by Jay Quinn
Melanie smoothed the lotion over her shins, taking care to cover the tops of her feet, before she passed the bottle to her mother. Caroline, who had naturally darker skin thanks to her Native-American heritage, rubbed only a little lotion onto her face, shoulders, décolletage, and thighs. “I don’t burn,” she said. “I turn red, then brown. I’ve always been lucky that way, thanks to some distant relatives who were Cherokee.”
Karl took the bottle and applied the lotion generously over himself. Thinking how miserable a sunburn would make him in a buttoned shirt and tie in the coming week, he didn’t neglect his neck.
At last, everyone was lubricated inside and out with the aid of Rob’s strong drinks and Melanie’s sunscreen. Conversation hit a lull as each became absorbed in their own thoughts. The only sounds were the persistent lapping of the shore break, the gulls passing overhead with their harsh laughter and calls, the shrill laughter and happy shrieks of small children, and snatches of songs from a hundred different radios and portable stereos. Offshore, a few brave souls chanced the chilly surf in the turquoise sea.
Karl sighed in contentment and reached for Caroline’s hand, lightly lacing his fingers with hers on the warm sand between them. He felt his mind slowly empty under the warm sun. Images of his father and mother chased themselves behind his closed lids. Whenever thoughts of them turned troubling, he consciously replaced them with pleasant memories of them when they had been much younger.
Karl’s memories took him to the beaches in New Jersey, where his father had driven them for Saturday or Sunday outings from Wild wood all the way down to Cape May. He thought of playing Skee-Ball and the rides on the boardwalk. He remembered the icy-cold, dark blue water of the northern ocean and the way his mother would brood over his blue lips when he’d run from the water’s edge back to the blanket they all shared. His father would take him out beyond the breakers to wave-jump, encouraging him to swim as he himself strode along the bottom until they reached the sandbar. There his father would hold his hands and encourage him to jump up into the uplift of the swells. Karl remembered how safe he had felt as his father would gather him to his chest while Karl clenched his waist with his knees and they rose with the waves, bobbing in the water like happy seals.
“Hey,” Sven said, rousing Karl from his drowsiness as he squatted beside him.
Karl opened his eyes and looked at his brother’s smiling face. “Hey yourself,” he said with a returning smile.
“Did I wake you?” Sven asked.
“No,” Karl told him. “I was just far away, thinking about being a little kid up in Jersey.”
Sven admitted, “So was I, but I was remembering being down here on the beach with you.”
“We did spend a lot of time together on the beach in the neighborhood, didn’t we?” Karl reminisced.
“You taught me how to swim in the ocean,” Sven reminded him. “It’s funny. Because of you, I’ve never been frightened of swimming in the sea.”
“I did that?” Karl asked him doubtfully.
“Oh, yeah, it was you,” Sven said without hesitating. “You used to take me wave-jumping when I was small. Don’t you remember?”
“I can’t believe you were thinking of that,” Karl said with a chuckle. “I was just remembering Dad doing the same thing with me.”
“Dad did?” Sven said doubtfully. “I thought it was a game you made up.”
“No,” Karl said gently. “Dad used to take me wave-jumping up until I was about ten years old. He used to hold me and throw me up in the air sometimes. Or let me stand on his thighs and dive into the swells.”
“That’s what you did with me,’’ Sven told him. “Dad never went swimming with me. It was you who taught me all of that stuff.”
Karl did remember playing with Sven in the ocean when his brother was small. He marveled at the idea that his parents allowed him such responsibility for Sven when he was so little. “I guess I did. I must have been pretty sure of myself, to take you out so far when you were that little.”
“I never thought anything about it,” Sven said. “I trusted you completely in the deep water. You used to hold me and hug me and wipe my face when I breathed in seawater and got choked,” Sven said admiringly. “I remember how safe I felt with you holding on to me. I felt like I could do anything. No, I felt like you could do anything.”
“How old do you suppose you were?” Karl wondered.
“Maybe about six, seven, tops,” Sven said. “But I can remember being younger than that and you taking me out in the water. You were so much bigger than I was. You were a great brother.”
In his mind’s eye, Karl found a younger Sven’s blue eyes and towheaded delight at being out with his big brother. It all seemed so long ago, but now it seemed only a heartbeat away. Sven now sat on the sand beside him, his hair shining in the sun, and those same blue eyes gathered in a shallow fan of wrinkles at their corners as he squinted in the strong sunlight.
“I missed you so much when you went away to school,” Sven continued. “I used to go sit in your room. When it didn’t smell like you anymore, then I knew you were really gone and you wouldn’t be coming back to stay, at least not like before.”
“I had no idea you missed me so much,” Karl said, touched deeply by Sven’s recollection.
“Oh, yeah, you were a big deal for me.” Sven smiled. “Our family was so small—once you were gone, it was just me and Mom and Dad. Things changed once you left. Dad was really working hard and he was remote and irritable when he was home. Mom was pretty cool; still, it wasn’t ever the same without you.”
“I was just so much older,’’ Karl offered by way of an explanation. “I was just doing what I was supposed to, I guess.”
“Oh, I know that. Your life took you so far away is all.” Sven paused then asked, “What made you choose to go to NC State?”
Karl smiled. “I wanted to go to their engineering school, for one. Also, I didn’t get accepted at Georgia Tech. But I guess the truth of it is I wanted to go away to school. I wanted to go back to where there were seasons. Hell, I don’t know… it just worked out that my life took me away from home. I’m not unusual in that respect.”
“Yes, of course,” Sven said. “I just wanted you to know I missed you, that’s all. You shouldn’t ever think you don’t matter just because you live so far away.”
“Thanks, Sven,”
“Um, before the day gets busy and gone,” Sven continued, “I want to thank you for dropping everything to come down this weekend. Speaking for all of us, we needed you.”
“It’s not a big deal to come for a visit, Sven,” Karl said. “I would have come sooner if I’d known things were so out of hand. I don’t know that I’ve managed to make any of it better, but I’m glad I came.”
“Well, you have made it better,” Sven said emphatically. “It’s not that you did anything big. But it’s been good to have you to talk it all out with. You’ve helped me see some things that were right in front of my face but that I couldn’t seem to recognize on my own.”
“Really?” Karl asked. “What? I haven’t been much help.”
Sven glanced across at Rob lying on his stomach with his arms over his head. Sven lowered his voice and said, “Talking with you about me and Rob making some changes was a big help. I just want you to know I’m not going to get all clingy and needy or anything, but I would like to continue talking with you, get together more in the future. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I still miss you, you know?”
“And I miss you,” Karl said, realizing how much he meant it. “I’ll admit it’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day stuff at home, and to make other things in my life a priority, but I promise you, we’ll try to stay in touch better, okay?”
“That’s what I’m talking about,” Sven said. “I’m just going to call more and let you know what’s going on. Maybe fly up some weekend. I’d love to see your and Caro’s new town house.”
“I have an idea,” Karl said impulsively. “
Why don’t you and Rob plan to come for Christmas this year? I know it’s early to be thinking about the holidays, but they’ll be here before we know it. I mentioned the idea to Dad and he wasn’t eager about it at all. He thinks traveling with Mom will be impossible by then, and to tell you the truth, I think he’d rather be home m his own bed. But there’s no reason you and Rob couldn’t come. We could start a new family tradition. If Melanie’s in New York, we’re halfway between you and her. Why don’t you think about it and talk it over with Rob?”
Sven looked at him like a happy child and said, “You don’t know how much I’d like that, Karl. Pretty soon Mom’s going to be gone. Dad and I aren’t ever going to be close, so you’re my family,” he ended simply.
“Yes, it’s true. You’re my family, too, remember. We’ll work at it, okay?” Karl said with a catch in his throat. As he nervously drank his now watery screwdriver, Sven touched his shoulder briefly and stood. As he did, his knees cracked loudly.
Sven laughed at the sound of his own creaks and said, “I’m getting old.”
“No, you’re not.” Karl laughed. “Because that would mean I’m getting really old, and I’ve decided I’m not going to get old—not like Dad is, at least.”
“God forbid,” Sven said with a chuckle. “We’ll let him be one of a kind. Deal?”
“Deal,” Karl said as he shielded his eyes and looked up at his little brother.
Sven nodded and stepped away toward his place at the other end of the group.
Karl felt Caroline’s fingers tighten around his own and he looked at her questioningly.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Karl understood that her thanks were on Sven’s behalf, not her own. In reply, he lifted their hands from the sand and kissed the back of hers lightly before untwining their fingers and letting go. He closed his eyes, and immediately an old forgotten image appeared in his mind. He was standing chest-deep in the ocean, with Sven’s skinny little-boy knees digging into his belly and back. He held him easily on his hip and watched as his teeth chattered against the cool wind rushing over them. Sven looked out to the horizon and turned his head, suddenly flinging stinging seawater from the tips of his wet, matted hair. He looked Karl in the eye and laughed as the oncoming swells approached. Karl bent his knees, submerging them both to the level of Sven’s chin, and jumped as the swell hit them and carried them high. Sven laughed with joy and Karl smiled and smiled.
Lulled by the liquor, the sun’s languor, and the susurrous crash of the waves, Karl soon dozed off. There was too much of the experience of this beach he wanted to enjoy to trade for the possibility of the beach of his early-morning dreams. If the entire weekend had been spent under such a generous sun and peaceful, ambient sounds that surrounded him on this Sunday mid-afternoon, he would not have been so tired. As it was, both his body and his spirit were fatigued by the demands his family had placed on him. However, the fatigue was gentle, not bitter. He had grown to expect this unfamiliar weight. Karl realized how much family weight he had been free of for so long, living hundreds of miles away. He had surprised himself by how easily he had taken on the burden. Before this weekend, he would not have thought himself capable of so much empathy.
“Guys,” Sven said loudly. “It’s quarter of one. I hate to be the head dyke and get you marching, but if you want showers and any lunch, we need to be getting back to the house.”
Rob sat up and rubbed his eyes like a little boy. “I’ll shower outside and let the family use the bath in the house,” he offered.
“I’m going to do the same,” Sven said.
“Oh, I hate the thought of chasing you out of your bathroom,” Caroline worried.
“Don’t,” Melanie said with a laugh. “You haven’t seen the outdoor shower. Can you say ‘Zen-like retreat’?”
“It’s that nice, huh?” Caroline replied dubiously.
“Girl,” Rob said, “you don’t think two gay guys are going to shower under a garden hose, do you? Sven and I built an outdoor spa.”
Karl roused himself from his silent torpor and looked at Caroline. “Why don’t we be adventurous and claim the outdoor shower for ourselves?”
“You are a wickedly interesting husband, you know that,” Caroline said, rising to the bait. “I just might take you up on that. Is it big enough for two?” she asked Rob.
Rob grinned at her and nodded. “Private enough, too.”
Caroline stood up effortlessly and said, “Okay, Karl, you’re on. We have first dibs,” she announced.
“You go, Mom,” Melanie cheered, and stood as well. “I’ll use the bath, then.”
Karl stood a little unsteadily and was once again beset by a head rush. It was starting to annoy him—this constant disorienting sensation on rising. Without saying anything to anyone, he made a mental note to give his doctor a call. He doubted it was anything dire, but he wanted to be sure of it. He was, after all, getting old, he thought. He shook his head to dismiss that thought and replaced it with the novel idea of sharing the outdoor shower with his wife. “You’re on,” he said to Caroline with a smile.
Caro had noticed his momentary unsteadiness, and concern crossed her face like the shadow of a gull. Wordlessly, she stooped and retrieved Karl’s and her own beach towel, and walked a few paces away to shake them free of sand. The others followed suit, and soon they were padding across the notably warmer sand to the concrete walk along the inlet.
Karl felt sorry to be leaving the beach. As the midday light spread lovingly over the long stretch of sand and surf, he felt cheated, envying the people there who continued their beach day uninterrupted by imminent demands and flight schedules. He took a moment to absorb the sounds and smells and sights all around him, breathing in a deep appreciation of the place. Warmed by his time in the sun and mellowed by the drink and the comfort of the company, he felt some of the sense of well-being from his morning dream return to him. He hung back a bit to wait for Sven, and as his brother caught up with him he told him, “This re ally is a remarkable place you live in.”
“I know,” Sven said with a grin. “Eight years ago, I found this place and thought I’d better grab on to it while I could still afford it. You would not believe the rate at which it’s appreciated.”
“Oh, yes, I would,” Karl said ruefully. “Do you think you’ll have to sell it to make the move to New York?”
Sven sighed. “That’s something Rob and I will have to discuss. Actually, his condo will bring a lot more just because it’s on the ocean in Palm Beach. But getting a place in Manhattan big enough for the both of us is a forbidding prospect. Real estate prices there are insane.”
“Wouldn’t you be better off getting a pied-à-terre in Manhattan and keeping your place here?” Karl asked. “I’m kicking myself for never visiting you before. I had no idea what I was missing.”
“Well, you’re welcome anytime,” Sven said eagerly. “It’s not that expensive to fly down for a long weekend, you know. I’d love to have you whenever you can come.”
Karl looked around and smiled. “I hope you mean that, because I intend to come back. And consider this: I’ve got a little money stashed away. I’d have to talk to Caroline, of course, but maybe—if you can’t afford to keep this place on your own—maybe we could discuss the possibility of buying a share of your house. That would give you some cash to work with and also help you keep the house. Just file the idea away for future thought, okay?”
Sven gave him a loving smile and a vigorous nod of his head in reply.
As they walked back to Sven’s house, Karl considered his impromptu suggestion. The more he thought about investing in a share of Sven’s beach house, the more he liked the idea. Every year, he had lost his vacation time because he never took it. If he could coordinate leave with any of Sven’s frequent buying trips to Europe, he and Caroline could easily come down several times a year, whether Sven and Rob were there or not. In many ways, the idea made a lot of sense.
Once they returned to the hou
se, Sven volunteered to make sandwiches while Caroline, Karl, and Melanie showered. Giggling like children, Karl and Caroline gathered clean towels, a change of clothes, and their bath items before making their way to the outdoor shower, adjacent to the rear of the house on the end opposite the kitchen. There, Rob and Sven had extended the patio and enclosed two sides with a six-foot stucco wall. Just off the patio was a small dressing area, with low benches along each side and hooks set into the wall for clothes and towels. Beyond the dressing room was the shower itself, featuring a large overhead spray and a showerhead on either wall. Brightly colored tiles were set into the stucco, and the concrete floor was covered with a mosaic tile in yellow and blue.
With suddenly shy smiles, Caroline and Karl stripped and stepped into the shower. Blessedly, there was both hot and cold water. Caroline waited in a corner until Karl had adjusted the temperature of the overhead shower and stepped under its rainfall. Blissfully, he turned his hot face up into the warm water and rinsed away the sweat and sunscreen before reaching to pull Caroline under the water. For a moment they simply clung to each other, enjoying the rush of the water and the beaming of the sun overhead as well. Caroline turned Karl as gently as she would a child and picked up the bar of soap to lather him all over. Once she’d accomplished that to his obvious pleasure, he returned the favor. Again they came together in an embrace as they rinsed off under the generous shower head. They took turns shampooing each other’s hair and rinsing again until they were clean and dripping. Finally, they took turns drying each other off. While there was every opportunity for the experience to turn erotic, Karl felt deeply satisfied and nurtured by the simple intimacy of the shared shower.
As they dressed together in the area off the shower, Caroline traded a relaxed, happy smile with Karl and said, “I could get used to living like this.”
