The Phobia of Renegade X

by Chelsea M. Campbell

  I close the door, but I don’t go away. “Amelia—”

  “I figured you’d hear it from Zach soon anyway, and I didn’t want him to be the one to tell you.”

  “I didn’t want you guys to break up. I never said that I did.” I move closer to the bed, but I don’t sit down. I just stand there awkwardly, imagining all the possible reasons they could have broken up after what me and Riley walked in on yesterday. “What happened?”

  “None of your business. It’s private.” She stares down into her pillow, not looking at me.

  My blood suddenly runs cold. I think of what Riley said yesterday, about how Amelia and Zach were going to end up sleeping together under false pretenses. Because of me. “Amelia… what happened?”

  She sniffs really big and shakes her head. “I don’t want to tell you. Can’t Kat come over again?”

  “She’s at Vilmore. And she’d tell me anything you told her.”

  “No, she wouldn’t.”

  “Yes, she would. And whatever it is… you can tell me.”

  “I can’t.” She sniffs again as more tears slide down her face. “You’re my brother. And you’re Zach’s friend.”

  “I was both of those things last time and you still told me.”

  “But you only pretended to comfort me, because you felt guilty, so I don’t know how I’m supposed to trust you, even if I did want to talk about it with you, which I don’t.”

  “I wasn’t pretending to comfort you. I meant it. And it wasn’t because I felt guilty.” Well, not only because of that.

  She gives me a mean look, her voice bitter. “You sat here that whole night with me, trying to make me feel better, but you knew what really happened. You knew it was because of you that my heart got broken, and you didn’t even care.”

  “That’s not true.” I glance down at the floor, then back up at her. “Did you sleep with Zach?”

  “What? No. No way. I told you I wasn’t going to do that.” But she says it to her pillow, not me, and her face turns kind of red. Well, it was already kind of red from crying, but now it’s even worse.

  Okay, great. This would be an excellent time to get Kat on the phone. Except maybe I don’t want my girlfriend and my sister discussing their sex lives—one of which involves me—especially while I’m in the room. I mean, there’s no way I’d leave the room, either, so it’s kind of a non-option. “So. It, um, didn’t go so well?”

  “Oh, my God! I just told you I didn’t sleep with him! I’m not like that.”

  “Uh-huh. Just like you weren’t ‘like that’ on the couch with him yesterday.”

  “Shut up.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “I didn’t do it!”

  “If you say so. But it’s still a valid question.”

  “I…” Her face falls, and her shoulders sort of deflate. “I was thinking about it. I mean, we almost… we almost did it.”

  I’m not sure I want to know what that means. “Okay. Great talk. I think we’re done here.”

  “I know what I said, about waiting, but I also really wanted to do it. But it was weird because we went to his room, and he already had condoms.”

  “Well, yeah. You weren’t going to do it if he didn’t, right?”

  “No, but… it just seemed weird. Like, he said he got them a while ago for just in case, but that means he was thinking about it.”

  I give her a look like duh. Even though I was shocked to find them, too. But I’m not, like, going out with him.

  “But I wasn’t thinking about it. Not like that, like it was really going to happen. It all felt scary and real all of a sudden. And it wasn’t anything he did, so don’t get mad at him or anything. At least, not about that part. You can get mad at him in a minute. But I was really…” She glances up at me, like she’s weighing whether or not to finish that sentence. “I was really overwhelmed. Were you overwhelmed? Your first time?”

  “Um. I thought you didn’t want to hear about that. I’m your brother.”

  “I know, but none of my friends have ever done it. Only your friends, and they’re not here. So were you overwhelmed?”

  “No.”

  “Is that just a boy thing? Was Kat overwhelmed?”

  “No. I mean, I don’t think so.” I sit down on the bed.

  “So, there’s something wrong with me.”

  “Maybe you’re just not ready. And it still felt like a big deal, even if I wasn’t overwhelmed.”

  “Did you plan it out?”

  “Look, Amelia, maybe you should just finish your story. Tell me why I should be mad at Zach.”

  “If you won’t tell me, I’ll just ask Kat, and she’ll tell me everything, even the parts you don’t want me to know.”

  Erg. “She won’t.”

  “She already told me you lied about having phone sex. I’ll just ask her if you made it special and had, like, rose petals all over the bed and stuff.”

  “No rose petals. Geez. Who does that?”

  “I saw it in a movie. So, did you plan it out? Or was it spontaneous?”

  “Both? I don’t know. It’s not like either of us said, ‘Hey, I have five minutes free at exactly seven p.m. tomorrow. You want to lose our virginities?’”

  Amelia wrinkles her nose. “Five minutes?”

  “Half an hour. Whatever. It wasn’t planned out, but it wasn’t like we didn’t know we were going to.”

  “Did you take her to dinner first?”

  “What, like, ever?”

  “No, that night.”

  “It wasn’t at night. It was during the day, on one of those prospective student tours at Vilmore. Kat had gotten her acceptance letter and wanted to see the campus again. I went with her, even though I didn’t get in. Spring semester was over and summer classes hadn’t started yet, so the dorms were mostly empty. We ended up breaking off from the tour, and Kat pulled me into a room nobody was living in, and then it just sort of happened.”

  “She pulled you into the room? So, you weren’t thinking about it?”

  “Of course I was thinking about it. We both were. Kat just acted on it first.”

  “And then what happened?”

  “I don’t know. Then we went and had lunch in the cafeteria.”

  “Like it was nothing?”

  “No, like it was time for lunch. What else would we do?”

  “It’s supposed to change your life. You even said it was a big deal. So it seems weird to just go have lunch afterward, especially in a cafeteria. That doesn’t sound very romantic.”

  I shrug. “It was the next part of the tour.”

  “Did you at least pay for hers?”

  “No. And what’s your obsession with me buying her food? You make it sound like I owed her something.”

  “That’s what guys are supposed to do. To show their appreciation, I guess.”

  “That’s creepy. And Kat paid for lunch. For both of us. Well, technically her dad paid for it, since he gave her the money for the trip, but whatever.”

  “So, it didn’t change your life?” She wrinkles her forehead in disbelief.

  “I don’t know. Not that much. Can we get back to what happened with you and Zach already?”

  “In a minute. So, you didn’t do anything to make it special for her?”

  I sigh. “It was special. And I don’t know why you think that’s my responsibility.”

  “Because. Girls aren’t supposed to… you know.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her. “Aren’t supposed to what?”

  “Have sex. Because their lives might get ruined and then the boys just get to walk away. That’s what Tiffany’s grandma told us. She’s really old, and out of nowhere one day she said, ‘Don’t you girls ever let any boys into your hen house, because they’re all foxes who will leave you high and dry.’ We were trying not to laugh when she said it, but it was also really scary.”

  “That’s not going to happen.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because me a
nd Kat are careful.”

  “But it could still happen. That’s what they taught us in school. No matter what you do, it could still happen, and every time a girl has sex, it’s like playing Russian roulette with your future.”

  “Seriously? They told you that in school?”

  “Only this one teacher. She was kind of crazy, though. I think mostly she was trying to scare us.”

  “We’re not playing Russian roulette, okay? It’s not like that.”

  “But—”

  “We’re not. And if Kat got pregnant, the last thing I would do is walk away.”

  “You say that now, but you don’t really know.”

  “Yes, I do, Amelia. My mom raised me by herself. She had sex with some random guy in a dirty subway bathroom—without a condom or anything—and she got pregnant with me and never saw him again. Well, until I tracked him down.”

  Amelia looks kind of sick. “Okay, we can talk about me now.”

  “She didn’t tell Gordon about me. He probably would have been there if she did. But he wasn’t, and she was alone, and I would never do that to Kat. So don’t tell me I don’t know.”

  Amelia nods, not saying anything at first. Then she whispers, “Did you… did you miss him?”

  “No.” I stare down at my knees. “There was nothing to miss.”

  “But you said you tracked him down. So—”

  “I was curious, after I got my X. I didn’t know Mom had slept with a superhero until then, and I wanted to know how bad the damage was.”

  “But didn’t you want—”

  “No.”

  “You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

  “It doesn’t matter, because I didn’t want anything from him.” I still don’t. “Just tell me about what happened with Zach.”

  “But—”

  “Amelia.”

  “Okay, okay.” She takes a deep breath and props her hands behind her on the bed, steadying herself. “We went to his room, and things happened really fast. I kind of wanted them to, and I know Zach did, too, because he showed me the condoms. And then I felt kind of freaked out, because it meant it could really happen. But I didn’t say anything, because we’d just gotten back together, and I didn’t want anything to go wrong between us. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want to, even though I wasn’t sure. And then…” She glances over at me, then down at the bed. “Things went really far. I mean, we went farther than we had before. And Zach was really into it, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how he’d been kind of planning this and I hadn’t, and how it might actually happen and what that would mean and how I couldn’t picture myself as someone who’d had sex. And there was also this fear building up in me, because of the whole Russian roulette thing.”

  “The teacher that told you that was messed up. Just for the record.”

  “In my mind, I was like, ‘What would Mom and Dad say if I got pregnant?’ So suddenly I was picturing myself having to tell them, and how ashamed I would be. And Zach was taking his clothes off, and I didn’t think he was thinking about that, about what he would have to tell his mom if something happened. And that made me feel really alone, even though he was right there. So I told him I loved him again. And he said”—she sucks in a breath, her voice getting high-pitched and new tears springing to her eyes—“he said, ‘I really like you, Amelia.’ That’s it. That he likes me. And he said it like he thought it was okay for him to say that back to me after I told him I loved him. Like this is how it was going to be between us. And I realized even though we were back together, and even though you said you were the reason he said all that at Prom, that nothing had changed. I broke up with him because he didn’t love me, and that was still true.”

  “I’m sorry I interfered. And I’m sorry I told you all that, about it being my fault.”

  “Well, it was.”

  “I know. But… I made it sound like something happened that didn’t. I should have stayed out of it.”

  “Well, then I kind of freaked out. Because he was opening one of the condoms, like this was really going to happen, and he had no idea how upset I was. I told him I made a mistake, that I couldn’t do it. I started getting dressed really fast, so he would know what I meant. And he asked me what was wrong, because I guess he really didn’t know, and I said getting back together with him was a huge mistake. That we shouldn’t have been doing what we were doing, because that was a huge mistake, too. I was kind of mean, because I was so freaked out, and he started crying when he realized I was breaking up with him again. He said we didn’t have to sleep together, that he wasn’t trying to pressure me. And I know he wasn’t, but it wasn’t just about that. He doesn’t care about me the way I care about him. So it’s over, for reals this time. And I don’t know what he’s going to tell you, but that’s how it happened for me.”

  “At least you guys were honest with each other. It could have gone a lot worse.”

  “But now I know Zach’s never going to love me, and he’s not going to be my first, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

  “You want to watch the sad movie?”

  “The movie’s not sad—it’s happy. I just watch it when I’m sad. You’d know that if you’d paid attention when we watched it.”

  “I was paying attention. That lady’s boyfriend left her for another woman, and then she got fired from her job, and then her dog got sick. You don’t call that sad?”

  “That was only the beginning part. Her dog got better, and she met that veterinarian guy who was a way better boyfriend, and if she hadn’t gotten fired, she wouldn’t have decided to start her own clothing line, and she wouldn’t have been so successful. So it was happy. And yes, I want to watch it.”

  “You want me to call Kat? We can put her on speaker phone.”

  “No. I don’t want to have to tell anyone else what happened yet. So that means it’s just you, and you have to pay attention this time. And no texting with Riley while we watch, because I’ll know you guys are talking about me.”

  I put my phone on silent. “There. Happy now?”

  “No,” she says, her mouth turning down, and I know she’s not talking about my movie-watching habits.

  “It’s his loss, Amelia.”

  She nods, but her eyes are full of tears, and she’s too choked up to say anything.

  Chapter 39

  “THAT’S WHAT YOU CALLED me over here for?” I ask Grandpa. I’m over at his house, because he called and said he had something urgent to discuss. I wasn’t really planning on getting out of bed before ten, what with having nothing to get up for, but he made it sound important.

  “The auction’s tonight,” he says. “I thought you’d want to know.”

  “You could have told me over the phone. Or in a text.” And then I could have told him exactly what I’m going to tell him now. “I’m not going.”

  “I’m not telling you this because I think you’ve got money to burn, kid. I’m telling you because Frank’s auctioning off that fear ray you let him—er, her—get a hold of.”

  “Don’t say it like that.” I rub my finger across a stain on the table. “I was protecting Kat. And Frank would have taken it anyway.” I know I said it was my fault, but hearing Grandpa blame me just feels wrong. Like maybe it really wasn’t all on me.

  “However you want to look at it, Frank still took that fear ray on your watch. Getting it back sounds like the kind of thing you’d want to do.”

  “Well, I don’t.”

  “It’s going to be a big auction. More weapons than just that fear ray are going to be up for grabs. It’s the big-ticket item, so they won’t put it up first. Maybe not until the end.”

  “Great. I still don’t see why you couldn’t have told me over the phone.”

  “I wanted to make sure and go over the details with you. I don’t like the idea of my grandson hanging out at a place like that, especially with the intent to steal the best item at the auction. The best I can do is make sure you’re well inform
ed.”

  “It’s not going to happen.”

  “I didn’t think you could face off against Frank and live to tell about it, and I was wrong. And… I know how much something like this must be weighing on you.”

  “You’re not listening to me. I said I’m not going.”

  He gives me a stern look. “I don’t want to sound like one of those idiots on the news, but I don’t like the idea of that fear ray being on the loose out there, either.”

  “So you steal it.”

  “I’m the leader of the Truth. I can’t be caught doing something like that. And I’m not the one who lost it in the first place.”

  “I can’t get it back, okay? We can tell some real heroes, and they’ll—”

  He scoffs. “No. No way in hell is my grandson telling the League about this.”

  “Come on, Grandpa. I wouldn’t tell the League. But… someone.” I drum my fingers on the table. There have to be other superhero groups out there now. If Gordon and his stupid brother Ted are thinking of starting one, then tons of other people must be doing it. “We could tell Heroesworth.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “I kind of thought I was. Wouldn’t they send you?”

  “I’m quitting.”

  “What do you mean, you’re quitting?”

  I hold up my hands, then let them fall back down. “I mean I’m dropping out. I’m not going back. I thought everyone knew that already.”

  “And where would I have heard it? All I know about my grandson these days is what I see on the news, and they didn’t mention you were a quitter.”

  I swallow. “I’m not a quitter. But I can’t be a hero anymore.”

  “Why? Because one mission didn’t go your way?”

  “I thought you didn’t want me to be a hero. Or to go to Heroesworth. You should be relieved.”

  “If you told me you were quitting to go to Vilmore, maybe I would be. But I look at you, at that sullen expression on your face, and I don’t see someone whose life choices I should be relieved about. You wanted to be a hero. You went to that damned school, even though they didn’t know what they were doing. And even though they treated you like dirt. I know they did, so don’t try to deny it. And if you put up with all that for so long, you don’t just drop out because you suddenly changed your mind.”