“No worries. I think that Mrs. Begay has another batch in the oven so you won't waste away,” he said teasingly, looking down at me. “Seriously. What did he do and say?”
“Amidst other things, I’m a serial killer and Frankenstein’s creation.” Cain groaned and shook his head. He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed. “Rough mission?”
“I don't want to talk about it,” he mumbled. “Child prostitution sting.”
I rubbed his back, hoping it was the right thing to do. “I’m sorry. I’ve busted my fair share of those, too, and they’re always ugly. In better news though, I’ve been freed of the physical therapist’s clutches.”
He still said nothing so I drew back a little. “You should get washed up. I don’t think you’ve bathed since I lost saw you.”
“I stink that bad, huh? Well, I might just go jump in the reservoir. Care to join me?”
He wiggled his eyebrows halfheartedly. I shook my head. “I just got out of the water, which is how your brother and I consequently met.”
“Let me guess. He disapproved. He always was a spoilsport. ‘Nuff said. I’ll go shower instead. I’ll be back in a while when I’m clean.”
He squeezed me tighter for a second and then took off whistling the same tune he always had when the world was coming down on us. I stood, smiling lightly after him. And then I turned to the oven which was producing scents that made my mouth water. I peeked in at the cookies. They were done… Enough. I stuck my hands in and took out the hot tin, ignoring the burning feeling. It wasn’t real and my hands were unblemished from the tray. It was just the sensors feigning sensation for me.
I popped one in my mouth. It was delicious and I was in ecstasy. If I kept going at this rate, I’d soon be fat. A light chuckle came from behind me. I didn’t turn. Mrs. Begay had returned. “Couldn't stay away, eh?”
“You’re spoiling me,” I replied with a full mouth.
She waved me off, her grey bun bobbing as she ducked down to open the second oven. That, too, had a batch baking. I eyed them greedily. “I love having someone to spoil. That man of yours doesn’t come home often enough for me to do so, so I am delighted to stuff you.”
“I’m sure you’ve had others to spoil,” I said sourly.
“Oh, no,” she said as she lifted the cookies onto a clean plate. “You’re the first woman I’ve seen in this house. I was delighted he finally brought a lady friend home. That man is far too hard on himself and needs a shoulder to lean on.”
“It’ll be a pudgy shoulder if I keep being such a glutton.”
She laughed and pushed the plate at me with a wink. “Take these outside and share them with him. That is, if there are any left.”
I nodded and did as she suggested. But she called my name as I went and I looked back. “Rain, he’s a good man. He’s like the son I never had and I would like to consider you as a daughter.”
That left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. “Sure.”
I placed the cookies down on the nearby bench once I got out there. Between the unknown kill switch and her statement, I wasn’t hungry anymore. I started doing my forms and breathed deeply, trying to forget my bogged-down self for a second. Focus on the positive. Cain was home. That was a blessing. Then again, he was in his home. Not my home. Or was it? It could be temporarily if I wanted it, and if I really wanted to be overly positive, forever. Had he been serious about the whole marriage thing? I couldn't be sure nor did I know how to feel about it.
I closed my eyes, hearing movement coming up next to me. “I know you’re there, Cain.”
“I know you know I’m here. What I can’t understand is how you can come out here every day and keep your eyes closed ‘meditating.’ I try to enjoy the view whenever I can, especially when there’s a live show going on below. The view from the shower is great.”
I opened one eye to fix him with a disgusted look. He nibbled on the cookies innocently. I hadn't realized he was watching when I had been stretching. He had probably gotten an eyeful when I was touching my toes.
“I can stretch for you if you like,” he said with wink. “Give you a view, too.”
“Ah, but then I'd have reason to acquire a slingshot.”
He laughed and sat on the bench. I gave up trying to concentrate and went to sit with him. He had changed into casual attire: loose jeans that sat low on his hips and a white T-shirt. “Don't think I’ve seen you without your uniform. It suits you.”
“It had better suit me. I have no intention of going back anytime soon. Anyway, I haven’t seen you in anything except for… that.” he gestured at my traditional garb. I had acquired another silk tunic to match my old one. “Why don't you put on something more comfortable?”
“I’m used to it. I don't have anything else anyway.”
“What? That’s it?! You don’t even have sleepwear?”
“Up until now, I haven’t had much need for them.” I blushed. The look he shot me made me burn from the roots of my hair all the way down to the tips of my toes.
“Well,” he said, clearing his throat. “Good thing we’ll be heading into the city this evening. You can pick something up. Glad I thought ahead. We’ve been invited to Michael’s birthday party, so I picked you up a dress.”
He bought me a dress? “Oh. So we’re going to his party? I thought Xorratti hadn’t forgiven us for the scorpion incident, not to mention still hiding from everyone.”
“He hasn’t. I suspect he’s only throwing the party because it’d be too obvious he’s avoiding everyone if he didn’t show his face for his son’s birthday. And Michael called me himself. He wants you as his date, so I might have to surrender you temporarily to the birthday boy. You’ll still be coming home with me anyway. And I’ll be sleeping on the couch,” he hastily added.
I stole one of the cookies from the plate. “No, you can have the bed. I think I'll fit on the couch better than you will. This isn't a permanent situation.”
“It isn’t?”
I was surprised by his confusion. “Cain, I know you’ll tire of me eventually. I’m not naive. I’m not sure why you seem to think we should stay ‘married,’ but since there is no hurry, I will play along. There’s time to consider things carefully.”
He eyed me oddly as I watched the sun starting to set. It was like he was trying to pinpoint something down, but was failing miserably. In the end, he attempted to look nonchalant about the subject.
“You don’t know me very well.” He broke the moment by laughing. “But, then again, it is unheard of for me to feel this way about a woman when I haven't kissed her yet. Come on.”
He stood and took me by the hand as we went inside to get away from the rain that had started to fall. I snickered dryly as we walked. “Let’s just hope you still feel the same way after you kiss me.”
“I won’t be disappointed. But I do have to say I was jealous of Reveno. I was half hoping I’d come home to you sitting in my armchair like that. But something tells me you’re not into that kind of thing,” he remarked, putting the plate of cookies back on the counter and turning back to look at me. “No, I like you as you are, shy and all. Tell me if I’m wrong, but you need to be shown love, not lust. We both know there’s plenty of that to go around, so I’m going to focus on the other for now.”
This contemplative side of him was fascinating. I wasn’t sure what to do with it, so I decided to be facetious. “So you wouldn’t mind if I went to the party just like this then.”
He eyed me. “I’d prefer it actually. I could do without the idea of Michael putting more of you into that debauched sketchbook of his. Besides, the dress wasn’t my idea. I stopped in a boutique one of my buddies recommended and it turned out the designer already had a dress in the back that had been made for you. And once I saw it, I couldn’t say ‘no’.”
“Bailille,” I muttered, knowing exactly where he had gone. “Stay away from him. He’s one of Antigo’s business outlets. I’ve taken the clothes as a gesture of peace between us, but I
don’t exactly approve of the methods they came attached with.”
I watched as his face darkened into fury. Then he recovered.
“One can understand why fancy expense accounts are a given for us higher ups,” he grumbled, plopping down onto his couch. “They’re part of the coup to keep people like me clueless. I never thought to ask who owns these businesses because all of the generals I brush elbows with go to them.”
A sneer came to his lips. “I hate this city. I just stayed here because my mom threw a fit when I threatened to transfer to a base elsewhere. I’ve spent so little time here that it didn’t matter, but now I’m starting over so maybe it’s time to go.”
He grabbed the back of my shift so I toppled over the back of the couch and landed on my back. I glowered up at him. He shrugged. “You weren’t sitting down and I needed to see your face. Deal with it.”
“I hardly ever sit-“
“Live a little,” he said as I swung my legs around to sit upright. “Anyway, I figure we’ll be so busy it won’t be a problem for a while. Whatever mission you’ll be working on next, I intend to tag along, just like I said. My enlistment’s almost up, so I’ll be free soon.”
I sat for a minute, entirely unsure of what to say or even what I was going to do with myself. “I suppose it’s worth asking what you intend to do about your father’s murder now. That would be a large deciding factor in what we need to do.”
He sighed. “At this point, I see no reason to go looking for trouble. If we’re going to take down the slave trade, it will come out in the wash eventually. I need to stop being angry and focus on other things. Do you still have the pieces to the locket?”
I nodded. It was in my pocket right now. I had the pieces mended and put back together, but now I was unsure if giving it to him was such a good idea. “No one knows I have them.”
He nodded. “Good. Let’s keep it that way. Let’s focus on getting you past breaking my glassware and then we’ll decide what to do.”
There may have been humor in that statement, but it still wasn’t a return to his normal flippancy. He sat up, a serious look in his eye. “There was something else I wanted to discuss, too. I wanted to say I’m sorry for everything. It’s been eating at me that I shot you-“
“What did they tell you?” I asked curiously. In an unusual gesture for me, I reached out and patted his hand. “And no, I don’t blame you. You didn’t want to do it. I could hear that in your voice.”
He shuddered. “That bitch knew where to get me. She went right for the kill saying you had deliberately done all of the things to lead us – me – astray, and got Fennley to back her up. Once he chimed in… They used all of my insecurities against me. Insecurities about us, I mean.”
“And here I thought you were about to admit to low self-esteem,” I murmured, poking him in the gut to try and ease the tension between us.
There was still no break in his focus. The normal icy quality in his eyes had been replaced with a certain kind of dread I didn’t recognize, unbroken by my humor. “I don’t know what to do with you, Rain. I’ve never had anyone like you in my life. Maybe I’m jumping at this opportunity too soon, but I’ve never had someone I wanted to be with and let know me too well. I’ve stayed aloof for two decades. I keep my distance from everyone.”
I looked down at his hand as it grasped mine. “But now… Either I buck and take what I want or let you slip away. You’re almost exactly like me in that sense, keeping everyone at arm’s length. The difference is you’re not going to reach out like I will. You terrify me in a way. You have full power to wreck me without even trying. You nearly did even though it was no fault of your own. Leaving out the betrayal I felt when they managed to convince me you were a traitor, I lost you. I shot you, and almost didn’t get you back.”
I was completely astounded with this admission. With the way he was regarding me, I could see he was reliving whatever personal horror it had been for him. “Then why tell me?“
“Because I need your trust and I am never going to get it dancing around the point,” he said sagely. “You have to know how I feel to begin to even consider placing faith in me.”
He paused, seeming to mull something over. Then he squared his jaw and steeled himself for whatever was coming. “I need you to know that what I said in the tunnel was the truth. I felt betrayed because you stirred something up in me that no one else ever has. It was a punch in the gut to think that you had made me love you even though you were only out to use me.”
This sank into my brain slowly as he watched. I said nothing in response, so he continued on. “It’s not just attraction. You know I want you, but at this point it’s something much more. Before we get any further involved, you have to understand that I am playing for keeps. You’re not like any other woman I’ve ever known and I intend to treat you as such. You are not one of the so-called McRattin girls. You are the McRattin girl and I want it to stay that way.”
It didn’t help that he was also monitoring every expression that crossed my face as I debated on what to do. I had to be very careful here or I would hurt him.
I forced myself to look him dead in the eye, even though I was as equally terrified of this discussion as he was. “Cain, you have a gift for completely blindsiding me.”
“I don’t believe that,” he said, brow furrowing. “You had to know that this was coming. You put this off in the hospital-“
“Because I am not in any hurry to define what we are,” I said softly. “You want the truth? You terrify me. I have nothing to compare this to. In the matter of a few short weeks I have come to care for you. I just don’t want to ruin it by jumping the gun.”
This wasn’t enough apparently. “You still haven’t said how you feel.”
I smiled, thinking of my admission before the explosion. “But I did already. That has not changed. I could say all of the things you have stated, but it would be a bit redundant. The best I can give you is that I do feel for you and yes, I will be your girlfriend.“
“Wife,” he said without humor.
I was rather displeased that I wasn’t put off by the idea. “Is that why you’re going about this this way? Because we’re married?”
“No,” he said, leaning forward. “And yes, but that’s not pertinent to this discussion. While I was away, I came to a realization. For once I am like my father. Argon tossed me the gossip papers and out of the multiple pictures of us, I saw the same thing in them all. They reminded me of my parents. They were together for years, so in love that no one could doubt it.”
Was it a bad thing I had no idea where he was going with this? He reached out and touched my cheek before saying, “The way I look at you is just the way Dad used to look at Mom. I have pictures if you want to see, but I couldn’t deny what was right in front of my eyes. I can’t fight this though I have tried. And worse, I don’t want to anymore.”
Again I was the one hesitating. I couldn’t move nor could I think. And much like him, I didn’t want to. I gulped, biting the bullet and leaned into his palm. “Is it enough to say that I want to be with you?”
The answer was clear in his eyes, but he spoke instead. “I suppose it’s going to have to be… for now.”
I closed my eyes as he placed a kiss on my cheek. He hesitated there for a second, openly reluctant to let this moment go. But most troubling to me was my behavior. What exactly was holding me back here? Fear? It had to be. But what was I afraid of? I wasn’t so much afraid of Cain as I was the fact that he had the power to hurt me.
It was true that I wanted this so much more than anything else I had ever experienced. But would it be worth the risk? If this didn’t work out, I would be left so much worse off than I would be if I never partook at all. But could I make myself leave?
I spoke before I could stop myself. I had to make sure before I leapt that I had a safety net, even if it meant nothing. “Promise me you won’t hurt me.”
He leaned his forehead into mine, releasing a shuddering breat
h. “I would never do so intentionally.”
There was the answer I needed. I couldn’t take the risk. Either way, I would get burned. Maybe it was irrational of me considering the question itself had begged this answer, but I had needed to hear it. I needed the warning.
He felt it when I withdrew from him. His eyes were already open, watching me with wariness. I could see his disappointment. I looked down at the ground, the moment over for now. “I thought we had a party to get to.”
“Yeah, we should get ready for Michael’s ‘coming of age’ shindig. I’m not pleased to let you out of my company so soon, but I have no choice. Society comes before me after all.”
I had failed not to hurt him. The tone of his voice told me that much. I sat frozen as he stood up and moved off as quickly as he had come. His footsteps headed off for the upstairs, probably looking to reclaim what was left of his dignity. He had just bared his soul to me and I had cringed back into myself in fear.
This was no way to treat someone you loved. Rejection was not what I had meant to do at all. I stood, trying to figure out how I could fix this, but realized there was no way I could without opening myself up to further damage.
So this was what I considered the easy way out? This was every bit as damaging as if he had dealt the blow himself. But he hadn’t. I had, to both of us. It left a dull ache in my chest as I watched the rain hit the glass windows. It echoed the feeling in my heart: tears splashing against the panes. It was too late now to take this back. Or was it?
I booked it up the stairs, entirely unsure what I was going to say, but confident that I had to fix this. I opened the door, but stopped as I took in the fact he was answering the phone. My chance had passed.
I slunk back into the shadows, heart heavy, listening to him talk. They were talking about sending him off again on another mission. He was avidly refusing whatever they were proposing. He got off and threw the phone into the corner of the room, temper lost. I had a bad feeling I was the reason he’d had such a short fuse to begin with. Well, here went nothing.
I peered into the room and then stepped in, closing the door behind me, both figuratively and literally.
War Machine: Book One in the Destiny In the Shadows Series Page 36
