by B. L. Mooney
“No, it’s just that every time I turn around, somebody else is getting married.”
“I know about Drew and Dennis, but who else is getting married?”
“Well, Danielle’s mom was first. Then it was Drew, then my friend’s dad, Mom and Dad, and now that guy!” She pointed to the door where Tom walked out.
“Did you say your Mom and Dad? Rachael and Carl are getting married?”
She covered her mouth. It was muffled when she spoke. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything.”
I looked at my parents. They didn’t look too happy. “It’s okay. We won’t tell them we know.”
The next night, Rachael was through the door first and the first to get a running Amy in her arms. She squeezed her tightly as if it had been years instead of days since they last saw each other.
Amy held her face and whispered, “Are you my mom now?”
Rachael whispered back, “We’re one step closer, sweets.” She handed Amy to Carl so he could get his hug and headed over to me. “Thank you so much for watching her.”
She was beaming and couldn’t stop smiling. I smiled, too. I stood up and hugged her. “Marriage looks good on you.”
“Shit.” She started laughing. “I knew we should’ve waited to tell her.”
I pulled her into the kitchen and hugged her again. “It really does look good on you.”
“Thanks.” She pulled back. “How pissed are Mom and Dad?”
I shrugged. “They’re probably more hurt they couldn’t be there.”
“Yeah. I was going to go over there tomorrow, but I guess I should go tonight.” She picked up the dishtowel on the counter and started to fold it. “I just don’t like the attention and it was really starting to panic me. Drew’s wedding was beautiful and I thought after seeing it that it would help me settle my nerves and make me want it, too.” She put the dishtowel down and looked at me. “It didn’t.”
I rubbed her upper arm. “It’s okay. I just think they would’ve liked to have been told.”
“After Drew’s wedding, I cried a lot. It was all so overwhelming. Carl’s already had the fairytale wedding, so he didn’t care. He just wanted to marry me.”
“What about your honeymoon?”
“We’ll take one, but I think we’ll take Amy with us.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. There are plenty of times when Amy is with her friends and we get alone time. We talked about it, and I don’t think either one of us could be away from her that long.”
“What did she mean about you being her mom yet?”
“I’m going to adopt her.” Rachael smiled again. “I love her so much. I don’t want to just be Carl’s wife. I want to be her mom officially.”
I hugged her again. “I’m so happy for you.”
She held me tight. “You’re very huggy today. What’s up?”
It was my turn to smile. “I told Mick I’m in love with him.”
Rachael screamed and jumped while still hugging me. Carl ran in. “What the hell? I thought you were hurt.”
I tried to turn to Carl, but Rachael wouldn’t let me go. “We’re having a sister moment.” I felt her shoo him out of the kitchen. “I’m so happy for you, Deb.” She pulled back and held onto my face. “I’m so happy for both of us.”
We heard the door open and heard Mick greet Carl and Amy. Rachael looked at me and winked before heading out to the living room. She sat on Carl’s lap and whispered something to him we couldn’t hear.
Mick came over to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. I wasn’t sure what his mood was, but it was a bit heavier than when I last saw him. I looked up at him, but he just gave a quick shake of his head.
Rachael stood and pulled Carl up. “Well, it’s been great to see you, but we have another stop to make before we head home. Thanks again for watching Amy.”
I smiled when Mick answered. “Oh, it was our pleasure. She’s a load of fun and not too bad in the kitchen. I’ll take her on as my sous chef anytime.”
Once the hugging and goodbyes were finished, I shut the door and turned to Mick. “What’s going on?” I still didn’t like the worry in his eyes.
“He’s coming after you.”
“We already knew that.”
“No, according to him, you will be arrested before this next week is out. He’s gathering evidence, and whatever it is has convinced an Assistant District Attorney to look at it for prosecution.”
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want the words he was saying to be real. I was just finding the life I always wanted and it was about to be ripped from me. Found guilty or not, the trial would turn my life upside-down, and I didn’t want that to happen. It wouldn’t be good publicity for my flower shop, and it wouldn’t be good for Mick’s restaurant. I looked at Mick.
“No. You are not going to pull away from me now. I won’t let you.”
I fought his arms, but he was stronger and held me close. “I don’t want to ruin you.”
“You complete me. It will ruin me to be without you.”
“You seem tense today. What’s on your mind?”
Joseph was very perceptive of my moods. I had planned on telling him about how happy I was feeling, and it was going to be a good session. I was looking forward to starting the transition from needing full-time therapy to moving on to something a little more infrequent. He was a huge help in getting my thought process turned around, but the fear of going to trial brought all that negative energy back.
“Detective McCoy is moving forward.”
“Yes, I know.”
I looked at him. “He’s contacted you, too.”
He nodded. “I, of course, didn’t even confirm if you were a client or not, but he said he’ll be back with a court order. It isn’t the first time I’ve been faced with this situation.”
“What happens?”
“Usually, nothing. They can’t get a court order just because they want one. There has to be extenuating circumstances to which none of them would apply to your case. The only time I will discuss anything is if you give me permission and usually that would be for my testimony at court.”
“I’m scared, Joseph.”
“What are you frightened of?”
“I’m just learning to live my life. I told Mick I am in love with him. I’m making plans for a future with him and dreaming about having his children.” I leaned over and grabbed a tissue.
“I don’t want you to change any of that.”
“But what if I go to trial?”
“What if you don’t?” He put his notepad down and leaned forward. “The ‘what ifs’ in life will eat at you if you let them. You will waste precious time if you only think of what may happen in the future. Live for today. You and Mick will handle whatever comes your way. Do you not believe your relationship is strong enough for that?”
“I do believe it is. I don’t want him to have to go through it, though.”
“If the tables were turned, would you back out on him?”
I closed my eyes. “Of course not. I couldn’t.”
“Then why would you back out on yourself?” He picked his notepad up again. “Since things seem to be taking a turn in the case, let’s discuss more of Craig in this session.”
“We’ve talked him to death.” I closed my eyes. “That was a poor choice of words.”
“I understand what you meant, but we need to go over a few things.”
“Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
“Were you in love with him?”
“We’re going to go over what we’ve already talked about?”
“Yes.”
I sighed. “No. I think I was in love with the idea that someone wanted me.”
“You weren’t in love with him at the time?”
“I don’t know what I was feeling. So much has happened between then and now.”
“What do you remember thinking?”
“He made me feel excited. Until that afternoon I met him for the interv
iew, I never felt excited. I thought I was incapable of excitement. I was just boring.”
“How did he make you feel excited?”
“I’d never done anything wrong in my entire life. I’d made mistakes, I’m not saying that, but I was always good. He was bad. I wanted to be bad.”
“You knew he was bad?”
“Yes, but I didn’t know he was evil. I just thought he was a misunderstood soul like me.”
“Let’s talk about the first day you actually spent time with him. What happened?”
“When I picked him up at the place we had agreed to meet, he told me to get out of the car.”
I rolled my window down and waited for Craig. He wasn’t sure what time he’d be there, but I was willing to wait. I’d waited years to see him, so a few more hours wouldn’t be hard.
He stuck his head in the window and kissed me. I was caught off-guard but soon got into the kiss. It left me breathless. “Get out.”
I gave him a puzzled look but opened the door as he reached in and grabbed the keys. When he stood up, he looked around. He grabbed my hand and pulled me behind him. He looked in the two delivery vans he stood between and turned to me with a sinister smile. I backed up.
“Where do you think you’re going?” He pulled me close, put his hand between my legs and grinned. “You did exactly as I asked.”
I put my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my clit. He asked me to wear a short dress and nothing else. I figured he’d fool around in the car, but I didn’t think we’d leave the car. His hand moved faster and I moaned.
“That’s it. Get wet for me.” He unfastened his pants with his other hand and my eyes got wide after he exposed his erection.
“You want to do it here?”
“Yes.” He pulled me closer.
I tried to back up. “I don’t think I can do it here.”
He took his hand out from under my dress and licked his fingers. “That tells me you can.”
My breathing got faster as I looked around. It wasn’t a busy day and the delivery vans we were standing between did seem to hide us. He pulled me to him. “Can we make it fast?”
The look in his eyes told me I would probably regret that comment, but it excited me at the same time. “Sure thing, baby.”
He spun me around and bent me over. I gripped the two side mirrors on the vans as he thrust into me. Sex was never that fast or hard for me before. The college guys I slept with were just as inexperienced and never lasted long, and my husband wasn’t anything like that when we were having sex. It was a whole new world to me.
I liked it.
I started to push back against him, trying to get him deeper. “That’s it, baby. Take me all in.”
I kept one hand on a side mirror and put my other hand on the back of his jeans. It was getting harder to stand. “Craig. Oh, God.”
The orgasms I’d had before were all from foreplay or oral sex. I’d never had an orgasm while someone was inside me. This feeling was intense and powerful.
And I never wanted it to end.
“What do you want?” He bent over and whispered in my ear. “Do you still want to go fast?”
“Yes! Yes, go faster.”
He stood up and laughed as he gripped my hips harder. “Hang on. You’re going to need it.”
I reached up and grabbed the other side mirror again as he picked up speed. I couldn’t keep up with his thrusts, so I let him do all the work. I closed my eyes as I felt myself going higher. I was afraid the drop was going to kill me.
Then it happened.
“Oh, fuck!” I cried out my pleasure. “Don’t stop. God, don’t stop!”
He thrust a few more times and stayed in deep as he found his release. He stood me up and tilted my head toward him to kiss me while he was still inside me. My legs were like jelly and it was hard to stand, but I accepted his kiss in the hopes we could continue. I wasn’t sure what had happened to me at that moment, but I no longer cared who saw what I was doing.
I felt my cheeks as they burned and fanned myself. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for? Just because it happened with Craig doesn’t mean it can’t still affect you. It’s still an experience you had and enjoyed, regardless of the person it was with.” He looked at me for a moment. “Do you feel guilt when you remember things you think shouldn’t be good memories?”
“How can any memory with Craig be good? He was manipulative. Everything he did was to manipulate the situation to his advantage.”
“Yes, but you seem to take yourself out of that experience.”
“I don’t understand.”
“When you spoke about this before, you spoke only as if Craig had gotten something out of it. You made it sound as if he had forced you by guilt to do this. You didn’t allow yourself to remember the memory as it was. You enjoyed it, too.”
“Is that wrong?”
“Not at all. People engage in public sex all the time. You’ve probably walked past couples you have no idea are actually in the act. They don’t want you to see them, so they hide, but they’re still excited because they could be seen.
“What I’m saying is this. Do not discount your experiences with Craig. They are still your experiences. Learn from them. If you shut them down as just being his, you’ll lose a big part of yourself.”
“What am I supposed to learn from that experience?”
Joseph looked at me for a moment. “I’ll give you this one as an example, but the rest will have to come from you. You still say that until Al, you were boring sexually. You felt undesirable and a complete turn-off for your ex-husband. You felt that’s why he went to another woman.
“The truth is you are a very sexual woman. You just didn’t have the right partner to bring it out in you. It’s unfortunate that Craig had to be the first man to show you how desirable you were, but after that story, you can’t tell me he didn’t desire you.”
I scoffed. “He had just gotten out of prison. I think he’d have taken whatever he could’ve gotten.”
He shook his head. “You are not to discount your feelings or experiences just because they were with Craig, Tom, or any other person who turned out to not be what you expected. You are to accept your feelings. You are to accept your experiences. All of them.”
He closed his notepad and looked at me. “And you are to continue to live your life as if you have no trial hanging over your head. Love Mick. Make plans with him. Pick out baby names for your future children. The one thing you are not allowed to do is act as if you haven’t lived through half the things you’ve lived through. Is that clear?”
Joseph didn’t get stern often, and he didn’t demand things ever. All I could do was nod. It surprised me how that session had turned out. I thought I was getting better, but apparently, he had other opinions.
He stood but sighed and sat back down. “Deb, I want you to be happy in this world with who you are and who you have become. If you are too focused on only allowing the good to define you, you’ll never know the person you truly are. The person who Mick loves. The person who Rachael now considers her best friend. You’re missing out on a really great woman. I hope you can meet her one day.”
Joseph gave me a lot to think about. I did want to meet the woman Mick fell in love with and the sister Rachael considered a friend. I shook my head. How could everyone else see me as someone different? I should’ve known who I really was, but Joseph was right. I hadn’t a clue.
Mick pulled me out of my thoughts, wrapping his arms around my waist. “These are beautiful.”
“Thanks.” I hugged his arms and went back to work. “I’ve got to finish them for tonight.”
“How late is this appointment?”
“Not too late, actually. They’re both supposed to be here just after five. It probably depends on traffic.” I smiled. “I can’t believe one wedding for Drew sparked all this interest in my flowers.”
Mick hugged me tighter. “Why not? You’re amazing.”
I r
eached up behind me and touched his face. “Thank you, but you know what I mean. When people are standing in line for your restaurant, you’ll understand what I’m saying.”
“I do understand. I just think you’re amazing.” He turned me and kissed me. “I need to get back. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Have you thought of a name yet?”
He rubbed the back of his neck as he backed up.
“You already have one. What is it?” I raised my eyebrows when he looked away. I reached out for him and put my hands under his shirt. If anything was going to make him talk, it was tracing the sculpted lines on his chest. I loved tickling him.
“Okay!” He grabbed my hands through his shirt. “It just isn’t as clever as Deb’s Dew Drops.”
I started to move my fingers again. “Tell me.”
“Just Mick’s.” He closed his eyes. “Without just, of course.” He opened his eyes and looked at me. “It’s dumb, isn’t it?”
I slid my hands around his back. “Why would that be dumb? I think it’s great.”
“You do?” He wrapped his arms around me.
“Yeah. You’ll kind of become their friend that way. When people ask each other where they want to go for dinner, they’ll just say your name as if they know you.”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that. I wanted to make it mine, you know? It’s been a struggle to follow through with it when I know I was supposed to do something else. I want it known that I’m proud of the restaurant. I will be, anyway.”
“I’m proud of you already.” I kissed him.
He started to walk toward the back door. “Did you remember to bring your stuff over?”
“Shit. I’m sorry. I was preoccupied by my appointment with Joseph, and I left the bag by the front door. If I have time, I’ll run home and get it before the couple shows to look at the flowers.”
He shrugged. “It’s okay. You can bring it tomorrow.”
I smiled as I turned back to the flowers. He was so excited to have me move some things in. It was cute. I’d have to try to make the time to get my bag. I wanted to move some of my stuff in, too.
