by Julie Cannon
Shivley repeated her question. “Why are you here, Rachel?”
Rachel’s insides felt as if a rusty gate was trying to swing open. “I spent a few years on a ranch when I was a teenager. It was probably the best foster home I had the entire twelve years I was in the system. When I first arrived at the Stewarts’ I was a smart-ass, hard-core thirteen-year-old. No one could tell me anything. I mean, my shit did not stink. And after a few days of mucking stalls and shoveling shit, I knew I was right. In comparison to horse shit and cow dung, mine didn’t stink. It was definitely roses.
“But I loved it there. It was like I was a totally different person. I couldn’t wait to get up every day. Mr. Stewart had to practically drag me into the house in the evening to do my homework. Being there taught me so much. Not just how to ride a horse or use a rope but how to respect nature. How to live off the land. How it is our responsibility to give back. It gave me a sense of peace I haven’t been able to find again.” Rachel could see the ranch and her three years there as clearly as if it were yesterday.
“I feel out of sorts lately. Lost and discontent. What used to make me happy doesn’t anymore.” Rachel had never uttered those words to another person.
“What did?” Shivley asked cautiously.
“Power, fame, beating the other guy. Women.” Rachel rattled off the main drivers of her life for the past few years.
“What did you do when you got out of the system?” Shivley asked, bringing the conversation back to Rachel’s childhood.
“Fell through the cracks for a few years. One day you’re a child, not capable of taking care of yourself, at least in the eyes of the state, and the next day you’re an adult. A lot of kids are out on the street with nothing the day they turn eighteen. No home, no family, nothing. I was lucky. I had a decent job and had saved some money. I got a dumpy apartment, tried to keep my nose clean, and worked my way through college.” Rachel summarized six years of her life in just a few sentences.
The crickets chirped in the distance and one of the horses in the barn whinnied, breaking the otherwise silent night. “How did you get into politics?”
Rachel couldn’t believe how much she was opening up to Shivley. She had never told anyone half of what she was telling her. Being here on the ranch had done that to her. “College. I have a degree in political science, but I always knew I wanted to be behind the scenes. I got a break with a local politician running for reelection, and fifteen years later here I am, standing under the stars with a beautiful woman.”
Shivley finally turned and looked at Rachel. “Are you finding what you’re looking for?”
“I’m not sure I’d know it if I saw it. It could be standing right in front of me and I can honestly say I might not recognize it.” Rachel had had enough baring of her soul for tonight and turned the conversation around to focus on Shivley. “Why are you here?” She knew the basic story from their conversation the other night, but she suspected there was more to it than that.
Shivley told Rachel about Dale, her illness, how she bought the ranch and developed it to what it was today. She never once looked at Rachel, but she could feel her soft eyes watching her.
“Do you miss her?”
The question was not what Shivley expected Rachel to say. Usually she got a variant of “I’m sorry for your loss,” but no one had ever asked if she missed her. “No.” The simple word shocked her. She hadn’t even thought about her answer and certainly hadn’t thought it would be no. Rachel didn’t say anything.
“I mean not here. This ranch was my dream, not Dale’s. She was never here, literally or figuratively. I miss being with someone. Not just the sex.” Shivley peeked at Rachel, who had a very skeptical look on her face. “Okay, I miss the sex, but I also miss the idea of having someone in my life.”
“How so?” Rachel asked. She had never missed anyone except her mother, and then only in the beginning.
“Just knowing there is someone there. Even if they are hundreds of miles away, they’re still with you.” She lifted her chin. The night was clear and thousands of stars twinkled in the black sky. “You could be in Paris, and me right here, and we’d see the same stars.”
The longing in Shivley’s voice tugged at Rachel. She had never felt this way about another person and wondered if that was good or bad. “I wouldn’t know.”
Shivley turned and looked at Rachel standing beside her. It was comfortable being with Rachel this way, the moonlight illuminating her face in soft shadows.
“I never had a best friend or anyone that cared for me like that.” Reality was as cold as it sounded.
“What about your parents?”
“My father was MIA from the get-go, and my mother, well, all I know about her is that she left me with a neighbor, told me she’d come right back, and never did. Needless to say, trust is not something I’m real familiar with.”
Shivley wanted to hug Rachel but knew she would be rebuffed if she tried. Rachel wouldn’t want her sympathy. “What about a lover?”
Rachel smirked. “Too many to count, none that ever did.” She knew Shivley would not be judgmental of her past. Another long pause filled the night. “What about your family?” Rachel had never asked that question of anyone that she could remember. She wanted to know the answer now.
“My father is a first-class asshole, and for some reason, my mother has put up with him for forty-six years. Dad rules the house, is opinionated and a constant embarrassment. I stopped inviting friends over when I was fifteen.”
“Any siblings?”
“One brother in Pittsburgh. Frank is a chip off the old block.” Shivley had two nephews she had never seen, preferring to not subject herself to Frank’s bigoted diatribes.
“How did they react when they found out you were a lesbian?” Rachel had been lucky to be with an understanding foster family when she came out. If they hadn’t been, she could only imagine what her life would have been like.
Shivley turned around, her back to the corral fence. She put her hands in the front pockets of her jeans. “Dad hit me, Mom cried, and my brother got a hard-on. I was seventeen. Like you, I worked my way through college, had a girlfriend here and there, got my CPA, worked for a few jerks, started my own firm, met Dale, she died, and that just about brings you up to date.”
“How long were you two together?” It was odd that Rachel was asking questions about an ex-lover. Whenever she had before it was only to inquire about sexually transmitted diseases.
“Four years. We dated for one and lived together for three.”
“Were you happy?”
It took several moments for Shivley to answer the question. Images of her and Dale sharing laughter, love, and tears flashed in her mind. “I thought I was.”
“What changed your mind?” Rachel’s curiosity increased.
Shivley looked at her house across the yard. She’d designed the structure herself, along with the barn and the shed. She had set almost every fence post, hammered every nail, and selected every head of stock. It was more than she could imagine. “This. This is what changed my life. This is where I want to be for the rest of my life.”
Rachel looked around as well and took a deep breath. “I’m with you.”
Shivley wished Rachel meant it exactly the way she said it. She wanted Rachel by her side, to share the ranch with her. She wanted to spend peaceful nights like this with her and wake up next to her every morning. She reached out and touched Rachel’s arm. “I’m sorry…for this afternoon…tonight.” Shivley wasn’t sure what to say. Rachel’s soft smile warmed her.
“It’s okay. Our demons never surface at an appropriate time. Good night.”
Shivley watched Rachel walk toward the house. She wanted her and had no idea what to do about it. Rachel was leaving in five days.
Chapter Twenty
The women had been riding for two hours when Shivley stopped for their first break. It was their fifth day at the ranch and they were headed to the north pasture to bring in the
herd for shots and tagging. Rachel was surprisingly well rested. After her confession the night before, she was expecting to toss and turn all night but instead slept the best she had in months.
Shivley, on the other hand, looked terrible. Dark circles were pronounced under her eyes and she kept shooting glances at Rachel that she didn’t understand. They had not had any opportunity to say anything other than a polite good morning to each other.
As Rachel rode that morning she wondered if she would ever need someone the way Shivley had described last night. She never let herself get that close to anyone. It simply hurt too much. She didn’t remember much about her mother other than the pain she felt when she left. Even at the age of five, Rachel knew she would never see her mother again. The pain was almost as fresh as it was that cloudy day.
One lover she had let get too close thought she could change her. Rachel had made it very clear that she was not looking for a relationship and when she ended it, the woman flew into a rage. She said many things, most of them very ugly, and said that Rachel needed to “see someone,” as she phrased it, to get help for her commitment phobia. Rachel didn’t need a shrink to tell her that her mother’s abandonment and her unstable childhood were the cause. Anything she ever cared about was ripped from her. Rachel simply chose not to repeat the cycle. For her entire childhood she had no choice in anything concerning her life, but the one thing she could control was her feelings. She kept them exactly where she wanted them to be. It was as simple as that.
There were a few groans as the women dismounted and led their horses to the watering trough. The troughs were scattered across the ranch, providing fresh water for the horses and cattle as they roamed freely.
“There’s nothing in here,” Joyce said, confused.
“Shit.” Shivley dismounted and walked over to the trough. It was fed from a natural stream with a float that kept it from overflowing, but right now it was bone dry. From what she could see, the float arm was corroded and was stuck in the closed position.
“Hmm. Even I don’t think it’s supposed to look like that.” Rachel had walked up behind Shivley without her noticing.
“Right again, Miss I am full of surprises and can fix anything,” Shivley teased. She had enjoyed her conversation with Rachel last night and her spirits were high. “What do you suggest we do?”
Rachel grinned at the teasing moniker. “Joyce, do you have any of that Coke left?” she asked, not directly answering Shivley’s question. Joyce handed her the can, and Rachel slowly poured the contents over the corroded area. Bubbles erupted, accompanied by a slight hissing sound as the beverage ate away at the offending material. In just a few moments the float lifted and water started pouring into the trough.
“I’ll be damned.” Shivley shook her head. Rachel continued to amaze her.
Rachel crushed the can under her boot and picked it up. “Anything else, boss?” She glowed at the surprised look on Shivley’s face. It thrilled her to keep Shivley off her stride. Rachel was rarely challenged by a woman, but being here on Shivley’s ranch was nirvana. “Better watch out, boss. I’m not your average, everyday spin doctor, you know. I can hold my own with just about anything you throw at me.” Rachel stepped closer so no one could overhear her next words. “And that includes you, Rancher McCoy.”
Rachel stepped away and Shivley couldn’t move. Rachel’s voice was seductive and her breath caressed her cheek when she confidently stated her parting words. Shively felt an overwhelming urge to run, but she didn’t know in which direction. Should she run away from the temptation Rachel so self-assuredly offered or run toward the fulfillment she suspected she would find in her arms? She took the safe way out and simply watched the water fill the tank.
The sun was descending when Shivley stopped the herd. They had ridden all afternoon, driving the fifty head of cattle back to the confines of the ranch. Rachel was never far from her sight and Shivley was watching now as she sharply reined her horse to the left to keep a young calf from bolting.
Rachel didn’t think, she simply reacted when she noticed the calf moving a split second before her horse. She was sore and tired from being in the saddle since the sun rose, but the ache in her muscles was a welcome respite to the endless, mind-numbing meetings that filled most of her days.
Rachel was looking forward to spending the night under the stars. Well, not exactly under the stars. Ann had met them a few minutes earlier with the bed of the truck filled with tents for each woman and the supplies they would need for the remainder of the roundup. Rachel suspected the ground would be hard and the night air cool and had silently made a bet with herself as to which of her fellow guests would complain first. Her money was on Christina.
After a dinner of steaks perfectly grilled over the open fire, the women settled in around the campfire. The herd was bedded down for the night with Gail and Bart taking the first watch over their day’s hard work. While the crickets chirped in the distance, Jane softly strummed on the guitar she had asked Ann to bring.
Shivley sat on a downed log, strong hands wrapped around her warm cup of coffee. Sue kept a running monologue going in her right ear, and Shivley was grateful the only thing required from her was an occasional nod. Her gaze kept drifting to Rachel sitting across from her. The light from the fire cast a warm glow on her face, and when their eyes met Shivley lost her breath. Dancing flames of desire mirrored those of their campfire.
The sound of her name caught her attention and Shivley asked, “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
Christina repeated her question. “I said it’s your turn.”
Shivley was at a loss as to what turn Christina was referring to. She hadn’t been following the conversation. In fact, she hadn’t heard a word anyone said in the last five minutes. “I’m sorry. My mind was somewhere else. What am I supposed to do?” She shot a glance at Rachel, whose expression told Shivley that she knew exactly where her mind had been.
“Your wildest fantasy. All of us except you and Rachel have bared our innermost sexual desires. You’re up. And I for one am definitely interested.”
Of that Shivley was certain. All day long, Christina had continued to let it be known in not so subtle ways that all Shivley needed to do was give her the word.
Rachel had been half listening to the trail of confessions offered up by her fellow guests, and they ranged from the sublime to the downright outrageous. Christina’s well-rehearsed plan was specifically directed at Shivley but lost on their host’s inattentiveness. Women like Christina didn’t threaten Rachel. There was a fine line between letting a woman know you were interested and throwing yourself at her. To Rachel, if a woman was equally interested she would quickly pick up the familiar signs. Throwing yourself at somebody was simply unnecessary. Christina was definitely on the wrong side of that line.
Rachel joined in. “Yes, Shivley, tell us. What is your wildest sexual fantasy?” Her voice was low and husky, and Rachel saw Shivley’s expression change from polite interest to want when she said the word sexual. Now she really wanted to know.
“What ever happened to ghost stories and singing songs around the campfire?” Shivley asked.
“That went out with spin the bottle,” Jackie said.
“I kind of liked spin the bottle,” Rachel mused.
Shivley rose to the challenge she saw in Rachel’s eyes. “All right.” She held Rachel’s look but addressed her question to the other women. “Is this just fantasy in general or specific details?”
“Details,” was the chorus of replies, along with a hoot or two to set the mood.
Shivley didn’t have sexual fantasies, or at least none she would classify as fantasy, let alone wild ones. Fantasies were those things that were just at the tip of your fingers or were so far out of reach they would probably never come true. She wanted a woman to share her life with, simple as that. But she knew that was not what her guests were talking about, and she was all about giving her guests what they were looking for. She dragged her eyes away fro
m Rachel.
“I’m not much of a kiss-and-tell kind of girl.”
“Get over it.” This time it was Sue who replied, and the other women cheered in agreement.
Shivley chuckled. “I can see I’m outnumbered here.”
“Smart woman. Now cough it up,” Jane said.
“Okay, okay, let me think. I have so many to choose from.” She winked at Jane and took a breath. “I’m driving on a quiet road out in the middle of nowhere. Rod Stewart is singing his song about hot legs on the radio when I round the corner and there she is.” Shivley hesitated and slowly turned her head and locked on Rachel’s knowing eyes. “She’s lost, and being the kindhearted soul that I am, I offer to help her find her way.”
“You can show me the way anytime,” Debra said teasingly and was rewarded with a jab in the side by her lover.
Shivley laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, she has legs that go on forever in a pair of tight jeans, and of course since I am a red-blooded lesbian, the first thing I do is think about them wrapped around me.” Several women echoed her thoughts. “She is the most beautiful, stunning, sexy woman I’ve ever seen, and my libido starts telling me I need to have her. She’s holding a map and is standing very close to me. She smells like a warm spring day and all I want to do is feel the sun on my back and her under me.”
“Better use sunscreen.”
Shivley nodded in agreement. “Definitely, because I plan to be in that position for a long, long time.” She grinned. “Anyway, her hands are shaking as she hands me the map. I can’t seem to focus on the lines and numbers because she has moved even closer and her body is practically touching me. Somehow I give her directions, and when she reaches for the map our fingers touch. We look at each other and we both know exactly what we want.” Shivley made eye contact with each woman, saving Rachel for last.
Rachel’s heart raced when she realized Shivley was talking about the first time they’d met. She held her breath wondering just how much Shivley would reveal about their first meeting. Was Shivley telling the truth or simply fiction for the sake of the discussion?
