‘Well, if you say so,’ said Gussie doubtfully. ‘All right, G. G. Simmons, take your prize.’
‘Sir, thank you, sir.’
‘But let me tell you that there’s nothing to stick on side about in winning a prize for Scripture knowledge. Bertie Wooster –’
I don’t know when I’ve had a nastier shock. I had been going on the assumption that, now that they had stopped him making his speech, Gussie’s fangs had been drawn, as you might say. To duck my head down and resume my edging toward the door was with me the work of a moment.
‘Bertie Wooster won the Scripture-knowledge prize at a kids’ school we were at together, and you know what he’s like. But, of course, Bertie frankly cheated. He succeeded in scrounging that Scripture-knowledge trophy over the heads of better men by means of some of the rawest and most brazen swindling methods ever witnessed even at a school where such things were common. If that man’s pockets, as he entered the examination room, were not stuffed to bursting point with lists of the kings of Judah –’
I heard no more. A moment later I was out in God’s air, fumbling with a fevered foot at the self-starter of the old car.
The engine raced. The clutch slid into position. I tooted and drove off.
My ganglions were still vibrating as I ran the car into the stables of Brinkley Court, and it was a much shaken Bertram who tottered up to his room to change into something loose. Having donned flannels, I lay down on the bed for a bit, and I suppose I must have dozed off, for the next thing I remember is finding Jeeves at my side.
I sat up. ‘My tea, Jeeves?’
‘No, sir. It is nearly dinnertime.’
The mists cleared away.
‘I must have been asleep.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Nature taking its toll of the exhausted frame.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘And enough to make it.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘And now it’s nearly dinnertime, you say? All right. I am in no mood for dinner, but I suppose you had better lay out the clothes.’
‘It will not be necessary, sir. The company will not be dressing tonight. A cold collation has been set out in the dining-room.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘It was Mrs Travers’s wish that this should be done in order to minimize the work for the staff, who are attending a dance at Sir Percival Stretchley-Budd’s residence tonight.’
‘Of course, yes. I remember. My cousin Angela told me. Tonight’s the night, what? You going, Jeeves?’
‘No, sir. I am not very fond of this form of entertainment in the rural districts, sir.’
‘I know what you mean. These country binges are all the same. A piano, one fiddle, and a floor like sandpaper. Is Anatole going? Angela hinted not.’
‘Miss Angela was correct, sir. Monsieur Anatole is in bed.’
‘Temperamental blighters, these Frenchmen.’
‘Yes, sir.’
There was a pause.
‘Well, Jeeves,’ I said, ‘it was certainly one of those afternoons, what?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘I cannot recall one more packed with incident. And I left before the finish.’
‘Yes, sir. I observed your departure.’
‘You couldn’t blame me for withdrawing.’
‘No, sir. Mr Fink-Nottle had undoubtedly become embarrassingly personal.’
‘Was there much more of it after I went?’
‘No, sir. The proceedings terminated very shortly. Mr Fink-Nottle’s remarks with reference to Master G. G. Simmons brought about an early closure.’
‘But he had finished his remarks about G. G. Simmons.’
‘Only temporarily, sir. He resumed them immediately after your departure. If you recollect, sir, he had already proclaimed himself suspicious of Master Simmons’s bona fides, and he now proceeded to deliver a violent verbal attack upon the young gentleman, asserting that it was impossible for him to have won the Scripture-knowledge prize without systematic cheating on an impressive scale. He went so far as to suggest that Master Simmons was well known to the police.’
‘Golly, Jeeves!’
‘Yes, sir. The words did create a considerable sensation. The reaction of those present to this accusation I should describe as mixed. The young students appeared pleased and applauded vigorously, but Master Simmons’s mother rose from her seat and addressed Mr Fink-Nottle in terms of strong protest.’
‘Did Gussie seem taken aback? Did he recede from his position?’
‘No, sir. He said that he could see it all now, and hinted at a guilty liaison between Master Simmons’s mother and the headmaster, accusing the latter of having cooked the marks, as his expression was, in order to gain favour with the former.’
‘You don’t mean that?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Egad, Jeeves! And then –’
‘They sang the national anthem, sir.’
‘Surely not?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘At a moment like that?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Well, you were there and you know, of course, but I should have thought the last thing Gussie and this woman would have done in the circs would have been to start singing duets.’
‘You misunderstand me, sir. It was the entire company who sang. The headmaster turned to the organist and said something to him in a low tone. Upon which the latter began to play the national anthem, and the proceedings terminated.’
‘I see. About time, too.’
‘Yes, sir. Mrs Simmons’s attitude had become unquestionably menacing.’
I pondered. What I had heard was, of course, of a nature to excite pity and terror, not to mention alarm and despondency, and it would be paltering with the truth to say that I was pleased about it. On the other hand, it was all over now, and it seemed to me that the thing to do was not to mourn over the past but to fix the mind on the bright future. I mean to say, Gussie might have lowered the existing Worcestershire record for goofiness and definitely forfeited all chance of becoming Market Snodsbury’s favourite son, but you couldn’t get away from the fact that he had proposed to Madeline Bassett, and you had to admit that she had accepted him.
I put this to Jeeves.
‘A frightful exhibition,’ I said, ‘and one which will very possibly ring down history’s pages. But we must not forget, Jeeves, that Gussie, though now doubtless looked upon in the neighbourhood as the world’s worst freak, is all right otherwise.’
‘No, sir.’
I did not quite get this.
‘When you say “No, sir”, do you mean “Yes, sir”?’
‘No, sir. I mean “No, sir”.’
‘He is not all right otherwise?’
‘No, sir.’
‘But he’s betrothed.’
‘No longer, sir. Miss Bassett has severed the engagement.’
‘You don’t mean that?’
‘Yes, sir.’
I wonder if you have noticed a rather peculiar thing about this chronicle. I allude to the fact that at one time or another practically everybody playing a part in it has had occasion to bury his or her face in his or her hands. I have participated in some pretty glutinous affairs in my time, but I think that never before or since have I been mixed up with such a solid body of brow clutchers.
Uncle Tom did it, if you remember. So did Gussie. So did Tuppy. So, probably, though I have no data, did Anatole, and I wouldn’t put it past the Bassett. And Aunt Dahlia, I have no doubt, would have done it, too, but for the risk of disarranging the carefully fixed coiffure.
Well, what I am trying to say is that at this juncture I did it myself. Up went the hands and down went the head, and in another jiffy I was clutching as energetically as the best of them.
And it was while I was still massaging the coconut and wondering what the next move was that something barged up against the door like the delivery of a ton of coals.
‘I think this may very possibly be Mr Fink-Nottle
himself, sir,’ said Jeeves.
His intuition, however, had led him astray. It was not Gussie but Tuppy. He came in and stood breathing asthmatically. It was plain that he was deeply stirred.
18
* * *
I EYED HIM narrowly. I didn’t like his looks. Mark you, I don’t say I ever had, much, because Nature, when planning this sterling fellow, shoved in a lot more lower jaw than was absolutely necessary and made the eyes a bit too keen and piercing for one who was neither an Empire builder nor a traffic policeman. But on the present occasion, in addition to offending the aesthetic sense, this Glossop seemed to me to be wearing a distinct air of menace, and I found myself wishing that Jeeves wasn’t always so dashed tactful.
I mean, it’s all very well to remove yourself like an eel sliding into mud when the employer has a visitor, but there are moments – and it looked to me as if this was going to be one of them – when the truer tact is to stick around and stand ready to lend a hand in the free-for-all.
For Jeeves was no longer with us. I hadn’t seen him go, and I hadn’t heard him go, but he had gone. As far as the eye could reach, one noted nobody but Tuppy. And in Tuppy’s demeanour, as I say, there was a certain something that tended to disquiet. He looked to me very much like a man who had come to reopen that matter of my tickling Angela’s ankles.
However, his opening remark told me that I had been alarming myself unduly. It was of a pacific nature, and came as a great relief.
‘Bertie,’ he said, ‘I owe you an apology. I have come to make it.’
My relief on hearing these words, containing as they did no reference of any sort to tickled ankles, was, as I say, great. But I don’t think it was any greater than my surprise. Months had passed since that painful episode at the Drones, and until now he hadn’t given a sign of remorse and contrition. Indeed, word had reached me through private sources that he frequently told the story at dinners and other gatherings and, when doing so, laughed his silly head off.
I found it hard to understand, accordingly, what could have caused him to abase himself at this later date. Presumably he had been given the elbow by his better self, but why?
Still, there it was.
‘My dear chap,’ I said, gentlemanly to the gills, ‘don’t mention it.’
‘What’s the sense of saying, “Don’t mention it”? I have mentioned it.’
‘I mean, don’t mention it any more. Don’t give the matter another thought. We all of us forget ourselves sometimes and do things which, in our calmer moments, we regret. No doubt you were a bit tight at the time.’
‘What the devil do you think you’re talking about?’
I didn’t like his tone. Brusque.
‘Correct me if I am wrong,’ I said, with a certain stiffness, ‘but I assumed that you were apologizing for your foul conduct in looping back the last ring that night in the Drones, causing me to plunge into the swimming b. in the full soup and fish.’
‘Ass! Not that, at all’
‘Then what?’
‘This Bassett business.’
‘What Bassett business?’
‘Bertie,’ said Tuppy, ‘when you told me last night that you were in love with Madeline Bassett, I gave you the impression that I believed you, but I didn’t. The thing seemed too incredible. However, since then I have made inquiries, and the facts appear to square with your statement. I have now come to apologize for doubting you.’
‘Made inquiries?’
‘I asked her if you had proposed to her, and she said, yes, you had.’
‘Tuppy! You didn’t?’
‘I did.’
‘Have you no delicacy, no proper feeling?’
‘No.’
‘Oh? Well, right ho, of course, but I think you ought to have.’
‘Delicacy be dashed. I wanted to be certain that it was not you who stole Angela from me. I now know it wasn’t.’
So long as he knew that, I didn’t so much mind him having no delicacy.
‘Ah,’ I said. ‘Well, that’s fine. Hold that thought.’
‘I have found out who it was.’
‘What?’
He stood brooding for a moment. His eyes were smouldering with a dull fire. His jaw stuck out like the back of Jeeves’s head.
‘Bertie,’ he said, ‘do you remember what I swore I would do to the chap who stole Angela from me?’
‘As nearly as I recall, you planned to pull him inside out –’
‘– and make him swallow himself. Correct. The programme still holds good.’
‘But, Tuppy, I keep assuring you, as a competent eyewitness, that nobody snitched Angela from you during that Cannes trip.’
‘No. But they did after she got back.’
‘What?’
‘Don’t keep saying, “What?” You heard.’
‘But she hasn’t seen anybody since she got back.’
‘Oh, no? How about that newt bloke?’
‘Gussie?’
‘Precisely. The serpent Fink-Nottle.’
This seemed to me absolute gibbering.
‘But Gussie loves the Bassett.’
‘You can’t all love this blighted Bassett. What astonishes me is that anyone can do it. He loves Angela, I tell you. And she loves him.’
‘But Angela handed you your hat before Gussie ever got here.’
‘No, she didn’t. Couple of hours after.’
‘He couldn’t have fallen in love with her in a couple of hours.’
‘Why not? I fell in love with her in a couple of minutes. I worshipped her immediately we met, the pop-eyed little excrescence.’
‘But, dash it –’
‘Don’t argue, Bertie. The facts are all docketed. She loves this newt-nuzzling blister.’
‘Quite absurd, laddie – quite absurd.’
‘Oh?’ He ground a heel into the carpet – a thing I’ve often read about, but had never seen done before. ‘Then perhaps you will explain how it is that she happens to come to be engaged to him?’
You could have knocked me down with a f.
‘Engaged to him?’
‘She told me herself.’
‘She was kidding you.’
‘She was not kidding me. Shortly after the conclusion of this afternoon’s binge at Market Snodsbury Grammar School he asked her to marry him, and she appears to have right-hoed without a murmur.’
‘There must be some mistake.’
‘There was. The snake Fink-Nottle made it, and by now I bet he realizes it. I’ve been chasing him since 5.30.’
‘Chasing him?’
‘All over the place. I want to pull his head off.’
‘I see. Quite.’
‘You haven’t seen him, by any chance?’
‘No.’
‘Well, if you do, say goodbye to him quickly and put in your order for lilies … Oh, Jeeves.’
‘Sir?’
I hadn’t heard the door open, but the man was on the spot once more. My private belief, as I think I have mentioned before, is that Jeeves doesn’t have to open doors. He’s like one of those birds in India who bung their astral bodies about – the chaps, I mean, who having gone into thin air in Bombay, reassemble the parts and appear two minutes later in Calcutta. Only some such theory will account for the fact that he’s not there one moment and is there the next. He just seems to float from Spot A to Spot B like some form of gas.
‘Have you seen Mr Fink-Nottle, Jeeves?’
‘No, sir.’
‘I’m going to murder him.’
‘Very good, sir.’
Tuppy withdrew, banging the door behind him, and I put Jeeves abreast.
‘Jeeves,’ I said, ‘do you know what? Mr Fink-Nottle is engaged to my cousin Angela.’
‘Indeed, sir?’
‘Well, how about it? Do you grasp the psychology? Does it make sense? Only a few hours ago he was engaged to Miss Bassett.’
‘Gentlemen who have been discarded by one young lady are often apt to attach thems
elves without delay to another, sir. It is what is known as a gesture.’
I began to grasp.
‘I see what you mean. Defiant stuff.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘A sort of “Oh, right ho, please yourself, but if you don’t want me, there are plenty who do.”’
‘Precisely, sir. My cousin George –’
‘Never mind about your cousin George, Jeeves.’
‘Very good, sir.’
‘Keep him for the long winter evenings, what?’
‘Just as you wish, sir.’
‘And, anyway, I bet your cousin George wasn’t a shrinking, non-goose-boo-ing jellyfish like Gussie. That is what astounds me, Jeeves – that it should be Gussie who has been putting in all this heavy gesture-making stuff.’
‘You must remember, sir, that Mr Fink-Nottle is in a somewhat inflamed cerebral condition.’
‘That’s true. A bit above par at the moment, as it were?’
‘Exactly, sir.’
‘Well, I’ll tell you one thing – he’ll be in a jolly sight more inflamed cerebral condition if Tuppy gets hold of him … What’s the time?’
‘Just on eight o’clock, sir.’
‘Then Tuppy has been chasing him for two hours and a half. We must save the unfortunate blighter, Jeeves.’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘A human life is a human life, what?’
‘Exceedingly true, sir.’
‘The first thing, then, is to find him. After that we can discuss plans and schemes. Go forth, Jeeves, and scour the neighbourhood.’
‘It will not be necessary, sir. If you will glance behind you, you will see Mr Fink-Nottle coming out from beneath your bed.’
And, by Jove, he was absolutely right.
There was Gussie, emerging as stated. He was covered with fluff and looked like a tortoise popping forth for a bit of a breather.
‘Gussie!’ I said.
‘Jeeves,’ said Gussie.
‘Sir?’ said Jeeves.
‘Is that door locked, Jeeves?’
‘No, sir, but I will attend to the matter immediately.’
Gussie sat down on the bed, and I thought for a moment that he was going to be in the mode by burying his face in his hands. However, he merely brushed a dead spider from his brow.
‘Have you locked the door, Jeeves?’
The Jeeves Omnibus Vol. 2: Right Ho, Jeeves / Joy in the Morning / Carry On, Jeeves Page 18
