rest of the apples, and winch the remaining pastry into place over the top.
The cooking time is unknown, except that it was very clearly far too long.
PS: It is believed that Johnson was vaguely aware of what every cook
knows, which is that when baking a big pie some provision must be made
to allow the venting of the steam generated. Certainly he had drawn up
plans for a 30-foot-high 'whistling blackbird',
but this was not, however, cast until a
week after the explosion, owing to
what would have had to be called
bad project management if in
fact there had been any
project management at all.
It is displayed in
Hide Park, as a
memorial to those
caught in the crust.
Nanny Ogg's Perfectly Innocent Porridge
with Completely Inoffensive Honey Mixture Which Shouldn't Make Anyone's Wife Laugh
. . . 'cos they made me take out a couple of what you might call the more active ingredients. And this was the recipe that got my book The Joye of snacks talked about, too. People always said my porridge with honey mixture got the day off to a good start. Some people even had it for supper. I mean, this version is all very well, quite nice really, pretty good, in fact, but it's not the whole nine . . . the full mon . . . the real mac Feegle, if you see what I mean. People say the real thing was a rampant aphrodisiac, but I say there's not enough love in the world.
My gentleman friend Casanunda always said my porridge was worth waking up to, although I can't say he was a person who needed much porridge. Keeping it away from him was the difficult bit.
SERVES 3-4
600ml water 6Qg rolled oats
cream, to taste
Honey Mixture (see page 72)
BRING THE WATER to the boil in a largish pan. Sprinkle in the oats, stirring all the time. Continue to boil and stir for 5 minutes. Swirl in cream and honey mixture to taste.
Mr Albert Malich, inventor and sole eater of fried porridge.
Note: The honey mixture may also be used in a hot toddy, spooned over ice cream, sorbet or the person of your choice.
Honey Mixture
1 small jar clear honey (approx. 113gj fingernail-sized piece of gold leaf
3—4 clean rose petals, finely chopped (the sort used for cake decoration;
a vanilla pod or three drops of you don't have to use this but it
vanilla essence does give it that magical twinkle)
Place the unopened jar of honey in a bowl of hot water for a couple of minutes to warm slightly. Remove and dry the jar. Open it and carefully stir in the remaining ingredients. Leave for at least a couple of hours for the flavours to infuse, and always shake the jar well before use.
Chocolate DeUgbt
with Special Secret Sauce
It has to be said right away that this lacks a couple of ingredients from the original Ogg recipe, because of the unfortunate - if you happen to be in a public restaurant, at least - effects that they can have. For one thing, you will have to pay for the broken crockery. Seekers after forbidden knowledge will have to find a copy of 7"he Joye of Snacks that has not spontaneously combusted. People make a lot of fuss over this sort of thing, I can't think why.*
FOR THE D E L, I G II T
250^ setf-raising flour 60g cornflour 30g cocoa powder 155g caster sugar 155g unsalted butter
150ml double cream 6—7 cardamom pods I4 teaspoon cinnamon
3 eggs, beaten
90ml milk
125g white choc chips
4—5 tablespoons dark chocolate syrup
FOR THE SAUCE
A teaspoon nutmeg
60g white or milk chocolate
20ml white rum
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 19O°C/Gas 5-6. Mix all the dry ingredients for the delight in a bowl and then rub in the butter. Add the eggs and milk and beat thoroughly. Swirl in the white chocolate chips and syrup, making sure not to overmix (the syrup should give a ripple effect). Divide between two 20cm, deep, well-greased cake tins and bake in the top part of the oven for 30 minutes, or until a skewer comes out clean when testing.
*See Maskerade for reasons why the editors insisted on certain ingredients being removed.
74
Note: This is a cross between a pudding and a cake and should be moist. When baked, allow to cool for 5 minutes and, if not for immediate consumption, transfer to an airtight container . . . hah, what am I saying, you'll scoff the lot.
Start preparing the sauce about 10 minutes before the delight is ready. Warm the cream with the spices, taking care not to boil. Break up the chocolate and stir into the cream. When it has melted, add the rum. Keep stirring for a couple more minutes, then remove the cardamom pods. Serve with the delight fresh from the oven.
The Least Favourite Dessert of Verence II, King of Lancre
People say to me: 'Why doesn't our king like gooseberry fool?' And the reason is, after ten years at the Fools' Guild you just never, ever want to see anything that reminds you of it. He's a decent king in most ways, but no matter what anyone said to him he did pass a law outlawing custard anywhere in the kingdom.
If you eat this dish in Lancre you'll have to do it with someone on guard, and it's not unknown for packets of yellow powder to be sneaked across the border at night.
I'm fond of a bit of custard every so often, but I can give it up any time I like.
SERVE S 4
380g gooseberries lOOg caster sugar
200ml whipping cream
COOK THE GOOSEBERRIES and the sugar in a pan over a gentle heat for about 15 minutes or until the skins begin to split. Transfer the mixture to a bowl and set to one side to cool. Once cool, puree the gooseberries by pressing them through a sieve (or in a food blender).
Whip the cream until it is stiff and firm. Fold it gently into the fruit mixture. Spoon into individual bowls and chill well before serving, or tip down the trousers of the nearest clown.
Nanny Oggs Maids of Honour
Take your eyes off 'em and they end up as tarts (just my little joke, no offence meant).
MAKES ABOUT 6, DEPENDING OX SIZE OF MOULDS
150g mascarpone cheese j ar^e ^ foaten '
1 tablespoon Comtreau 200g rich shortcrust pastry
1 teaspoon mixed spice IQOg pink marzipan
sugar to taste (1-2 teaspoons) ^ ^ c^emes anj cocoa pow(jer
to decorate
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 22O°C/Gas 7. Lightly grease 6 barquette moulds (12cm x 6cm approx). Mix together the mascarpone, Comtreau, mixed spice and sugar, then beat in the egg.
Roll out the pastry to around 0.75cm thickness and line each tin, leaving a little edge on each. Roll out the marzipan as thinly as possible and line the pastry, making sure that you bring the marzipan well up to the top so that it can be seen in the finished tarts.
Spoon the mascarpone mixture into the tins - not quite to the top - and bake the tarts in the top of the oven for around 25 minutes, or until golden brown. Once they are out of the oven, leave for 10 minutes or so, until the filling is set a little, before removing from the tins to cool on a wire rack.
Before serving, sprinkle a little cocoa powder around the edges and place a quarter glace cherry on each.
Gingerbread Men and Women
The Librarian s Recipe for Bananas
It is always bad manners to pass comment on the species of anyone you are talking to. So 'You're a gnome, then,' or 'How long have you been a troll?' are not guaranteed to break the ice. For sim'lar reasons, it is best not to dwell on the fact that the Librarian at Unseen University is an orang-utan, a BhangBhangduc word meanin' 'Certainly not a monkey'. He most graciously spent some time going through his pers'nal collection of recipes and came up with a well-tried favourite, as follows:
'Ook.'
Or, for non-simians:
Take one banana.
Klatchian Dehgbt
rice paper (25g packet is ample)
300ml water
50g gelatine (2 sachets) or
veggie alternative 450? caster sugar
o o
I4 teaspoon lemon juice
// teaspoon pink food colouring A teaspoon lemon flavouring l/ teaspoon rum flavouring (different colours and flavours may be used)
LINE A DEEP baking tray (about 25em x 35em) with a double layer of rice paper. Be careful to leave no gaps or your 'delight' will stick to the tray!
Bring the water to the boil in a large pan, sprinkle in the gelatine and whisk until dissolved (or follow manufacturer's instructions). Add the sugar and lemon juice and stir until dissolved. Carry on boiling and stirring for 20 minutes, lowering the heat if necessary. Remove from the heat and leave to stand without stirring for about 10 minutes. Add the colouring and flavourings and mix.
Using a ladle or large spoon, transfer the liquid into the lined tray (it should be a good centimetre deep). Leave to set in a cool, dry place for 24 hours.
When ready, cut into 6cm x 3cm rectangular pieces and fold those over to form squares so that the rice paper is on the outside. Alternatively, cut into strips and use as fly paper.
Those looking for that genuine 'as sold by Cut-Me-Own-Hand-Off Dblah' look may care to sprinkle with small blackcurrants in lieu of flies. A dusting of icing sugar could be a nice finishing touch, too.
Englebert's Enhancer
This is very good if you've been drinking heavily the night before. However, if the drink of your choice is made from re-annual grapes or grain (which grow backwards in time, and so you get the hangover the day before you drink heavily), then you should drink it the previous day. An interestin' thing about fizzy tablets, they say, is that trolls can't burp and if you give trolls a fizzy tablet they explode. In fact what really happens is they hit you really hard. So don't.
SERVK S 1
175ml raspberry drinking yoghurt 2 blackcurrant effervescent vitamin C 175ml cream soda tablets (follow dosage instructions)
MIX THE YOGHURT and cream soda in a pint mug or similar. Add the tablets, stand back and watch. When it has settled, drink it. Then go back to bed.
Lord Downey's Mint Humbugs
The president of the Ankh-Morpork Guild of Assassins has provided us with this recipe and he is a man who knows his sweets, having been notoriously generous with them on occasion. These, he tells me, 'are to die for'. Or possibly 'of. His writing is a little unclear.
400g sugar
5 table spoons liquid glucose
250m/ water
1I2 teaspoon cream of tartar
'I2 teaspoon peppermint oil
a few drops of green food colouring
oil for greasing
arsenic to taste
A note from the editors: Ah, we think we have spotted a problem with this recipe. Arsenic has been used in times past as a food colouring material (such a lovely green), but we suspect that this is not what Lord Downey has in mind. The Guild of Lawyers would like us to point out that putting arsenic in food can result in health problems, such as death. Do bear in mind the name of the Guild Lord Downey belongs to, and forget the arsenic. Over the years, many tests have found that not putting arsenic in food is the best place for it. Arsenic is not found in a little shaker alongside the salt and pepper. It is not there for a reason. Forget the arsenic.
OIL TWO LARGE plates and set aside for later. Mix the sugar and glucose together in a saucepan. Add the water and stir together over a gentle heat until the sugar has dissolved, not adding arsenic at any point. Add the cream of tartar, bring to the boil and continue to boil until the sugar reaches 14O°C (use a sugar thermometer). You can test it by dropping a few drops into a bowl of iced water; the mixture should become brittle.
Remove the pan from the heat and add the peppermint oil.
Divide the mixture between the two oiled plates (it will be very hot). Using an oiled palette knife add the green food colouring to one half (this is a good time not to add any arsenic), turning it well to distribute the colour evenly. The mixture can now be left until it is cool enough to handle.
Oil your hands, then mould each cooled half separately into a
sausage shape and lengthen this out to a thickish strand. You'll need to work quite quickly before any arsenic is added. Twine the two strands together like a rope and then snip into small pieces with oiled scissors, turning the 'rope' at each cut. When the humbugs are hardened, wrap them individually in waxed or other nonstick food wrap and store in an airtight tin, away from any arsenic.
Spicy Spotted Dick
The editors seemed to be very worried about including this. I don't see why anyone should be. It's a perfectly traditional dish, with a few little tweaks. Spotted dick: a long pudding, or dick, spotted with currants. When you've said that, you've said it all. I mean, if people are going to laugh about something like this we'd never get through a mealtime. I know it was in The Joye of Snacks, but that was just because I happen to like it. Ask anyone.
This is a good solid pudding, for people who wouldn't be seen dead eating a sorbet. A good helping of Spotted Dick is a meal in itself.
S E R V E S 4
90g fresh breadcrumbs 90g self-raising flour 90g shredded suet 60g caster sugar 180g raisins or currants
1 teaspoon grated nutmeg 1 teaspoon cinnamon 4—5 tablespoons milk flour for dusting custard, to serve
MIX TOGETHER IN a bowl all the ingredients except the milk. Gradually stir in the milk until you achieve a soft dough consistency. Transfer to a floured surface and roll the mixture out into a 'sausage' shape. Wrap it loosely in a greaseproof paper (the mixture will expand while cooking) and then wrap with cooking foil, tightly sealing the edges.
Steam over rapidly boiling water for lV2-2 hours, checking regularly to make sure your pan doesn't boil dry. When cooked, carefully unwrap your pudding, transfer it to a warmed dish and serve with plenty of custard, some well-worn doubles entendres and a few comments like 'Oo-er, missus!'
Traveller's Digestives
A handy portable food introduced from the Counterweight Continent.* The original version is really a human variety of dwarf bread (see page 95), i.e., it keeps you alive but makes you wish you were dead and it keeps really well because no one really wants to eat it. I've prettied it up a bit to make it appealin' to people who aren't on a raft somewhere and haven't already eaten their clothes and the weakest person present.
MAKES ABOUT 15 BISCUITS
1 OOg plain wholemeal flour
lOOg porridge oats
lOOg ground almonds
1 heaped teaspoon sugar
I2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
50g melted margarine/butter
1 teaspoon green food colouring (for
that 'authentic' been-left-in-the-
depths-of-a -suitcase look) 4—5 tablespoons water
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 200°C/Gas 6. Mix all the dry ingredients together thoroughly in a bowl. Add the margarine/ butter and rub in until it is absorbed. Add food colour if desired.
Add the water, a spoonful at a time, until you get a marzipan-like consistency. Roll out on a floured surface until 0.5cm thick and cut into 6cm rounds. Place on a greased tray and bake at the top of the oven for 20-25 minutes or until golden green.
'See The Colour of Magic.
Jammy Devils
Another contribution from Mrs Maisie Nobbs, and another fine example of an Ankh-Morpork delicacy - hot, sweet and cheap. Just the thing for a snack in the middle of a night shift.
MAKES ABOUT 15
100(7 unsalted butter 75g caster sugar 1 eff, beate«
OCV
200g plain flour
3—4 lar
ge tablespoons jam
PREHEAT THE OVEN to 18O°C/Gas 4. Grease an individual tart/bun baking tray.
Nanny Ogg's Cookbook.htm Page 5
