That’s why I was worried! My cronies and I knew that as gaudy and overdone as the Royal Wedding was, it was only the warm-up act for the main event. There was also the extra heat on me of knowing that I hadn’t shared all of my plans with my co-conspirators. It seemed that was another bad habit I had picked up from Aahz.
Grimble and Badaxe were at their usual places as mismatched bookends to the throne, while Chumly, Tananda, Massha, and I, courtesy of my disguise spells and Badaxe’s pull as general, were lined up along the foot of the throne as bodyguards. Everything was set to go ... if we ever got the time!
As dignitary after dignitary stepped forward to offer his or her congratulations and gifts, I found little to occupy my thoughts except how many things could go wrong with my little scheme. I had stuck my neck out a long way with my plan, and if it didn’t work, a lot of people would be affected, starting with the king and subjects of Possiltum.
The more I thought, the more I worried until, instead of wishing the dignitaries would hurry, I actually found myself hoping they would take forever and preserve this brief moment of peace.
Of course, no sooner did I start hoping things would last, and they were over. The last well-wisher was filing out and the Queen herself rising to leave when Grimble and Badaxe left their customary positions and stepped before the throne.
“Before you go, my dear,” Rodrick said, “our retainers wish to extend their compliments.”
Queen Hemlock frowned slightly, but resumed her seat.
“The Chancellor of the Exchequer stands ready to support their majesties in any way,” Grimble began. “Of course, even with the new influx of wealth into the treasury, we must watch needless expenses. As always, [ stand ready to set the example in cost savings, and so have decided that to purchase a present for you equal to my esteem would be a flagrant and unnecessary expense, and therefore ...”
“Yes, yes, Grimble,” the King interrupted. “We understand and appreciate your self-sacrifice. General Badaxe?”
Grimble hesitated, and then yielded the floor to his rival.
“I am a fighting man, not a speechmaker,” the General said abruptly. “The army stands ready to support the kingdom and the throne of Possiltum. As for myself ... here is my present.”
He removed the axe from his belt and laid it on the stairs before the throne.
Whether he was offering his pet weapon or his personal allegiance, I found the gesture eloquent beyond words. “Thank you, General Badaxe, Grimble,” Queen Hemlock said loftily. “I’m sure I can ...”
“My dear,” the King interrupted softly. “There is another retainer.”
And I was on.
Screwing up my courage, I dropped my disguise and stepped before the throne.
“Your Majesties, the Great Skeeve gives you his congratulations on this happy event.”
The Queen was no fool. For one beat her eyes popped open and on the next she was staring at the King. You could almost hear her thoughts: ‘If the Magician is there, then the man I just married is ...”
“That’s right, Your Majesty. As you yourself said in our earlier conversations, ‘Royalty has married royalty. While it might have been nice dramatically to savor that moment, I noticed the Queen’s eyes were narrowing thoughtfully, so I hurried on.
“Before you decide how to express your joy,” I warned, “perhaps I should explain my gift to the throne.”
Now the thoughtful gaze was on me. I expressed my own joy by sweating profusely.
“My gift is the wedding rings now worn by both king and queen. I hope you like them, because they won’t come off.”
Queen Hemlock made one brief attempt to remove her ring, and then her eyes were on me again. This time, the gaze wasn’t thoughtful.
“Just as the fate of the kingdom of Possiltum is linked to the throne, as of the moment you donned those rings, your fates are linked to each other. By the power of a spell so simple it cannot be broken or countered, when one of you dies, so does the other.”
The Queen didn’t like that at all, and even the King showed a small frown wrinkle on his forehead, as if contemplating something he had not previously considered. That was my signal to clarify things for him ... that there was an implication to the rings that I hadn’t mentioned to him.
“This is not intended as a ‘one-sided’ gift, for just as Queen Hemlock must now protect the health and well-being of her king, so must King Rodrick defend his queen against all dangers ... all dangers.”
The King was on his feet now, eyes flashing.
“What is that supposed to mean, Lord Magician?”
As adept as I was becoming at courtly speech, there were things which I felt were best said in the vernacular.
“It means if you or anybody else kills her, say, on your orders, then, you’re dead. Now SIT DOWN AND LISTEN!!”
All the anger and frustration I had felt since figuring out the King was trying to double-cross me, but had been too busy to express, found its vent in that outburst. It worked. The King sank back into his chair, pale and slightly shaken.
I wasn’t done, though. I had been through a lot, and a few words weren’t enough to settle my mind.
“Since I accepted this assignment, I’ve heard nothing but how ruthless and ambitious Queen Hemlock is. Well, that maybe true, BUT SHE ISN’T GETTING ANY PRIZE EITHER! Right now, King Rodrick, I have more respect for her than I have for you. She didn’t abandon her kingdom in the middle of a crisis.”
I began to pace back and forth before the thrones as I warmed to my topic.
“Everybody talks about ‘our duty to the throne.’ It’s the guiding directive in the walk-a-day life of commoners. What never gets mentioned is ‘the throne’s duty to the people.”‘
I paused and pointed directly at the King,
“I sat in that chair for a while. It’s a lot of fun, deciding people’s lives for them. Power is heady, and the fringe benefits are great! All that bowing and scraping, not to mention one heck of a wardrobe. Still, it’s a job like any other, and with any job you sometimes have to do things you don’t like. Badaxe doesn’t just parade and review his troops, he has to train them and lead them into battle ... you know, as in ‘I could get killed out here’ battle. Grimble spends ungodly hours poring over those numbers of his for the privilege of standing at your side.
“Any job has its pluses and minuses, and if the minuses outweigh the pluses, you screw up your courage and quit ... unless, of course, you’re King Rodrick. Then, instead of abdicating and turning the pluses and minuses over to someone else, you stick someone else with doing the job in your name and sneak out a back door. Maybe that’s how people do their jobs where you were raised, but I think it’s conduct a peasant would be ashamed of.
I faced them, hands defiantly on my hips.
“Well, I’ve done my job. The kingdom has been protected from the immediate threat. With any luck, you two will learn to work together. I trust King Rodrick can dilute the Queen’s ambition. I only hope that Queen Hemlock’s fiery spirit can put a little more spine and courage into the King,”
This time it was Queen Hemlock who was on her feet.
“Are you going to let him talk to you like that, Roddie? You’re the king. Nobody pushes a king around.”
“Guards!” Rodrick said tightly. “Seize that man.”
It had worked! King and Queen were united against a common foe ... me! Now all I had to do was survive it.
One more mind pass, and my comrades stood exposed as the outworlders they were.
Queen Hemlock, unaccustomed to my dealings with demons, dropped into her seat with a small gasp. The King simply scowled as he realized the real reason for the presence of my friends.
“Your Majesties,” Badaxe said, stepping forward. “I am sworn to protect the throne and would willingly lay down my life in your defense. I do not see a physic
al threat here, however. If anything, it occurs to me both throne and kingdom would be strengthened if the Great Skeeve’s words were heard and heeded.”
“I am not a fighting man,” Grimble said, joining Badaxe, “so my duty here is passive. I must add, though, that I also feel the Lord Magician’s words have merit and should be said to every ruler.”
His eyes narrowed and he turned to face me.
“I challenge, though, whether they should be said by a retainer to the court. One of our first duties is to show respect to the throne, in word and manner.”
“That much we agree on, Grimble,” Badaxe nodded, adding his glare to the many focused on me.
“Strange as it may sound,” I said, “I agree, too. For that reason, I am hereby tendering my resignation as Court Magician of Possiltum. The kingdom is now secure militarily and financially, and in my opinion there is no point in it bearing the expense of a full-time magician, especially one who has been insolent to the throne. There is no need to discuss severance pay. The King’s reward for my last assignment, coupled with the monies I have already received from the Exchequer, will serve my needs adequately. I will simply gather my things and depart.”
I saw Grimble blanch slightly when he realized that I would not be returning his bribe. I had faith in his ability to hide anything in his stacks of numbered, sheets, though.
With only the slightest of nods to the throne, I gathered my entourage with my eyes and left.
Everything had gone perfectly. I couldn’t have asked for the proceedings to have turned out better. As such, I was puzzled as to why I was sweat-drenched and shaking like a leaf by the time I reached my own quarters.
“SO, WHERE do you go from here?” Tananda asked.
She and Chumly were helping me pack. We had all agreed that having incurred the combined wrath of the King and Queen, it would be wisest to delay my departure as little as possible. Massha was off seeing to Gleep and Buttercup as well as saying her goodbyes to Badaxe.
“I don’t really know,” I admitted. “I was serious when I said I had accumulated enough wealth for a while. I’ll probably hole up someplace and practice my magic for a while ... maybe at that inn Aahz and I used to use as a home base.”
“I say, why don’t you tag along with little sister and me?” Chumly suggested. “We usually operate out of the Bazaar at Deva. It wouldn’t be a bad place for you to keep your hand in, magic-wise.”
It flashed through my mind that the Mob must have started its infiltration of the Bazaar by now. It also occurred to me that, in the pre-wedding rush, I hadn’t told Tananda or Chumly about that particular portion of the caper. Having remembered, I found myself reluctant to admit my responsibility for what they’d find on their return.
“I dunno, Chumly,” I hedged. “You two travel pretty light. I’ve got so much stuff, I’d probably be better off settling down somewhere permanent.”
It was a pretty weak argument, but the troll seemed to accept it ... maybe because he could see that mountain of gear we were accumulating, trying to clear my quarters.
“Well, think it over. We’d be glad to have you. You’re not a bad sort to have around in a tight spot.”
“I’ll say,” Tanda agreed with a laugh. “Where did you find those rings, anyway?”
“Bought them from a street vendor at the Bazaar.”
“On Deva?” Chumly said with a frown. “Two spelled rings like that must have set you back a pretty penny. Are you sure you have enough money left?”
Now it was my turn to laugh.
“First of all, they aren’t spelled. That was just a bluff I was running on their royal majesties. The rings are plain junk jewelry ... and I got them for free.”
“Free?”
Now Tananda was frowning.
“Nobody gets anything for free at the Bazaar.”
“No, really. They were free ... well, the vendor did get my permission to say that I use his wares, but that’s the same as free, isn’t it? I mean, I didn’t pay him any money.”
As I spoke, I found myself suddenly uncertain of my ‘good deal.’ One of my earliest lessons about dealing with Deveels was ‘If you think you’ve made a good deal with a Deveel, first count your fingers, then your limbs, then your relatives ...
“Permission to use your name?” Tananda echoed. “For two lousy rings? No percentage or anything? Didn’t Aahz ever teach you about endorsements?”
There was a soft BAMPH in the air.
“Is someone taking my name in vain?”
And Aahz was there, every green scaly inch of him, making his entrance as casually as if he had just stepped out.
Of the three of us, I was the first to recover from my surprise. Well, at least I found my voice.
“Aahz!”
“Hi, kid. Miss me?”
“But Aahz!”
I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. What I really wanted to do was embrace him and never let go. Of course, now that he was back, I would do no such thing. I mean, our relationship had never been big in the emotional displays department.
“What’s the matter with everybody?” my mentor demanded. “You all act like you never expected to see me again.”
“We ... Aahz! I ...”
“We didn’t,” Tananda said flatly, saving me from making an even bigger fool of myself.
“What little sister means,” Chumly put in, “is that it was our belief that your nephew, Rupert, had no intention of letting you return from Perv.”
Aahz gave a derisive snort.
“Rupert? That upstart? Don’t tell me anybody takes him seriously.”
“Well, maybe not if your powers were in full force,” Tananda said, “but as things are ...”
“Rupert?” Aahz repeated. “You two have known me a long time, right? Then you should get it through your heads that nobody holds me against my will.”
Somehow that quote sounded familiar. Still, I was so glad to have Aahz back, I would have agreed to anything just then.
“Yeah!” I chimed eagerly. “This is Aahz! Nobody pushes him around.”
“There!” my mentor grinned. “As much as I hate to agree with a mere apprentice, the kid knows what he’s talking about ... this time.”
Chumly and Tananda looked at each other with that special gaze that brother and sister use to communicate non-verbally.
“You know, big brother,” Tananda said, “this mutual admiration society is getting a bit much for my stomach. How about you?”
“Actually,” the troll responded. “I wasn’t hearing all that much mutual admiration. Somehow the phrase ‘mere apprentice’ sticks in my mind.”
“Oh come on, you two,” Aahz waved. “Get real, huh? I mean, we all like the kid, but we also know he’s a trouble magnet. I’ve never met anyone who needs looking after as badly as he does. Speaking of which ...”
He turned his yellow eyes on me with that speculative look of his.
“I notice you’re both here ... and I definitely heard my name as I phased in. What I need more than fond ‘hellos’ is a quick update as to exactly what kind of a mess we have to bail the Great Skeeve out of this time.”
I braced myself for a quick but loud lesson about ‘endorsements,’ whatever that was, but the troll surprised me.
“No mess,” he said, leaning back casually. “Little sister and I just dropped by for a visit. In fact, we were just getting ready to leave.”
“Really?” my mentor sounded both surprised and suspicious. “Just a visit? No trouble?”
“Well, there was a little trouble,” Tananda admitted. “Something to do with the King ...”
“I knew it!” Aahz chortled, rubbing his hands together.
“... But Skeeve here handled it himself,” she finished pointedly. “Currently, there are no problems at all.”
“Oh.”
“Well, I guess I owe you two some thanks, then. I really appreciate your watching over Skeeve here while I was gone. He can ...”
“I don’t think you’re listening, Aahz,” Chumly said, looking at the ceiling. “Skeeve handled the trouble. We just watched.”
“Oh, we would have pitched in if things got tight,” Tananda supplied. “You know, the way we do for you, Aahz. As it turned out, we weren’t needed. Your ‘mere apprentice’ was more than equal to the task.”
“Finished the job rather neatly, you know?” the troll added. “In fact, I’m hard pressed to recall when I’ve seen a nasty situation dealt with as smoothly or with as little fuss.”
“All right, all right,” Aahz grimaced. “I get the message. You can fill me in on the details later. Right now, the kid and I have some big things to discuss ... and I mean big.”
“Like what?” I frowned.
“Well, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and I figure it’s about time we left Possiltum and moved on.”
“Um, Aahz?” I said.
“I know, I know,” he waved. “You think you need practice. You do, but you’ve come a long way. This whole thing with the trouble you handled only proves my point. You’re ready to ...”
“Aahz?”
“All right. I know you’ve got friends and duties here, but eventually you have to leave the nest. You’ll just have to trust my judgment and experience to know when the time is right to ...”
“I’ve already quit!”
Aahz stopped in midsentence and stared at me.
“You have?” he blinked.
I nodded and pointed at the pile of gear we had been packing. He studied it for a moment as if he didn’t believe what he was seeing.
“Oh,” he said at last. “Oh well, in that case, I’ll just duck over to talk to Grimble and discuss your severance pay. He’s a tight fisted bird, but if I can’t shake five hundred out of him, I’ll know the reason why.”
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