Call Me Ana: A Novel

by Bonnet,Scarlet

  So I sang it in the shower that morning, particularly loud. I sang it as I imagined the violins playing along with my fingerpicking, making my voice go all obnoxious as I belted it out. I hoped somehow, Sam felt me doing it. And I imagined where he’d add his voice. He’d tolerate the song he’d heard a million times to join in if he knew it would make me laugh.

  * * * *

  Work had gone by so slowly, but at least it was better than Wednesday. Wednesday I’d had Grant on my mind, but I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. Today, however, I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t stop thinking of the night before, the day before. I couldn’t get those gray eyes out of my head. The cheer lasted all day as I chatted with regulars and kept the diner running smoothly.

  And now I was home, singing a new song from the radio, strumming along, still thinking about Grant. I smiled as I sang the chorus, thinking about the way he looked at me and the way it made my heart do somersaults in my chest. It was a love song.

  I was almost to the end of it, happy that I’d perfected it so quickly because it was a tough song, when someone knocked on my door. It was late. My first thought was that maybe it was Grant. I bit at my cheek, trying to keep my smile contained. I set my guitar aside and jumped up, trotting over to the door. I steadied myself for a second, taking a deep breath to try to get my heart back to normal. Then I opened the door.

  Roy’s face greeted me, and my cheer evaporated.

  He looked down right away at my response. He knew I didn’t like it when he came over to my place. I’d forbidden it. That was partly because of Chad, but it was also because Roy stepped over the line sometimes. But I knew there was a lot of stuff going on with Katie still and it’s not like I had a phone.

  “What are you doing here, Roy?” I asked, my voice soft, but firm.

  He looked back up at me. “I just… need you, Rachel.”

  I stood there, wondering what to do. It was late and I had to work in the morning. At least I didn’t have to open, but still.

  He was looking back down at his feet, not trying to get in, just standing there at my front door. “I think… I want to do something stupid.”

  I knew he was implying he wanted to do something about Stevie and Katie. But I also knew that if he really wanted to do something, he wouldn’t be at my place. Still. There was the chance that he was coming here asking for help. I wasn’t about to let him into my apartment though. I didn’t want that habit starting up.

  I sighed. “Wait here.” I shut the door on him.

  I went back to my room and got changed into jeans and a T-shirt. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, grabbed my bag and slung it over me. When I opened the door again, Roy was standing in the same spot, a small smile on his face. He was legitimately grateful, and it warmed me up to him. This was how he always got me. He appreciated having me in his life and it made me feel like I belonged somewhere.

  He turned and started down the steps.

  “Where we going?” I asked.

  “Could we go to the pool hall?”

  I hesitated as I plunked down the stairs. The pool hall was one of those places he liked to go to show me off. I wasn’t going to allow that anymore. Not only because I’d resolved that I wasn’t playing that game with him, but because of Grant. I couldn’t even pretend. It wasn’t right.

  I stopped on the last stair. “I don’t think we should go to the pool hall.”

  Roy turned back around, his eyes turning sour. “Why not?”

  “You know why. I’m not with you, and you act like I am every time we go there.”

  He stared at me, anger lighting his eyes before he managed to clamp down on it. “I just want to play some pool, and I want you with me.”

  I eyed him, doubtful. “I was serious when I told you those things about us not being together.”

  He looked away as he let out a huff of air through his nose. “I know,” he finally said.

  I studied him for a second, wondering if I could trust that he meant it. I thought about how much shit he’d been through the last week and felt myself caving.

  “I’ll go with you if you promise not to act like we’re together.” I regretted the words as soon as I said them.

  Instead of getting excited, his expression didn’t change. “Fine,” he mumbled as he squinted off in the distance.

  Ah, shit. “Roy, I mean it.”

  “I said fine,” he said to me as he threw his arms in the air.

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Roy Harper. I’m serious. I’ll go back upstairs and you can just go by yourself.”

  “God dammit, Rachel, what do you want me to say?” His dark eyes were frustrated.

  “I want you to act like you mean it and stop acting like a child! I know you and when you get like this, you don’t mean one thing that comes out your mouth and I’m serious.”

  He stared at me, anger burning in his eyes.

  I squared my shoulders and stared back.

  He broke our staring contest first, looking back the other way. “I won’t… act like we’re together,” he said, like he hated saying the words. Instead of anger, I heard more annoyance.

  I bit at my cheek. “No kissing me or pulling me on your lap…”

  He rolled his eyes and huffed out a breath of air. “No, okay? I said I won’t do that shit.” He kicked at the ground.

  “And,” I paused, knowing what I was about to ask of him. “No getting in fights with other guys.”

  His eyes flashed to mine, back to sizzling.

  I set my jaw as I stared back, though my insides felt like jelly. Every time I thought about the way he got around other men, it made me so anxious. “I mean it, Roy.”

  He tore his eyes from me. “You know I don’t like it when they look at you that way.”

  “You let them look at me any way they want to, Roy Harper. I’m not yours, and I can handle myself just fine.” I knew about ninety percent of the time, it was all in his head.

  Roy was grinding his teeth. “Fine.”

  “You look at me and say it.”

  He turned his head slowly, his eyes on fire. “I said fine.”

  A chill ran down my spine. What the hell am I doing? He’s obviously not going to listen. I shook my head and looked at the ground.

  “Well, are we goin’ or what?”

  The stretch of silence was so long that a lone cricket began to chirp.

  “I don’t think so, Roy.” The words came out of my mouth, surprising me. I kept it from my face as I looked up at him with the resolve I felt in my heart.

  He stood there, slack jawed. “Are you shittin’ me? After I just told you everything you wanted me to?”

  “Well, you obviously don’t mean it!” I yelled at him as my anger flared up. That pissed me off even more. I didn’t need this. I turned on my heel and started back up the stairs.

  Roy’s hand caught mine. “Baby, wait.”

  A step higher than him, I ripped my hand from his as I turned and rammed my finger in his face, making him go cross eyed. “Don’t call me baby! I am not your god damned baby!”

  He stepped back, putting both hands on the back of his head as he looked to the ground. He took a big breath and let it out, then looked up, his eyes all soft. “Look, Rachel. I just need someone right now. Okay? I just need you is all.”

  I let my head fall back as I sighed, wishing someone would just shoot me. When I looked at him again, he was back to looking at the ground, dejected. “I can’t keep doing this.”

  He looked up, his eyes wide with pleading. “Rachel, I promise I’ll be good. I promise. Just please.”

  I should just sprint for the door…

  He dropped to his knees and hugged my legs like a big kid. “Please, Rachel. Please, please, please.”

  “Shit.” It came out as a sigh. “Get off the ground.”

  He hugged my legs tighter, and I had to grab the banister so I didn’t fall over. It tugged a smirk out of me, lightening the mood considerably.

&nb
sp; “No.” He mumbled it, exaggerating the sorrow in his voice. “I’m staying right here. Like this.”

  “Roy…” I tried to wiggle my legs, and he didn’t move an inch.

  He somehow managed to squeeze even harder.

  “Okay, I’ll go!” I finally said.

  He got up then, smiling, his eyes excited. “You will?”

  “You have to promise one more time…”

  Something in his eyes fell, but he said, “I promise.”

  I took a deep breath. “Okay.” I eyed him. “You know I care about you, but I’m just your friend.”

  He looked down and kicked at a rock. “I know.”

  “Okay.” I rubbed at my head as I tried to convince myself I wasn’t making a mistake. “Okay, let’s go.”

  * * * *

  The only men who dared to greet me were older. The ones about my age wouldn’t even look at me. In the beginning, the coolness that Roy inspired from other men was a relief. But it eventually got out of hand.

  Roy strutted in past me, his chin raised. I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back behind me.

  “What the hell?” he asked, his feathers all ruffled.

  “You stop that shit, Roy.” The pool hall was filled with smoke and made me want a cigarette.

  “What the hell are you even talking about?” He was looking at me like I was some crazy woman. It only pissed me off more.

  People were eyeing us now, but I didn’t care. “You know what I’m talking about. You start acting like a dick and I’m going home. Understand?”

  He put both his hands out, palms up, like I was attacking him for no reason. I rolled my eyes and walked toward the back to go get a table. Roy soon fell into step behind me.

  We edged up to the counter where Tony was standing, and I pulled out a couple bills. He turned from the conversation he was having with one of the regulars and smiled at us. “Hey, y’all. Rachel. It’s good seeing you back here, girl.” He was smiling at me extra big, like maybe he caught the whole thing at the door.

  I gave him a forced smile. “Thanks, Tony.” I pushed my bills closer.

  “Don’t bother,” he said, waving me off. He took Roy’s money. “You, on the other hand…” He chastised Roy with his eyes. “You owe me, man.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Roy said, a shadow of a grin on his lips.

  I rolled my eyes. Roy was proud of himself for causing a ruckus. I didn’t find it funny and it annoyed me that Tony was only egging Roy on. Sometimes I wondered if Tony liked the drama. I think it did his business good to have a certain reputation. It gave the gossips their daily fix.

  I took the box of balls Tony put on the counter and went to find a table. I didn’t wait for Roy to catch up. The feeling that I’d made a mistake was growing bigger by the second, and my frustration mounted. Why was I doing this? Why was I constantly putting myself in these situations? I knew he wasn’t going to listen. I knew it.

  I picked the table furthest from the door out of habit. It kept us away from people who were just coming in. I noticed a long time ago that people tended to check the room out as they walked in, and if they happened to be a guy and focused on me for half a second, it would trigger an outburst from Roy. The thought occurred to me then, what if Grant walked in?

  That single thought was enough to make my insides freeze with panic. I wasn’t sure if I was more scared of him recognizing me and coming over to me, or of him recognizing me and then leaving. That’s not true. The idea of Roy setting his sights on Grant had me terrified. I’d rather Grant leave.

  Then I thought of what he would think in that moment when he saw me with Roy. How bad would it look, me hanging out with Roy after I’d made it a point to tell Grant we weren’t together? But I wasn’t with Roy before. I remembered how Grant had stayed away earlier in the week after just seeing me talk with Roy in the parking lot. I bit at my cheek. If that had been enough to hurt his feelings so much that he’d stayed away, how would he feel seeing me hang out with Roy late at night at the pool hall? After everything Grant and I had done together? It felt wrong on a completely different level now. But he’s going to leave, something in me said. And you aren’t together. And Roy’s sister’s in a bad place right now…

  But Grant’s staying longer just for me. There were a lot of implications in that thought. He wanted more time with me. And I wanted more time with him. I liked Grant. And I wanted him to know that.

  A thump startled me out of my thoughts, and I realized Roy had thrown the triangle down on the table.

  He was looking at me. “What the hell’s eating you?” His eyes had that suspicious glean in them.

  A rush of panic went through me. I pushed it aside as I started racking the balls, giving myself something to do. “Nothing.” A flame of anger licked into me. I shouldn’t have to feel like I can’t see a man. I told him we weren’t together. But then I remembered the hell Roy raised when he got pissed, and it was always aimed at the guy, not me. I took extra time getting the balls lined up as I fought to conceal my nerves. I could stick up for myself, but Roy would be going after Grant. Kind, innocent Grant, who would have no warning and no knowledge of what he was dealing with. Roy fought dirty. I’d seen and heard enough to know that.

  I swallowed as I looked back up at Roy. “You breaking?”

  Roy eyed me before picking up a cue stick. “I’ll break.”

  I picked up my own stick and watched as he hit the cue ball so hard it sounded like it was cracking when it hit the other balls. I would just have to be patient. Roy would get it in his head eventually. Going with him had been a mistake though. I needed to draw a better line, one that didn’t involve us hanging out at the pool hall together. I pressed my thumb into the wood of the cue stick until my skin went numb.

  Roy was still on his turn. He was good at pool. I sucked at it. I didn’t care enough to get any better. A group of guys I didn’t recognize came into the pool hall. They were laughing and talking. You could feel the party mode coming off them from a mile away. They definitely weren’t locals. Even if I didn’t know everyone in town, I could tell just by the clothes they wore and the way they talked. They were probably on a road trip for spring break or something, and happened to stop in our tiny town of all places to crash for the night. Shit.

  I chewed at my cheek, hoping and praying they’d stay on the other side of the room. There were only two tables open, and one was right next to us. Suddenly, that whole talk I’d given Roy earlier seemed completely stupid. What was I thinking coming here like this? With him wound up so tight from Stevie and Katie? When Roy was focused on lining up his next shot, I positioned myself so that my back was turned to the rest of the room, hoping that would help. It never had before, but maybe it would this time.

  Roy looked up at me, and I fought to keep it together. I didn’t smile, I didn’t cringe. I just kept my face neutral as I looked back. He looked back down at the balls and made his shot. He missed. That’s how I knew he’d caught some of my tension.

  “Only got two left,” he said as he straightened, proud of himself.

  Not trusting my voice, I just cleared my throat and lined myself up to take the first shot I saw that kept me facing Roy. As the end of my stick smacked the ball, I felt Roy’s energy change. I glanced up at him, not even watching how my shot played out. His back was straight, and his eyes were dead. A chill of fear went down my spine.

  “You’re up,” I said, not even knowing if it was true. I didn’t give a shit.

  It took him a beat to go back to what he was doing. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence. That’s what he did when he got like this. I wasn’t even in the room. It was so weird. I was the reason for his outbursts. He would accuse them of trying to hit on me or looking at me the wrong way, but he completely ignored my presence. I was just an excuse for him to get in a fight.

  I clung to my cue stick as I watched Roy go back to it. His movements were much slower now. Then my breath caught in my chest as I heard the talking and laughing ge
t closer. I could hear snippets of their conversation. They were coming to the table by us.

  Dammit.

  They settled in next to us, their chattering cheerful and excited. They were rehashing memories from the night before. Roy’s eyes flicked over to them, and I dug my thumbnail into the side of my finger. What do I do? Anything I did would trigger him now. I knew it. If I wanted to leave, if I spoke up. Anything. The best I could do was sit still and hope that none of them looked my way.

  “Rack ‘em,” he said to me out of the side of his mouth, his eyes never leaving the space behind me.

  I hesitated. I could see it coming. Roy was acting off, and that meant one of them was bound to look over. And they would look at me. That’s what people did when something was off. They checked it out to get a feel for what was going on. I took a deep breath and let it out, wondering what I should do. I had to do something. I just couldn’t figure out what.

  I cautiously started taking the balls out of the pockets, keeping my eyes low. I could feel Roy staring hard at the guys, and I knew I had to do something. “Could you get your side?” I asked, keeping my voice as soft as it would go. I held my breath.

  Roy’s lip twitched and then he looked down at the table. He slowly began to pull balls out of the pockets. Instead of flinging them, he carefully pushed them toward the center. It sent warning bells off all through my brain.

  I thought about saying thanks to try to keep him focused on me, but I didn’t want to make myself even slightly more noticeable to the guys at the other table. I wanted to disappear. I carefully racked the balls as I watched Roy from my peripheral vision. He was still staring. I lifted the triangle and stepped back, angling my body so that my back was to them again.

  “Winner goes first,” I said, my voice even, hoping he wouldn’t pick up on what I was doing.

  To my relief, he bent down to line up the shot. Maybe I can convince him to leave after this game. We hadn’t been there that long, but it was late and I could play the tired card. I had been tired, before the guys next to us came in and made me afraid for their lives.