by Ola Wegner
God, he should not have taken her like that.
Darcy hid his face in his hands. She deserved better than that. She was his wife, and no matter how much he desired her, he should control himself better than this. She said she did not mind, but still he could have hurt her, especially now, when she might be…
His thoughts were interrupted when the door opened and doctor entered.
Darcy jumped to his feet. “How is she?” He walked to the door, trying to look over the doctor’s head into her bedroom, but the man closed the door before he could see anything.
“I think your wife needs a few minutes of privacy as the moment. Her maid is with her.”
The doctor moved to the small table near the window, putting his bag on it, arranging his instruments into order.
He closed the bag and turned to Darcy, who was still standing beside the door to his wife’s bedroom . “I congratulate you, Mr. Darcy. You can expect your firstborn son or daughter this very spring.” Doctor Johnson smiled at the younger man.
Darcy raked his hand through his hair. “Doctor, how can this be?”
The doctor’s brows raised high on his forehead, and he looked at Darcy from behind his spectacles. “Mr. Darcy, I think I do not have to explain to you where babies come from.”
“No, of course not. But it is so soon; we have been married for only two months.”
Doctor Johnson smiled. “And that is quite enough, sir, I assure you. After the conversation with your wife, I can safely state that the child had to be conceived in the first days of the marriage. It should be born in seven months, late April or the beginning of May.”
Darcy did not reply to his words. He stayed gravely silent, his expression sullen, his eyes unreadable.
The doctor observed him carefully before he spoke again, this time in a gentler voice. “There is nothing to be worried about, Mr. Darcy. Your wife is young, strong and healthy. She is petite, but not too thin. She told me her mother gave birth to five healthy infants in less than ten years. I do not perceive any problems.”
Darcy shook his head, putting the back of his hand into his mouth. “God, I just cannot imagine how she will be able to…. It is all my fault.”
“Mr. Darcy, it is what marriage is about, is it not? Mrs. Darcy is a young married woman. What happened is more than natural and expected. I repeat that there is no reason to worry yourself. She is of strong build and seems perfectly capable of carrying a child to term and giving birth to a healthy infant.”
When Darcy did not comment on this either, the doctor continued in his usual professional tone. “She says she has not much of an appetite, which is expected in the first months. There may appear a morning sickness soon, meaning she would return all she consumes, but still she has to eat properly so as not to lose her strength.”
Darcy nodded. “I understand.”
“You can also expect her moods change. She can be more emotional, which is all perfectly normal in her condition. She cannot tax herself, but she can follow her daily routine, only she must rest more often, especially when the tiredness she described to me comes over her.”
“I will see to that,” Darcy murmured, his voice distant.
Doctor Johnson took his bag, walking to Darcy. “My boy, forgive me for addressing you so in saying this, but I think I have the right; I helped you and your sister to come into this world, after all.” The old doctor put his wrinkled, calloused hand on the strong arm of the younger man. “She is not like your mother. You cannot allow yourself to think that what happened with Lady Anne will repeat itself with you wife. You chose well; she will bear you many healthy babies, and she will be well, as well, being a good mother to them. Now go to her. Women need more affection and support when carrying a child. I say this as a husband who survived through three pregnancies, not a doctor. You do not want her to fall into depression, do you?” Darcy shook his head. “She is very happy with the news,” he added.
“Thank you, Doctor,” Darcy said, bowing his head with respect. “Perhaps you would wish to stay for the night? It is late.”
“No, my wife expects me to return home for the night.”
“Pray, Doctor, send your wife my apologies. I am sorry to have interrupted your dinner.”
The doctor waved his hand dismissively. “She is used to it, being married to a man of my profession for nearly thirty years now.”
Darcy shook the doctor’s hand. “Thank you.”
“It will be all right.” The elder gentleman smiled reassuringly and left the room.
Darcy took a deep breath, knocking at the door to her bedroom.
“Enter.”
She was sitting on the bed, wearing an elegant, but modest, dressing gown. She looked up at him, her eyes searching his. Darcy sat next to her, took her hand and kissed it. He felt her arms coming around his neck tightly. He sighed and hugged her to him.
“William, you are happy, are you not?” Her wide, worried eyes stared into his face.
Darcy cupped her cheek, stroking it with his thumb. “Of course I am, sweetheart. I am very happy that there is to be a baby.” He kissed the tip of her nose.
Her face broke into a big smile. “What would you prefer, a boy or a girl?” She did not give him a chance to answer, because she cried enthusiastically. “I know, a boy to inherit Pemberley!”
“First of all, I want you to be in good health during the whole confinement, and especially when the time comes for the baby to be born.”
She enveloped his large hand into both of her much smaller ones and gave it a squeeze. “I am fine, and I am not afraid.” She grinned again. “But you were surprised, were you not?”
“I simply did not expect it to happen so soon.”
Her delicate brows creased. She looked worried again. “But you are happy?”
“Yes. You are the only woman I have ever seen as the mother of my children.”
She smiled blissfully and sought the comfort of his arms again. “Oh, William, my darling love,” she murmured, her face hidden in his neck. “I am so excited about it; I could not be happier.”
Darcy kissed her forehead and rubbed her back, staring at the space in front of him.
My darling love she had addressed him; it was the first time ever she called him her love, and it was only now, because he had conceived a child with her.
She stayed in his arms till a knock on the door was heard.
It was Georgiana, asking whether everything was all right.
Elizabeth looked up at him and whispered. “Can I tell her?”
He nodded and she fled from his arms, opening the door and sharing the news with his sister.
It was nearly eleven o’clock when he at last managed to put her into bed. She snuggled into his arms with her back to his chest and took his right hand, placing it on her belly. With a soft happy sigh, she closed her eyes.
Yet, Darcy lay there wide awake not being able to forget about his fears.
Chapter Seventeen
Darcy woke early in the morning to the retching sounds coming from the adjacent room. He gave a weary sigh and got out of bed. He pulled on his breeches and tucked his nightshirt into them carelessly.
On entering the dressing room, he saw Elizabeth on her knees, bent over and emptying herself into the chamber pot. He knelt behind her, gathering her hair and rubbing her back.
When her vomiting came to end, he arranged her against his chest and dabbed her face with a wet towel. Next he hoisted her into his arms and carried her back into the bedroom.
“Sit with me,” she murmured, her eyes closed.
Darcy sat on the edge of the bed, his large palm on her tummy, messaging it gently.
Elizabeth turned her head to the side, and still not opening her eyes, spoke. “Are you going to Kedleston Hall to see Sir John today?”
Darcy cupped her face, stroking her temple with his thumb. “Yes, I had planned to, but I can stay with you.”
“No, I am fine.” Her eyes opened and she smiled. “It i
s the worst in the morning. Lady Edwards promised me a herbal tea for the morning sickness when I saw her in Lambton last time. She said it helped her when she was with child, and one of her friends as well.”
He lifted her hand to his lips. “I will remember.”
“Thank you.” She closed her eyes again.
Darcy stayed by her side for a while longer, stroking her hand imprisoned in both of his.
“William, I am fine.” She looked up at him again, lifted herself and snuggled against his chest. “You remember what Doctor Johnson said; that it is all very normal, the sickness, it shall pass in a few weeks.”
Darcy did not answer her, but hid his face in her hair. Elizabeth’s arms went around him as if she had wanted to fill him with her strength.
“What is the matter?” she whispered in a soft voice. “You have been so grave of late.”
“I am worried for you.”
“There is no reason. I am fine. I am young and healthy.”
He squeezed her to him. “It is difficult for me to think about it in terms of reason. You see my mother…”
Elizabeth put her finger on his lips. “Shhh, I know about your mother. I understand, or rather I hope that I can understand, what you can feel, but I am not she.”
Darcy put his hands on both sides of her face. “I could not lose you. If anything happened, I would not be able to live without you, Elizabeth. I would not be able to pull myself together one more time. I cannot lose another person I love.”
“You will not.”
He shook his head, his expression distressed and vulnerable at the same time. “I am afraid. That fear in me is not rational. I cannot control it.”
Elizabeth brought him to herself again. “Everything is going to be well.”
“How can you know for sure?”
Elizabeth rubbed his back. “I just know.”
Darcy freed himself from her embrace and stood up. “I had better go wash and dress if I want to manage with everything today.” He leaned over, kissing the top of her head. “Promise me that you will take care of yourself when I am absent.”
She gave him a bright smile. “I will.”
He smiled back at her at last before leaving the room.
***
Darcy looked down at Pemberley from atop of his horse. It had been a busy day, and he was tired. After the sunny morning, it started to rain and dark heavy clouds drew over Pemberley. It suited his mood, and the dark thoughts which had invaded him, suited very well, indeed. He had felt restless today, and to be honest with himself, he had felt like this since he had learned about the baby.
When he was falling in love with Elizabeth, when he battled with himself against the overpowering attraction he felt for her, when he proposed to her, when he was fighting for her good opinion and feelings, it had always been she who was on his mind. He had always wanted to be with her, but he gave little or no thought at all to having children with her. Certainly he had always presumed he would have children at some point of his life; even though it had never been his aim in marrying Elizabeth. His only intention was being with her and loving her.
He had not expected her to conceive so quickly. It was still almost impossible for him to imagine that in a few months the baby would appear, the little creature who would take all her attention and love for certain. He had noticed how well Elizabeth interacted with children. That she would be a wonderful and devoted mother, he had no doubt.
He had been so concentrated on her, on their happiness since that day in the townhouse when she had told him she was falling in love with him. However, she had never said I love you. Perhaps it was just infatuation on her part. She was simply overwhelmed with the physical demonstration of their love.
She was so happy about the baby. Despite the fact that she had been ill every single morning for the past two weeks and often exhausted with her sickness so much that she was unable to return to bed on her own, like this morning, she had never said a word of complaint.
Darcy did not allow himself to even think that something might go wrong when the time would come. He once had felt frustrated and even angry with his father, because he had neglected Georgiana after their mother’s death. Now he understood his father very well; there would be no point for him to live if Elizabeth was to….
Darcy kicked his heels into the horse’s sides. He could not allow himself to think like this. Nothing good could come from such thinking. On reaching the manor, he left the horse to the servant, and asked the butler about his wife’s whereabouts. Having been informed she was upstairs in her room, he went there directly.
He entered their room and saw her bent over the bed.
“You are here at last, I was worried for you.” She ran into his arms.
He picked her up, inhaling her sweet scent, basking into her warmth. He felt immediately better.
He held her for a long moment till he felt her struggling gently out of his embrace. “Look what I have bought today.” She took his hand with a smile and led him to the bed. “On impulse Georgiana and I decided to take a carriage and go to Lambton.”
Darcy stared gravely at the baby clothes strewn over the bed coverlet: pastel dresses, little hats and tiny shoes.
“Are they not beautiful?” She took one pale yellow outfit, embroidered into pink and blue flowers, and put it to herself. “I cannot imagine that our baby will be so small to wear it.”
“Elizabeth, it is too early to buy such things.”
She gave him a helpless smile. “Oh, I know, but I simply could not help myself when I saw them.”
Darcy shrugged his shoulders dismissively. “Forgive me, but I do not see the point in buying clothes for a baby that is not yet born.”
He watched the smile disappear from her face slowly. She turned away from him and leaned over the bed, arranging the items into one pile. She brought them to her chest and made a move to walk past him. Darcy caught her arm and tried to pull her into his arms, but she backed away from him. She walked past him to the dressing room. Darcy followed her. He watched as she opened one of the drawers in the armoire, and tucked the baby clothes into it.
This time when she tried to walk past him he stopped her, pulling her almost forcefully into his embrace.
She stood stiffly in his arms, not fighting him, but neither melting into his frame as she usually did.
The painful sensation clenched his heart.
He remembered at once when he had pulled her into his arms the day after Mr. Bennet’s funeral in the Longbourn garden. It had been the same: he could feel her body against his, but he felt her resistance at the same time.
He was an intruder.
His arms around her tightened.
“How can you be so cold?” Her voice was muffled against his chest when she spoke. “This is your baby.” She raised her head at him. “You do not want this baby?”
She searched his face for an answer, but his voice turned into his old haughty tone. “What are you talking about? That is nonsense.”
Elizabeth stared into his eyes till he glanced away.
“I had thought that the reason for your mood was because of your mother,” she whispered. “I have been worried that you were comparing her with me; that you were afraid that what happened with her could repeat itself now. But there is more to this mood of yours, is there not? You do not want the baby at all.”
Darcy straightened himself and walked from her a few steps. “I do not know what you are talking about. These must be those moods Doctor Johnson mentioned. He warned me you can misinterpret some things in your state.”
“Oh, no, you will not walk out from me like this! You never talk about the baby, and you always seem irritated when I mention it or anything which refers to it, like a moment ago with the clothes.”
“I simply do not the see point in buying things for the child so early in your confinement. Besides, it would be hard for me to talk on the subject when you do it all the time.“
Elizabeth’s eyes widened.
“You are jealous,” she breathed. “Yes, you are jealous of your own child. I cannot believe this.”
“That is ridiculous.” Darcy shrugged his shoulders, his face expressionless, his voice cold. He moved past her and walked to the window.
Elizabeth ran a few steps and cut his way, standing between him and the window. “Do not hide behind your Mr. Darcy face, I know you too well. How can you be jealous of your own child? Your own flesh and blood.”
Darcy’s lips tightened in a thin line. “Because you already love it more than me!”
“What…?”
“I was stupid to think that I had earned some place in your heart, but the child has taken it all now. You have the child so you do not need me any more!”
“How can you be so selfish?” Elizabeth cried, tears brimming her eyes. “How can you be so cruel? I thought you were different, but I was right about you! My first impression was correct. It only matters for you what you want. You want something, and you have to have it no matter what!”
Elizabeth started to pace the room agitatedly, breathing deeply, tears running down her cheeks. Darcy stared at the ground, his brows creased, his expression unreadable.
“Have you not thought that I am so happy about the child because you are the father, because I carry the child of a man I love, because I want to give you children?”
She did not wait for him to answer, and she cried into his face. “No, because you can think only about yourself!”
She ran towards the door, but Darcy caught her into his embrace before she managed to reach it.
Elizabeth tried to free herself, but soon she let him cradle her into his arms, her head placed on his chest. They stood like this for a long moment before Darcy hoisted her into his arms and carried her a few steps to a comfortable armchair, sitting himself on it and arranging her on his lap.
He kissed her forehead and his arms tightened around her. “I just thought we would have more time for ourselves before the children came.”
