It was a promise I fervently hoped he could keep.
Chapter 18
And I Meant It
I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want my mind to lift from the delightful fog of dreamland and discover Jason wasn't in my bed. Hadn't been here at all. That everything that had happened in the middle of the night was just a fantasy. And reality was the hell I'd lived in for two whole weeks.
I must have moaned in distress, because the bed shifted beside me and a hot body wrapped around my frame, pulling me close, tucking me beneath his, burying his face in the curve of my neck.
"What's wrong?" Jason asked, and if I could have found my voice right then I would have shouted to the world, "Nothing's wrong. You're here".
Instead all I could manage was to cling to him as my body shook with relief and the release of pent up angst.
"Baby," Jason murmured, his voice still thick with sleep. I must have woken him. "It's OK. Everything's OK," he whispered, stroking my side, laying kisses between the words on my skin, holding me tight. Then hitting the nail on the head with, "I'm not going anywhere."
A sound escaped my lips, it was painful. Both to my constricted throat and to my recovering lovelorn heart.
"Kate," Jason murmured softly into my hair. "I'm so sorry," he added. "Can you forgive me?"
I concentrated on breathing for a while, on swallowing past my aching throat, until I could finally voice an answer.
"I've already forgiven you, Jason." And it was the truth.
His whole body jerked, then abruptly relaxed, moulding into mine. "Then what's the matter?" he asked, sounding tentative and confused.
"It's forgetting that I'm having trouble with now," I admitted. "I thought you wouldn't be here when I opened my eyes."
His arms tightened around me and he lay a soft kiss on my temple.
"I'm done fighting this," he whispered. "I'm done letting anyone else fight it either. I'm telling you now, if someone tries to get in our way again, I will bulldoze them. I will trample them into the ground and to hell with the consequences. Why the fuck do you think I quit ASI?"
I sat up slightly to look down at him, to get a better idea of what he was feeling by the expression on his face. I thought he'd resigned because he was angry, a knee jerk reaction to Nick interfering in our lives. Was there more to it than that?
He reached up and pushed my hair back off my face so he could see my eyes. His hand cupped the side of my head as he gazed up intently at me. Everything Jason did was intense. And I loved it. And I'd missed it. Never again.
"He can't hold my job over my head anymore," he explained and my stomach plummeted.
"Tell me," I demanded, mind hardening but my voice belying that emotion with the way it quaked. "Did Nick threaten you with your position at ASI to get you to comply?"
Jason stared at me for so long that I thought he'd decided not to answer. But he must have seen the conviction, the need to know, on my face. He let a long sigh out, something flickering in his eyes. I couldn't tell exactly what it meant, but he did choose to answer honestly, so I assumed it was the decision to not hold anything more back.
"He was trying to protect you." My whole body stiffened, Jason noticed and started soothing me with gentle strokes up and down my arm with the palm of his hand. "I was a mess, Kate. I knew I didn't want to walk away from you, but my mind wasn't making any sense. Nick saw my hesitation and made things pretty clear, helped me to sort it all out in my head."
"He screwed with you!" I almost shouted back. Nick took advantage of Jason's mental state and confusion, and made him do what he thought was for the best. I was so angry with my brother, I could hardly draw a breath of air.
"Calm down, baby," Jason murmured. "It's not entirely his fault, now is it? I let him," he added, the words carrying the weight of his guilt and regret. "I fucking let him," he muttered, his eyes drifting away and agony taking up residence on his face.
The anger at Nick I had felt only moments before was replaced with heartache. Jason was a very messed up man. I could see the pain, of caving to Nick, clearly in his features. The disgust at himself, at the weakness he'd shown. Jason fought for control in everything he did. I wondered how he had survived the Army, where as a soldier you had to follow commands or die. Where was the control in that?
It didn't make any sense in my mind. He had thrived in the military, a place where he couldn't exert his demands like he did the rest of his life. How had that worked? And is that why he kowtowed to Nick's demands? Because Nick was his superior and it was ingrained in him to follow his superior's commands without hesitation?
I couldn't contain the questions any longer. I had to figure out at least this part of Jason Cain.
"Why the Army?" I asked, receiving a raised eyebrow at what he thought was a sudden topic change. "I mean," I added, licking my lips to try and moisten my suddenly dry throat. Was it wise to bring this up? Could I cause more damage by taking him back there? "You had to follow commands in the Army," I explained. "You wouldn't have been in charge."
His face relaxed slightly, he didn't exactly smile, but my statement must have made some sense.
"There is a form of control in structure," he said softly. "I knew what was expected of me, what was expected of my men." He paused, his brow furrowing slightly as he thought his next sentence through. "I felt less in control when I left the armed forces, than I had ever felt while following commands."
Structure and control. They went hand in hand for Jason, and he needed them both. ASI would have provided him that structure, Nick liked his business running 'just so'.
"Is that why," I asked tentatively, "Nick was able to influence your decision when he demanded you leave me alone? Because you were expected to follow his directives?"
I held my breath, as his steely chestnut coloured eyes drilled into mine.
"I let it happen, Kate. Don't try to make me into something I am not. Nick was my boss, I followed his lead, but ASI is not the Army. I could have fought back. I could have argued the point with him. Fuck! I could have been a fucking man and done what I wanted to do from the very start."
He was angry now. With me, for trying to make sense of why he left. For trying to blame Nick instead of him. Jason felt guilt at what he had allowed to happen, at the weakness that he had displayed. He wanted to carry the blame alone, because he saw himself as culpable.
And, he was right, to a certain degree. He could have thrown down the gauntlet and stuck to his beliefs. He could have been a 'man' and stood up to Nick in order to keep being with me. He didn't, so therefore he carried some blame.
But, and dear God help me to make him see this, he is only human. And a human who has seen and done more than most. And who, if my guess is right, has suffered psychologically because of it. Jason is entitled to make the odd mistake. Yes, I would have preferred it was a different mistake than the one that broke my heart. But he's trying to correct his mistake now. He's apologised wholeheartedly for hurting me.
I would not be who my parents raised, who I have strived to be my entire life, if I couldn't forgive this fractured man.
I moved until I was kneeling before him. He'd sat upright in bed when he'd released that last tirade. I was now eye level with him, face to face, nothing in between.
"Jason Cain," I said, making sure I had his full attention. "You did me harm," I started, voice soft, but the words cutting. I watched as he flinched. "I have forgiven you," I added, meaning every word, but he didn't relax his stiffened stance. "But I have not forgiven my brother for taking advantage of your mental state and for harming me further." He started frowning. Unsure how to take my words, I think.
I reached over and clasped his hand, entwining my fingers in his.
"There's something about you, Jason," I said, looking down at where my body met his through our touch. "Something that has called to me from the moment I first laid eyes on you. I didn't want there to be. You didn't make it easy." My eyes flicked back up to his. "But it's there and y
ou feel it too. I know you didn't want to walk away," I whispered, as his eyes held mine and I felt myself falling... falling. He could do that; make me fall when I shouldn't. "And I also know, that were you not the man you are today, the product of your experiences, you wouldn't have done what Nick suggested so readily."
"Kate," Jason interrupted, preparing to argue the point, to deny that he had suffered in the past, and still did, and that was the cause of his actions. But I wasn't finished.
"You broke me, Jason," I said, reaching over and placing a finger across his lips to still his protests. I felt his whole body shake at my words, at their meaning and truth.
I wasn't saying this to be cruel, to fight back and cause him pain. There was a point to this madness. There was a reason why we'd been through what we had.
"But Jason, don't you see?" I said, leaning forward, to keep his focus on me, on my eyes and nowhere else. "You were already broken," I whispered. "How could you not make a human mistake, when you are so very, very human yourself? We both are, and we've got the scars to prove it. But baby," I said, using his nickname for me and watching the dawning awe grace his face as I did, "you've already started healing my break. Please, let me do the same for you."
We stared at each other, inches apart, but still too far away. I wanted to crawl into his lap, to wrap my arms around his neck, to cover him in kisses. To make everything better through my touch and love. But I needed him to hear my words, to accept this as truth. He is only human. And humans are messed up, fucked up, basket cases at the best of times. Including me.
"Jason," I said. "Let it go. Let me in. Accept my forgiveness and allow me my anger at Nick. It is warranted. The blame of what happened is not yours alone to carry."
He looked at me for a long time, his fingers grazing over my knuckles in the hand he still clasped with his. His eyes moved across my face, taking in every inch of it, while he processed what I'd just said. Then he sighed, offered me a small nod, and pulled on my arm until my lips met his. The kiss was soft and careful, so full of beautiful acceptance that I felt tears sting the backs of my eyes.
"What are you going to do to him?" Jason asked, as he shifted me until I was straddling his lap, my knees either side of his stretched out thighs, my groin flush against his. It was intimate, but not sexual. Neither of us had quite reached that stage after everything we'd faced up to since he'd come back. Still, there was nowhere else I wanted to be, and no amount of space I wanted between us.
"I need to confront him. I won't be happy until I've given him a piece of my mind."
"Will you be armed?" he asked, casually. Too casually. "I only ask, because I'd like to be there if you draw a knife on Nick. I've gotta admit to wanting him to bleed. Just a little."
I chuckled, resting my head down on his shoulder, my breath fanning across his neck as my face curved towards his.
"He doesn't know I've been practising Kombatan. It would be a good way to gain the advantage right off the bat," I said, feeling a lightness begin to enter the room, enter our words. Our hearts.
Jason's body shook with the rumble of laughter through his chest. "Today?" he asked, clearly wanting me to slice into my brother sooner rather than later.
I hesitated. Ah, fudge. I didn't have time to confront Nick today. I had an art studio design to complete on a ridiculously tight time-frame. The only reason I'd accepted this contract was because I could use elements and materials from Mrs Montgomery-Smith's sitting room to hasten the finished product. I usually allowed myself three times as long to complete a design than I had Richard's. But the money was not to be sneezed at.
Which reminded me I had professional reasons to visit ASI, so no doubt about it, this week was going to be jam packed.
"I can't," I explained, laying a soft kiss against Jason's neck and pushing back upright. "I have to finish this blasted concept drawing for Richard's art studio by this evening. I'm going to have to lock myself away in my office all day. I'll have to plan on visiting Nick tomorrow," I added, but I don't think Jason was listening to the rest of my statement, he'd stalled somewhere back near the beginning.
"That fucktard you brought to Gen and Dom's?" Fucktard? I worked to keep my grin contained. Jason was jealous. This was just too good to ignore.
"Yes, he's paying me a fortune to get his showroom ready for opening night in ten," I looked at my watch to check the date, "make that, eight days time. So, I'm going to be very busy for the next week or so. He's a demanding man." I threw that last in to get a reaction. Finally feeling like we were getting back to level ground.
There was still lingering pain and fear, but with every further second with this man, I felt it slipping away. I felt the break that had split me near in two, begin to mend. This was where I was meant to be, and the pain in getting here just made it that much more sweet.
Of course, I hadn't anticipated the reaction I'd actually get to my teasing. My body was thrown through the air and even before it settled on the rebounding mattress, Jason's frame was pressing into me on top. His thigh spreading my legs and rubbing seductively, his hand entangled in my hair and tilting my head to the side, his other holding my chin to ensure my gaze never left the serious look on his face.
Oh, blissful heaven. This was why I'd chosen to take another risk. No one made me feel like Jason did.
"When are you seeing him again?" he demanded, chestnut staring me down.
"He's away on business for the next few days, we're corresponding via email and phone." My answer was swift and honest. I wasn't so sure that pushing Jason's buttons had been an entirely good idea, despite the return to familiar and much wanted - no, needed - ground.
He nodded, pleased with my response or the speed of it, I couldn't tell which. "Then I guess I'll have to help you get this design out of the way." His tone made me think he'd meant to say, out of your life for good.
"And how are you going to help me, Jason?" I asked, the smile I'd fought earlier starting to show at the edges of my lips. His eyes darted down to watch the movement.
"Oh, I don't know, Kate. Filling your mind up with better things than a fancy arse room full of art, maybe. Making you focus on something else other than that twat's design."
"That's not actually helping me get the project out of the way. I've signed a contract, I have to complete it," I pointed out, enjoying this jealous side of Jason he was suddenly showing a little too much.
"Baby," he said with a wink. "I'm gonna be your muse."
My breath left me in a rush and he began to frown, seeing my stunned reaction. Jason had been my muse once before already. A muse that allowed me to create a masterpiece which was going to bring me more business, I was sure. But, how did he know? Was I that obvious?
"How?" I managed to get out, but no more.
"How what, Kate? What have I said wrong?"
"How did you know?" I finally asked, but he was obviously still confused, because he just kept frowning down at me, his hand in my hair gently caressing my scalp, the other stroking my side tenderly. Even in confusion Jason soothed me.
"How did you know you're my muse?" It must have been the way I said it. I hadn't been precise in my words, incapable of being completely coherent. I hadn't been specific, told him he had been my muse once before and when. But he must have understood my meaning, because the frown disappeared and the sun came out from behind the clouds.
"Kate, Kate, Kate. Now how exactly did I inspire you?" he murmured, as his body sunk further into mine, until his hips were between my thighs and I could tell he'd moved on to the better part of our conversation. "I want details," he whispered, rocking his hips slowly against me, making me suck in faster and faster breaths. "I want times," he added. "I want to know that you affect me as much as I affect you. And that it's all good, baby."
He leaned down and slanted his lips across mine. Once. Twice. Then on the third time he groaned and deepened the connection until I was writhing and moaning and digging my fingers into his back. Begging for more.
; He pulled back, panting. "Tell me," he instructed. "Tell me and I promise you, I'll give you inspiration that will blow your beautiful mind."
"Jason," I murmured, letting my eyes show how much affect he had over me. "I think you've been my muse since you barged into my life," I said, then added, "But since you've slipped into my bed you've set everything on fire."
"Fire, baby?" he murmured, nuzzling his lips into my neck, trailing kisses around to my throat. "I like that," he whispered, nipping and sucking, working his way down over my chest to my breasts. "I want to be your inspiration, your muse," he said, voice low and gruff.
He latched onto to a taut nipple through my nightdress, and worked it and me to a frenzy until I was pressing back up into his groin with fervent need. Rocking against each thrust of his hips, desperate for him to take this to the next level.
"Because, Kate," he said, pulling back to blow hot breath across moistened skin through the damp material. I shivered. Then offered a full body shudder when he added in a husk, "You're my saviour. The one person who makes it all so much easier. The one person I can't live without anymore."
He threw his attention into my neglected breast and nipple, allowing me a moment to get lost in the sensations and his admission just now.
I was his saviour. His anchor. I liked that. I wanted that. I needed him to have that.
"Baby," he groaned, quickly removing his boxer shorts, then lifting my thigh high, once he'd settled back in place, to allow himself better access. And then with a slow thrust forward of his hips, he sank to the hilt deep inside my core. I gasped and he moaned an erotic sound above me. "I love you," he added, the words spilling from his lips with such ease.
Oh my Lord, I hadn't expected that. I had not expected Jason Cain to open up his heart to that degree. He was a messed up, slightly broken man, who needed to control his environment or float away into the darkness that threatened each day.
But somehow he'd found the strength to say those words, to put it out there. To strip himself naked and stand before me; a man in love. To let go of his past. And to let me in.
Sweet Seduction Surrender (Sweet Seduction, Book 4) Page 17
