by Julie Cannon
“Nothing happened, Shivley. Last night was great, but that was all it was. Like I said earlier in the week, I needed a good fuck and you were kind enough to oblige.”
Shivley was shocked. That was the last thing she expected to hear. “Kind enough to oblige? Jesus Christ, Rachel, you make it sound like I did you a favor.”
“You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say and you needed it as much as I did. We came together at the right time and it was great, but that’s it. It happened, nothing more, nothing less.” It took all of Rachel’s skill to maintain her composure. She had been hurt enough. She of all people had no idea how to have a normal relationship, whatever that was, and the ghost of Dale hovering over them would make it impossible. She refused to be the fool. Emotional distance was what she was good at, and she reached down and pulled it out now. She was going to come out ahead like she always had in every other relationship that had gone sour.
Rachel’s coolness surprised Shivley. She looked hard into Rachel’s eyes, searching for a chink in the armor she had effectively pulled on. She stared for what seemed like an eternity, but Rachel did not back down.
“If that’s the way you want it. But it’s bullshit, Rachel, and I know it. It meant something to me and it meant something to you. I understand what you’re doing, and if this is what you have to do, then I can’t do anything other than respect it. But it’s a load of crap.” Shivley played a hunch in believing that what they had shared the night before was more than just two women fulfilling a need. No one made love as tenderly as Rachel had made love to her and thought it meant nothing.
Rachel wanted to lose herself in Shivley’s arms again, but she wouldn’t be second fiddle, especially to the memories of a dead woman. From what she’d heard this morning, Shivley regretted what had happened between them, and that was all that needed to be said.
“Is that all?” Rachel’s voice was flat, emotionless, and didn’t encourage any further conversation. Shivley wanted to fight for her and Rachel, but she didn’t deserve anyone, especially a woman as wonderful as Rachel. She didn’t answer, but walked past Rachel and out the bedroom door.
Chapter Twenty-Six
The remaining two days were the longest of Shivley’s life. She had to give Rachel credit. She had not avoided her or any of the other guests and had participated in all the scheduled activities. Gone were the enthusiasm and intuitiveness, and her heart was definitely not in it. Meals were awkward, with Rachel avoiding eye contact with her while joining in the conversations.
The evening before the women were scheduled to leave Shivley watched as Rachel went out the front door. Shivley heard her boots cross the porch and knew she was headed toward the stables. She followed a few minutes later. Rachel was saying good-bye to Bonanza, and Shivley stepped behind a large pillar to allow Rachel her privacy. She gently stroked the big gelding’s head, her hands running up and down his nose and around his ears. She was whispering something in his ears that calmed the animal, and with one last look over her shoulder, she walked away.
Shivley almost stepped out of her hiding place, but didn’t. There was nothing to say to Rachel. Nothing that would change the way things were or the way she felt toward her. She loved Rachel but knew there was no way anything good could ever come from it. She let her pass. Rachel turned off the light and Shivley stood alone in the dark for a very long time.
*
Almost everyone was on board. One by one the women had said their good-byes and boarded the plane that would take them back to their normal lives. Rachel was the last to board, and picking up her duffel, she stopped in front of Shivley. She had not slept a wink last night knowing she would never see Shivley McCoy again. She tried to convince herself that this was just a vacation and nothing more, but after several hours she simply gave in to thinking about the last nine days.
Nothing in her life had ever come as close to pure happiness as her time at the ranch. She’d been one person when she arrived and was a very different person now that she was leaving. She had found herself again at the Springdale and was not going to let it disappear again. But the ranch was only part of it. Shivley was the rest. She was the one Rachel had risked everything for, and it had bounced back in her face. Rachel had been so sure about Shivley—she was still trying to figure out where she had misread her.
“Good-bye, Rachel.”
Shivley’s voice was calm, but Rachel saw that her eyes were sad. Ask me to stay. Please tell me I’m the one who can make you forget about Dale. Please ask me to stay. “Good-bye, Shivley.” The other women had either shaken hands with Shivley or given her a quick hug. Rachel couldn’t bear to do either. A handshake was ludicrous, and if she put her arms around Shivley again, she might never let go. Rachel did neither. She turned and climbed the same seven steps that changed her life ten days ago.
*
Shivley waved a final good-bye to her guests. She loved giving women the opportunity to experience a snippet of life on a ranch, but she was never so happy to see a bunch of women leave in her life. She had almost managed to evade the clutches of Christina, but she was so preoccupied with thoughts of Rachel, she didn’t see Christina until it was too late. By then Christina had her arms around her neck and had her locked in a sloppy kiss. Shivley pried her off an instant before Christina’s tongue would have been down her throat.
Shivley turned her back on the plane and climbed into her Jeep. She was edgy and at a loss as to what to do next. There were dozens of things that needed tending to—there were fences to repair, stock to check on, and grass to mow—but as Shivley sat in her Jeep, all she could do was relive the moment she’d first laid eyes on Rachel Stanton.
She hadn’t realized it then, but looking back on it now, Shivley saw with clarity just how much Rachel had affected her. Yes, she was immediately attracted to her, who wouldn’t be? She was absolutely beautiful, but it was something else. Shivley knew what it was. She had fallen in love with Rachel, plain and simple. Her spirit soared every time Rachel said her name. Her heart pounded in her chest when she watched Rachel on her horse or in the barn, and when she touched her, well, that was more than she could ever imagine.
Rachel’s touch was like fire. She knew just what to do and did it extremely well. She could sense when Shivley needed more pressure or a feather-light touch. Rachel made her quiver on the edge of desire just long enough before taking her over that edge. Shivley felt strong and powerful and sensual in Rachel’s arms. Rachel brought joy and happiness back into her life in just a few days. But it wasn’t that simple. They lived in two worlds that could not be more different.
Shivley’s musings were interrupted when Ann slipped into the seat beside her. “Wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
“Too bad, talk to me about it anyway.”
Shivley shook her head in disbelief. “You know, Ann, if you ever decide to leave here, you could make a killing as a psychic.”
“Yes, I could, but I’m not leaving, and don’t try to change the subject,” Ann replied sternly.
“I’m in love with her.” Shivley didn’t think she would ever say those three words again.
“Does she know that?”
“No.” Shivley’s voice cracked.
“Why not?”
“I didn’t tell her.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll never be able to give her what she needs.” Or what she deserves, Shivley thought.
“And what does she need other than your love?”
Shivley exhaled deeply and gazed out the windshield. Thunderclouds that mirrored her disposition darkened the sky, threatening to rain at any moment. Shivley was afraid that when the sky opened up she would, too. “Rachel had a difficult childhood. She never said it exactly, but I don’t think she trusts many people, or anyone for that matter.” Shivley continued to tell Ann what she knew about Rachel’s life. “She’s been disappointed too many times in her life, and I can’t add to that.”
“Why do you think you
would?”
A drop of rain hit the windshield of the Jeep, then another, and another. “Because I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love her the way she needs to be loved, the way she deserves to be loved.” That was Shivley’s biggest fear. She loved Rachel too much to disappoint her or cause her any pain. “I’m afraid we’ll end up like Dale, and I can’t do that to her.”
“So you’re not going to do anything?”
“That’s right.” Clouds rumbled in the distance.
Ann turned to her. “So let me get this straight. You love Rachel and she loves you.” Ann stopped when Shivley turned to look at her. “Come on, Shivley. I saw the way she looked at you. She couldn’t take her eyes off you when you were in the room. And when you weren’t, she was like a caged lion looking for you. She might not be ready to admit it, but she does. What is with you women these days?”
“Ann,” Shivley began.
“No, don’t Ann me. You’re going to be too pigheaded to go after her because you think you might end up like you and Dale? Shivley, you have a better chance of winning the lottery than what you’re afraid of. You know why?”
“I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”
“You’re goddamned right I am.” Ann was angry now. “Because this you can control. You can control it. If you really want to.” The rain on the soft top of the Jeep sounded like the tapping of sticks. “So what are you going to do about it?”
Shivley turned the key in the ignition. “Nothing.” She shifted the Jeep into gear. Ann reached over and put a hand on her arm. Shivley cut her off before Ann even had a chance to begin. “Ann, it’s pointless. She has a high-powered job and lives in Atlanta. For Christ’s sake, she’ll probably be responsible for the next president! I’m just a simple cowpoke living in the boondocks with cows and horses.”
“I seem to remember Rachel kicking ass on her horse. She also knew exactly what to do the night of the storm. She was the only one out of all those women who had even the slightest idea of what it takes to run this ranch. Don’t tell me she couldn’t be happy here. And don’t tell yourself that either.” Ann crossed her arms over her chest.
“I won’t ask her to leave her life. For what? For this?” Shivley’s hands were palms up, indicating all that lay in front of them. “To work your hands to the bone and be so tired you can’t even stay awake long enough to eat? To castrate cattle, shovel shit, and shoot horses when they get injured? To be so hot you’d think you’d die of sunstroke and so cold you’re afraid you won’t?” Shivley’s voice had risen and she wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince, Ann or herself.
“No. For you.”
Ann’s voice was soft, but the words echoed through Shivley’s brain like a freight train.
*
Rachel dropped her duffel bag in the foyer and headed straight for the shower. Her flight, though relatively short, was miserable, her mind jumping back and forth between life with Shivley and life without. The red light was blinking on her answering machine when she got out of the shower, but Rachel chose to ignore it and headed straight for bed. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
The next morning she had breakfast at the local coffee shop and stopped at the store to restock her refrigerator. After putting the perishables in the fridge, she grabbed a cold beer and headed out to the deck. The phone rang as she opened the sliding door and she debated whether or not to answer it. She was not in the mood to talk to anyone and certainly did not want to talk to anyone from the office.
Four beers later Rachel was still on edge. She had flipped through the channels, tried to read a book, and even gone for a walk, but nothing could shake the awkward feeling she would describe as out of sorts. It made no sense to her. She was back home, in her element, where she was in control and knew every move she was going to make and the next two moves of her opponent. She should feel secure, but what she felt was unsettled. In the past she would have attributed it to being away from the office for so long. She would simply get back into her routine and she would be fine. But this time, Rachel wasn’t so sure she would get over it.
The sun was setting behind the trees when she finally went inside. She puttered around in the kitchen, and on the way to the laundry room to start a load of clothes, she pushed the Play button on the answering machine.
The first message was from Senator Denton upping the ante, hoping to convince Rachel to join his campaign. Rachel was surprised when the familiar tickle of interest went up her neck. The insane compensation he quoted was enough to take it seriously. Prior to going to Springdale, she had been sick of the political scene, the backstabbing, and the deals that required you to sell your little sister in order to get your bill passed later. She had little interest in the thrill of the chase, and definitely not the slimeballs that accompanied it.
But what was she going to do the rest of her life? Fortunately she had been paid well and invested even better, and had enough money in the bank that she didn’t need to worry about it for quite some time. Perhaps she’d take a trip to Europe or maybe Australia. All of these thoughts went through her mind while the senator from the great state of New Hampshire droned on. She hit the Erase button and he finally stopped. She picked up the phone.
*
The woman staring back at her in the mirror was a stranger. Rachel was in another hotel room in yet another city, and she had no idea who she was looking at. Who is this woman? She was wearing an impeccably tailored Armani business suit, silk stockings, and a pair of eight-hundred-dollar Prada shoes. Her nails were buffed to a blazing shine, and two-carat diamond earrings winked at her. The three-hundred-dollar haircut was perfect for her face and had just a hint of highlights. Rachel had seen a string of strangers in this similar position, but none that looked exactly like her.
Again she asked, this time out loud, “Who in the hell are you?”
Rachel had been back to work for a month directing the campaign of the man most whispered to be the next presidential candidate. She had named her price—huge, her role in the campaign—strategic, and her travel accommodations—first class and five star. They were met without hesitation and here she was, in a hotel room with a total stranger—herself.
Rachel didn’t recognize herself anymore. Yes, the clothes, hotels, limos, and private planes were familiar, but they paled in comparison to jeans, boots, cotton sheets, and horse shit. Where she once thrived on the power, the gamesmanship, and the thrill of victory, she now wanted the simple life of quiet nights in front of the fire watching the stars twinkle. She was a totally different person and she had no idea what to do about it. She didn’t even know why she was doing it. Maybe it was because it was familiar, maybe it was mindless work, maybe she didn’t have anything else in her life to do?
There was not a minute to spare on the political stump, but Rachel still had too much time alone. In the past she would have occupied herself with a woman, or several women, but she was oddly celibate since returning from her vacation. And it was during those times of solitude that she could not stop thinking about Shivley.
She was more woman than Rachel had ever known and definitely more than she could handle. She was confident, self-assured, practical, honest, and drop-dead gorgeous. She was clever, funny, spontaneous, and smart. She was everything Rachel could ever want all wrapped up in one. She was magnificent. And she could never love again.
Shivley had said as much to Ann, and as much as Rachel had started to believe she could actually have something with her, a relationship, she couldn’t let it happen. What she felt for Shivley had the ability to hurt her, the deep, soul-wrenching kind of hurt that you never really recover from, and Rachel could not let that happen again. She would not let it happen.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Another day, another airport, another flight, but that was where the similarities ended. Rachel was crowded into a twenty-year-old 737 as it taxied down the runway. Billings Airport was small, serving the neighboring communities of rural Montana. Rachel
stepped out of the plane and descended the stairs to the tarmac.
She had not checked a bag—she wouldn’t be staying long—and she made her way to the car rental counter. Twenty minutes later she was in the driver’s seat of a Chevy Tahoe with a cup of coffee in one hand and a map lying on the seat beside her. Before she pulled out of the parking lot she checked the map for directions. Smiling, she remembered another time when she checked a map for directions.
The roads were mostly empty, and although there were dark clouds on the horizon, the August sun was shining brightly, creating a glare that was unbearable without her sunglasses. As she turned left at the intersection of Route 33 and Barkley Road, the memories flooded her consciousness like a tidal wave. The fence was the same barbed wire she had helped put up over twenty years ago. The flag was up on the mailbox at the end of the drive. The tires of the Tahoe cracked over the crushed granite as she pulled in and parked next to an old Chevy pick-up truck. She turned off the engine and sat staring at the house.
The Stewarts had recently painted it a soft shade of brown with chocolate trim around the doors and windows. On the front porch stood three rocking chairs, three empty flower containers, and a door mat. Rachel immediately thought of the doormat that was there when she was. Welcome. She hadn’t felt welcome when she arrived then, but she did now. She steeled herself and stepped out of the truck.
It had taken very little to track down the Stewarts. Actually, all it took was a phone call to directory assistance and she was talking to them on the phone. Susan and Raymond still lived in the same house and were still foster parents for children in the area.
She had called the Stewarts because her life was in turmoil. She didn’t know what she wanted to do. She had tried the easy answer, but after only a few days she knew the political trail was no longer for her. She couldn’t sleep, she had lost weight, and she barked at everybody.
