by Jay Quinn
“Sure.”
Sven flicked the ash off the end of his cigarette, and after a final drag, he stubbed it out in the ashtray. “I’m going to let Mom and Dad know that I’m moving with Rob to New York. It’s not going to be next week or anything, but definitely within the year. It’ll take that long to wrap things up down here and get it together up there. There are all kinds of decisions to make, like whether or not we want to sell both places or keep one as a second home. I could make Johann a partner and keep the store down here open. Johann is capable, if he’s ready to commit.”
“I think you’re making a wise decision, Sven,” Karl encouraged him. “But why make a big deal out of it with Mom? In a year, she won’t know whether you’ve gone or not. Why bother her with it now?”
“Because I think it’s just as important for her to let go of me as it is for me to be free,” Sven said carefully.
“Isn’t that the same as asking her permission?” Karl asked skeptically.
“No, it’s not,” Sven insisted. “It’s giving her a chance to feel like she has had a hand in my decision. Do you think she’d let go if she didn’t feel as if she were looking out for my best interests?”
“You’re giving her a chance to be the adult,” Karl reflected.
“Yeah, and I’m giving me the chance to finally grow up,” Sven told him.
Karl nodded in the darkness. “I wish it wasn’t so hard for either of you.”
Sven laughed despite himself. He managed to squelch his amusement to a few quiet chuckles before he said, “It’s all a bunch of bullshit. But it’s my life, you know? She’s been my mom and my best friend for my entire life. There will be so many voids created when she’s gone. Mom’s a huge part of my life. The only thing I can do is try not to be more neurotic than you already think I am.”
“I don’t think you’re neurotic at all,” Karl told him evenly. “I couldn’t do everything you’ve done—looking after Mom and Dad especially.”
Sven made a dismissive motion with his hand. “That’s part of being the late-in-life baby. And a result of not getting on with my life years ago. It’s just that I’ve always had this close bond with Mom. And then there’s the me-and-her-against-Dad dynamic. It is neurotic. But I’ve been a good son. Now I’m ready to be a good partner to Rob and to be good to myself as well.”
“You’ll be fine,” Karl said confidently.
“Wish me luck, big brother,” Sven said, betraying a need for his approval that was very real.
“I do, and I love you, kid,” Karl said.
“Thanks,” Sven said with a tremble in his voice.
Karl stood. “I’m going back to bed; I think you should, too. Enough deep thinking for one night.”
“You go ahead,” Sven said and reached for his cigarettes once more. “I want to sit here and enjoy what I’m feeling right now.”
Karl nodded and started past him. At the kitchen door he paused for a moment and then took a step back. Moving behind Sven, he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and hugged him tight. Then he kissed the top of his head and moved away.
“What was that for?” Sven asked him.
“For all the times in the past thirty-five years that I wanted to do it and didn’t.” Without another word, Karl walked out of the kitchen and went back to bed.
SATURDAY
11
KARL WOKE EASILY at the same time he normally did at home. His internal clock was righting itself despite the demands brought of this unexpected holiday with its swift changes of beds and emotional currents. Rolling onto his back, he searched the ceiling over the bed for the projected time from the clock at the bedside. There was still enough dimness in the early March morning to make out that it was six-ten. He lay for a moment and was relieved to find his headache had disappeared. Despite the early-morning interruption of his nightmares and the time spent with Sven in the dark kitchen, he felt rested and relaxed. The aspirin, milk, and conversation with his brother had eased Karl’s subconscious demons, and he’d slept the rest of the night peacefully.
Beside him, Caroline breathed deeply, still wound comfortably in sleep. Karl watched her sleeping for a moment. The fatigued sadness that had creased her face the night before had disappeared. Karl admired the familiar contours of her features. She was what nineteenth- century literature would have described as a handsome woman. Hers was not the striking loveliness that his mother had and still possessed. While Annike was pure Nordic, Caroline’s own distinctive looks were a hybrid of many streams of genetic confluence. A typical eastern North Carolinian, she came from mainly Anglo-Irish stock with an insistent strain of Choctaw-Cherokee characteristics.
Those very qualities had first attracted Karl, who found her looks exotic. He had been easily captivated by her hazel eyes and prominent cheekbones. As she had matured into the woman who lay beside him now, she had maintained her economical body that had been knit from birth to last near a hundred years. Her multitudinous family was long-lived with no evidence of dementia, even among the aunts, uncles, and cousins who had passed their eightieth year. Karl took particular comfort in that knowledge, watching Caroline in the intimacy of the guest room that morning. While it had been made abundantly clear to him over the past few days that time was indeed rushing along at a speed that confounded him, the stillness of that moment alone with his beloved wife provided him with an opportunity to savor her presence for several serene moments.
Karl pushed back the bedcovers and stood as gently as he could so as not to disturb her. For a few seconds he experienced the familiar head rush of rising. It seemed as if the room continued to move with his momentum, and he waited for the scene before his eyes to still. The increasing regularity of that disorientation on rising was now starting to trouble him. After seeing his parents’ sudden spurt of aging, he briefly entertained the thought that his head rushes on rising might be more than simple middle-aged low blood pressure. The sensation passed and he dismissed the thought, ascribing it to an overactive imagination.
He concentrated instead on another familiar morning ritual. He was drawn to the window, and he pulled the shade away from the edge of the window frame to peek out at the new morning in the unfamiliar neighborhood. The guest room faced the street, and Karl looked out on the growing light reflected as an orangey-rose dawn slipping out from the ocean’s rim a block away. It was a serene view. An easterly breeze ruffled the fronds of the coconut palms in Sven’s front yard, while the sprinkler system hissed and spread arcs of water across the gleaming grass of the lawn.
Other than the sprinkler’s wet whispers, Karl heard no sounds. The house was still, and he assumed he was the first one up. He found the idea of being the first one to shower appealing. The thought of washing off the unseen psychological grime he’d accumulated since the morning he’d left home was motivating. As quietly as he could, he left the window and gathered his essentials for bathing and changing clothes. He settled on a clean pair of white corduroy pants and a pale blue long-sleeved Henley from the Gap, given to him by Caroline. Those decisions made, he slipped out of the room and pulled the door closed behind him, turning the knob so it would close silently. Then he made his way through the sleeping house to the bathroom.
Within twenty minutes he was showered, shaved, dressed, and mentally ready for the demands the day would bring. After stashing his dirty underwear and his dop kit back in his suitcase, he left Caroline’s sleeping form and started to the kitchen. Gretchen trotted from the kitchen to greet him, her claws and collar tags tapping and jangling loudly in the quiet house. Awkwardly, he patted the dog’s head as she twined herself around his legs in an enthusiastic greeting. Together he and the dog proceeded into the kitchen, where he found Sven sitting in the same spot, as if he’d never returned to bed.
“Good morning,” Sven told him. “There’s coffee ready.”
“Have you been up all night?” Karl asked him as he maneuvered around Gretchen’s continuing dance by his legs to the coffeepot.
; “No,” Sven said and yawned. “I thought about what we talked about, and then I went back to bed. I was finally able to sleep like the dead.”
“Me, too,” Karl told him as he poured a generous amount of half-and-half from the container by the coffeepot. “No more bad dreams.”
“I’m glad,” Sven told him. “There’s yogurt and fresh fruit if you’re hungry,” he offered.
Karl sat down and shook his head before taking an audible sip of his coffee. “Not yet, thanks,” he said. “I need some coffee before anything else. Did I wake you this morning?”
Sven watched him as he set down his coffee mug and stretched out his legs. “Yes, but don’t worry about it. I wanted to get coffee started before everyone started getting up.” He looked his brother over and said, “You look good. That blue suits you. You don’t look a day over thirty-five.”
Karl warmed to the unexpected compliment. He looked at Sven, who appeared younger than his years despite the wrinkles crinkling the corners of his eyes—the telltale smoker’s squint. Still, Sven looked tired and somewhat strained despite his tousled hair and eager smile. “You look pretty good yourself,” Karl returned, “but I’ve always seen you as a kid. I can’t help it. It’s hard to believe you’ve turned forty.”
“We have good genes,” Sven said and shrugged. “But I’ve aged, I can tell. Smoking does that to you.”
“No cigarettes this morning?” Karl asked offhandedly.
Sven pointed to the open door and said, “I’ve already had my allotment while you were showering. I don’t want my company to gag first thing in the morning.”
“Thanks, we’ll all appreciate the fresh air, believe me,” Karl said and looked down into his coffee mug. They sat in silence awhile, each absorbed in his own thoughts, before Karl cleared his throat and said, “Who’s making this brunch at Mom’s?”
Sven laughed. “You’re looking at the chef. Mom really can’t cook anymore. She gets things out of proportion and forgets to turn down the heat, so unless you like the taste of scorch and salt lick, it’s better to just do it myself.”
“Well, you’ll have help. I’m sure Caroline will want to pitch in,” Karl promised.
“That’ll be fine,” Sven said, “but it’s really no big deal.”
Gretchen, who had sunk with a sigh next to Sven’s chair, rose and trotted out of the kitchen. By the sounds of her claws scrabbling on the terrazzo floor, Karl knew someone else had risen. In a moment Rob appeared at the kitchen door, pulling the sweater he’d worn the day before over his muscled torso. Gretchen reared up on her hind legs and placed her paws alarmingly near his crotch. Instinctively,
Rob hunched and backed away before bending slightly and taking the dog’s head between his hands and gently shaking it.
“Hey, sweetheart,’’ Rob said as his eyes sought out Sven’s. He smiled with a possessiveness that was familiar to Karl yet struck him as almost disturbingly intimate. While he had always known that Rob and his brother were lovers, they had nevertheless seemed to be circumspect around him. They had the banter of familiar intimates but were never demonstrative in his presence. Yet Karl was struck by the carnal interest that flashed in Rob’s smile and eyes this morning. He felt a little disconcerted but inwardly kicked himself for being so staid. He was secure enough in his own masculinity that homosexuality in and of itself didn’t bother him. Yet when he was presented with its practice, he was always a bit taken aback.
“Hey yourself,” Sven said gently and returned Rob’s suggestive look. “Your glasses are on top of the refrigerator,” he reminded his partner.
Karl caught Sven’s look as he returned his partner’s greeting and found it to be perfectly natural considering Sven and Rob had been together over half their lives. He thought of how silly his immediate reaction was and dismissed it as out of hand. He was in his brother’s house, and this was his brother’s life.
Rob gave Gretchen’s ears a final shake, inspiring the dog to back away and give herself a more thorough shake on her own. Rob twisted and reached up for his glasses. Once they were in place, he looked at Karl and said, “You’re up and dressed early.”
“I wanted to beat the women into the bathroom,” Karl admitted.
“I hear ya,” Rob said as he strode to the coffeepot and busied himself making his own cup.
“It’s going to be a beautiful day,” Sven reported. “Are you sure you want to be cooped up in that guest bath all day hanging wallpaper?”
Rob made his way to the table and sat down. He blew across the rim of his coffee mug. “I’ve put it off for three weeks and it really needs to be done,” he told Sven. “Are you going to be tied up with Karl, Caroline, and Melanie all day?”
Sven nodded. “I want to spend as much time with Karl’s family as I can. God only knows when we’ll all be together again. Besides, I’ll be the cook all day, brunch and dinner. Mom can’t handle it by herself.”
Rob took a sip of his coffee and settled back into his chair. “Well, I want to spend some more time with them, too,” he said defensively. “How late do you think the day will run?”
Sven reached across the table and sought his partner’s hand. He gave it a squeeze and said, “It won’t be late. Mom and Dad will want supper by five. I can’t imagine us getting back here later than seven.” Sven released Rob’s hand and settled back into his own chair.
“I’ve got an idea,” Karl said suddenly. “Sven, why don’t you get dinner started and leave us to feed ourselves, clean up, and get back here on our own. That way you and Rob could have dinner together and meet us back here.”
“That sounds like a plan,” Rob agreed eagerly. “We can go to that Italian place we love. I’ve been dreaming of their yellowtail livornese. I’m sure I could get us reservations at five.”
Sven looked at Karl and asked, “You wouldn’t feel like I was abandoning you or anything?”
“Hell no,” Karl said. “That’s why I suggested it. Besides, you’ll need to get back here to let Gretchen out and feed her, won’t you?”
“I’ll come here at three-thirty and take care of Gretchen,” Rob promised. “You meet me here by four and you’ll have a chance to shower and change before we head out for dinner.”
Sven sighed and looked out the kitchen door wistfully. “It sounds wonderful,” he admitted. “How long has it been since we ate out on a Saturday night?”
“Too long,’’ Rob replied. “We haven’t gone out since we had dinner with Tim and Tricia two months ago.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Sven asked Karl once more.
“Actually, I’m glad we’re here to entertain Mom and Dad and give you a break,” Karl told his brother.
Sven smiled gratefully and turned to Rob. “Like a date?”
“Absolutely,” Rob told him. “It’s a done deal. I’ll be waiting for you here.”
“Okay!” Sven agreed excitedly. “Damn. This is a real treat.”
Karl grinned and nodded at Rob. “That was easy. I do come up with a good idea once in a while.”
Rob nodded at him gratefully. “It was inspired. Sven will be able to relax and enjoy himself for once.”
“You can say that again,” Sven concurred. “I never know when Mom or Dad will call with some small thing that is a huge crisis in their minds. You have no idea…”
“No, I don’t,” Karl interrupted him gently. “I feel bad that I’m so far away and can’t be around to give you a hand with all those little things. This trip has really opened my eyes, you know? It’s so easy for me to assume everything is perfectly normal from where I sit eight hundred miles away.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Karl,” Sven said consolingly. “Even if you lived across town, I bet Mom and Dad would still call me. And Mom’s not the only one to blame, though she always has been a little proprietary over me.”
“A little,” Rob commented wryly.
“C’mon, Rob, be fair. Dad’s just as bad. As far as he’s concerned, since I’m not married with
two point three kids, my life is somehow not as validly busy as other people’s,” Sven said.
“That’s true,” Rob agreed. “Your father still thinks of you as a teenager. He acts like your work is only a hobby, and he discounts your relationship with me entirely.”
“I think both of your assessments of how Dad sees you are totally correct,’’ Karl agreed. “Straight people, myself included, I hate to say, tend to see gay people as having way too much fun.”
“Well, we can hardly blame you,” Rob said jokingly. “We’re the ones who picked out gay as our adjective. It makes being homosexual sound a little fizzy and empty-headed.”
Sven snorted and said, “Like our life is some big disco party orgy, complete with cocktail umbrellas, which we go to after shopping for grooming products.”
“We haven’t been to a club in years,” Rob told Karl with some exasperation. “In fact, we haven’t been on a vacation since 1999. Travel for us is always business.”
“Do you know what I’d give just to have the time to spend the morning at the beach?” Sven asked tiredly. “It’s only a block away, but the only time I see it is when I walk Gretchen.”
“Really?” Melanie said as she strode into the kitchen and walked straight to the coffeepot. “Well, Mom and I plan to spend the morning on the beach tomorrow, and I’m going to play my spoiled-niece card and drag you along with us.” She reached for a coffee mug and turned to pet Gretchen, who seemed very excited by all the people appearing in her usually quiet home.
Sven chuckled and gave Melanie a fond look. “And good morning to you, too, Miz Melanie.”
“Good morning, guys,” Melanie replied as she poured her coffee and generously creamed it. “Do you have any Splenda?”
“Look in the drawer under the coffeemaker,” Rob told her.
Melanie located the sweetener and emptied the contents of a packet into her coffee. “What are we talking about?” she asked cheerfully as she took the empty place at the table and sat down.
