“Look, guys, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I don’t feel like going anywhere today and neither do I feel like sharing, so you’re wasting your time.”
“That’s good because we didn’t plan on going anywhere. We’re staying in, ordering pizza, and watching sexy Derek Morgan chase down bad guys,” Alice grins.
“And you’re not going to ask about Jay?” I ask, raising an eyebrow skeptically at my two best girlfriends.
“Not unless you start the conversation,” Danielle reassures me.
“Fine, you win. I’ll go shower.”
“Thank fuck,” Alice mutters right before I close the bathroom door.
As the warm water runs down my body, I’m helpless to prevent the memories of Jay in my apartment from invading. A close up of his smiling emeralds and cocky smirk appear before my closed eyes. I sigh remembering the way his hands felt on my body. Remembering the way feeling his warm breath on my skin would cause goose bumps to appear, and the way he would follow them with his tongue from my collarbone all the way down to my stomach before placing open-mouthed kisses on my hips. The way he would worship all my curves, placing kisses on all the places of my body I was embarrassed about or didn’t like.
The feel of my hand skimming down my stomach rouses me from the trance created by the onslaught of memories and reality crashes in. And the reality is, I'm being a coward and I regret telling him that night was a mistake. Reality also includes finding out Jay re-enlisted in the military, learning that my father passed away only to receive a letter the following week that he wrote when he found out he was dying, and getting answers to some of my questions about my childhood but knowing it was too late. And finally, I’m crushed by the memory of the look on Jay’s face when I walked away from him at Danielle and Parker’s place.
I lean the back of my head against the wet tile, tears roll down my face as everything in my mind goes silent except for one word.
Jason.
I have been such a fucking coward. I thought I could be happy without him, that maybe he wasn’t my future because I was too fucking scared to admit the truth. The truth is, I have always been in love with my best friend. Our friendship happened fast. From the minute we met at Gotcha’s when Danielle, Alice and I first moved to Oceanview, our friendship was almost instantaneous. It started as after work drinks and hanging out when the six of us would get together for barbeques, pub nights, or for one of Bella’s hockey games, and it morphed into weekend hikes and camping trips, road trips that lead nowhere, late night phone calls and random text messages. Soon we were constantly texting or calling each other, and if we weren’t then we were together.
I don’t know when it happened but like I told him, somewhere along the line I fell in love with my best friend and that scared the ever-living shit out of me. I didn’t know how to love someone and I sure as heck didn’t know how to accept someone’s love. When I finally got up the courage to tell him, I didn’t even give him a chance to respond. I just tucked my tail between my legs and ran like a bat out of hell.
And now…well now he was god knows where for god knows how long. I missed my chance at something real because of fear.
The stupid bitch.
Jay never stopped believing in us for one minute. Even when I drove him crazy. Even when I called him a mistake.
He never gave up.
But he did finally give up though, didn’t he? Because if he hadn’t given up he would have never re-enlisted. He would’ve shown up at my door sometime during this past week. He would still be here fighting for us. But he wasn’t. And I didn’t know if he ever would be again.
“Well, shit. I didn’t think it was possible, but you look worse than when we sent you in there,” Alice comments when I finally make my way back out into the living room.
“Ha-ha, very funny. Please tell me pizza is on its way,” I prod, slumping back down on the couch and throwing the heated blanket over my yoga pants clad legs.
I hate to admit it, but the two of them did a bang up job of cleaning my apartment. I would’ve gotten to it…eventually. It was just that I had zero energy this past week. This pregnancy has been kicking my ass and add regret over letting him go on top of that and it wasn’t a priority on my list of things to do, which is not like me. I become a clean freak when I have too much on my mind and need to work through some things, but not this time. Cleaning just reminded me of the last time I went nuts on a cleaning spree. It was the same night Jay and I had slept together again.
Yes, I know that’s a lame excuse but I’m sticking with it.
“One pineapple and one pepperoni are on their way,” Danielle says, sticking her feet under the opposite side of the blanket.
“Good, I’m starving,” I reply, reaching for the remote and turning on the TV.
“Eating for two already?” Alice quips handing Danielle and I each a virgin strawberry daquiri.
Alice and Danielle laugh when I level Alice with my best death glare and give her the finger.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Kat?” Dani asks, taking a sip of her drink.
“I miss Jay,” I sigh, leaning further into the back of the couch and propping my feet up on the coffee table.
Danielle grins and squeezes my hand. “You never heard this from us, but he never re-enlisted.”
“What do you mean he never re-enlisted?”
“He never got on that plane, Kat. He’s been in town this whole time.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
I sound like a broken record.
“Because you told him you needed some time alone.” Alice settles back in the recliner. “He was just respecting your wishes. He figured that when you were ready you would find a way to reach out to him.”
My hands fly to my temples and I dig my fingers into them, massaging tiny circles while shutting my eyes. I feel like my head is spinning with all this new information.
He put his career on the line for me and never asked for anything in return. And then finding out that he never re-joined his old team because of me. It is too much. I feel the pressure building up inside of me, about to explode.
Then it detonates.
What am I still doing sitting here? The man I love risked not only his career in the police department but also gave up re-enlisting in the military for me. He fought to defend me against someone who didn’t think twice about ruining my life. He was not only willing to put my happiness before his but he was willing to put his life on hold for me. I was a fucking idiot living with blinders on.
Until now.
He pays attention to me, he knows when something is bothering me and if I want to talk about or not. He knows just what to say to make me want to talk. He listens to me and doesn’t complain when I go off on one of my rants about dolphins, or orcas, or animal captivity. He doesn’t think I’m crazy for believing that they deserve as much respect as any human does. He doesn’t think that my passion is stupid.
He gets it. He gets me.
Suddenly, I don’t care that it is raining like crazy outside. I need to find him and apologize and grovel and hope to god that he still loves me enough to forgive me and give us a chance.
The minute I jump up from the couch in my realization and resolve to find him, I know something isn’t right. As soon as I stand up straight, I almost immediately double-over in pain. The cramps are sudden and unbearable. And there is blood, I see so much blood when I glance down right before the room spins and goes black. The last thing I hear are Dani and Alice yelling my name before my body is in a free fall.
15. Sometimes I Pray
JASON
The back tires of my truck slide as I turn the corner onto the street the hospital is located on. The Toyota Tundra corrects itself almost within inches of hitting the oncoming Mazda. I know I’m going too fast for the freezing rain that’s currently falling, but I couldn’t give a damn right now.
As soon as I got the call from Parker, I was in the truck and racing down th
e highway. It didn’t hurt that I had the siren going; the other drivers probably just figured I was in one of the RCMP’s undercover vehicles and gave me the right of way.
Tires squealing, I pull into the emergency parking lot, throw the truck in park and jump out. I’ll figure out parking later. They could tow it for all I care. My only concern right now is getting to Kat.
Mike pushes through the emergency room entrance, making his way towards me. “Parker’s in the waiting room. I’ll take care of your parking pass.” He pats my shoulder reassuringly before I take off running down the long hallway.
I have no idea what happened to her. All I know is that Dani called Parker in tears telling him he needed to find me because something had happened to Kat. But the scene that greets me when I turn the corner into the waiting room has my heart stopping. Parker is consoling a crying Danielle. And Alice, the girl who never cries and who doesn’t let anything get to her, has mascara streaked tears running down her cheeks.
Oh god.
“Where is she?” My breathing sounds labored and I don’t know if it’s due to running through the hospital like a madman or because I had to consciously remind myself to breathe.
Parker slowly disentangles himself from Danielle and stands to greet me. “Dr. Reynolds is with her now.”
“What happened?”
New sobs sound from behind him.
“Jay, you might want to sit down, man.”
“Just tell me, Parker. What happened to Kat?”
“He’s right, Jay. You need to sit down for this,” Mike adds, walking in behind me.
“Fine.” I sit in the first open seat next to Danielle. “Now, can someone please tell me what the hell is going on with my girl?”
Parker runs a hand through his hair and Mike nervously tucks his hands into the pockets of his jeans. What the hell? Their actions are starting to piss me off. I haven’t allowed myself to think the worst and overreact until I knew for sure what had happened. But seeing the way these two are acting has me wanting to search every inch of this hospital until I find her.
“Jay,” Parker rubs the back of his neck before dropping his hand and meeting my eyes, “they said it looks like she may have had a miscarriage.”
He was right, I did need to be sitting because if I were standing right now, my knees would’ve given out. As it is, I have a hard time breathing, or processing what he just said.
My baby. Our baby.
My head drops to between my legs and I’m struggling to take deep breaths as the weight of what he just said crashes in on me.
Kat lost our baby.
A pair of black leather dress shoes appear in my field of vision and when I follow them up, Dr. Reynolds is looking directly at me, concern lacing his eyes. Parker, Mike, and I grew up knowing him as part of our families. Sam Reynolds grew up with and went to school with our fathers. So, even though we aren’t related by blood, the three of us still consider him family. He and his wife never had kids but the three of us kept the Reynolds on their toes just as much as we did our own parents.
“Jason.” He pats my knee lowering himself down into the chair next to mine.
“How is she?”
“Physically, she’ll be okay. Mentally, it’s going to take a while for her to heal from this. You need to be there for her, Jason, now more than ever. Even when she retreats into herself.”
I crane my head up to look at him. “I always was, doc.”
A small smile appears on his face. “You’ve been in love with her for a long time.”
I shake my head sitting back up in my seat and running my palms down my thighs. “A year is hardly that long.”
A small chuckle sounds from his throat, “You fell in love with her the minute you met her that night a couple years ago. Donna and I could see it in your face when you came for dinner the next day. Tyler and Mae knew it too.” Sam pushes his hands into his knees as he stands up again. It didn’t surprise me that these people knew I was in love before I did.
“Don’t give up on her, Jason. She’s still sleeping but you can go see her now. Room 3A.” Just as quickly as he appeared, he disappears around the corner and heads off to another patient.
“Let’s go,” Parker claps me on the back and inclines his head in the direction of Kat’s room.
She looks so peaceful in her sleep but I know that can’t be further from the truth. I can’t imagine what she’s going through now or what she’ll have to experience from here on out. I can’t begin to put myself in her shoes right now, to know that you were pregnant and about to be a mom in one minute to having that taken from you in the next.
I gently slip my hand under hers so as not to wake her and not disrupt the IV. Sam’s right. She’s going to need me now more than ever. Even when she denies it and withdraws into herself. If there was ever a time that I had to show just how much I love this woman and just how much I would fight for her and stand by her, now was that time.
I didn’t care if after this, she decided that she still didn’t want to be with me. As long as I knew that she was healthy and safe and happy, then I could walk away.
I would walk away if it means her happiness.
Smith said my position on the team was always open whenever I decided to re-enlist. If I had to walk away from Kat, I don’t think I could stand by and watch her with anyone else; it would hurt to see the woman I love fall in love with another man. At that point, I will board the plane without looking back.
***
“You need to eat something, Kat.” Alice’s voice carries through the door.
“Seriously, fuck off, Alice. I’m not eating that shit,” Kat screeches.
That’s my girl.
Kat has been home from the hospital almost a week now, but she’s confined herself to her bedroom or the couch where she watches reruns of Gilmore Girls on Netflix all day long. And when she’s not watching Netflix, she’s sleeping.
I think I’ll take hours of TV show reruns over her sleeping all day. When I first brought her home, she slept for two days straight. She barely ate anything and it was a chore to get her to at least drink water to keep herself hydrated. On the third day, Alice and Danielle came over and convinced her to get out of bed and move to the couch. So, she did. She’s been alternating between bed and the couch ever since.
“I brought cheeseburgers,” I call over my shoulder, making my way into the kitchen.
“Oh, thank goodness,” Kat groans from the couch.
“You can’t keep eating that junk food shit,” Alice says to her before turning to me, “and you have to stop enabling her.”
I shrug and paste a sheepish grin on my face. “I’m a grown man who works out five days a week. I need the protein.”
“I would literally kill for a greasy cheeseburger right now.” Kat throws her blanket off and holds out her hands for me to toss her one. She catches it effortlessly.
Alice wrinkles her nose in disgust when Kat unwraps the burger. “That’s so gross. I can smell the grease from here.” She grabs her purse from the floor and tugs on her jacket while she walks to the door. “You guys enjoy your fast food.”
“Oh, we will!” I take a huge bite out of my burger and, with my mouth full, shoot Alice a closed mouth smile.
She rolls her eyes. “So gross.”
Kat is giggling on the couch when Alice closes the door behind her. The sound is music to my ears. It’s the first time she’s laughed in over a week.
“What’d she bring you anyway?” I ask after I’ve chewed and swallowed.
“Veggie stir-fry.”
“And?”
She shakes her head, “And nothing. That’s it.”
“That’s it? No meat?”
“Nope.”
“Well, then,” I pick up the bag with the other two burgers from the counter and make my way over to her, “I think I saved the day.”
She nods and then her eyes drift close when she takes the first bite. “Bacon,” she says dreamily.
&nbs
p; “I don’t know whether to be jealous of that bacon making you sound like that or turned on,” I tease.
“Shut up.” She playfully back-hands my chest grinning.
“Just calling it like I see it.” I hold my hands out laughing.
“Hey, want to go snowboarding this weekend? They’re expecting fresh powder on the mountain this week,” Kat says as we’re gathering all the empty burger wrappers from our meal.
“You sure you’re feeling up to it?”
She frowns, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning a hip into the kitchen counter. “I need to get out of here, Jay. Even if it’s just for a day. I’ve been cooped up here along enough.”
Soon after she woke up in the hospital, Dr. Reynolds had to deliver the heart-breaking news to her about the miscarriage. He said it was caused by insulin resistance due to her Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, or PCOS as he called it, which prevented the endometrial lining from maturing. Whatever that means. He tried explaining it again to me but it just sounded complicated.
“Then why don’t we go to Harrison Hot Springs instead. Or we could drive up to Vernon and spend the weekend at Sparkling Hill.”
She grins. “A weekend at the spa and wine tours in the Okanagan sounds like a plan.”
I shake my head, a small half grin pulling at the corner of my mouth. “Only you would find a way to add wine into the mix.”
“Damn straight.” Her grin morphs into a full smile
“Then Sparkling Hill it is. I’ll come by after work on Friday and pick you up.”
16. Barrel of His Gun
KATHERINE
I’m excited to spend the weekend alone with Jay at a spa resort almost an hour outside of our city. This is going to be the first opportunity for us to be alone together since the hospital, and I am looking forward to it.
I am looking forward to it so much that I may have picked up a little something sexy to wear this weekend. I know that I was determined to keep him strictly in the friend-zone but despite all of my efforts, he still managed to break down all the barriers I put up.
Piece of Me (Behind These Eyes Book 2) Page 12
