“Don’t say that,” I whispered.
“Why not?” he asked, sounding genuinely puzzled. “I can tell you are starting to feel the same about me.”
Starting?
“Men watch you constantly, and women, too,” he went on when I remained silent. “You think it is because you are their princess and the most important person in their world. Sometimes that is true, but there are other times when women watch you because they want to emulate your grace and poise, they envy your ability to command any man and take command of any situation. They want to be like you, but you were born to be a queen, and they will never be more than your handmaidens.”
That was ridiculous. Women did not envy me.
The suspicion in my mind must have shown in my eyes. He shook his head, denying my doubt. “Men watch you because you are a force of nature, as beautiful as you are unique. You give them all cool looks of disdain that only make them try harder to please you. One soft look from you would bring a man to his knees. You brought me to my knees, when I vowed this would be no more than a marriage of convenience.”
It wouldn’t make a difference, but I had to know before he knew the truth about me. I blurted out my question before I lost my nerve. “Did I please you?”
“Did I complain?” he asked with a smile, throwing my earlier words back at me. “Other men might suspect there is a sensual lioness beneath your tame exterior, but no other man will taste your fire, my love. No other man will know what it is to burn in your arms. The beautiful lioness is all mine.”
He lifted my hands and put them behind his neck, and then ran his hands down my arms, making me shiver. His eyes were dark sapphires as he looked deep into mine.
“I began to fall in love with you that first day in the garden,” he said. “However, I didn’t realize I was already in love until you gave yourself to me after our wedding, body and soul, every part of yourself into my keeping.”
Ach! I was going to cry again. I blinked several times to chase the hateful tears away, while I tried to absorb everything he had just said. Naturally, my first instinct was to think he was lying. He had to be lying. No one loved me.
The longer I looked into his eyes, the more I suspected it was the truth. He thought I was special. And beautiful.
He was so wrong. This was part of God’s punishment for my lies. He gave me a man so perfect it hurt my heart just to look at him, and then He blinded him to my imperfections.
It was about to end. I would become a victim of my own deceits. It was wrong to let him love me, but no one ever had before. My mind could hardly grasp the possibility. I wanted to enjoy the feelings, just for a moment.
“Let me slay your dragons, Isabel.” He brushed his thumb across my lips. “Tell me what is wrong.”
I was going straight to hell.
The space between us was not enough. I took a step backward, and he let me. He thought our marriage was too good to be true, and he was right. It was. All of the fantasies I had built up around us were a myth. I had to destroy his trust in me and admit that I was never worthy of it in the first place.
The truth would crush every tender feeling he had for me. The marriage was consummated, and he could not escape it. I had to watch his love turn to hatred now, before either of us fell any deeper into my web of lies.
“There is something I must tell you.”
He looked down at me with concern, but remained silent.
This was the moment I had dreaded from the day we met. Faulke was the first person to ever think he might love me. I could not hug that knowledge to me for even a day before I destroyed the illusion.
“Count Otto has a niece,” I said at last, and I suddenly knew exactly what to say, and how I would tell him. The words began to pour out of me. “She was Hartman’s mistress for at least a year before our marriage, and they continued the affair after we were wed.”
He stepped away from me, his gaze wary, that of a man who suspects he is about to be betrayed somehow. I wanted to keep my arms around his neck, to do anything that would hold him to me. It was too late. I took another step backward. The most unlovable woman in the world. There should be a crown for that title.
“As you said yourself,” I went on, “I was still a child at the time of my first marriage, my head filled with chivalric notions of true love. I was blissfully ignorant of the affair. Maria was wed to an old man at the time, and I actually pitied Maria that she didn’t have a handsome young husband like mine.”
My eyes tracked Faulke as he took a step backward as well.
“When…when I delivered my child, Hartman and I were both seriously ill with the mumps. Many people at court died that year, including my babe and Maria’s husband. Still, Hartman and I had a duty to produce an heir for Rheinbaden. Our duty.” I gave a humorless laugh. “It all seemed so important at the time, when so many children had perished during the plague. I did not object when Hartman came to my bed less than a month later, but something in my body had not yet healed.”
His face descended into a scowl of epic proportions. Did he already suspect? I took a steadying breath and tried to hurry through this part of the story without thinking about my emotions at the time. “There was a lot of blood. Hartman was disgusted by the mess I made of us both. He gave me a few months to recover from my injuries, but that’s when the spells that you witnessed began, whenever Hartman sent word that he intended to visit my bed.”
Faulke had gone very still. There was no emotion at all in his face now, but his gaze went to the floor, as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. Whatever I had expected from him, this awful silence wasn’t it.
“At first, the strange attacks baffled Hartman,” I went on. “He knew something was wrong and left me alone, but eventually he said we could wait no longer and we would both have to suffer through the ordeal to fulfill our duty to Rheinbaden. I agreed, of course, but Hartman could no longer disguise how repulsive he found me, and that only seemed to make the spells worse. And then I learned that Maria was pregnant again.
“The affair between Maria and Hartman had never stopped. Maria had given birth after her husband’s death, just a few months after the birth of my child, except her son lived. She birthed three more children over the next few years. All four are Hartman’s bastards.”
I watched Faulke closely, expecting pity, and then anger. He continued to stare at the floor as if he found something of great interest there. And then I noticed his whitened knuckles, how his hands clenched and unclenched at his sides, as if he wanted to both strangle and hit someone at the same time. I knew who that someone would be and I took a prudent step backward.
“The physicians think something happened to me during the birth,” I said, just babbling now to fill in the growing silence. “I think it was afterward, the first time Hartman came to my bed and made me bleed. I think he broke something inside of me. I never felt the same again.”
Ach. Faulke’s face looked like it was made of stone. His hands were the only parts of him that weren’t unnaturally still, and their reflexive movement worried me. Finally, I could stand the silence no longer.
“I didn’t know if my body could even respond to a man until now. You fixed that part of me.” I reached toward him as I whispered the only thing that gave me hope. “Isn’t it possible you fixed all of me?”
His voice was low with warning. “Do not touch me.”
My hand dropped to my side. Hope fell beneath my feet.
At last he looked up. I had already seen him angry, the day I asked if he intended to murder me. I would not dare give voice to that question right now. The Faulke I knew was barely recognizable in the face of the man who glared at me. I almost wished he would stare at the floor again. What I saw in his eyes was an enraged beast. His lips barely moved when he spoke. “Finish your story.”
“I—I did not want to deceive you,” I said.
“My father gave me no choice. I am very sorry I did not tell you everything before we wed. I—I hope you can find it in your heart to someday forgive me.”
The longer he stared at me, the more his face began to change. The fire in his eyes slowly faded into…confusion? “That’s all you have to say?”
That wasn’t enough? No, of course it wasn’t. I clasped my hands together in front of me. “My feelings for you are real. They were never part of any deception. Whatever you think of me now, I swear to you, I am truly sorry.”
The silence stretched between us. He seemed to be waiting for something more, but I wasn’t sure what to do or say. It would not take much for him to see begging and pleading. Not that I thought they would buy his forgiveness. I only wished I knew if anything would.
“We are done,” Faulke said at last. His eyes narrowed as he made a cutting motion with his hand. I watched in stunned silence as he turned on his heel and walked toward the door.
“The king has summoned us both,” I reminded him, even as the finality of his words cut through me. “He will expect us both to appear. I cannot predict how he will interpret your absence.”
I hadn’t meant it as a threat, but my words certainly sounded like one. He glanced over his shoulder at me. The anger in his eyes was hot enough to burn through my tattered heart. “You dare to—”
He pressed his lips together. His whole body radiated anger. A noise came from his chest that sounded like a deep growl, and then he left me without another word.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Revelations
Gretchen and Hilda arrived in my bedchamber an hour later to find me dry eyed and seemingly calm. I hadn’t cried at all while I waited for them. I was too cold and numb inside to feel anything. Not that the numbness had quieted my memory. I had plenty of time to reflect on what had just happened. The more I thought it through, and the more I thought about Faulke’s reaction, the more something seemed off. He’d been angry, that much was evident when he shouted at me, but he hadn’t asked many questions. Then he’d simply left.
“You sent for us, Princess?” Hilda asked as I stared out the window.
I nodded and fiddled with the tie to my robe, wondering what to tell them.
“Gerhardt is in the solar,” Hilda went on. “Lord Faulke found him in the great hall and said that you are to be made ready for an audience with the king this afternoon. He also had Gerhardt and Sir Crispin sign as witnesses to Lord Faulke’s word that your marriage was consummated. Is the summons why he looks so angry?”
I shook my head, unwilling and probably unable to explain without breaking into tears. “We received news that a messenger arrived from Rheinbaden. King Rudolph has died, and Albert is now king.”
“God bless the king,” they both murmured as they made the sign of the cross.
I gave them a few moments to absorb the news before I continued. “Lord Faulke and I have been summoned to the Tower. We are to appear at the gates no later than the afternoon changing of the guard.”
“King Edward wants to discuss the news from Rheinbaden?” Hilda guessed.
I gave her a nod. “Count Otto leads the contingent from Rheinbaden that should arrive within a few days, and my father will grant him an audience. He wants Faulke and me at that audience as well.”
“What is that foul creature doing in England?” Hilda demanded.
“He is here to make trouble,” Gretchen predicted.
I released a long sigh and wished I could be more like Hilda. “Count Otto has caused trouble already.”
Hilda and Gretchen exchanged a look. Hilda guessed the truth. “You told Lord Faulke about Lady Maria?”
I could only nod.
“That is why he was so angry.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded to confirm Hilda’s suspicion.
“Will the Segraves leave us now?” Gretchen asked, her face suddenly stricken. I gave her a sharp look. “Forgive me, Princess. I did not mean to distress you further. It’s just that…Well, it’s Richard…”
It was impossible for anyone to distress me further, but it was still possible to surprise me. “Richard Segrave?”
Gretchen nodded, even as her face turned bright pink. She lowered her head and murmured, “He has been very attentive since the Segraves first arrived. He is…interested in me.”
I looked at Hilda, who seemed to find something of great interest on the ceiling. Whatever had happened between Gretchen and Richard, Hilda knew about it.
“Are you interested in him?” My tone was sharper than I had intended, but she gave me a miserable nod. I stared at her, shocked. After all of these years spent mourning Engel, Gretchen had finally found another man she might come to love.
And I had ruined it for her already.
Gretchen twisted her hands in her skirts, her eyes very blue with unshed tears. “I tried to resist him, truly, my lady.”
“This romance happened the few times you were together? With others in attendance?” I demanded.
“We were alone sometimes,” Gretchen said. “Although we were most often with others, such as in the gardens or at the wedding feasts.”
“My romance with Faulke was rushed,” I said, “and that was a betrothal, sanctioned by the king. How did Richard manage to win your affections so quickly?”
Hilda still wouldn’t meet my gaze. Gretchen looked embarrassed. “Richard is very…persuasive when he wants something, and he has decided he wants me.”
“Aye, I know just how persuasive the Segraves can be.” I rubbed my forehead, wondering if I should have anticipated this development. Regardless, it seemed an almost welcome distraction from my own worries. “How do you even communicate? Does he speak German?”
“Nay,” Gretchen admitted, “but I speak and understand more French than I’ve let on. We…manage.”
I thought of Albert’s edict. “Has he spoken of marriage?”
“Aye, we have sworn to each other,” she admitted.
That news made even Hilda’s eyes widen, and her attention turned from the ceiling as she joined me in staring at Gretchen. If it was true, Gretchen and Richard had handfasted, a union that was as legal and binding as any rites performed before a priest. I hadn’t thought she could astonish me further. “What would make you do such a thing?”
“I have decided I want him, too.” Gretchen lifted her chin. “Richard intends to speak with Gerhardt when the time is right,” Gretchen continued, and then her breath caught on a small sob. “At least, that was his intent, to wait a few weeks after your wedding to negotiate our betrothal. Now…now I don’t know what he will do.”
Gretchen lowered her head and began to cry. I could not bring myself to feel sorry for her. I was still too numb. Perhaps I would find some sympathy for Gretchen’s situation tomorrow or the next day, but today I had used up all my pity on myself. “Did Lord Faulke return to the solar with Gerhardt?”
“No, Princess,” Hilda answered, with a small frown for Gretchen. “Reginald is in the solar. He told us that Lord Faulke went to gather his men and he intended to ride out for his father’s townhouse.”
“Oh.” He had left me already. I wondered if he would dare to defy the king’s summons and refuse to go to the Tower. I almost hoped he would. I was not yet ready to face him again. “Send Reginald for Lord Dante. Tell him to send my apologies for disturbing Chiavari, but it is urgent that I speak with him.”
Hilda curtseyed and left to deliver the message. That left me with a softly sobbing Gretchen.
“I don’t know if there is any possibility of salvaging your relationship with Richard Segrave,” I told her truthfully, which only made her cry harder. “I can do nothing about it until I return from the Tower, and even then I have no idea what will happen with my own marriage, much less yours. I suspect Faulke will soon return to Wales, and I will not be going with him.”
Gretchen looked stricken. “I would have to go to Wales by myself?”
“I have my doubts that Gerhardt would approve the match,” I said, deciding to keep the news of Rheinbaden to myself for now. “Even if there were none of these problems between Faulke and myself, I have no doubt he will forbid the union if it means you must strike off on your own with a man he barely knows. However, you are a grown woman. You do not need your brother’s permission to follow the man you handfasted. If Richard asks you to go to Wales with him, prepare yourself to make a difficult choice: your family and everyone familiar to you, or your new husband.”
Gretchen lifted her chin and dabbed away the last of her delicate tears with the sleeve of her gown. Her nose wasn’t even red. “If Richard still wants me, I will choose happiness.”
Hilda returned and I tried to dismiss Gretchen’s distress. I would deal with her troubles later. There were other problems that were more pressing at the moment.
“Help me sort through my wardrobe and jewels,” I told both women. “I do not want to appear before the king or my husband as a Rheinbaden princess.”
Hilda pushed up her sleeves and Gretchen dried the last of her tears, and then we began opening trunks.
The remainder of the day was a blur of numbness amid a flurry of activity. I sent Chiavari to the Tower, trusting that he or Mordecai would know someone who could open my mother’s wardrobe. She had been tall like me, and I had little doubt there would be something among her clothing that would make me look suitably English. I just hoped my father would not mind me borrowing her clothes.
After my bath, Chiavari returned with two trunks filled with garments to choose from and a chest of jewels, claiming Mordecai had foreseen the situation, and had already obtained the king’s permission for me to borrow my mother’s things. For once, I was glad of Mordecai’s strangeness. My ladies spent the rest of the day making certain I looked just as regal as the queen who had once worn my borrowed garments.
The Princess Page 21
