He had. Self-loathing was not a pleasant thing.
They got to the Washington Monument before another word was spoken.
“Julian?”
“Yeah?”
“You said the other day you left Los Angeles because of a breakup.”
Julian glanced at Zachary, wondering where this was going. They were both wearing sunglasses, so it was harder to gauge what Zachary was feeling.
“And it was bad enough that it made you want to move?”
“Yeah. I have this way of falling hard. But then….”
Julian delayed continuing by getting a bottle of water from the vendor in their path. He took a cold swallow and shifted his own sunglasses up. The air felt cool on his bare face. “I don’t do well at maintaining relationships.”
Zachary looked at him questioningly. He removed his sunglasses as well, and Julian saw his eyes for the first time since the hotel. Their edges were pink and the irises dull.
“It takes two people to make a relationship work.”
Julian nodded, mouth twisting wryly. “I know. Turns out I was the only one willing to try in the end.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No. Don’t be. Spenser’s happier now. Found the woman of his dreams. And I don’t mean because Spenser was bisexual all along or had figured out he was. He told me he was, well, straight now.”
Zachary practically gaped. “Your ex literally told you he ‘turned straight’?”
Enough time had passed that Julian could joke darkly about it. “Yeah. Hey, it’s not everyone who could fuck a guy straight. Church groups should hire me.”
Zachary laughed. Real and hearty and Zachary. Julian’s heart sped up fast, and he didn’t want to see that shuttered look return.
“You know that it’s not your fault? It doesn’t work that way. He is bisexual.” A bitter laugh escaped. “I can’t imagine wanting anyone else after—”
Zachary stopped and turned away, and Julian wanted to wipe that sorry look off his face so badly, he had to bite his lower lip to stop himself. Nothing had changed, he reminded himself. Julian was still someone boyfriends chose to dispose of when the expiration date hit. And now he was a coward on top of that, making up stories instead of just owning up to his inadequacies.
He had to do something to change the subject. “How ’bout you? Ever been in love?”
Even remembering a past heartbreak had to be better than this.
They’d started walking again, slowly, working their way around the reflecting pool leading to the Lincoln Memorial. Lots of history passed by this way.
Zachary tilted his head, regarding him quietly, sunglasses back in place, and even though Julian couldn’t see through the dark lenses, he knew Zachary’s eyes were on him. There was something mysterious about his look, the way his lips pressed together before releasing a small sigh.
Ultimately, Zachary continued walking without answering.
Later, back in the suite, Julian scribbled notes while Zachary cross-referenced discrepancies, a week’s worth of files sprawled on the coffee table before them. The tension had settled and they’d even been able to resume some good-natured feuding.
“Star Trek or Star Wars?” Zachary asked, highlighter pen caught between his teeth.
“Star Wars all the way. You?”
“Star Trek. There’s no comparison.”
“Oh no. I cannot work with someone who’d pick Star Trek over Star Wars. Against the handbook,” Julian teased.
“There’s a handbook for Star Wars fans? Well that explains everything.”
Julian frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“If the geek fits, wear it.”
“You’re the geek, Trekker.”
“Four eyes.”
“Hey, you can’t make fun of a guy’s disability,” Julian said with a pout.
Zachary snorted. “Your glasses may be many things, but a disability they’re not.”
Julian swallowed. He hadn’t heard that tone in Zachary’s voice since he’d made up the story about dating someone, and it hit hard just how much he’d missed the sexy teasing. Zachary didn’t seem to notice, or at least he ignored it.
“So you and Gabe grew up together?”
“Yeah. Best friends since I was old enough to know what that meant.”
“Must be lots of stories,” Zachary questioned, voice warm.
“Yeah. I was like the pesky kid brother he never could get rid of. It was okay till he discovered girls.”
Zachary drew in a sharp breath. “What?”
“What what?”
“What do you mean girls? I thought—?”
“Oh, Gabe isn’t—” Shit. Julian dropped the documents he’d been holding. Papers scattered confetti-like all over the carpeting. Zachary was in his asking-questions mode again. Julian was busy and he was distracted and he just. Forgot. “Fuck.”
Zachary scooted down. “I’ll help with those.”
“No. I got ’em. My fault. Wasn’t paying attention.”
Julian crawled on his hands and knees to grab a document that had floated partway under the sofa. He retrieved it with his fingers and pulled back to gather more, when suddenly Zachary was there kneeling in front of him. They were… close. Oh God. Hazel eyes sucked him in until they were all he saw. All there was. All he wanted.
One breath. That’s all it would take to lean in and taste. Zachary was frozen, his pupils dilated until his eyes were black surrounded by a gold sliver. Julian had never wanted to kiss someone as much as he wanted to taste Zachary’s lips that moment. So much that it hurt.
Zachary moved first, swiping his hand over his lips as if they had touched. “I can’t do this. You said no and I’m trying to respect that. I am. But Julian, you can’t….”
Julian was still on his knees, unable to move. Zachary stood, agitated, hands on his hips. Julian heard his words, knew he was wrong, knew he should apologize. But then Zachary looked down at him, face practically burning with desire, and all Julian could do was fantasize about reaching forward and opening Zachary’s zipper and changing that tortured, angry look into one of blissful pleasure. Julian licked his lips.
“Christ,” Zachary breathed as their eyes locked. The emotion in the blasphemy made Julian wonder crazily if he had in fact reached out and touched Zachary.
But Zachary took a step back and away, running a hand through his dark hair. Julian grabbed up the rest of the papers and threw them hastily on the table. He lifted himself up and forced his libido back in check. Heat colored his cheeks. Crap, what had he done?
“Zach,” he started slowly. “I’m sorry.”
“No,” Zachary interrupted. “Don’t. It’s just that I’m not that kind of guy. I can’t, not with someone else’s boyfriend. ’S not right. And you aren’t that guy either. I know that. So, let’s not. Okay?”
Julian nodded, not sure what he’d agreed to. Only that Zachary needed him to say yes.
“I mean, as long as you’re happy. You are happy, aren’t you?”
Julian flushed. “You don’t understand. It’s not that simple. I haven’t—there are things you don’t know. It wasn’t just Los Angeles I moved away from because of a breakup I couldn’t deal with. I mean that wasn’t the only time.”
Zachary knitted his brows together before walking to the minibar and pulling out two beers, tossing one to Julian. Shoving aside papers, they both collapsed on the sofa. “Portland?” Zachary asked softly.
Julian wasn’t surprised Zachary remembered where he’d lived. “Yeah. Portland. We liked it there. It’s where we met Nick through another musician friend. The music took off….”
“‘We?’ You mean you and Gabe?”
Julian nodded. “But even that wasn’t—my relationship black streak didn’t start there. Started back home. Texas. Told you it was a little easier in Tyler. And it was. I met Tyler.” His lips twitched. “Tyler in Tyler. Yeah, funny. He was in the drama department, wanted to be an actor. Exuberant, dramatic,
big gestures and scene setting, and an ego the size of the state itself. But I was young and head over heels and thought he was the one.”
“What happened?” Zachary asked after Julian had gone quiet.
“At first it was great. We’d been together for about a year, and it seemed perfect. I told him I wanted to tell my parents about my being gay, wanted them to meet him. And I wanted to meet his family.”
“You weren’t out to your parents?”
“No siree. Up till then I’d figured why go there unless there was a reason.” He chuckled mirthlessly.
Zachary nodded. “Did you? Come out to your parents?”
“Our plan was for each of us to head home the same weekend and tell our respective folks. Tyler’s family lived in Austin. Hell, I somehow thought it might even be easier for him. My parents took it really well.” He met Zachary’s eyes, which were locked on him, glowing with concern. He lifted his lips in a rueful smile. “I don’t think my folks were that shocked. I never had a girlfriend in high school. Maybe they knew. Certainly they suspected. In either case, they dealt. Not much else they could do.
“I called Tyler that night but got only voicemail. Thought that was strange given what was going on, and that made me worry that maybe his parents were giving him a hard time. I couldn’t wait to get back to school and make sure he was okay.”
“Was he okay?”
Julian looked away. “Yeah. Peachy. And then he started acting odd and distant. I pushed. He kept saying everything was fine. Then one night we were supposed to meet up at his place to study together. Only I got there early and found him with another guy. They were just hanging. I mean, I didn’t catch them doing anything, but I knew, knew, something was off. Once we were alone, I confronted him. Turned out he never came out to his parents. He didn’t want to tell them about me. Didn’t want me to meet them. Said I wasn’t… wasn’t worth it.”
Zachary flinched. “Ouch.”
Julian nodded. Wasn’t too much more to add to that. “I stayed long enough to pick up my diploma and left Texas. I just. Wanted to run and not stop. Couple of months later, Gabe found me in Idaho, dragged me with him to Portland. Asked me what the hell kind of music scene was I expecting to find in Idaho. Things were good there for a while. Until I met strike number two.”
“Another guy?”
Julian smirked. “Well, yeah, I don’t do girls.”
Zachary chuckled but sobered quickly. “Didn’t work out?”
“I’m not going to bore you with the details of that one. Suffice it to say David coulda given Hannibal Lecter a run for his money on head games. I was in a bad way when that ended. Like a hole I couldn’t see my way out of. Nick was there. He helped. Gabe was busy with his music, and I don’t know, maybe he was tired of me by then. Couldn’t blame him. I was a mess. Nick suggested we move to LA. I went along because I had nothing better to do.
“Los Angeles was supposed to represent a fresh start for all of us. Well. You already know about Spenser and how great that went. Look, Zach, what I’ve been trying to say is that I don’t do relationships. At least I don’t do them in any way that anyone ever wants to hang around. So don’t think you missed out on anything. Okay?”
Zachary had been very quiet for most of this. “I had a boyfriend of sorts in high school,” he said softly. “But it wasn’t—was more about learning, experimenting, you know. In college I dated some. Nobody special. I guess I’m kinda the opposite. Found it hard to commit in that way. To give anyone my heart.”
Julian nodded. He knew he was a pathetic loser. Maybe he did fall in love too easily.
“It takes a lot of trust,” Zachary said. He took a deep breath and brought his leg under him on the sofa, twisting to face Julian. “But, hey. It worked out in the end. I mean, you took another chance. So how did you and Gabe go from best friends to…. Did he come out to you as bi?”
“Bi?”
“Well, you said when you were younger he was into girls.”
He had? Right. Because complicating this further could turn his regular ol’ ulcer into a bleeding one. “Yeah. I guess. I mean bisexual. Maybe.”
“Julian? What is it? I get the feeling there’s something wrong.”
“Wrong?”
Zachary sat straighter and his mouth turned grim. “Don’t do that. Is there something wrong? Has my behavior caused any trouble for you?”
“What? No. God no. Jesus, Zachary. I….” This lie could not continue. It was cruel and ridiculous and could never stand. And now Zachary was feeling guilty—it just wasn’t right. Julian stood. He couldn’t help noticing how nervous Zachary looked.
Fuck it. Enough was enough. He walked over to the minibar and opened the tiny bottle of Cuervo. He took a long swallow for courage and turned back to Zachary.
“Okay. I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna say it. I’m not dating Gabe. He’s not gay. As far as I know he’s not bi, either. He’s straight. Always has been. And we’re best friends. Not romantically involved.”
Zachary’s face blanched, and his brows shot to his hairline. “What? But you said you were seeing someone. And last week—Gabe said you and he were a couple.”
Julian faced Zachary head-on. “I asked him to pretend to be my boyfriend.”
Zachary’s face scrunched. “Why would—?” Julian saw the moment understanding struck. “Oh my God. To make me think…. To get me to…. Jesus, was I that much of a stalker!”
“No. It’s not like that. I told you how it is with me. I didn’t want another—”
Zachary was up and grabbing for his things. “You shoulda just told me. Just said you didn’t want to go out with me. You didn’t need to make me feel like a fool. To fucking play me.” Zachary turned away, hands fisted at his sides. His voice was low and hoarse and it burned. “I thought—fuck, I’ve been tortured wanting what I couldn’t…. Well, hey, thanks at least for waking me up to the fact that you aren’t anything like I thought you were. If you played these kinds of mind games with your previous boyfriends no wonder they—” Zachary cut himself off, looked at Julian stricken with betrayal.
Julian couldn’t move. He had known it wouldn’t be easy to tell the truth, but Zachary’s last hurled bitter words landed like a blade to his gut. His hand involuntarily held his stomach as if keeping it from spilling out. He didn’t know how long they both stood there, eyes bright with moisture and damning themselves to hell before they’d let it fall.
Finally, Zachary grabbed his messenger bag and walked out without another glance at Julian.
Julian stared at the closed door until he couldn’t see it any longer through the hot tears. Only a loser of his immeasurable ability could manage to get dumped before even having a first date.
“JULES, I told you it was a bad idea. Fuck, if I hadn’t been sloshed as all git-out, I never woulda said it. Now I feel like shit too.”
Julian sank deeper onto Gabe’s sofa, stomach gurgling like a science experiment gone wrong. Christ, he should get that checked out before green smoke started coming out of his ears. “Don’t, Gabe. Let’s not make it worse with you feeling bad. This one’s on me.”
“Okay. So what are you going to do now?”
“I—don’t know. Apologize again. For starters.”
“He’s pretty mad?”
Julian looked at his friend. “Thinks I played him.”
Gabe turned that over. “We kinda did, cowboy.”
“Oh God, Gabe. I really fucked up.”
“Look on the bright side. You said you didn’t want to get involved, and now, well, seems pretty certain nothin’s gonna happen.” Julian looked at him a long moment, letting it all show. “Shit,” Gabe said.
“Yeah.”
“Julie.” Gabe managed to drag the hated nickname out into a long drawl.
“It doesn’t matter. He hates me.”
“He don’t hate you, Jules. He feels chumped and confused. Stroked like a harp at an angel convention. But none of that would be there if he did
n’t give a damn.”
Julian so wanted to believe his best friend. Because there was one thing he knew for certain: this time he couldn’t move away again.
ON MONDAY Jack showed up at the hotel suite’s door, traipsing meekly after Brian.
“Hey,” Julian said. “Where’s Zach?”
Brian gave him a dark glare and told Jack to unpack the latest files they’d brought and sort them by date and then by manager on the dining table. As Jack started on the task, Brian pulled Julian aside.
“Okay, here’s the thing—my key paralegal just asked me to reassign him off this case. So, what the fuck is going on, and how are you going to fix it so that we get him back?”
Julian stumbled and had to grab the back of an armchair to steady himself. “Zachary wants off Peterson?”
“Yep. Cited an ‘unspecified conflict of interest.’ Right. The only conflict is you, Wallace. What the hell? I told you to go easy on him. I don’t know what went on, but now he can’t be in the same room with you? Not cool, man. Not cool at all.”
“Brian, I—”
“Save it. I don’t want to hear your sorry excuses. You have until the end of the week to make it right. That’s about as much time as I can spare him off this case. Make it right or I swear I’ll find some professionals who know how to keep their personal lives out of my office. Nobody is irreplaceable. Am I clear?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Let’s get to work. I’ll stay all day and work from here. Lord knows Jack tries—” Brian pointed to Jack twitching in the entryway between the living room and dining space. He continued on a sigh, “For now he’s the only available body. Put him to some sort of use.”
“Yes,” Julian repeated, trying to force confidence into his voice. Inside he was quaking. Shit. It was all such a godawful mess. To begin with, there went any chance of Zachary forgiving him anytime soon, and with it went the tiny hope that maybe with the forgiveness could come more. Heart racing, he glanced at his bag where his anxiety medicine was. If ever he needed one, this was it. He needed this job. He’d become accustomed to the security and not worrying about bill paying, and helping out Gabe and Nick. He didn’t want to lose that.
The Music of Love Page 6
