Roy watched me and I fought to keep the worry off my face as I stared back. “It’s a good thing,” he finally said, looking down at his feet. “It was good I had you last night.”
I felt a swell of guilt at wanting to push him out of my life. I sighed and gave his arm a pat. “I have to get back to work. Okay?”
He looked back up at me with eyes that had turned puppy soft. “Will you be over tonight?”
I looked down at my hands. “I’m runnin’ on no sleep, Roy. I think I need to stay home.”
I glanced back up at him when he didn’t immediately reply. He looked hurt and it made me feel bad, but I willed myself not to give in.
“Okay,” he finally said. “Thanks for the breakfast.”
I gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand again. “You’re welcome.”
He kissed me on the cheek, hovering there a bit too long and my back stiffened. I gave him another fleeting smile and turned back to the diner. I saw Grant sitting behind the glass out of the corner of my eye and wondered what he was thinking. I kicked myself again as I got to the back door. I needed a cigarette. I wouldn’t do that though. Not at work. I did shut myself in the back room for a five-minute break though. I felt like I deserved that.
While I was back there, I thought of the lie I’d told Roy. I should tell Becky about it in case Roy asks around. I knew he probably would. I sighed, wondering what I was going to tell Becky. She’d want to know. One sniff that I was out with someone, and she’d be at me for details. She was always picking on me for not wanting anything to do with romance. As much as I loved her, I didn’t know if I entirely trusted her. She and Roy didn’t run in the same circles, and although she’d heard stories I was sure, I didn’t think she really knew how bad he was. While she wasn’t mean spirited, she knew enough about other people that it was clear she listened… and talked. I rubbed at my head, feeling like I’d gotten myself into a pickle. Then a thought occurred to me. Grant would probably be leaving soon, I reminded myself. That would fix the problem. Though it was a relief, my heart sank at the thought. What had I thought, that we were going to get married and have babies? It was a chance encounter, we’d had fun last night, and that was it. Grant would leave, taking his fun with him, but at least he wouldn’t get tangled up with Roy.
Roy.
Roy and I had met one fateful night when he was looking for his sister. Rayburne’s a small town, so I’d seen him around, but I hadn’t had much contact with him as I was still a shut-in thanks to Chad. One night he showed up at the diner right before closing and shouted above the din, “Anyone seen my sister?” No one had and he’d broken down right there, put his face in his hands, and cried. I can’t stand it when people cry. I’ll do just about anything to make it stop.
So I did my best to comfort him and as soon as my shift ended, I took off with him to go find her. Once we were away from the diner, he told me his sister was an addict and she’d been missing for two days. He and his mom were worried that she’d overdosed. I couldn’t help aching for them. I’d gone through the same agony with my mom so many times. I knew what it was like and how lonely it was being someone’s lifeline all the time. I searched with him through the night and finally had the idea to check under an overpass that was just outside of town. We found her there, wrapped in a blanket from head to toe, unconscious.
I was off the next day, so I had helped Roy take care of Katie. It was obvious he loved his sister, and I couldn’t help but soften toward him. He had a reputation for being a gavoon, but I saw a different side of him as he patiently cared for his sister. Once he started visiting me at the diner, I got to know yet another side of him. He had a real don’t-give-a-shit attitude. It was amusing. At first. Then he really proved his worth when he barked at a guy for hitting on me.
We were at the pool hall, my first real night out in Rayburne despite having lived there for a couple years at that point. Even though I was lonely, I still had a hard time around people because of what Chad had done to me. Well, some man from out of town had hit on me. Normally I can hold my own, but this guy just wouldn’t quit. Roy had come out of the bathroom, saw what was going down, and just tore into the guy, yelled him right out of the pool hall. From then on, Roy was my “guard dog” who kept men away from me. I drew a careful line to let Roy know I wasn’t available, I even told him about Chad, but I let him have some public claim over me to keep other men away. It was an unspoken arrangement that seemed to suit us both and a welcomed service, until he started going too far.
Eventually, any man who looked at me just a second too long got lip service from Roy. And as things escalated, his threats turned physical. I’d seen him get in fights over stupid shit before, so I knew he would deliver on his words.
By the time I realized it was a problem, I was in too deep. I’d gotten used to having somewhere to go after work. I got used to having something of a friend. We were regulars at the pool hall and Roy dropped in at the diner every few days to say hello. Hell, I even spent holidays with them since I had nowhere to go. The Harpers turned into some kind of family to me, like weird second cousins who happened to live right down the road.
I knew the real problem was booze, Roy’s drug of choice. If he wasn’t drinking, he was still an ass, but a manageable one. But as Katie’s issues deepened, Roy grew more and more desperate, and soon he was drunk more often than not. There were nights where he’d come into the diner totally wasted, professing his love for me. Other times he got in brawls down at the pool hall and I had to go over there to calm him down. I took care of him because I knew without him, Katie was toast. And I couldn’t stand that. I’m sure some shrink would tell me it was because I felt guilty I left my mom back in Brooklyn, but whatever the reason, I couldn’t let Katie succumb to the fate of an addict. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get something out of it. Helping them gave me a break from my own problems and demons.
But now, I was sliding into a downward spiral with Roy, and I had no idea how to fix things. I was trapped.
I dug at the exposed particle board along the edge of the countertop with my thumbnail. No one had bothered to finish the space by putting the Formica along the side. A pile of cigarette butts burst out of an old drinking glass that had been broken in half a long time ago. It’d been here since I first started working. In that same spot. I’d never seen it completely free of cigarette butts. I suddenly felt like I needed out of this small town, far away from it and Roy. I wished I was back in New York. If I’d met Grant there…
I groaned at myself and straightened. It was time to go back to work and stop being such a sleep-deprived nutcase. I trudged down the hall and leaned out to take stock of the front room.
“You take a nap?” Pam snapped at me.
Instead of processing a sassy remark, my mind could only focus on one thing; the empty chair by the window. The chair Grant had been sitting in. He’d left without so much as a glance in my direction. That was good though, right? I didn’t want people thinking there was something going on between us. I didn’t need any more drama. And I mean… there wasn’t anything going on between us. It was a chance encounter of fun and that was it. I got back to work, trying to ignore the disappointment that clung to me like cob webs.
Chapter 5
On my day off, I lay in bed looking at the ceiling because I could. I was feeling guilty that I hadn’t gotten up and gone to check on Roy, but something inside me was shifting. Spending time with Grant made me realize something. I hadn’t had that much fun in a long time. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t true, but having the drama with Roy right afterward had really hit it home for me. It wasn’t going to end. It was always something with him. I had to make a clean cut with him and his family. I loved them, but it was too much for me. They took too much. And I was determined to keep my head above water. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
While it was easy to blame Roy, because I knew he’d been causing these problems for years now. It was hard to think of the other re
ason why my insides were turning dark. I wasn’t as happy here as I’d thought. I was good at my job and I had a place here amongst people who needed me, who looked forward to seeing me, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t see myself waiting tables in a small town for the rest of my life. It was predictable and safe, but it was boring as hell.
There was nothing here for me. Not unless I learned how to read. I wanted to learn, but I couldn’t. I’d tried several times. I’d get these grand ideas that I would teach myself at the library, then try to go to school, but it only ended in tears. I hadn’t tried in a long time because I hated crying and I hated failure.
Reading affected so much of my life. Just last night, I’d sang and played to Becky’s kids instead of telling them a bedtime story. That’s how it started, playing for them. While it got me singing again after Chad had tarnished my life, it had happened because I couldn’t deliver. They’d wanted me to read them a story and instead I’d had to scramble to find a way out of that. And so I offered my voice up to Kyle and Em and they were captivated. The next time, I’d brought my guitar. When they asked for a story, I simply sang them one. They knew the drill now, and they still loved it.
I was blessed with a good voice. No, it was better than that. My Grandma Ro had told me I had the voice of an angel when she was still speaking. Even as a small child, I knew I had something special the way her eyes lit up when I would sing for her. The adoration from Sam had been the cinching piece in confirming that. He wasn’t one to easily give respect or love, and I had him wrapped right around my finger. Of course, I was wrapped around his, too.
What would Sam have thought of Grant? It was hard to think about and made me feel a pang of bitter regret. In the five years that I’d lived in Rayburne, I hadn’t met anyone who was as much fun to be around as Grant. It was more than just fun. Sam was fun to be around. All the time. I loved Sam. Grant, on the other hand, made me feel something that I hadn’t felt before. He had made my heart do flip flops and my cheeks flush. He made me want to… reach out and kiss him.
I couldn’t get him off my mind. It was driving me nuts. What were the odds I was going to meet someone who made me feel the same way again? I didn’t want to think about that. I consoled myself that it was just a crush and would fade in time. I’d experienced them before, but it hadn’t been like this. I was never one to get my head in the clouds over a guy… so much so that I’d actually almost kissed him on a whim. I groaned at myself. Stop thinking about him! He’s gone!
He was gone. Not only had he left the diner that morning Roy had come by, but he hadn’t come back at all since. I had hoped he’d stop by for dinner that night as I closed, but he hadn’t. The next morning, some part of me was absolutely sure he’d be there for breakfast. The pessimist in me had taken over my mindset, assuring the first part of me that he wouldn’t show. The second half had won as his chair sat empty. Work had dragged by all day long, feeling tedious and boring. Not even my favorites could cheer me up. At least I’d had time with the kids and Becky. That helped. But even there, Grant’s gray eyes had followed me.
I wondered if he’d stayed away because of Roy showing up. Then I thought… why would that matter? Grant and I had only just met. It’s not like we were together or anything. We hadn’t made any overly romantic gestures toward each other, besides him paying for dinner. He’d probably left town, and there I was, heartbroken because he hadn’t said goodbye. Why had I expected him to? I cursed at myself as I realized my thoughts had again turned to Grant. I was being childish. And even if he had said goodbye, or shown me more attention, it would have been bad because it would have been at the diner in front of everyone. That would have only given me more trouble to deal with.
I pushed my quilt off and went to go get a shower. If I stayed in bed much longer, I’d probably pull out all my hair.
* * * *
I hopped on my bike and pedaled to the library, the sun warming my skin. Someone had dropped my bike off at the diner yesterday, with a brand new front wheel. I still hadn’t figured out who had done it. That had warmed me the most. Things like that happened, especially when I was at my lowest. An anonymous person would help me out, paving over some of the shit Roy or his family had put me through. It had only happened a few times, but each time it did, it gave me a renewed sense of hope and endeared me to the town. Even if things were a bit boring, at least it took care of me. Sometimes.
It was nice to be in jeans and a tank top instead of my dress. I took my time, knowing I had a long day ahead of me. When I got there, only the librarian’s car was in the parking lot. We had a tiny library, and it wasn’t exactly the local hotspot.
I leaned my bike up against the wall and went inside. Miss Viola pursed her lips and looked away when she saw me enter. She assumed I was a harlot. I didn’t bother to correct her. The explanation that I would have to tell her to attempt to correct her opinion would affect me much more if it got out than her thinking I was a whore. I greeted her all the same, reminding myself that she was simply a woman with high principles and it had nothing to do with me. I walked to the back along the last row of stacks like I did every time I came in. I looked over the books, letting my fingers brush their surfaces, wishing I could open them up and discover what was inside.
I came to the dilapidated wooden staircase at the end of the stacks and walked up it. Even my small frame was enough to make the steps bow and creak. The room I entered was the size of a large closet and dark with a shelf of plastic boxes that held what I wanted. I selected the one I’d been listening to, that I’d listened to several times already. The Black Stallion. I’d listened to every book on tape the library had, but I did have a particular fondness for the story about the boy from my hometown and his Black, even though it was a tad childish.
I put the cassette tape in the player and pushed down the lid. I hit play. It picked up exactly where I’d left off last time. They always did that. Not once had my place been interrupted by someone borrowing a book I was listening to, nor had I ever seen anyone browsing them. This was my alone time. My time to escape. I listened for a while, tracing lines on the wooden desk in front of me with my fingers. Soon my head was resting on my arm. Then I pulled out my ponytail, looping the rubber band on my wrist as I rubbed my curls around on my head to get the tightness out. My hair was dry, thanks to the having enough time to dry it that morning, so it made no damp spot down my back. Instead, it was like a warm blanket draped over my shoulders, back and arm. At some point, the words in my ears blurred into a soothing lull that pulled me into the comforting darkness of sleep.
* * * *
Someone was trying to wake me up, but they were calling me Rachel instead of Ana Marie. I really didn’t feel like waking up. I tried to say stop, but it came out in a grumble. I heard ‘Rachel’ again, in a voice that made my fuzzy mind reevaluate its ambition. My eyes opened a little wider, and I instantly recognized Grant. I smiled. He probably wanted coffee. I wondered what he looked like without a shirt on and that made me smile more.
“Hey,” I said as I sat up and rubbed my eyes.
“Hey,” he answered. His voice was low, a touch surprised. His eyes were looking right into mine, though there was something a little… guarded about them. His mouth turned up in a small smile.
I inhaled as I felt the lights coming back on in my mind. Then confusion dawned on me. I was in the library. Grant was in the library. And I’d just tried to picture him with his shirt off.
“What are you doing here?” My smile faded as I pulled the headphones off and set them aside. It was a little weird, being here like this with him, on equal terms. I tugged at my tank top, then quickly pulled my hair into a sloppy bun.
His expression didn’t change and he answered simply, “Looking for you.”
His answer was direct and honest, and I realized I didn’t mind. I couldn’t even pretend that I did. On the contrary, I liked it. But I was hurt that he’d stayed away without so much as an explanation. “Well, you found me. Now what?
” I held his gaze.
His smile grew at my cool expression. He looked away, examining the tape recorder in front of me. He was sitting so close I could smell his aftershave and it reminded me of the inside of his truck. “Well… I was just wondering if you wanted… to go do something… with me.”
This was more than the casual suggestion that we go get something to eat out of desperation. He was asking me out. Excitement bubbled up inside me, but I kept my cool. I thought about the past couple days of mental torture and that calmed me right down. I didn’t need any more shit in my life that could make me go neurotic. I hesitated, trying to figure out what direction to go in. I wondered if I had been right about him being upset about Roy. “I haven’t seen you around much. I wondered if you’d left.”
His eyes flicked to mine and then looked back down at his hands. His finger wandered over to the tape recorder and ran along the buttons. I imagined him doing that to my skin and something hot pulled down behind my belly button. The room suddenly felt too small, and my cheeks were instantly filled with heat. I didn’t even have time to feel self-conscious. My mind reeled at the sensation and the image that had run through my head.
“Nope. Still here.”
His words brought me back to the present. They also left me disappointed. He was going to make me spell it out. I didn’t move a muscle. “The thought crossed my mind that maybe… you were upset with me.” I wondered if I’d assumed too much and was making myself look like an idiot, but I didn’t let that show. I simply watched him.
Call Me Ana: A Novel Page 5
