by Ariel Ellman
“How was school?” she asked softly, pressing her lips to Raffi’s head.
“Okay,” Raffi replied, still staring at Sebastian suspiciously. “What’s in the bag?” Raffi asked, eying the white paper bag in Sebastian’s hand.
“One of your mother’s famous lemon bars,” he replied with a small smile.
“My mother doesn’t make lemon bars,” Raffi countered with a frown. “A customer even asked her to make them once and I heard her tell them that she doesn’t make them.”
“Oh,” Sebastian replied, at an obvious loss for words.
“So how can she be famous for something that she doesn’t make?” Raffi persisted, snatching the bag out of Sebastian’s hand and opening it up.
“Raffi!” Ani scolded, appalled at her daughter’s rude behavior. “Give Sebastian back his bag this minute.”
“It’s okay,” Sebastian said mildly, “you can’t blame her for wanting one of your lemon bars.”
“Stop calling them her lemon bars!” Raffi shouted, ripping open the bag and pulling the offending lemon bar out. “My mother doesn’t make lemon bars,” she whispered, staring down at the yellow powder-sugar-covered square in her hand. “She doesn’t make anything with lemon. Not even cake, not even for birthdays.”
“Oh God, Raffi,” Ani cried, pulling her daughter into her arms as the memory of Raffi’s last birthday overwhelmed her. Raffi had asked her to make her a lemon cake and she’d refused, coaxing her into accepting an orange-frosted pound cake instead.
Sebastian sank down on his heels until he was level with Raffi, and he brushed her hair gently away from her wet eyes.
“Your mother used to make lemon bars for me a long time ago,” he told her in a quiet voice. “And I think she stopped making them because they made her sad.” Raffi stared into Sebastian’s green eyes unblinking, and Sebastian stared back into her deep blue eyes that were a carbon copy of her mother’s. “If she didn’t make you lemon cake, it was probably because she wanted to make you a cake that made her happy, because you make her happy,” Sebastian said gently, straightening up and avoiding Ani’s eyes as he turned to go.
“Wait,” Raffi whispered, and Sebastian heard the rustle of the paper bag as Raffi slid the sticky lemon bar back into the bag and handed it to him. “I’m sorry I took your lemon bar,” she murmured, staring down at the ground.
“It’s okay. Thanks for returning it,” Sebastian replied, lifting Raffi’s chin gently and smiling down at her. “You know I had a brother named Raphael,” Sebastian called over his shoulder as he walked out of the bakery. “You were named after a very special person,” he said softly, pausing at the door and looking back at Ani.
“Sebastian, don’t,” Ani warned, her voice thick with emotion.
“She should know who she was named after, don’t you think?” Sebastian challenged. “You should at least tell her that,” he murmured before walking away.
Sawyer stopped back in the bakery as Ani was locking up.
“My three-thirty canceled,” she told her sister, ruffling Raffi’s hair.
“Want to come over for dinner? I’m making your favorite chicken artichoke lasagna….” Ani offered enticingly.
“I can’t say no to your chicken artichoke lasagna,” Sawyer agreed, slipping an arm around Raffi as she followed her sister to her car. “You’re awfully quiet sweetpea,” she murmured to her niece, raising her eyebrow at her.
Raffi made a face at her aunt in reply and didn’t respond, and Ani shook her head at her sister gently. When they arrived at the brownstone, Raffi disappeared upstairs into her room, and Sawyer and Ani went into the kitchen so Ani could start dinner.
“What’s up with Raffi? Did something happen at the bakery?” Sawyer asked, grabbing a can of lemon seltzer out of the fridge and making herself comfortable on a stool at the kitchen island.
“Sebastian told her she’s named after his brother,” Ani sighed, taking the ingredients out for the lasagna and spreading them across the counter.
“Well it was bound to come out one day,” Sawyer replied wryly, grabbing a cutting board to help her sister chop the celery and onion for the lasagna.
“I guess,” Ani replied, looking unconvinced.
“Do you know what Jordan once told me his greatest wish is?” Sawyer asked her sister softly as she peeled an onion.
“What?” Ani raised her eyebrow at Sawyer as she started to chop the celery.
“He said his greatest wish is to know the meaning of the unspoken words that pass between us,” Sawyer whispered. “He said he wants to know the lyrics to our silent exchanges.”
Ani stared back at her sister at a loss for words.
“Aren’t you tired of all the unspoken words A?” Sawyer asked softly. “Don’t you want to be able to tell your daughter that she was named after someone who was very special to all of us?”
“I don’t know,” Ani admitted. “I’ve gotten so used to keeping it all inside me, I don’t even know how to tell Raffi anything about it all.”
“How about Jordan?” Sawyer murmured, adding her chopped onion to Ani’s pile of celery. “Don’t you think he deserves to finally know why his wife sobbed her heart out when she filled out their daughter’s name on the birth certificate in the hospital? Do you remember when he begged me that night that Raffi was born to tell him what haunts you, and I lied and said it was just hormones? I don’t know about you A, but I’m tired of the all the unspoken words,” Sawyer whispered, putting her knife down and sinking back onto a stool.
“I don’t know what you want me to say Soy,” Ani murmured, turning on the stove to melt the butter in a large saucepan. “I love Jordan, but I told you the night before our wedding that I shouldn’t marry him.”
“I need a glass of wine,” Sawyer sighed, getting up and walking over to the fridge to take a bottle of white wine out.
“I told you that night in your dorm room before the wedding that I shouldn’t marry him,” Ani whispered again. “I knew that I’d never be able to love him the way that he deserved to be loved.”
Ani had been six months pregnant with Raffi when she married Jordan, and she hadn’t wanted to go out for a bachelorette night, so she’d asked for a sister’s night in Sawyer’s dorm room instead. She’d admitted that night that she loved Jordan and wanted to be happy with him, but she also felt that she didn’t deserve the gorgeous brilliant man who at thirty-eight, was already one of the best pediatric neurosurgeons in the country.
They’d met in the kitchen of Jordan’s brownstone. Ani had been catering Jordan’s sister’s baby shower at his house, and Jordan had just come off a double shift at the hospital. He snuck into the kitchen because he was starving and snatched one of Ani’s scones off of the counter. Jordan liked to say that it was love at first bite, and in his speech at their engagement dinner, Jordan said that Ani’s scone melted in his mouth and he looked up and was lost in the most beautiful ocean he’d ever seen. Then the beautiful blue-eyed blond standing before him in the caterer’s apron smacked his hand with her wooden spoon and he knew he was in love.
“You told me that night that you loved Jordan A,” Sawyer interrupted her sister’s memories, passing Ani a glass of wine. “You told me that Jordan made you feel loved and cherished, and that he made love to you so sweetly that your toes curled. You told me that he made you feel alive again, do you remember that A? Because I remember all of it,” Sawyer choked. “I remember what you were like waiting for Bast all those years. I remember the loneliness and the sadness, and I remember the day that Jordan put the light back into your eyes.”
“He made me want to forget about Bast and all the years that I waited for him to come back to me,” Ani admitted. “It broke my heart when Bast chose another nine years in prison over me Soy, it broke my heart like nothing else ever has,” Ani gasped, sinking down onto a kitchen stool.
“I know A, I know,” Sawyer murmured, wrapping her arms around her sister’s shaking shoulders. “That’s why I begged you to let Bast go that night
in my dorm room. That’s why I begged you to let yourself love Jordan and your baby and live again.”
“You’re too young to wither away A,” Ani echoed her sister’s words to her that night. “That’s what you said to me Soy, you’re too young to waste your life waiting for Bast anymore.”
“But you didn’t want to stop waiting did you?” Sawyer asked her sister sadly. “I’ll never forget what you said back to me that night because even though you married Jordan the next day, your words that night still broke my heart.”
“I told you that I didn’t know how to dance in the rain when Bast couldn’t even feel the wind on his face,” Ani wept against her sister’s shoulder.
“And I said that was Bast’s choice. I reminded you that he chose to stay inside away from the wind when he knew that you were outside waiting in it,” Sawyer choked. “Is this mess my fault, A? Did I push you to marry Jordan when you just wanted to be left alone to wait for Bast?”
“Of course not Soy,” Ani whispered, lifting her tear-streaked face up to her sister’s. “You’ve been the one constant in my life who has always looked out for me. You are my best friend, my other half, and I thank God that you didn’t let me wither away and waste the last ten years pining away for Bast like a spinster from a Victorian novel. I wouldn’t have Raffi without these last ten years with Jordan Soy, and could you imagine a world without Raffi in it?”
“No,” Sawyer sniffled. “I just wish there was some way to avoid all the heartbreak that seems to be right around the corner for everyone.”
“Me too,” Ani whispered back, staring off into space. “Me too.”
Jordan texted Ani a minute later, letting her know that his hospital meeting was running late and he wouldn’t be home for dinner. Sawyer re-filled her wine glass and poured one for Ani, and the sisters rose up and finished making the lasagna together.
Ani didn’t see or talk to Sebastian for the rest of the week, and she tiptoed around Jordan at home, purposely falling asleep with Raffi in her bed when she tucked her in at night. When Jordan finally sent her a text from work at the end of the week, asking her if he was ever going to see her again, Ani decided that she couldn’t avoid her husband forever, and she finally slipped back into bed with him that night.
"Hi,” Jordan whispered, rolling over to face Ani when she slipped into bed beside him.
“Hi,” Ani murmured back, staring into his eyes intently.
“You look very serious,” Jordan observed, brushing his lips against Ani’s softly.
“You knew I had issues when you married me,” Ani whispered, her eyes filling with tears as she stared at her husband lying on his side next to her.
“I did,” Jordan agreed quietly.
“I’m a complete mess,” Ani confessed as she choked back a sob.
“I know,” Jordan sighed wearily. “What I don’t know is why. How are we ever supposed to deal with your demons if you won’t talk to me?” he murmured, gazing at Ani with sorrow filled eyes.
“I don’t know what to say,” Ani admitted. “Nothing I can say will fix this Jordan.”
“Tell me what’s broken,” Jordan pleaded, trailing his fingers through the tears that slipped down his wife’s face. “Tell me and I’ll fix it,” he promised, kissing the tears away as they slipped out the corners of Ani’s glittering eyes.
“I don’t want Raffi to get hurt,” Ani choked. “She is everything good that has come from us.”
“She is everything good that has come from us,” Jordan repeated softly, tasting Ani’s words. “I love Raffi more than my life Ani,” Jordan said carefully. “She is my daughter. But she is not everything good that has come from us.” He lifted Ani’s hand to his face and tenderly kissed her fingers. “She is not why I fell in love with you or why I married you,” he said, kissing Ani’s wrist and trailing his lips up the inside of her arm. “Is she the reason that you married me?” Jordan continued to trail his lips up Ani’s arm and across her shoulder.
“No,” Ani admitted, blinking back tears.
“Do you love me?” Jordan asked, rolling Ani onto her back and tracing her collarbone with his lips.
Ani stared up at her husband hovering above her and her heart seized at the sudden realization that she did love him. She’d loved him when she married him and she continued to love him every day that she had stopped waiting for Sebastian.
“Oh my God,” she whispered as Jordan’s lips left her collarbone and continued down her neck and to her breasts. “I stopped waiting. I stopped waiting and I didn’t even know it was time for him to get out.”
“Do you love me?” Jordan asked again, oblivious to the words that his wife had just whispered. “Do you love me?” he asked as he took her nipple in his mouth and trailed his fingers down her body.
“Yes,” Ani wept, opening up her legs to him.
Chapter Six
Ani awoke to a clap of thunder and lightning streaking across the sky, and she rolled out of her husband’s arms to glance at the clock. It was two-thirty in the morning; she must have forgotten to set her alarm. After four years, Jordan had finally grown used to Ani’s baker’s hours and he sleepily kissed her bare shoulder and rolled away from her as she slipped out of bed.
Ani tiptoed into the bathroom, closing the door behind her quietly as she slipped into the Italian-marble-tiled shower. She closed her eyes as the hot water poured over her and she knew that she had to talk to Sebastian. She had to have the conversation that she couldn’t have when she ran out of his apartment almost a week ago. The conversation she couldn’t have when she walked away from him in the bakery kitchen.
Ani sent Sawyer a text asking her if she could handle the bakery on her own for the morning and Sawyer texted back: “Yes, go deal with Sebastian.” Ani didn’t bother to dry her hair when she got out of the shower. She didn’t want to wake Jordan with the noise of the hairdryer and it was pouring outside anyway. She towel-dried it and smoothed lotion over her body, adding a quick swipe of deodorant under her arms and a spray of her everyday perfume. She groped around in the dark bedroom for a pair of underwear and a bra, and grabbed a pair of soft faded jeans and a long-sleeve fitted v-neck t-shirt that clung to the curves of her chest. Ani finished dressing downstairs and grabbed a fisherman sweater and raincoat off of the hook in the mudroom, shoved her feet into her wellies and slipped out the back door.
Rain pelted down on the car as Ani navigated her way through the dark wet streets of her neighborhood and over to South Boston to Sebastian’s apartment. The thunderstorm outside was fierce, the rain fell in sheets and the wind whipped it in every direction, soaking Ani to the skin by the time she made it from her car to Sebastian’s door.
“Ani?” Sebastian murmured, blinking his eyes sleepily as he held the door open for her. His apartment was dark and he’d obviously been sleeping. A flash of lightening streaked through the window and illuminated Sebastian’s silhouette in the doorway. His muscled ink-covered chest was bare and a pair of boxers hung low on his narrow hips.
“What does the rose represent?” Ani breathed, reaching out and trailing a finger across the rose petals that shone against Sebastian’s neck under the flash of lightening.
“Celebrated teenage birthday in prison,” Sebastian whispered back, holding Ani’s gaze.
“And my name tangled in the center of the Claddagh?” Ani choked.
“You know exactly what it means,” Sebastian replied hoarsely.
“I want to see you,” Ani demanded, pushing Sebastian over toward the window and into the light that streamed in from the street.
“You’re soaking wet,” Sebastian murmured, as Ani ran her fingers across his shoulders and down his back.
“What does the church mean?” Ani pressed, ignoring Sebastian’s comment about her soaked state as she trailed her fingers over the fifteen spires on Sebastian’s back and paused at the intricate Celtic cross that topped the center spire, rising above the others.
“You’re shivering,” Sebastian obser
ved softly in concern, ignoring the question.
“What do the spires mean? Why the cross?” Ani demanded, lowering her lips to Sebastian’s back and trailing kisses over each spire.
“The spires represent the years spent in prison,” Sebastian replied, sucking in his breath as Ani’s lips touched his skin.
“And the cross?” Ani persisted, resting her lips against it.
“Sentence served,” Sebastian choked out, pressing his head against the window as Ani continued to trail her lips across his back.
“The bells on your shoulders?” she whispered, running her tongue across his shoulder and the back of his neck from bell to bell.
“Served full sentence, bell call to bell call, no parole,” Sebastian answered hoarsely.
“The setting sun and birds flying above the church?” Ani asked as another streak of lightning flashed across Sebastian’s back.
“Freedom,” Sebastian replied, finally turning around to face Ani who stood shivering and dripping wet in front of him. “You’re going to get sick if you don’t take off your wet clothes.”
“I slept with Jordan last night,” Ani replied, looking sick.
“He is your husband,” Sebastian replied mildly.
“You still want me?” Ani choked out as Sebastian began to peel her dripping layers off of her shaking body.
“I will always want you A,” Sebastian replied hoarsely, throwing Ani’s wet clothes on the floor and scooping her up.
“I came here to talk to you, to try and make sense of everything,” Ani whispered as Sebastian laid her down on his bed and lifted her hands above her head, pinning them down with his arm.
“No more talking,” Sebastian murmured, trailing kisses down Ani’s face and neck. “Now it’s my turn to look and touch. So soft, so sweet,” Sebastian moaned as his lips nibbled their way down Ani’s body. “So beautiful,” he whispered, spreading Ani’s legs and pausing before he slid inside her. “Are you on the pill?” he asked hoarsely, suddenly realizing that he didn’t have a condom.
“With my fertility rate?” Ani choked. “Yes, I get birth control shots.” She pulled Sebastian back against her.
