by K. E. Mills
Reg looked down her beak again. “No. You can’t. But make no mistake—you breaking into foreign embassies using dubious thaumaturgics is a recipe for disaster.”
Monk thudded his head against the closed driver’s side window. “Then what am I s’posed to do?”
“You let me break into the foreign embassies for you,” Reg said promptly. “If your enterprising butler has left a suitably unimportant window open I can fly in and snoop about, and if anyone sees me it’ll be Oh dear, look at the poor little birdy, let’s shoo it outside.”
Oh, lord. “And what if there’s a closed door between you and the room with the information in it? What if what we’re looking for is stuck in a drawer? What then?”
“Well, sunshine, what I lack in opposable thumbs I make up for with guile and cunning,” said the bird. “And I expect you’ve got some clever hexwork stuffed down your drawers that’ll sort out any inconveniences like locks and closed doors and stuck drawers and what have you.”
Monk felt his spirits sink. Really? Just like that? The bird was as bad as Uncle Ralph and Sir Alec and the rest of them, taking his powers of genius for granted.
Although, now that he thought about it …
“Could be I do,” he said slowly. “A variation on something Bibbie came up with once. Just—be quiet a moment while I work it out.”
Amazingly, the bird did as she was asked. What a good thing he always carried a few blank hex matrixes with him wherever he went, on the principle that one never knew when a hex might come in handy. It took him a little under an hour to cobble together what he needed, and then rig up his handkerchief into a nifty sling that Reg could carry into the embassy, laden with the hexes he’d brought with him and the ones he’d just devised.
“So you’re clear on all of that?” he asked the bird, once he’d explained which hex did what. “Or d’you want me to run through it again?”
Jumped from his knee down to the jalopy’s front passenger seat, Reg stopped poking her beak through the differently coloured hexes piled onto his handkerchief and gave him a look. “D’you mind? I’m not a doddling geriatric butler.”
“Reg—” And then Monk bit his tongue. If they got into another argument now they’d probably still be going at it hammer and tongs when the sun came up. “No, of course you’re not. Sorry.” He tied up the corners of the handkerchief, then leaned over to the passenger side of the jalopy and thumped down its window. “There you go. Now for pity’s sake be careful, because you might be more annoying than a pair of trousers full of ants but I bloody well refuse to lose you again.”
Eyes bright, the tricked-up handkerchief with its burden of hexes held firmly in her beak, Reg nodded. “Right,” she said indistinctly. “Now bugger off. I’ll see you back in Chatterly Crescent.”
What? “Reg—”
With a muffled curse, she spat out the handkerchief. “Blimey bloody Charlie, sunshine, must you always quibble? There’s nothing you can do from out here but find a way to bollocks things up, so go home. Do some dusting. You’re always after new experiences, aren’t you? Housework’ll have all the charm of bloody novelty!”
Defeated, Monk sighed. “Fine. I’ll go. Just … don’t hang about, all right? Because the longer you stay in there, the greater the chance of you getting caught.”
“Ha!” she said, and picked up the handkerchief again. “That’ll be the day.”
She hopped up onto the frame of the jalopy’s open window, rattled her tail … and launched herself into the quiet night. Heart thudding, Monk watched until he’d lost her among the shadows, then started the engine and chugged away down the street, towards home.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
“Nothing suspicious about the Blonkken wedding guests? Or any of the embassy staff? Nothing at all?” Disappointed, Monk slumped in his favourite parlour armchair. “Reg, are you sure?”
Perched on the back of the sofa, the bird looked down her beak at him. “And when have you ever known me not to be sure, sunshine?”
He let the horribly loaded question slide right past them, into oblivion. “Never.”
“Then just you put a sock in it and pour me a brandy.”
Dawn was fast approaching. Though he’d not yet been to bed, it was still far too early for brandy. But the bird’s beak was looking especially pointy and anyway, he had a headache, and nothing was better for headaches than a healthy splosh of fermented peaches. It might not kill the pain, but it swiftly made sure you no longer cared that the top of your head was threatening to explode.
He poured them each a drink and they sipped in sour, contemplative silence.
“You know what this means, don’t you?” he said at last, grumpily considering the bottom of his glass. “It means I have to tell Sir Alec I haven’t saved the day for him.”
“You haven’t saved it yet,” said Reg, with a genteel, alcoholic belch. “There’s still time.”
“Not much. And every hour that passes pushes Bibbie and Melissande and Gerald an hour closer to disaster.”
Reg rattled her tail. “That’s a very glass-half-empty way of looking at the world.”
“Actually, my glass is entirely empty,” he said. “Did you want some more brandy?”
“No,” said the bird. “And neither do you. What you want is a bath and some breakfast. The Sir Alecs of this world are best confronted with a clean face and a full belly.”
She was right. Again. Drat her. So he dragged himself upstairs, bathed, shaved, found some fresh clothes, then staggered back downstairs to fortify himself with coffee and porridge. After that, with the sun risen a decent distance above the horizon, he hauled out his crystal ball and gave Sir Alec the bad news.
Sir Alec was unimpressed and said so, at length.
“Well, honestly, sunshine, what did you expect?” said Reg, strutting to and fro across the kitchen table with an irritatingly derisive look in her eye. “You’ve known him a lot longer than I have and I’m not surprised.”
Monk dumped three teaspoons of sugar into his fresh cup of coffee and stirred so hard he nearly slopped half of it over the side.
“I didn’t say I was surprised.”
“Yes, you did,” Reg retorted. “Not five seconds ago. You said, and I quote, That miserable bastard! I don’t believe it!”
Aggrieved all over again, he thumped his fist to the bench beside the sink. “Yes! Precisely! I’m disbelieving, not surprised! Honestly, to hear him talk you’d think I didn’t give a toss about Gerald and Bibbie and Melissande!”
“Well …” Reg stopped strutting and scratched the side of her head. “To be honest, ducky, I think you’re wrong there. Don’t misunderstand me, I wouldn’t trust that sarky bugger as far as I could spit a hedgehog, but in case you weren’t paying attention, your Sir Alec’s not looking too flash. Seems to me you caught him in a bad moment, is all. Prob’ly he’s got a lot of prickly problems on his plate.”
Remembering the pallid cast to Sir Alec’s drawn face, and the shadows of strain beneath the tired, chilly grey eyes, Monk tossed his teaspoon into the sink. “So I’m s’posed to feel sorry for him now?” Picking up his coffee, he retreated to the nearest chair. “D’you think he’s keeping secrets?”
Reg hooted so hard she nearly fell over. “I don’t know, ducky. Do pigeons poop on statues?”
“I mean secrets about Splotze,” he said, glowering. “I mean do you think something’s gone wrong with Gerald’s mission and he’s not telling me because—because—” But a swiftly rising fear wouldn’t let him finish. “Dammit, Reg. I never should’ve let Bibbie set foot out of this house.”
“I don’t see how you could’ve stopped her, short of trussing the girl like a turkey and shoving her head first into a closet,” said Reg. “Now just you stop carrying on, sunshine. If something has gone arse over teakettle in Splotze, you’d know it. What you need to think about is how to fix that clever clogs door-opening hex of yours so that the bloody door stays open, right? Because tail feathers like mine don’t
grow on trees!”
Monk looked at her tail. Thanks to a near-miss on the Blonkken embassy’s second floor, it was now minus three of its extravagantly long brown-and-black feathers.
“Yeah. Right. Sorry about that.”
“As well you should be,” Reg said tartly. “Because I’ll tell you this for nothing, my boy. I won’t be setting so much as a toe inside another embassy if there’s a chance of me flying out of it half-naked!”
He raised his hands in surrender. “I told you, I promise, it won’t happen again. Now, if you don’t mind, I need to brush my teeth then gird my loins to face another day of thaumaturgical adventures in R&D. Can you stay out of trouble until I get home?”
Her offended squawking followed him out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into the bathroom, where he scowled at his reflection while scrubbing his teeth. A tremor of worry shuddered through him as he rinsed his toothbrush.
I hope the wretched bird’s right. I hope nothing’s gone wrong in Splotze.
“I don’t know, Gerald,” said Melissande, fiddling with the end of her ribbon-tied, plaited hair. “You paying official sympathy calls? Really that’s something I should take care of myself.”
Gerald turned away from the window in her guest suite’s bedchamber. “Under normal circumstances, perhaps. But none of this business is normal. Besides, there’s not a lot of point in you visiting the recently afflicted wedding guests, is there? Not when you’ve no hope of telling if any of them have been up to thaumaturgical shenanigans. And please, it’s Algernon, remember?”
“Fine. Then it’s just not done, Algernon,” Melissande persisted. “Any princess worth her tiara doesn’t send a secretary to convey a king’s concern. It might easily be taken as an insult, and what good will that do us?”
“How can anyone be insulted if I explain you’re still abed, recovering?” he said. “This way you’re making a good impression, unwell and still thinking of others, and I’m doing my job. We can’t lose.”
As Melissande shifted in her chair, unconvinced, Bibbie bounced a bit on the edge of the bed. “He’s right, Mel. With everyone recovering from that ghastly State Dinner, and resting up ready for the fireworks this evening, this is an ideal opportunity to run potential suspects to ground. Only …” She frowned. “Even though we’ve sorted through some of them, there are still rather a lot left. Why don’t I—”
Gerald turned on her. “Absolutely not! You are not helping me with anything remotely thaumaturgical. How many times do I have to tell you what Sir Alec said? Do you want to see me clapped in irons when we get back home?”
“Faddle,” said Bibbie, wrinkling her nose. “Clapped in irons. When it comes to exaggeration you’re as bad as Melissande.”
He loved Monk’s sister to distraction, but that didn’t mean there weren’t times he could easily shake her until her bones rattled.
“Call it what you like, Miss Slack, but my decision is final. You’re staying here. I swear, if you so much as poke your nose out of these apartments before I’ve finished investigating I’ll clap you in irons and ship you back to Ottosland on the slowest hot air balloon I can find! It’ll take you so long to get there that by the time you set foot on Ottish soil they’ll be celebrating the turn of the next century!”
Melissande looked at him over her new spectacles. “D’you know, Bibbie, I rather think he means it.”
“Yes, well, I rather think I mean it too!” he said, harassed. “Please, Bibbie, I am begging you. Don’t make my job any harder than it is already.”
She stared at him, her hexed eyes overbright. “Gracious. And there was me thinking I’d been of use at the Servants’ Ball. How silly. What a gel I am.”
Oh, damn. Crossing to the bed, Gerald dropped to one knee and took her hands in his. “I’m sorry. But no matter how brilliant you are, you’re not a trained agent and this is no time to be learning on the fly. It’s too dangerous. Sir Alec won’t risk you, and neither will I.”
“Besides,” said Melissande, breaking the taut silence. “While I might, at a pinch, send my secretary on this kind of errand, I’d never send my lady’s maid. That really would cause a stir.”
Bibbie slid her hands free. “Fine. Far be it from me to contradict Your Royal Highness. While our very special Mister Rowbotham’s off doing his important, manly duty, perhaps there’s a dirty fireplace somewhere I could clean.”
“Leave her,” said Melissande, as Bibbie retreated to the suite’s bathroom. “She’ll come round, eventually.”
Pushing to his feet, Gerald sighed. “I hope so.”
“It’s hard for her,” Melissande added. “She’s easily as talented as Monk, y’know. If life weren’t so unfair, if the world wasn’t so ridiculously prejudiced and shortsighted, she’d be making her own splashes in Research and Development. She might even be a proper government agent.”
The accusing undertone in Melissande’s voice had him folding his arms. “It’s not my fault Sir Alec and the rest can’t see past the fact she’s a gel! I’m following orders, Melissande. What else can I do?”
She smiled at him, gently. “You can at least try to see her as an equal, Mister Rowbotham. And stop protecting her. If Ottosland is in danger, then she has as much right as any man to defend it.”
Melissande was right. Of course she was right. Except …
“If you truly do love her,” said Melissande, eyebrows lifted, her gaze challenging, “there’s no better way for you to show it.”
Bloody woman. She saw too much. He sought distraction in checking his pocket watch.
“It’s nearly past luncheon,” he said, tucking the timepiece back into his vest. “I should go downstairs. It’ll be easier to check on the remaining guests if they’re gathered in one place. After that, I’ll visit whoever wasn’t feeling up to stirring out of his or her chamber.” He glanced at the closed bathroom door. “Make sure she stays here, Melissande. Please. There really will be hell to pay if anything happens.”
Melissande sighed. “I know. Don’t worry, I’ll keep her distracted. Now go on—and good luck.”
Dear Melissande. She was worth twice her weight in tiaras. Relieved, Gerald withdrew.
Whatever else he might be, Crown Prince Hartwig was a generous host. The grand dining hall, scrubbed and perfumed and redecorated after the state dinner debacle, now boasted sideboard after sideboard of aromatic dishes designed to tempt the most cautious of palates. Freshly cut flowers abounded, and a quintet of fine tenors and baritones serenaded every guest who ventured across the silk-draped threshold.
Sidling his unobtrusive way in, Gerald retreated to an empty corner of the chamber and took a moment to consider the Splotze-Borovnik wedding’s potential enemies. There was Ottosland’s bumptious Foreign Minister, Lord Babcock. His pallor a trifle waxen, he was exchanging pleasantries with the Zumana of Fandawandi while helping himself to some crumbed lamb cutlets. Over there, already seated, Jandria’s Minister of Foreign Affairs and his wife were eating roast squab with gusto. Clearly the tainted crab puffs had made no lasting impression on them. The guests from Graff and Blonkken entered the dining room, amiably chatting. Behind them came Aframbigi’s Foreign Minister and his Second Wife. A sideways swipe, that was, leaving the First Wife at home. A petty revenge for a small, unforgotten slight, most likely. Politics. So bloody tedious.
As a handful of impeccably liveried servants carried in more silver platters of food, Gerald half-closed his eyes and focused on his etheretic shield. Its outright lowering was still unwise but perhaps, with his grimoire-enhanced abilities, he could thin it a little. Shade it from opaque to translucent, leaving him just enough obfuscation to remain hidden … but not blind.
As his potentia stirred and he felt its power warm him, like shafts of sunlight through damp cloud. Felt it ripple through his shielding, those shafts of sunlight dispersing mist.
On the other side of the dining room the Jandrian minister’s head lifted, sharply, laden fork arrested halfway to his mouth. Damn. Holdi
ng his breath, Gerald yanked his potentia back inside. The Jandrian minister shook his head, then relaxed.
So. It was going to be a case of trial and error until he had the knack of controlling his new powers. Well, at least he was in no immediate danger of being bored.
Heart thudding, he tried again.
A softer stirring. No more than a hint, a whisper, of power. The Jandrian minister noticed nothing. The rest of the room was undisturbed. Imagining himself a searchlight, Gerald swept the dining room with his shrouded potentia, seeking something, anything, that didn’t feel right. The quintet sang on, joyfully, their music decorating the air.
How odd. I think—-yes, I can taste the ether. It’s sour and thin here, like beer that’s aged well past its prime. Gone threadbare. No wonder this region’s thaumaturgics are so unreliable.
Nasty. A pain throbbed meanly behind his eyes. He tried to blink it away, marvelling anew at the glory of unblinded sight. When the sharp pulse didn’t ease, he did his best to ignore it. Risked eking out a sliver more of his potentia. Still the Jandrian minister remained oblivious. Excellent. Even better, he couldn’t sense anything immediately untoward in the dining room.
Time to start spreading Princess Melissande’s heartfelt good wishes.
After camouflaging himself behind a plate of pickled herring, he descended gormishly upon Lord Babcock, conveniently seated by himself. Despite his pallor, the minister was eagerly tucking into his cutlets and chutney.
“I say, sir,” Gerald said, awkwardly bowing. “What a relief to see you up and about after all that recent unpleasantness. Her Royal Highness, Princess Melissande of New Ottosland, particularly asked me to convey her best wishes to you for a speedy recovery. But it seems you’re already well on the mend. Her Highness will be thrilled to hear it.”
