by April Lust
“Well, I do,” Jessica said firmly, shoving Pax’s hand away forcefully. “Sorry, but I’m not into it, okay? So don’t push it.”
“All right,” Pax said, sounding a little taken aback, surprised by her harsh tone. She began moving toward the stairs again, but then Pax spoke again, freezing her in her tracks. “Is something wrong?”
“No,” Jessica said a little too quickly, causing Pax to raise his eyebrows in wordless question. “No, nothing’s wrong. Everything’s fine. I’ve just got to work, okay?” She quickly turned on her heel and marched up the steps, leaving Pax behind in the basement. Jessica breathed hard, inhaling as much oxygen as possible to give herself strength to keep going, to keep walking away from him. She needed to do this. She needed to break things off, as quickly and painlessly as possible.
For the next several days, it was the same thing. She made up some excuse not to fuck, rushing away towards some hypothetical task whenever he tried to talk to her. Soon enough, he seemed to get the message, no longer walking over to her or even nodding to her in greeting when he started his shifts at night. They went back to coworkers, friendly acquaintances that weren’t even all that friendly towards each other.
Jessica forced herself to ignore the ache in her chest every time she saw Pax out of the corner of her eye. She tried hard not to notice the gorgeous curve of his shoulders, the beauty of his broad hands. This is what you need to do, she told herself every time she averted her eyes to the floor to avoid looking directly at him. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want you, not really. Don’t torture yourself by drawing it out any longer. You need to be strong. You’re a mother now.
But no matter how many times she repeated that mantra to herself, there was some small part of her, deep inside her heart, that screamed in protest. This wasn’t what she wanted. But it was reality. What else could she do?
Chapter Nineteen
Pax
Pax stood near the entrance of the bar, trying as hard as he could not to stare at Jessica, who was serving drinks to a crowd of customers in the center of the room. She’d shoved him away, slowly but surely, over the past week, making it clear that she was no longer interested in him. He figured that he shouldn’t have been surprised. They never discussed what they were, never made any promises to each other. But for some reason it caught him off-guard when she began to turn him down, walking away from him every time he tried to start up a conversation. It stung him a little, but Pax could take a hint. So she wasn’t interested. No big deal, right?
He shifted uncomfortably against the wall, feeling a weird tension in his shoulders and at the top of his back, the ache in his bones flaring up every time he thought of Jessica. Okay, so apparently, it bothered him, being…not “broken up with,” exactly, but rejected. So what? He’d get over it soon enough. Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself. In reality, he’d never felt this way before and he wasn’t exactly sure what to do with these new feelings.
The next moment, Tom walked by, tearing Pax out of his thoughts. “Come with me,” his boss said, gesturing for Pax to follow him into the back office.
As soon as Pax was inside the office, Tom closed and locked the door, leaning over his desk like he needed something to support his weight. The poor guy looked like he hadn’t slept in about a year, his face pale and drawn with worry. “What’s up?” Pax asked after several long moments of awkward, tense silence between them.
“I don’t know what to do, Pax,” Tom said, sighing out the words, sounding like he’d just run ten miles in a row.
“About the MC?” Pax suggested, and Tom nodded in response.
“That guy, Gary or whatever his name is, he won’t leave me alone. He showed up at my fucking house, man, with two huge dudes behind him, saying that he was just checking in on me,” Tom said, blowing out his breath and rubbing his forehead frantically, like he was trying to scrub off his own skin. “I have no fucking clue what to do here, man.”
“They’re just trying to scare you,” Pax said, stepping a little closer to Tom’s desk. “Don’t give them what they want.”
“Well, what the fuck else am I supposed to do?” Tom said, his voice getting a little louder and sharper as his frustration grew. “Huh? What’s the big answer? Because I don’t know what else to do here, man, besides just wait for them to make their move.”
Pax nodded slowly. “We can hire some more bouncers for the club. Make it so that they’re more nervous about showing up randomly and trying to force their way in,” he suggested.
“I don’t have the money for that,” Tom said exasperatedly. “And besides, it was hard enough finding two or three guys to work here. Everyone else in this stupid town is either in an MC or too scared of them to do anything.”
Pax didn’t know what to say. The truth was, Tom was right to be afraid. There was no clear solution, no obvious way out of their predicament. For now, all they could do was wait on pins and needles for the MC to act. Maybe it would take months; maybe it’d even take years before the Nightwalkers would make a move. Maybe they were really too scared to do anything and just wanted Tom to be more afraid than they were. Maybe it was all just an extended game of chicken. But there was no way for them to tell.
Tom cleared his throat and straightened up, staring across at Pax for a second before speaking again. “I’m thinking of selling.”
“Selling the Gorge?” Pax asked.
Tom nodded. “That’s one thing that Gary suggested to me the other night. He’ll buy it from me and then I can get out of town without getting my hands dirty.”
“Jesus Christ,” Pax muttered under his breath, his hands curling up into fists automatically just at the sound of Gary’s name. “You can’t do that, Tom.”
“Why not?” Tom said, his tone defensive and a little angry. “Why the fuck not? What else can I do here, Pax? Get fucking killed by a bunch of bikers just because of this crummy little place?”
“You just got here!” Pax said. “This is your fucking bar. Don’t roll over and do whatever Gary wants just because he’s the head of some stupid motorcycle gang. Don’t let them fucking control you, Tom.”
Tom shrugged and shook his head. “You know, in another life, maybe, I’d listen to you. But I’m getting old, Pax. I can’t keep starting over. I can’t keep starting businesses that fail. I need money. I need to survive. If I sell to Gary, I might make a small profit and then be able to get out of this dump. Maybe I could go somewhere where there aren’t any gangs threatening to get in the way of my business,” he said.
Pax racked his brain for a response, trying to land on any possible solution to convince Tom not to sell. But he couldn’t come up with anything. He sighed deeply and nodded. “I understand,” he said, even though he felt anger simmering up from the base of his stomach. “Let me know before you make the sale, okay? I just want to have warning before the place gets turned into Nightwalker Central.”
“All right,” Tom said, sitting down behind his desk and pulling out his bottle of whiskey. “I’ll talk to you later. Get back to work.”
Pax marched back out of Tom’s office, heading straight for the bar, cutting through the crowd of people to get to Jessica. “Meet me outside. Now,” he said, not pausing to get her response before he walked through the back entrance to wait for her.
Luckily, she must have sensed the urgency in his voice, as she showed up less than a minute later, hugging her arms to protect herself against the bitter cold outside. “What’s going on?” she asked.
“It’s over,” Pax said, his voice coming out dull and emotionless even though inside he felt like all of his organs were boiling over. “The Gorge. It’s done.”
“What do you mean?” Jessica asked. She stepped forward a little, like she was going to get closer to Pax, but then she stopped herself.
“Tom’s going to sell to the Nightwalkers,” Pax explained. “It’s over.”
Jessica’s jaw fell open for a second, but then she closed it, her eyes looking glazed
-over and unfocused as she began to nod. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, that makes sense.”
“That makes sense?” Pax parroted back to her, feeling confused and angry. “So you’re just ready to give up, too?”
Jessica sighed and shrugged. “I tried, Pax. We tried. It’s not going to work, though. They’re just bigger than us. There’s no way to fight them.”
Pax shook his head, his thoughts pounding painfully on the inside of his skull. He knew she was right, but he was just so fucking frustrated. It was just like being kicked out of the Army all over again. The guy with the largest number of people behind him won, always. He was stupid for ever thinking otherwise, he knew, but it was like there was some idiotic part of him that never stopped believing there was a way to fight back. He just wished he knew what it was.
“Anyway, I figured you’d want to know so you can, like, get as many shifts as possible before Gary takes over,” Pax said. “Although, who knows, right? Maybe he’ll keep you on once he takes over. He still seems to be into you.”
Jessica’s whole body flinched visibly, and Pax immediately regretted saying what he’d said about Gary. He knew she didn’t love Gary anymore, but he couldn’t help but think that if Gary took over the Gorge, he’d take over Jessica again, too. Maybe that’s why he was really angry. Pax didn’t really care about the Gorge, except as a symbol for his time with Jessica. It was all about her, right from the start, he finally realized, feeling like the truth hit him directly in the stomach, right as he looked across at Jessica again and noticed that her eyes were filled with tears.
“I—I’m…” Pax trailed off, unsure if his mouth was capable of saying the words, “I’m sorry” even though his heart was screaming at him to just say it.
“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just being stupid,” Jessica said, sniffling loudly and wiping at her wet eyes. “I’m just emotional lately, that’s all.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Pax asked, stepping a little closer to Jessica.
But Jessica took a step back, preserving the distance between them. “No, I’m all right. I think I’m just going to quit before he takes over. Maybe leave town.”
“Oh,” Pax said, feeling a weird sensation of hope begin to grow from his chest like a leaf sprouting from a sidewalk. “Where?”
Jessica shrugged. “Anywhere. Nowhere. Just not here.”
Pax nodded. He understood that impulse. It was the thing that brought him here, to this middle-of-nowhere piece of shit town ruled by MCs. But why was he now so tempted to stay, to fight, to stop running?
Looking at Jessica, seeing the way she fought so hard to hold back her tears, he knew that he had his answer.
But it didn’t matter. It was over between them. She didn’t want anything real, and Pax would just have to respect that. Even if it almost killed him.
Chapter Twenty
Jessica
As Jessica walked home in the cold, holding her jacket as tight around her body as possible, she said a silent apology to the life growing inside of her: I’m so sorry, baby. I’ll get us somewhere warm and safe soon. I promise.
And tonight, she meant it. She was going to book a bus ticket to get out of town before the Gorge could be sold to that motherfucker who claimed to love her. She rushed inside her apartment, turning up the heat as soon as she entered before plopping down on her couch.
So, Tom had given up. She guessed that she shouldn’t have felt surprised, really. Tom had no dog in this fight. He was just a businessman trying to make money. It made sense that he’d given in to Gary’s demands. But it still hurt her, even though she saw it coming. She felt like the last little bit of protection she had in this world was about to ripped away.
No matter, she told herself, straightening up and pulling out her phone from the pocket of her jacket. She’d be out of here long before the Gorge was in Gary’s grubby little hands. But of course, when she tried to find a bus ticket to take her out of town, she discovered that her data was low, and she couldn’t access the Internet from her apartment. “Goddammit,” she muttered out loud, tempted to throw her phone across the room.
But before she could, a text message from Macie appeared on the screen. “Hey, honey. I know you’re mad at me, but can we talk? Just for a few minutes. I know you’re busy.”
For some reason the text made Jessica’s heart sink low in her chest. She just pictured Macie’s sad, earnest face as she typed it. Macie had always wanted the best for her, always looked after her. At least she had in the past. Jessica didn’t know what was going on now, since she hadn’t seen Macie since the night Gary showed up at her apartment. Usually she saw her every other day, at the bare minimum. Maybe they were just drifting apart naturally. Or maybe Gary had warned Macie not to get close to her, to make Jessica feel as alone as possible. Jessica wouldn’t put it past him.
On one hand, Jessica was tempted to ignore Macie’s text, to skip town without even acknowledging her former best friend. That would show her, right? That would prove a point. You don’t fucking abandon your friends. Ever.
But on the other hand, it crushed Jessica to think that she might not ever see Macie again. Macie couldn’t come with her; that was for sure. She was married to the town, to the Nightwalkers. In escaping Gary, Jessica would be leaving behind the one person left that she loved from her days at Sully’s. That still meant something, despite how angry and hurt she felt about Macie’s recent actions.
She unlocked her phone again and opened up her contacts page, clicking on Macie’s name to call her. The call rang three times before Macie picked up. “Hello?!” she asked, sounding a little frantic, like she was afraid Jessica was going to hang up on her if she didn’t talk quickly enough.
“Hey,” Jessica said, sighing deeply. Her heart pounded against her ribcage, almost hurting her with its insistent rhythm. She didn’t know if she was nervous because of what she was about to tell Macie, or if she thought Macie might tattle on her to Gary. Either way, she knew she was still going to tell her the truth. Macie was still her best friend, for better or for worse. There was no denying that. “I have something to tell you.”
“Okay, honey, I’m here for you,” Macie said, sounding a little calmer but still not as casual or confident as she usually would. Jessica was a little curious, wondering what was going on at the other end of the phone, but she decided not to push the issue. She had enough to worry about on her own.
“Um, so I’m pregnant,” Jessica said. It was the first time she’d said those words out loud. They landed hard and heavy within her own ears. She could only imagine what they felt like to Macie, who had no warning.
“Fuck!” Macie said on the other end of the phone. “Jesus Christ!”
“Yep,” Jessica said. “That was my reaction, too.”
“What are you going to do?” Macie said. “It’s Pax’s, right?”
“Yeah, it’s definitely Pax’s,” Jessica replied, feeling a little grateful that it wasn’t Gary’s. “And I’m leaving town.”
“Wh-what?” Macie said, her tongue tripping over the word.
“I’m leaving,” Jessica repeated, saying the words slowly so that Macie had time to digest them. “I wasn’t going to tell you, but then I figured you deserved to know ahead of time. I’ve got to leave. Soon.”
“How soon?” Macie said, her voice coming out higher-pitched, fear evident in her tone.
“I don’t know. Sometime over the next couple of days, as soon as I get Internet access again or have time to walk to the bus station,” Jessica explained. “The Gorge is going to be Gary’s soon, and I can’t be around when that happens.”
Macie exhaled shakily on the other end. “Jessica. Please think about this.”
“I have,” Jessica said quickly. “I’ve thought about this, and this is the best move for me and my child. And you can’t tell anyone. At least, not until after I’m gone.”
“Jessica, please,” Macie said, outright begging now. “Please, just listen to me. Wait a little bit longer, okay? Jus
t a little bit longer and things will be better, all right? I promise.”
Jessica scoffed, shaking her head. “How can you say that to me? Where the fuck have you even been, the last couple of weeks? I haven’t seen you at all. How can you just text me out of nowhere and act like everything’s going to be okay when you haven’t been there for me?”
“Jessica, I’ve had to deal with some stuff, okay, stuff I can’t talk about right now, but I promise—”
“No, no, save it,” Jessica said, feeling fully incensed now. “Unless you can go back in time and not abandon me to Gary, who could have fucking raped me for all you know, you can just save it. I spent years thinking that you were my only ally, you know that? You were the only person I trusted. But you’re just like everybody else, wanting to keep me here so Gary can have me. Well, it’s not going to happen. He’s not going to get me or my baby. Ever.”
“Jessica—” Macie started to say, but Jessica hung up before she could get any more words out.
