intoxicating at the same time and I felt a little bit of my wall crumble. My body still screamed for him, but he came into focus and I saw so much in the depths of his expression, the way he looked down at me, not only with heat, but with genuine affection.
“Let go of my hands,” I said softly.
He did.
I ran a hand across his chest, stopping over his heart and I closed my eyes at the beat beneath. It drummed hard against my hand and each beat seemed to leave a mark. I opened my eyes and saw the question in his.
“I’m not running,” I said softly. I pulled him to me and kissed him soft. He was right. We needed to do this the right way. If I was going to let him in I had to be smart about it. I had to stop thinking with my libido and start thinking with my heart. And he had a point. Last time I had run. Even before he picked me up tonight I had been questioning. I needed to put all of those questions to rest before we complicated things anymore than they were.
“Good,” he said.
“Owen?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“Will you kiss me again?” I asked softly.
He smiled, “Alright, but no funny
business, Ms. Montgomery.”
And so he kissed me. Sweet and slow for a long, long time.
21
Ally
I was teetering. Each day that I spent with Owen was one step away from that painful night months ago and one step closer to allowing myself to fall into him now. I shut out the cautious voice and tried to focus only on what I felt now. That was then. People change. I’d changed, maybe he had too. This is what I told myself when the doubt started to creep in.
Maybe shutting it all out wasn’t the best thing to do. But it was working for me.
Our date had been amazing. It had been easy and natural and so much like the way we used to be. It made me want to be around him more and more. But when he called me on Monday and asked me if I wanted to catch a movie I’d lied and said I had plans. I needed some space to sort through all of the contradictory emotions that seemed to be taking over my world. I wanted to see him, but I needed to make sure that it was the right thing. I didn’t want to get sucked in again and have it blow up in my face. I had to be careful. I needed to think about it away from him. Away from his face and the pull he had on me.
Lately it seemed that whenever I was with him all I wanted to do was kiss him. Kissing him was a one way ticket to wanting him. And well, that didn’t help me at all with rational thought. No matter how much fun I’d had with him lately and no matter how many sweet words he said, I had to keep up some kind of guard. I had to be smart.
That lasted two days, and then I agreed to go to dinner with him.
It was wonderful.
I was even more confused.
I was getting in way over my head and I didn’t know how to stop it.
I let him hold my hand.
I let him kiss me at the door.
I was letting him back in.
Maybe I already had.
I stared at the ceiling for an hour, replaying moments of then and now and trying to make sense of where I wanted this to go. It’s a hard choice, risking your heart. It’s the biggest gamble. More often times than not you lose. The house nearly always wins. So when it comes to making the same bet, even after it’s failed you over and over, you have to ask yourself, is it worth it? Will this roll be the one that changes everything? Is this the roll that will hit the jackpot? Are you brave enough to try?
I was never much for gambling.
I was more comfortable with safe.
But safe didn’t make me feel alive.
Not like he did.
He made me want to roll.
He made me want to go for broke.
Broke.
Broken.
That’s how this story ended before.
How long could I hold on to the dice before I was forced to drop them or let it ride?
I found myself back with Owen the following weekend. We were slowly creating new habits. I was spending a lot of time with my ex boyfriend. So much that the term hardly seemed to apply to him anymore.
I pulled up to his house and sat staring at it for a long moment before I got out. I hadn’t been out here since the night I’d shown up in a cab. Since I’d left with Cassie in the middle of the night. Just the memory had me feeling an extra zing through my bloodstream.
Owen stepped out onto the porch, Charlie by his side. I smiled as he gave me a wave and started down the stairs towards the car. I barely got the door open before he was there helping me.
“Hi,” he smiled, leaning in to kiss my cheek. He’d started taking such liberties since our date night. Apparently our make out session granted him permanent permission to kiss me whenever he wanted. I wish I could say I minded, but I didn’t.
“Hey.”
He put his arm around me and walked me towards the house. Charlie followed behind us, nosing at flowers and chasing bugs. He seemed to live on his own terms and I liked that about him.
“So, now that you have me here, what’s on our agenda?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I didn’t really plan anything. I thought we’d just have a low key evening. I didn’t think past spending time with you. Is that okay?” he asked. He glanced down at me as we walked and his eyes instantly had me under a spell. How a man could simultaneously put me at ease and make me swoon like a nervous school girl was beyond me. It was an amazing combination. Friendship and fire.
“I like the sound of that,” I said. And I did. These were my favorite memories with Owen. My favorite moments.
“Good. I got stuff for us to make dinner. I was hoping that you might want to help me by making that amazing pasta that you did before.” He gave me a pleading smile. I laughed, agreeing.
“I thought we could watch a movie or take a walk down to the lake. I don’t know. Just hang out.”
“Good plan,” I agreed.
I followed him into the house and took a look around. Everything looked the same as it had before, but it felt different now. I couldn’t put my finger on it.
“Are you hungry yet? Or do you want to take Charlie for a walk? I usually take him down to the water about this time. He chases the fireflies,” he laughed.
“I knew I liked him. I used to do the same thing when I was little,” I said.
“I probably have a couple of mason jars around here if you wanna try tonight. The suns going down, prime catching time,” he suggested.
I smiled at the idea. “Okay.”
Owen found some old jelly jars that were waiting to be taken back to Granny.
“Ready?” he asked, handing me a jar and taking my hand.
Charlie followed us excitedly as we made our way down the hill towards the water. “So, I’ve never caught fireflies before. We don’t keep them do we?” he asked.
I laughed, “No. You catch them, admire them and let them go. Kind of like fishing or something.”
He chuckled, “Catch and release bug gathering. I learn something new every day.”
Once we’d made it to the clearing dusk was settling around us. Charlie took off full speed, jumping into the air and snapping at invisible creatures. He was always so calm, I wouldn’t have thought he could move that fast.
“See? It’s his favorite,” Owen said. It really was a sight to see.
“So show me how this is done,” Owen said, opening his jar and looking at me for instruction.
“There really isn’t much to it. Catch one in your jar - the end,” I teased, as I grabbed one up and shut the lid, watching it light up within. He followed suit and showed me when he caught one, a big smile on his face.
“See, it’s easy. When I was little I used to make wishes on them,” I admitted.
“You wished on bugs?” he asked curiously.
“Sort of. I would catch a firefly in my jar, close my eyes tight and make a wish. Then I would spin in a circle repeating my wish and then I’d let it go so it could carry the wish away and make it come true,” I smiled.
“Did it work? Did they come true?” he asked. He’d stopped catching fireflies and was just watching me as I caught my own.
“Sometimes,” I smiled. “Sometimes I wished for things that were a little too big…like riding in the space shuttle or marrying Jordan Knight. But maybe they knew better than I did when it came to wishes,” I laughed.
“You aren’t making wishes tonight,” he pointed out. He’d sat down on the tree trunk, watching me and Charlie play.
I shrugged, “Wishes are for kids. You grow out of it.”
“Let’s make one,” he said.
“What?”
“Let’s make a wish. We both will. No one should give up on wishes,” he said. He stood and came over to me, standing right in front of me. His smile was warm and genuine.
“I don’t know what to wish for,” I admitted.
“You can wish for anything. Just think about it and pick something that you really want,” he said. His voice dropped an octave and I knew what he wanted me to wish for. But those were wishes I couldn’t afford to make. They were way too risky and it was way too hard to be on the losing end.
“I don’t know,” I hesitated.
“Please? Show me how you used to do it,” he urged.
I considered it for a moment, not knowing what wish to make. Not that it mattered, it was just a bug, but the little girl in me wasn’t willing to let a wish go all willy-nilly.
“Okay,” I nodded. I stepped forward and starting looking for a firefly. When I saw one nearby, I stepped forward and captured it in the jar. I watched it light up inside, flickering beneath the glass. I closed my eyes and made a wish. I spun in a circle, careful not to fall, and then opened the lid, releasing my wish and the firefly.
I looked back over at Owen who was watching me intently. Probably trying to figure out what I had wished for. Maybe wondering if I had wished for him.
“Okay, you’re turn.”
He cleared his throat, “Right. Wish time.”
I watched him with amusement as he followed my instructions. He spun around, managing to make it look somewhat graceful. He released his wish and turned back to look at me. He smiled big.
“Now what?” he asked.
“Now we wait,” I smiled.
“That was fun,” he said gathering me to him in a hug. “I guess you can’t tell me what you wished for?” he asked hopeful.
“Nope. That’s the rule.” I said. “You should know that. You can’t tell wishes. It’s wish 101.”
“I figured. But I still had to try. Are you hungry? We could go start dinner,” he suggested.
“Yeah, that sounds good. The winds picking up, Feels like rain anyway,” I said, peering up into the darkened sky as if I’d be able to tell if there were clouds.
“Yeah, they said we could get some storms. Let’s get back before it hits,” he said. He took my hand and we began the trek up the hill toward the house.
“I bet a storm looks pretty nice from your front porch,” I said. I loved storms. I loved the wind and the thunder and just watching the rain pour down. There was something magical about it.
