“I get it.” She smiled, and nodded, which made his shoulders relax marginally. “I do. But we need to just worry about us. If Dad and Alyssa never did what they did, and are doing now, we wouldn’t have to worry. Why ruin our happiness for people who didn’t care about us?”
He had one side of his lips crooked as he leant his forehead against Sarah’s. His height and the strength she felt from him were like a hot water bottle cradled against her.
“See? You’re incredibly wise and gorgeous. All of you.”
“Then you’ll have to listen. We’ll make it through this.”
“Deal.”
She said goodbye and drove home.
Before she got out of her car, she pulled out her mobile and texted her father.
Would have been nice to hear about you and Alyssa Fawnheart again. Anyway, wish you luck with your future.
She knew he’d need it. Her dad was indecisive, and she figured Alyssa might not always be there. Raising a child without full support of a man had to be hard. Finding a guy, or the time to meet one who’d take her, child and all, could be harder still.
Sarah’s mobile beeped with a new message before she fell asleep, but half gone anyway, she fell deeper still until she was completely under.
DISCUSSIONS
NOW
That night after work, Sarah went straight to the bathroom after dinner. She’d spent her fifth day on the job loving every moment of being handed manuscripts and being in the inside world she’d always wanted to join, but it was about ten times more hectic than she’d anticipated. She’d proofread one hundred and fifty pages, organised a publication schedule for another book and had two meetings.
The sight of the shower made her sigh. She needed one, and she planned to scrub and lather up twice as hard as she normally would. Malik was coming over tonight, and she wanted it to be perfect between her mum, him and her. It was bad enough they’d probably hated the idea of each other for several years beforehand.
Sarah lined up her body wash liquids and decided on vanilla. She pictured Malik and knew strawberry-scented would have been a worse choice. He didn’t seem like he needed a cutesy, sweet girl.
After she showered, she tucked her towel around her and dug through her closet. She passed the jeans. If she got cold, she’d just turn the heater up. After pulling out two outfits and changing her mind, she settled on a patterned dress. It had spaghetti straps, a sweetheart neckline—perfect to accentuate a small bust like hers—and tightened under her bust, the material free flowing to mid-thigh.
Sarah checked the time and noted she still had a little more than half an hour until he arrived. As Sarah was doing her mascara, her mum’s reflection came up behind her. She crossed her arms and leant on the doorframe. Sarah noted her cheeky grin and continued.
“So cute,” her mum said.
“I can’t look ugly. Seriously, I’m not sure how you remember Malik, but I’m punching way above my weight.”
There was enough time anyway, so although Sarah had started to sweat and she could hardly keep still with nerves, she turned to face her mother.
Her mum, unlike her, was the perfect lady. She had pearls around her neck, a low-cut singlet with a cardigan buttoned under her bust, and an A-line skirt. Her hair came down in effortless waves just past her shoulders, her fringe pinned back.
“I think you’re smitten by this guy and can’t think straight. You’re gorgeous. If you weren’t my daughter, I’d be jealous of you. I was quite … frizzy when I was your age. And plumpy.”
“He’s like a friggin’ god. There isn’t one part of him I can fault.”
“You can always fault something in someone’s looks, Sarah.”
“Not him.”
Her mum smiled, like there was an inside joke Sarah wasn’t aware of. “No, you just can’t see the fault if that person is that important to you.”
Sarah’s jaw flopped open, but she didn’t have anything to say. She mumbled a few incoherent words before shooing her mum away, having nothing more of that conversation.
“It’ll be fine, Sarah. Stress less. If he doesn’t hate me, we’ll have nothing to worry about. I sure don’t hate the man; I don’t know him.”
Sarah had a bazillion rebuttals, but figured she’d start acting composed right now. Instead, she smiled sweetly until her mum was out of view. Once alone, she added another spray of deodorant to each underarm.
Sarah had somehow eaten up those thirty minutes. She had a hundred things she still wanted to do, but time ran away. How the hell did that happen?, she thought. The doorbell rang and her eyes popped wide. Sarah hoped she looked okay, and that she’d helped her mum prepare enough nibbles to eat. Her mum imitated a big breath, exhaled, and pushed her hands down to demonstrate.
Sarah did so, walking to the door and swung it open.
“Sarah!”
It was her father. And Alyssa. Sarah’s stomach dropped, and she felt too hollow to move.
“Dad? What the hell are you doing here?”
“It wasn’t okay?” he looked past her to her mum. “Gina, was tonight not okay? Did you want us to come at eight or something instead?”
This couldn’t be happening.
Sarah didn’t say hi as they walked in. She just took in her dad in a shirt and jeans, and Alyssa in heels, jeans so tight they could have been leggings, and a loose-fitting beaded top that made her shoulder and delicate collarbones look way too good. Sarah shifted her dress to push up her bust more.
“Nigel …” Sarah’s mum looked between the couple, then at Sarah. “Why are you at my house?”
“Didn’t Sarah tell you?”
All eyes turned to Sarah. She was so not ready for this attention. She crossed her arms over her chest, not knowing what else to do with them besides letting them dangle. “I didn’t know about this!”
Her dad sighed. He pointed to the couches as if he were inviting his guests to sit down. Sarah decided on a single-seater. So did her mum.
“Sarah messaged me last night. I messaged back, apologising that I didn’t already say Alyssa and I were back together. I said we’d both come round tomorrow after dinner to discuss.”
Sarah had spent the day avoiding her mobile because of him and now he had made her look silly for not knowing. Sarah had lived long enough hearing her dad’s excuses to know he’d just spin more garbage and she wasn’t in the mood today for it, prompting her to stay off her phone, which was usually the source of her bad moods.
“Discuss!?” Her mum threw up her hands. Sarah’s father had infuriated her constantly since they broke up. It made her wonder how much her mum had put up with him out of love for all the years they were married. “There’s nothing to discuss. A simple text message would have sufficed. Even a phone call. But Nigel …” she gave him a pointed look. “… I’d rather not know what your love life is like these days. It goes too fast for me, nor do I care how it moves at all. Not my problem.”
Alyssa had been sitting cross-legged, smiling innocently. Sarah noticed the spark in her features by the end of her mum’s little speech. She nudged Nigel, and the look they shared was not good.
The doorbell rang then. In her shock, she’d forgotten about what would happen if Malik walked in, seeing this.
Sarah opened the door and, as soon as she noticed the beaming smile on his face, it dropped and turned sour. He’d seen Nigel and Alyssa there in the living room, just off the entrance hallway.
“We thought this was too important to text,” Alyssa said.
She’d been oblivious to Sarah standing to get the door. But even though she’d been concerned about saying her piece, Malik, here in her vicinity, shocked the woman silent.
It didn’t matter that Alyssa’s words had rattled Sarah; Sarah’s focus was Malik. Her father sure hadn’t shown much interest or care since he’d found a better life with a variety of women. She stepped in and grabbed Malik’s hand, but there was no grip back. His hand was warm, but it was like it belonged to a man in a coma
. She even squeezed it but … nothing.
Sarah looked up at his face and wanted to take away all his pain. His eyebrows were drawn in, his eyes giving her a cool feeling; not warm and cosy. His rigid body shape appeared that of a bodyguard, not of a houseguest. She loved him being bigger and more dominating but, at a time like this, she wished she had the strength to cuddle him up into her.
Malik’s gaze was directed at Alyssa only, clear from the way his eyebrows perked, and he looked down at her. “Why are you here?” he looked to Sarah’s father. “With him? Here?”
“What are you doing here, Mal?”
Sarah hated hearing that. Alyssa’s nickname for her ex-husband was a reminder that they’d had so much history together that Sarah would never understand or surpass, for years to come. She stepped in front of Malik, standing at an angle towards everyone.
“This is crazy. Dad and Alyssa, can you please leave? We’re busy here tonight, so call and organise another time, and we can possibly meet up.” Sarah cleared her throat. “It’s in everyone’s best interests.”
“All right, whoa, all right,” he dad said, hands flapping as he spoke. “We won’t stay long. But it’s about Alyssa, and this family.”
Sarah’s mum looked to Malik. “How about you sit?”
“It’s fine. Been sitting all day at the office, then driving. I will stand for this important news.”
Hands came around Sarah’s waist, and she wouldn’t have guessed they were Malik’s if he weren’t the only one standing behind her. She let him handle her how he wanted. She was pressed against his front, and his chin touching her ear.
Sarah’s dad and mum gave them a look, but it was Alyssa who spoke. “Don’t tell me …” A scowl grew in her expression. She suddenly looked as if she had swallowed something nasty, and smelled something abhorrent. “Well, well. Isn’t this just perfect.”
Sarah hated that she couldn’t tell her mum herself. Sure them coming together was obvious but they’d organised this to properly let her know what was going on so Sarah would never hurt her mum, who’d been so destroyed by the affair. She’d have to make it up to her after everyone left.
Though Malik’s face was out of her view, she heard a hint of mockery to his tone. “Don’t let us steal your limelight.” Malik offered out a hand, hinting for Alyssa to go on. “Tell us.”
Alyssa drew in a big breath and turned to her man, who looked back at her … adoringly?
Erk, Sarah thought. It made bile rise in her throat. Her dad looking that way at another woman. Her dad looking that way with her mum in the room. Disrespectful.
He gave a nod of approval to tell whatever this news was. Sarah’s insides went all gooey, and her mind felt just as wobbly and lost. They could have been going for shock value to get Malik back for being with Sarah, but Sarah felt it might have been huge news regardless. Had to be.
A smile appeared on Alyssa face. Sarah’s dad’s hand clutched in hers, the other moving to rest on her stomach, Sarah knew what she would say before she’d opened her mouth. “We’re expecting a baby.”
Sarah’s mum stood, towering over the happy couple. “Out,” she said. Her finger pointed to the front door. Sarah would have been proud of her mum having such a backbone, if she didn’t feel so guilty for causing all this.
“I can’t be around you,” Malik said. “You need to leave, Alyssa, Nigel, both of you.”
Alyssa brought her hands over her mouth. She looked around for support. She dropped her hands. “Sarah? Aren’t you interested in your little brother or sister?”
“It’s your baby, not my mum’s. I barely know my father anymore, but you’re right, biologically it is mine. Send the scans and call us when it’s born. I’ll send flowers and a cute card.”
Sarah’s blood boiled. She felt it, as if it were too hot. Her skin crawled thanks to the nasty images and thoughts spinning in her head, and she decided she hadn’t hated anyone more than these two people together. She’d have to see them in her future, now. She’d have a sibling.
Currently, she needed time.
“Your family is rude!” Alyssa cried to Sarah’s father. She picked up her bag and stormed out.
Sarah’s dad was left in the company of his old family and Malik, but he stood there, meek. Sarah shared an unspoken conversation with her mum. Her eyes begged her not to break, to make him leave, and Sarah’s mum said the same.
“Girls?”
Sarah shook her head. “Leave. That was so rude, to just blurt it out in front of Malik and Mum, and come out with it like that. Next time, for God’s sake, learn some manners.”
He resigned to their responses, and joined Alyssa, who’d been tapping her foot at the threshold of the front door, trying to get attention. She had a wicked look in those eyes that Sarah didn’t want to be on the receiving end of.
Tonight was bad. It was obvious Malik was attracted to Sarah and hated Alyssa, but what if, underneath it all, seeing his ex-wife dredged up old feelings. What if he started feeling so hurt and jealous he turned angry? She’d surely always have a spot in his heart.
Sarah’s dad touched Alyssa’s elbow and led her back out to his car. They sped off and left Malik, Sarah’s mum, and Sarah at the site of a meteor crash.
• • •
THEN
When Sarah was with Nicholas, he’d take her out all the time. He’d pay for her movie ticket, popcorn and drinks, despite her fussing. He’d buy her gifts for their quarter, half and full year anniversaries. Nicholas would find out what concert Sarah wanted to go to, and use up his time when he should have been studying or working to click as fast as he could to secure her the best ticket.
They were hanging out in his bedroom one day when he asked her how many boys she’d slept with. They’d skirted around the topic for months, and now that she’d finally said the big three words—I love you—things had been easier, talking more, and she’d wear less make-up if she didn’t have time to put some on.
“Will you say yours?”
“Course, baby.”
She bit her lip, and looked to her lap. She wasn’t ashamed of her past, but young girls sleeping with guys was a sensitive topic. Parents wanted daughters to stay far from that. Girlfriends would pressure or talk you into doing it to say you had, and to join their gossip. Boys wanted cute girls who looked like they were only all theirs. They also would rather a girl who knew what to do in that area.
Sarah didn’t want to lie, but she imagined, for a moment what her ideal number would be. It would be one, or two. At eighteen, she’d seem weird if she hadn’t slept with a guy, especially since she wasn’t religious, and enjoyed the usual stuff girls her age did.
“Three,” she said.
“Three!” he exclaimed.
“Like three, and you, four.”
Sarah’s cheeks grew hot, and she had no doubt her face would be red. Her whole body suddenly heated up, and she looked around for something to fan herself with.
“Aw, baby, sorry.”
They were on the floor of his room, and he crawled up to her side, reaching his arm to pull her shoulder to him. “I was just surprised. You don’t look like that sort of girl.”
Sarah focused on saying the right things after that. She had to.
“It’s okay. It is sort of high.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s very high.”
Sarah remembered her plan. The idiot had no idea the hole he was digging himself into. Truly, he had so much goodness in his heart, he didn’t see that other people weren’t as smart or perfect as he was. Since she was resting against his shoulder, she closed her eyes to take control. She took deep breaths, masking her intense feelings for Nicholas, as if he made her feel better.
“I don’t want people talking about you like that. I know you’re with me now and you won’t ever have to sleep with another guy again, but still. I wish I knew.”
“Why?” she said, before she could stop. She sat up and faced him. “So you would have chosen not to go out with me becaus
e I’m dirty or embarrassing?”
“No way!” He reached out his hand and she figured she’d better grab it. “I, like, meant it in a good way. I want to know every single thing there is about you. You can tell the sluts are the ones with Daddy issues, and you’re so normal, I just didn’t expect to hear that.”
After Sarah left that night, so many things from their conversation made her feel off. She never wanted to tell Nicholas every single thing about her. She liked to keep her little secrets. Like how she thought of people who said, “I’m sorry” at funerals. It was a pointless sentence, even if it was custom. She’d sound heartless saying that aloud. Sarah just didn’t want to be all exposed to Nicholas.
She turned on her TV and left the noise on in the background. Turning to her bedside table to plug in her mobile, she saw Nicholas had texted her. “Love you lots. Hope you’re not mad. Love you so much. xoxo”
She said, “Love. Goodnight,” back to him, and turned her phone off.
She lay in the semi-darkness, with only a strip of the streetlamp pouring in between her curtains. She lay there, doing nothing but wondering.
What was an eighteen-year-old who’d slept with four guys meant to look like? Was she meant to have a cake face? Stunning blue eyes? Push-up bras, teamed with low-cut tank tops and short shorts?
Why couldn’t she just be Sarah, a girl who’s been searching for what she wants, with her long, mocha brown hair, grey eyes, barely-any-make-up face and her flowy, mid-thigh dresses and jeans? She wondered if others thought the same: that she was a goody two-shoes.
She tried to sleep later. It was eleven-thirty, and she had to wake up early to do a shift at work tomorrow. She rolled over and scrolled through her photos on her mobile. She brushed her fingers through her hair until it was smooth and silky soft. Sarah even tried swapping positions and placing a pillow between her knees—that usually worked.
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